To feel totally deflated by husband

[Mintsmints]

Over the past six months I have had depression and have felt totally down about myself. This has followed a period of depression suffered by my husband. He is still on anti depressants that have killed his sex drive (not that he had a huge one anyway). We have not had sex in 5 months. This has been hard for me as I feel a bit unloved but I have not said anything and he has thanked me for understanding.
Anyway I have been feeling much better and have started to take care of my appearance more and dressing nicer for my own self esteem but also to try and get my DH to notice.

A few days ago I made I comment about buying some nice underwear from Marks and spencer and my DH said with a glint in his eye and a cheeky grin that I could try Anne Summers. He had always loved me wearing sexy underwear, anyway I laughed and said that Marks has some pretty sexy pieces as well. Anyway I order some from Anne Summers and Marks and Spencer.

The Anne summers came today so I decided to put them on to give DH a surprise when he came in from work and for the first time in ages I feel sexy. Anyway for circumstances out of his control he was very late and I ended up getting chances as DS was due home.

As we were making tea I said to gage his reaction that I had been waiting for him in sexy underwear and it made me feel really sexy and I can’t wait to show him. He gave a nod and a smile and said he wished he has been home on time.

After we put DS to bed and he was asleep I suggested going upstairs and slipping back into it to show him and he turned around and said “not now save it for another day”. I must have looked deflated as he immediately went on the defence and said I am putting him under pressure to preform. I replied that it’s not that at all and I just felt really good in it and just wanted to show him as feeling sexy and nice is so rare at the moment. He slammed his cup down and said “go and put the fucking thing on then”

Anyway I leave the room and came upstairs and have packaged the rest of the order back up to send back and have cancelled the Marks and Spencer order. He has been in a huff ever since saying I put him on the spot and you don’t wear stuff like that without expecting anything. I said the underwear was mainly for my benefit to make me feel good but I am sending it back now as every time I wear it I will feel I am putting him under pressure. He said fine.

I just feel so deflated now, I felt so good and positive and I just wanted him to agree and maybe get a wow or something. I don’t want to wear the stuff now.

I’ve experienced a complete loss of sex drive due to medication (a different one) that’s lasted years, not months. It’s extremely hard to explain what it’s like, but to me this sounds like too much pressure and your response to him saying so was pretty manipulative (you’ll send them back because you wouldn’t want him to think he’s pressuring you). He tried to let you know gently that he wasn’t in the mood, you pushed it and he got upset.

I know it’s enormously difficult for the partner, but it’s also bloody horrible to lose your libido like this. It’s absolutely not about you, you could be the sexiest person on earth in the sexiest underwear - it wouldn’t change anything.

You picked the wrong time really. Id have chosen a day off. My ex husband would always choose a lousy time to start making sexual suggestions such as after a 12 hour NhS shift when I was knackered then throw a tantrum. It was exhausting.

YANBU. His behaviour - snapping at you when you were trying to do something that would boost your confidence - was thoughtless at best. I can imagine how crushed and humiliated you felt and in your shoes I would have sent the stuff back too.

I agree with pps that your timing was bad, but that doesn't excuse the cup-slamming and swearing at you.

Oh OP. This is sad for both of you, but I do think you should have stopped trying when he said he wasn't up for it.

Sorry you got shouted at for looking sad. I hope you find your way back to a good place xx

You did put him under pressure to perform though.

He was unexpectedly late home from work, he said he was tired, you know he’s recovering from depression, why in the world would he want SEX? Why did you even suggest ‘slipping them back on’ after a day he clearly wasn’t up for it?

Did he give any sign of being up for it that night? (Before you pushed him).

If my husband kept hinting about some sexy new boxers or new toy he’d got for us, on a night I was exhausted from work, when I was recovering from depression and had a low sex drive, I’d be furious and upset too. If he then said he was sending them all back as I’d hurt his feelings I’d think he was coercing or guilt tripping me not to mention petulant. Sex is only pleasurable when you’re both in the mood.

It’s like you think one person’s desire for sex that very night eclipses the other’s tiredness and work stress; you didn’t take his feelings into account at all just kept hinting about the new undies.

Very childish to send them back and say you’re never wearing them again just because he declined the first time you wore them (without him even seeing them, because he was stuck at work!)

People can’t help not having much sex drive. You say you’ve been depressed yourself, only just started taking care of your appearance again. Don’t you get you need to go slowly and not nag him for sex when he’s clearly not in the mood. He said another night and you kept pushing him until he got upset and felt pressured!

He suggested Ann Summers initially which was a good sign he’s making an effort and showing interest again. Why don’t you put the lingerie on at the weekend when you’re both relaxed and not tired from work?

Seduction isn’t about one person putting lingerie on and saying they expect sex that night or never... then getting in a huff.

