To feel totally deflated by husband
Mintsmints · 30/04/2021 00:31
Over the past six months I have had depression and have felt totally down about myself. This has followed a period of depression suffered by my husband. He is still on anti depressants that have killed his sex drive (not that he had a huge one anyway). We have not had sex in 5 months. This has been hard for me as I feel a bit unloved but I have not said anything and he has thanked me for understanding.
Anyway I have been feeling much better and have started to take care of my appearance more and dressing nicer for my own self esteem but also to try and get my DH to notice.
A few days ago I made I comment about buying some nice underwear from Marks and spencer and my DH said with a glint in his eye and a cheeky grin that I could try Anne Summers. He had always loved me wearing sexy underwear, anyway I laughed and said that Marks has some pretty sexy pieces as well. Anyway I order some from Anne Summers and Marks and Spencer.
The Anne summers came today so I decided to put them on to give DH a surprise when he came in from work and for the first time in ages I feel sexy. Anyway for circumstances out of his control he was very late and I ended up getting chances as DS was due home.
As we were making tea I said to gage his reaction that I had been waiting for him in sexy underwear and it made me feel really sexy and I can’t wait to show him. He gave a nod and a smile and said he wished he has been home on time.
After we put DS to bed and he was asleep I suggested going upstairs and slipping back into it to show him and he turned around and said “not now save it for another day”. I must have looked deflated as he immediately went on the defence and said I am putting him under pressure to preform. I replied that it’s not that at all and I just felt really good in it and just wanted to show him as feeling sexy and nice is so rare at the moment. He slammed his cup down and said “go and put the fucking thing on then”
Anyway I leave the room and came upstairs and have packaged the rest of the order back up to send back and have cancelled the Marks and Spencer order. He has been in a huff ever since saying I put him on the spot and you don’t wear stuff like that without expecting anything. I said the underwear was mainly for my benefit to make me feel good but I am sending it back now as every time I wear it I will feel I am putting him under pressure. He said fine.
I just feel so deflated now, I felt so good and positive and I just wanted him to agree and maybe get a wow or something. I don’t want to wear the stuff now.
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
WorraLiberty · 30/04/2021 00:47
I can see both sides here.
You're saying you don't want to put him under pressure but he's struggling with his libido, he was very late home from work, you told him your were waiting for him in sexy underwear and that it made you 'feel really sexy' and then you wanted to put them on again after the kids went to bed.
I can see why he asked you to save it for another day as that just wasn't the right time but you didn't accept that and instead had what sounds like a dig at him "as feeling sexy and nice is so rare at the moment".
Then you made a point of packing up the underwear to send back and cancelling the other order.
I honestly get why you're upset but you are putting pressure on him.
StayingHere · 30/04/2021 01:43
I can see both sides here, he felt under pressure when he wasn't really in the mood, and then he felt guilty because you looked upset. He shouldn't have snapped at you but you don't need to send it all back. Sex lives in many marriages ebb and flow with young children, work pressure, mental health, physical health. Try and relax about it.
SteveArnottsCodeine · 30/04/2021 01:55
I can see this from both angles. You were genuinely trying to liven things up and help. I see that. And under normal circumstances it probably would have been perfect. But getting back from work late because of a hold up at the office or bad traffic or whatever is stressful. Throw in your small kid coming home imminently on top of that stress and it’s double stress, which does not make for feeling relaxed and sexy. Even more so if sex has become a bit of an elephant in the room recently. So he’s not feeling sexy to start off with now and there’s nothing less sexy than being pressured to feel sexy when you’re not up for it for whatever reason. Your DH may have just genuinely been knackered and not been able to face sex due to that, it happens.
If the situation was the other way around everyone here would be saying that you shouldn’t have to do anything that you didn’t want to and that you shouldn’t be pressured into a sexual situation you weren’t up for.
Equally though I get that you had made an effort and even if logically you knew he hadn’t been late on purpose, you were probably a bit cross. So when he later turned you down you reacted poorly. I also feel like you packaging up all the stuff was a bit passive aggressive: I get it, you were hurt, but it was a bit of a childish reaction which has made him react poorly too, in turn.
All ways round I feel like there’s a lack of communication here. Is this a recurring factor in your marriage? It may be something to explore.
NiceGerbil · 30/04/2021 02:11
You have both had depression and are on the mend. That's great.
You miss sex and would like to get that going again. Understandable.
So if I follow. You told him you were going to order sexy underwear. You put it on and surprised him when he got home from work by being in lingerie.
Then you went and made tea... ? What happened in the middle?
Then you put your son to bed. Was he there when you went woohoo surprise sexy underwear? Before you went and made the tea?
It all seems very peculiar. If your son is there and you're going to have to feed everyone then why did you choose to greet him in the sexy underwear when it sounds like acting on it would have been bad timing?
Why all this fannying around, it's a lot of pressure on him. If he's on ADs he may feel better but many fuck your sex drive. For women too, I think you've been lucky.
Why not wait until a good time and snuggle in and see what happens? Or say to him, let me know when you're feeling frisky.
I don't think surprising him in sexy underwear when he gets in from work and then going and cooking feels like the best approach.
Providora · 30/04/2021 02:54
That's really out of line.
That's not what she said at all, she said she'd package up THE REST of the order to send back.
OP I think you have every right to be upset. While he may well be feeling uninterested and pressured to perform, he's been very unkind to you and dismissing of your feelings in the way that he's communicating that. If he'd said 'I'm sorry, I really appreciate the effort you've made but I'm absolutely knackered, can we do this another time?' and shown genuine love and care for you, things would have turned out very differently.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/04/2021 02:57
I 5hink you were putting him under too much pressure. I have absolutely no sex drive after having my third baby, and a slight prolapse, and could honestly just punch dp when he starts trying to feel me up etc, and then when I known him back he sighs or puts on a bit of a let down face.
FlyNow · 30/04/2021 03:07
My DH is a bit like yours and I'm afraid I've had to just give up the idea that sexy underwear will ever be a part of our sex life or that I will ever get a wow. Men with low libedos will never appreciate it, you are always just going to get an embarrassing brush off if you dress up. I was a bit sad about it at first but I have come to see the positive sides, lingerie is expensive and usually uncomfortable.
Another idea could be to get a boudoir photo shoot, just for yourself. You will look at the pictures and say "wow" about yourself. And that's who you ultimately want to make happy.
NiceGerbil · 30/04/2021 03:08
Yes I did misread... Apologies.
I still think that if he's on ADs his sex drive might be fucked even if he's feeling better.
I also think that all the sexy undies stuff is a lot of pressure.
I think OP needs to say tell me when you fancy it and we don't need to have full sex etc just whatever you fancy.
I'm not surprised he got upset tbh.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.