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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if your dh/dp can look after the children independently?

415 replies

Neonprint · 30/04/2021 08:53

Can your dp/dh/father of your children look after them on his own? Two children aged 18 months and 4.5? Or just tow under 5. No additional needs or SEN.

If so for how long? What set up support would be needed if any? For example getting clothes out, sorting food etc. If he did look after them alone would he manage well or just cope?

Is this something which happens regularly in your home? Or would it be like you owed him something and he'd be a bit put out?

To be full transparent just having a conversation with a friend and she felt it's normal her dh can't really (doesn't want to) have the children on his own. When she is out of the house. I don't think this is normal and most fathers can do childcare independently even for pre school age. I look after the kids I know although I love them it's not easy!

I think she thinks what men can do and what they should ideally do are different. So is it unreasonable of me to think a father should look after two children that age? Not sure if I'm being unrealistic?

OP posts:

FolkyFoxFace · 30/04/2021 12:12

Of course he can. I wouldn't have had a baby with him if he couldn't! I'm breastfeeding so couldn't manage it for long stretches for practical reasons, but he absolutely could do. He's brilliant with DS, watching them together is one of the most wonderful parts of motherhood in my experience. My own Dad was fantastic and we spent most of our childhood out doing things with him, as my mother wasn't very hands on or affectionate.

Wouldn't stand for one of these lazy dads.

JudgeJ · 30/04/2021 12:14

@Whatisthisfuckery

The only reason men are unable to look after their own kids is because they don’t want to. There is nothing about having a Y chromosome that makes it impossible to look after children.

Or maybe they've never been allowed to look after their own children, so many mothers think they're the only ones who know how to look after their children. What is it about the mere act of giving birth that makes a woman capable of looking after a baby? When No 1 was born I'd never held a baby so it was a learning curve and luckily with no family nearby to interfere I managed.

LunaHardy · 30/04/2021 12:15

DH would be absolutely fine with the kids (we have x2 dd age 3 and 7 weeks) he knows their routines, no problem comforting/settling etc. But if it was longer than a few hours the house would look like a bomb site. I would only have to give instructions if it were something out of the ordinary like a party/play date/appointment.

Sceptre86 · 30/04/2021 12:17

My dh can and has done, ours have a 15 month age gap and he is just as competent as me. He has them whilst I am at work for half a day and then on Saturdays whilst I am at work too.

I wouldn't expect or accept anything less, incompetence is not an attractive trait.

afrikat · 30/04/2021 12:17

My DH managed independently from day one, taking our few weeks old baby out every so often with some expressed milk. He took 3 months shared leave with our second and applied for flexible working so he had a day a week off with them.
I have zero respect for men who say they 'can't cope'.

FilthyforFirth · 30/04/2021 12:19

Dear lord of course my DH can look after his own children without instruction, and does frequently. I didnt get some manual that he didnt on how to look after them and he is equally capable.

I know of a few women in situations similar to your friend and I find it utterly depressing. Why would you procreate with these men?!

TruelyWonder · 30/04/2021 12:22

My husband pretty much does 50% of childcare when not at work. Currently the kids ages are 1, 9 and 15.

He also does the large food shop each week and makes dinner. Puts the younger two to bed.

I am the one to make sure the baby has enough milk, wipes, nappies in the house. Plus they all have clothes and shops that fit. All the school demands are met. He does do the school run if has the day off though.

He can be left alone with them for as long as I need. No prep required. Though I don't normally leave a baby with him until confident off the boob and takes a bottle. So for mine around 6 months. I actually went skiing with friends when my 15 year old was 18 months. He had him and my now adult two (so 11 and 13 at the time) for a week.

TooManyAnimals94 · 30/04/2021 12:23

Recently witnessed this with a friend. She came over for a couple of hours and in that time she received a phonecall and god knows how many texts about what the baby should wear to bed, what the toddler should have for dinner etc just really basic stuff that your average 14 Yr old babysitter could manage.
I was pretty surprised she didn't just turn her phone off. Oh and he hates changing the baby's nappy because she's a girl and it's 'wrong ' WTAF

hellolittlebaby · 30/04/2021 12:24

I have a DC who is around 18 months. I always think about this and concluded that if anything happened to me, I'd be pretty confident he could look after them--whether it's for a few days if I had to go into hospital or forever if something more sinister 😬

He looks after them on a weekend, all weekend. I work (from home) and he looks after the toddler.

For every outfit he's got wrong (back to front, not weather appropriate) he's chosen about 5 others that are perfect. Or nicely put together and I wouldn't have thought to put them together!

He's great with feeding her. I'd have no issues there.

Can't think of any other concerns I'd have. Just that he never feels the cold so maybe I'd worry that he'd forget to put a cardigan on her from time to time 😆

LilaButterfly · 30/04/2021 12:25

DH can and does it regulary when im at work, usually 1 day a week. He doesnt do it the way i would, but he gets them up and dresses them, feeds them, takes them out all without any instructions from me. He even cooks me dinner when i get home.

Im pretty sure any man could do it/learn it if they wanted to, just like any woman can.

RubaDubMum89 · 30/04/2021 12:25

I've only the one child - 4yo DD - but her dad has always been able to look after her well, right from her being born. Infact, for the first 2 weeks of her life, he did absolutely everything as I was incapacitated due to birth injuries.

When she was small and he was having her alone, I might have premade a bottle for him just to be kind, or if he was taking her out for the day I would have packed a bag for her, just to make the process easier not because he wasn't capable 🤷‍♀️

LimeCoconut · 30/04/2021 12:27

@Chocolateandamaretto

I wonder what would happen to all these incompetent dads if, god forbid, something happened to their children's mum! Do you think they'd get a clue or would their children be shuttled off to Granny at every opportunity?

