To feel totally deflated by husband

[Mintsmints]

Over the past six months I have had depression and have felt totally down about myself. This has followed a period of depression suffered by my husband. He is still on anti depressants that have killed his sex drive (not that he had a huge one anyway). We have not had sex in 5 months. This has been hard for me as I feel a bit unloved but I have not said anything and he has thanked me for understanding.
Anyway I have been feeling much better and have started to take care of my appearance more and dressing nicer for my own self esteem but also to try and get my DH to notice.

A few days ago I made I comment about buying some nice underwear from Marks and spencer and my DH said with a glint in his eye and a cheeky grin that I could try Anne Summers. He had always loved me wearing sexy underwear, anyway I laughed and said that Marks has some pretty sexy pieces as well. Anyway I order some from Anne Summers and Marks and Spencer.

The Anne summers came today so I decided to put them on to give DH a surprise when he came in from work and for the first time in ages I feel sexy. Anyway for circumstances out of his control he was very late and I ended up getting chances as DS was due home.

As we were making tea I said to gage his reaction that I had been waiting for him in sexy underwear and it made me feel really sexy and I can’t wait to show him. He gave a nod and a smile and said he wished he has been home on time.

After we put DS to bed and he was asleep I suggested going upstairs and slipping back into it to show him and he turned around and said “not now save it for another day”. I must have looked deflated as he immediately went on the defence and said I am putting him under pressure to preform. I replied that it’s not that at all and I just felt really good in it and just wanted to show him as feeling sexy and nice is so rare at the moment. He slammed his cup down and said “go and put the fucking thing on then”

Anyway I leave the room and came upstairs and have packaged the rest of the order back up to send back and have cancelled the Marks and Spencer order. He has been in a huff ever since saying I put him on the spot and you don’t wear stuff like that without expecting anything. I said the underwear was mainly for my benefit to make me feel good but I am sending it back now as every time I wear it I will feel I am putting him under pressure. He said fine.

I just feel so deflated now, I felt so good and positive and I just wanted him to agree and maybe get a wow or something. I don’t want to wear the stuff now.

And tbh I think asking someone who’s completely lost his sex drive to perform a sensual massage on your breasts is pretty insensitive. Again, imagine if a bloke was saying that - ‘I need my penis massaged, to be able to sleep’ sounds very manipulative to me.

He doesn't want to massage you for too long or your boobies as it then might give you the message that he's up for it and he's not.
You mentioned mis matched sex drives, it might be getting to the point now that you decide it's actually a deal breaker

I can see both sides of this too. He was probably shattered after being home late from work, as well as the other issues he has going on right now but I think his attitude to massaging you when he knows you're in pain is a bit naff.
Mind you, I'm not sure why you want him to massage your boobs when you have a flare up? That does sound a bit odd tbh.

@Mintsmints

Thanks everyone. I have always had a higher sex drive then him which has at times been hard. I can count on one hand the sex we have had over the past 18 months. I know now my timing was not great. He won’t see the doctor about changing his pills and he is planning to be on them at least till September as that is when a big project at work comes to an end. So I guess I will just have to deal with it. I just feels he can’t be bothered with me physically at all. I have fibromyalgia and sometimes when I am in a lot of pain it helps if he gives me a bit of a sensual massage. Not sure why think it may release endorphins or something. It can basically make the different between me sleeping at night or not. By sensual I am talking about massaging me but including my boobs and thighs. Not bringing me to orgasim (though that really helps too) but just including those areas. The other night I was nearly crying in pain and he gave my legs a 1 minute rub and said “right you are done” Now that is hard as I can honestly say I would do anything to help if he was in as much pain. I can understand why he does not want to preform but I don’t think giving your wife a rub for 10 minutes including boobs and thighs is asking the earth.

I explained in my first comment why this is.

When you lose your sex drive and you feel that your partner is pressuring you for sex, you start to lose any interest in any physical contact whatsoever. It’s awful to try and have intimacy for it to then end in pressure to have sex or any argument because the other person feels let down, hurt and rejected.

Also when I have no sex drive, the last thing I want is to touch areas that would turn my DH on. Being a participant in something that’s sexual for the other person when it’s not for you feels bloody horrible. It definitely would be asking the earth if DH asked me to rub things that turned him on when I feel repelled by sex. The only way DH can understand it is to imagine being gay and being expected to have sex with someone of the opposite sex, or vice versa. That’s how averse you can feel to it.

