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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

415 replies

Neonprint · 30/04/2021 08:53

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

OP posts:
Chocolateandamaretto · 30/04/2021 10:31

Yes, he is their parent Confused

evilharpy · 30/04/2021 10:32

When you ask for how long - indefinitely. I've been away for three or four nights at a time for work or visiting my mum for a few days. When I've had exams to study for I've shut myself away for whole weekends at a time. The house wouldn't be spotless but the child would be clean, fed and happy.

Constance11 · 30/04/2021 10:32

I would happily leave my DH for a week or as long as needed with the DC without a second thought. It's so rubbish that some women seem to accept that they are the primary care givers no matter what.

Loyaultemelie · 30/04/2021 10:32

My own DDad was extremely capable and actually looked after me much better as a child than DM. My DH is also fully capable with the DC although more so the last 2 years as I have become disabled. He's always been a hands on dad but more the actual coping with household admin now he gets

worriedatthemoment · 30/04/2021 10:34

Was a good 10+ years ago that mine were this age but dh looked after them all the time
Granted how he dressed then left a lot to be desired but other than that more than capable and he had them when I worked evenings and if I went out for the night/ day and would of done a whole weekend etc of I ever had the chance to go away.
He had zero experience of kids before we had any but learnt on the job and was hands on from day one

Thelnebriati · 30/04/2021 10:34

No he couldn't, which is one reason why he is the ex.

JassyRadlett · 30/04/2021 10:36

You do see and hear it a lot on here and elsewhere, that men can't be trusted/aren't capable of caring for their young children for more than short periods.

To be honest, I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone like that - because as others have said here it's about attitude not capability. In my own relationship, my husband took shared parental leave with both kids so spent 4-6 months at home with them when they were babies. We do sick days equally, I've been on work trips and holidays without the kids more than he has to be honest. We're good at different things, we have different main tasks (he looks after haircuts, I look after doctors, he looks after football and drama classes, I look after swimming and gymnastics, that sort of thing). He does the kids' laundry, I cook more. That sort of thing.

I couldn't be in an unequal partnership whether marriage or parenting, because it would drip with disrespect from my partner towards me. But you see time and time again on here women who are doing 4 days a week at work and all the housework and all the childcare and all the everything else because the husband is Too Big And Important, and simultaneously too incompetent at home.

Maggiesfarm · 30/04/2021 10:36

Mine could have looked after our children when young.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 30/04/2021 10:36

We had 3 under 3 and DP looked after them regularly on his own without me around from when they were newborns. They are 6yrs, 4yrs and 3yrs now and apart from regularly being the sole parent when im out hes also had them on his own twice when ive been away for the weekend with a friend.

He does struggle with the eldest because he is autistic and likes things done the way mummy does and has seperation anxiety from me so can be difficult but his dad just gets on with it

emeraldcity2000 · 30/04/2021 10:38

Of course! The kids almost certainly have more fun with daddy too. But they trash the house 😂😂

Picklesbaby · 30/04/2021 10:39

We have 2 under 5 and he has them 8hours+ on weekend while I’m at work . I pack his bag, set their clothes out but that’s it.He brings baby for a breastfeed as and when ,Dd May look a little worse for wear and he can’t do a pony tail but they are fed and alive . Only thing He cant do is baby bedtime but I wouldn’t expect him to as he still feeds to sleep !

ChaBishkoot · 30/04/2021 10:39

Of course he can. I have been travelling for work since the oldest was 6/7 months old. So has he. Why does his possession of a penis prevent him from parenting his own children in a competent manner???

DustyOwl · 30/04/2021 10:39

Mine could and it was tested when I was in a coma for 5 weeks and he had to look after our, then, 15 month old and 4 year old. When I eventually woke up I knew they had been in safe hands (even if their outfits were a little unusual, that really wasn't a priority!!)

Aquagirl19 · 30/04/2021 10:40

My husband knows our children and their needs/routines inside out and is more than capable of looking after the three of them independently, so I never have to worry.
When I was in hospital after the birth of my second child the young woman opposite was begging the nurses to discharge her as he partner was at home with their older child but refused to change nappies so she needed to get home ASAP. I felt sorry for her and to think she'd had another child with this useless man.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 30/04/2021 10:40

Unless the use of genitals are required for a certain task there is no reason why gender affects performance.

A father should be able to parent the exact same way as a mother. Why is this a question?