(I'll give you a clue as I am related to a man like this in this exact scenario. His children now live at his mum's. Utterly pathetic)

It sounds morbid but as someone who lost a parent pretty young, it was always absolutely crucial to me that if I had kids it’d only be with a man who was going to be a fantastic father. Not just competent, but a genuinely great dad. I needed to know that if something happened to me, my child would only have to deal with the emotions from losing me but their actual care and standard of living would still be the same.

Honestly couldn’t sleep at night in one of these relationships where mum is primary carer and go-to parent while dad bumbles along chilling in now and then. I just couldn’t cope with it. It’s not right.

DH does everything with our child I do, and loves it, because he wanted a child so much and is hopelessly in love with him just like I am. Since day one we’ve both done every bath and bedtime routine together if we’re both home, and until a year and a bit always changed nappies together too. Cos we both enjoy looking after him so much. It’s a pleasure. I feel like some people just don’t enjoy taking care of their children but while mums are expected to do it anyway because that’s the commitment they made, some dads are allowed to just not bother because they cba.

stressfuljune · 30/04/2021 12:27

At age 11 months and 2.5 years my DC were left with their dad for a week at a time, several times as I was doing a course that had residentials. They just got on with it. Same as if it was the other way round.

throwa · 30/04/2021 12:32

My OH looked after both children from when I went back to work fulll time at 10m, and had them 2 days a week whilst they went to nursery 3 days a week, as that was what worked for us best. Yes, on the first day he was left with the first baby there was quite a few phone calls (mainly along the lines of where do you keep x y and z rather than how do I look after him), and he doesn't do things quite how I would, nor has he ever really managed to get the multi tasking bit of tidying up as he goes along, but of course he's perfectly able to look after his own children!

Why wouldn't a man be able to look after his own children? Women don't get given a handbook on how to do things once they've given birth, and it's not rocket science either!

IrmaFayLear · 30/04/2021 12:33

Obviously if a dh has been heavily involved from day one - or even shares care due to working patterns - then he can manage! It’s a different kettle of fish if the home and dcs have been the wife’s “domain” and then she expects the dh to step in and do everything according to her rules.

Dh was always well able to look after the dcs, even though he was out at work 12 hours a day and not day-to-day hands on. It’s all fine as long as the “main” carer doesn’t start imposing strict rules and getting in a huff about routines and not doing this, that or the other. I’ve always been pretty laid back about watching television and bedtimes etc, so if dh was doing something different I’d probably not even have noticed....

2boysDad · 30/04/2021 12:34

I can confirm that my wife is almost is capable as me at looking after our kids.....

LimeCoconut · 30/04/2021 12:35

This thread is heartening btw, thanks. If you just go by what you see on Facebook you’ve think 90% of dads are useless. Strategic incompetence and all that. It’s refreshing to read so many examples of partnerships with equal parenting.

I remember someone telling me in my teens one of the most important gifts you’ll give your children is who you choose to be their father. Always stuck with me!

(Not intended to shame or judge amazing people parenting alone because the partner they thought they knew turned out to be a dick, or solo by choice parents, or parents in same sex relationships at all, everyone is doing the best they can.)

EKGEMS · 30/04/2021 12:37

We only have one child but he's severely special needs so...hubby does fine although he admits they eat much better when I'm here. (His school teacher said ages ago they could always tell when Mom dressed him vs Dad 🤣)

TruelyWonder · 30/04/2021 12:38

@2boysDad

I can confirm that my wife is almost is capable as me at looking after our kids.....

Jelly0naplate · 30/04/2021 12:40

i find it bizarre that women stay with these men that can't seem to actually fully function as part of a family unit.

dh and father of my two can do everything for our children and around the home. no i wouldn't get anything ready for them - he knows where the clothes and food are. reminders are on the calendar. i might mention x needs wellies for school today as i go out the door but it would be ok if i didn't as well.

Blurp · 30/04/2021 12:40

DH would be absolutely fine if I died tomorrow and he had to take charge. He'd feed them more junk than I would, but they would be absolutely fine.

I remember when we were kids (maybe late primary school age) our mum had flu and Dad was in charge for a couple of days. It wasn't great, but he coped. Some of it was just that he didn't know the routines; other bits (like cooking) were trickier! But he would have learned if he'd done it for longer (he has gone out of his way to take cooking lessons recently "in case Mum dies").

IrmaFayLear · 30/04/2021 12:41

@LimeCoconut -you changed every nappy together?!?!? Has neither of you had to work? Multiple times a day you both trot off to the changing mat? Bloody hell. That sounds like a pair of plonkers, rather than evidence that you love your child “better”. How insulting.

My df was a traditional sort of father who went to work on the 8.04 every day and did the garden, diy etc... but he was the most devoted father anyone could wish for.

Abouttimemum · 30/04/2021 12:42

DH can look after DS in exactly the same way as me because he’s an adult and is 50% responsible.
I hate that we’re still in a situation when loads of men are just fucking useless, or pretend to be useless, or are allowed to be useless.

mixup234 · 30/04/2021 12:43

Yes. DH could (&does) look after the DC solo. I even went away for five days when DCs were preschool age. No detailed instructions / meal prep needed. All was fine (although I missed them terribly!)

drpet49 · 30/04/2021 12:45

* How bloody depressing! DH can do everything I do bar breastfeeding and giving birth. Same with household shitwork.*

^This. I genuinely don’t know any family where the man is incapable of looking after his own kids.

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