You can’t imagine what it’s like to have your sex drive disappear because it hasn’t happened to you. I too have fibromyalgia and other things that can cause sex to be painful at times but when I have some level of sex drive, being in pain, fatigued etc isn’t necessarily a barrier to wanting to have sex. Loss of sex drive is totally different.

I will add that I love my DH as much as ever, and at the times where my sex drive comes back we have wonderful sex, I still find him attractive etc. But when I’m in that mode I don’t find anyone or anything sexually attractive, I have no physical response to anything sexual, don’t get aroused, can’t even stand to watch sex scenes on TV. You could put the most attractive man in the world in front of me and I wouldn’t even want to kiss him. When this first started it lasted many years with no sex drive at all and nothing sexual happening so I know how much strain this adds to a relationship. The only way we survived it was to communicate well.

It’s absolutely horrible feeling this way, and horrible for your partner of course, but it’s absolutely no reflection on their feelings for you.

Nobody HAS to massage anyone else OP. Nobody. It's a very intimate thing and if he doesn't want to then he doesn't have to.

Imagine if a man wanted the same treatment and came on here moaning about not getting it. You sound quite self-absorbed.

Your update makes it worse, OP. You sound quite manipulative and wholly inconsiderate of his feelings and situation.

Massage is a very intimate act, especially if you’re expecting him to massage your private areas too.

He doesn’t want to, he shouldn’t be expected to, and you shouldn’t try to cajole him into it.

You asked him to give you a sensual massage of your intimate areas (hinting that bringing you to orgasm would help the pain more). Can you see how distasteful and odd this would be for him while he has no sex drive.

It’s like a man saying to his wife that as she has no sex drive she can at least massage him sensually and perhaps a handjob too, to help his pain/insomnia.

@BeneathYourWisdom

You asked him to give you a sensual massage of your intimate areas (hinting that bringing you to orgasm would help the pain more). Can you see how distasteful and odd this would be for him while he has no sex drive.

It’s like a man saying to his wife that as she has no sex drive she can at least massage him sensually and perhaps a handjob too, to help his pain/insomnia.

This!

My goodness, your poor husband just can’t win here.

I was seeing both sides until your update OP. Since your update I have to say using your fibromyalgia as a way of pressuring him into engaging with you sexually is not cool. It's manipulative and it will only make him draw away from you more. Someone once used the illness card on me to try and get me in to bed and I've never been more revolted in my life that someone would try to use illness for sexual gains. Sex should come from a place of mutual consent with love or lust not from manipulation or pity.

I’m actually so grossed out by that update that I’m wondering if the whole thing is trolling.

He said he wasn't in the mood, you huffed and he got defensive. Save undies for another day when he isnt late and tired

If he doesnt want to massage you he doesnt have to. Go have a warm bath or something

I think you need to talk to someone about this OP. Your update has left me confused as to your expectations of your husband and the impact of the methods you use to try to meet your needs on the relationship overall.

I think 18 months of little intimacy is a long time. I can’t help but wonder if there is more going on with him. I think you need a serious talk and try to find out if it’s just the depression or something else.

I agree with Jobsharenightmare above.

Because, perhaps, of the length of time things have been difficult and complicated between you (months of mental health problems) you have developed a skewed vision of what is ok and what isn't.

You've identified methods of improving life for yourself, which is good, but have forgotten that you can't 'use' your DH to facilitate these.

You do sound very down and deflated. I can understand why. But you are putting your DH under massive pressure. Unreasonably so. Just think what the reaction would be had you stated on here that you had a naturally low sex drive, lowered still by essential medication, but that your Husband was very upset when you declined his invitation to view him in his underwear. And that you had previously not been very enthusiastic about massaging him all over; including his intimate areas.

You have a right to wish things were otherwise. But you need to approach things with more tact and sensitivity.

Also M and S will only allow you to cancel an order within 30 minutes of placing it. Which plainly this wasn’t. After 30 minutes you have to receive it and then send it back if you don’t want it. So whatever your intentions re the M and S underwear, you have not yet cancelled it.