I’ve been on a week’s holiday and have come back to a tidy house, stimulated and clean children and a cooked meal. The same as would be expected if it was the other way round.

Men need to be held to the same accountability was women.

ChaBishkoot · 30/04/2021 10:41

I would say that DH is probably a better parent than me. He’s way more patient and he truly enjoys playing with small children. He can play endless mind numbing games with them with enormous enthusiasm. (He’s quite introverted with adults!)

Definitelyrandom · 30/04/2021 10:43

How very bizarre. Our two are adults now but there was never any question that either of us should have greater "expertise" in looking after them when younger.

Noodledoodledoo · 30/04/2021 10:43

I had 2 under 2, DH never had an issue looking after them both from the off. Like others I BF both so initially limited but both would take an expressed bottle.

I have had weekends away so 48 hours ish lots of times with no issues.

I might have made one of the meals for the weekend I was away, mainly as I work part time so had a bit of spare time to help him out, but if it hadn't been done he would have made tea no issue.

Drives me nuts when dads 'can't cope' alone especially if they are often missing in action!

DishingOutDone · 30/04/2021 10:45

I'd say there is no reason at all a father cannot take care of a child to exactly the same standard as a mother, providing love and attention, appropriate food and parenting etc. There's no reason, but so many men seem to find reasons.

Noodledoodledoo · 30/04/2021 10:45

Oh and my dad looked after me and my sister moving across the country for 8 weeks during the week, as a house sale and new job didn't tie in but my mum and dad wanted us to start school in the September my dad started his new job. He managed starting a new job, settling us into new schools all by himself! This was 38 years ago!

Eileen101 · 30/04/2021 10:45

Pretty much the same as I do. Although they might end up in their nursery clothes on a regular day. And they would probably end up having pasta and pizza more often than I'd give it, but those are small things.
He struggles to settle the baby at night when she wakes, but she's breastfed which is probably why.

Before I had children, I always used to wonder about ordinarily very capable BIL who 'couldn't' do tea-bath-bed for his 2 girls in his own, who were between toddler age and about 6. So sister could never meet/chat on the phone before 7. I could tea-bath-bed his girls on my own and they weren't even my girls Confused fortunately that's all in the past now they're 7 and 11 Grin

Triffid1 · 30/04/2021 10:46

These threads annoy me because everyone is coming on here saying, "of course my DH can do this, anyone whose partner can't is an idiot for marrying such a man child" when we know that in real life there are lots and lots and lots of men who point blank refuse to look after their kids for more than an hour at a time, or who never ever take both kids at once and who, if they DO look after the kids, do so in a half hearted way - eg during daddy time, DC always eat pizza/ fish fingers or always stay at home.

This comment from a few pages back resonates:
DH is almost undoubtedly a better parent than I am. I do things like the organising (paying nursery fees, booking doctors appointments, ensuring DS meets his milestones and looking up strategies to improve, creating a routine etc etc) but DH makes DS so happy.

SO of course, this poster's DH could look after the DS for a few hours or a day or two, but what happened if she was in hospital for 6 weeks? would the fees be paid? Would the routine go to pot? Would this DS live on chicken nuggets?

My DH is great and was a SAHD for a while and he does a LOT. But I do sometimes wonder what would happen if I was in a coma for 6 months. Would the kids do a single extra curricular activity? Would they go on a single playdate? Would they get birthday presents? Would they eat a varied diet? DH is a good man and I so I like to think that he'd step up, but it does frustrate me that on a day to day basis, he does "childcare" a lot while I'm the one making sure they're parented and get all the input they need.

MotherOfChaos28 · 30/04/2021 10:47

What an odd question! I work evenings and my dh picks our children up when he finishes work, makes their tea, gets them bathed and into bed then tidies the house same as I do when I’m home. Because he’s their parent too.

Viviennemary · 30/04/2021 10:47

They just need to be made to get on with it. And do the best they can.

TuesdayRuby · 30/04/2021 10:48

I’ve got a 1 year old and a 3 year old. DH can absolutely look after them by himself. They might end up wearing pyjamas instead of clothes and are fed crisps and fish fingers as opposed to something healthy, but they’re fine!
I fully intend on going away by myself for overnight stays this summer so DH will be in charge. (And that gets reciprocated!).
I couldn’t have children without an active partner who took their 50% share of the childcare.

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