If he never wants it maybe it’s time to face up to your sex drives being mis-matched and work on why. Demanding he admire you in underwear when he’s tired isn’t going to make him want what you do.

OP I feel for you. From my experience with antidepressants, it is physically impossible to often feel anything during sex, I think it’s to do with the blood flow to those regions.. I would be surprised if if he could even keep an erection. So his reaction may have been caused by insecurity?
Not trying to defend him, of course everyone wants feel desired, so you are right feel upset. He should have handled it differently.

I feel a bit sad that you are now trying really hard to make yourself feel valued through being sexually appealing to a man.

Can you sit him down and have a talk about things, perhaps how long its reasonable to take sex off the table? Because otherwise you may end up in a sotuation where he calls and you cime running because youre so desperate for the intimacy.

Yes, hes depressed, and thats a health condition you can talk about managing together. The symptoms affect you amd you have a right to talk about it.

I can see why you’re hurt at how he acted. However you were also a bit naive to think he would get excited or pounce on you at the thought of the underwear as you haven’t had sex for five months. He wasn’t suddenly going to change at that moment. I think your expectations were high. It sounds like even if he had got home from work early, it wouldn’t have made a difference.

OP would you have been happy if he just looked appreciatively and complimented you?

Or if he held and kissed you but no more?

I think maybe he was just too tired by that point and felt a little embarrassed. I think men do put themselves under pressure of always being up for it and won't just say 'sorry not tonight'. I'm sure he could have explained himself better though.

Pretty unsupportive - if my DH is tired he’ll prob want some food, a supportive shoulder squeeze etc. If I came back shattered after work and dh surprised me with a massive erection, I wouldn’t really be able to go ‘oh how lovely, glad you’re feeling sexy my dear’ then return to my evening. Definitely some expectation there.

You also contradict yourself:

He has been in a huff ever since saying I put him on the spot and you don’t wear stuff like that without expecting anything. I said the underwear was mainly for my benefit to make me feel good

Maybe in his experience women only wear sexy underwear when they want it to lead to sex?
If the lingerie made you feel good why did you even need him to see it? Why did you take it off when he was late instead of dressing over it? It either makes you feel good and you wear it for yourself... or you wear it to seduce or for him to admire you in it?

I have been feeling much better and have started to take care of my appearance more and dressing nicer for my own self esteem but also to try and get my DH to notice

You clearly say you’ve been dressing to get him to notice, not JUST to boost your esteem. Normal to want sex and yes 5 months without sex is hard. And feeling rejected is horrible.

But it’s also horrible to feel you’re being pressured into sex (or admiring your partner in sexy undies) when you’re exhausted and want to sleep. I guess he feared the undies wouldn’t turn him on as he was tired/stressed and wanted to try another day? And thought you expected him to find them a turn on? It’s not like men can even fake being aroused. If you were showing him an evening gown or posh shoes he could have said ‘looks lovely dear’ then you take it off but lingerie has connotations!

What’s wrong with showing him the undies on another day when he’s in the mood as well as you?

Keep the underwear. Wear it all the time, you said it was for you.
Have you checked that the medication he is on doesn't affect sex performance as I think quite a lot do.
He can get something to help him gain an erection. But will have to be brave and ask GP.

Might have to pay for the prescription.

My DH has sexual problems caused by his MH and then subsequent antidepressants. He was advised to get Viagra by his psychologist but he didn’t bother.
We no longer have sex. You need to decide whether you need sex in a relationship and if it would be a deal breaker for you.

Does sexy underwear really make you feel good about yourself?

I find it just goes up your bum and you’re forever digging it out. Very uncomfortable.

OP I can see both sides.

My ex husband had depression and is still on meds but the gp gave him viagra to take as well at the time.

However I can see why you are upset and I would've been absolutely crushed and pissed off by the way he responded as well .

Try to have a chat once you've both calmed down and see if you can move forward from ,but I can wholeheartedly see why your confidence was hardly boosted amd now you feel like shit .

I can see both sides. But and I think it's quite a big but... He spoke to you like shit which is unacceptable and is obviously going to put you off wanting sex with him ever.

In addition I know it could be argued it was bad timing as he had a long day. But if your sex life has taken a big hit off you don't initiate because of various circumstances you end up never initiating.

Sorry if my post sounded harsh.

I remember having PND not so long ago, being on an SSRI that killed my sex drive and my DH one night dressed up in erm leather things including a gauntlet (think Game of Thrones style). I burst out laughing. It hurt his feelings and he felt rejected. He felt sexy, I didn’t feel aroused and couldn’t pretend to be as I’d got the giggles.

He was hurt for a while but our sex life did return in time. He learned to go a bit more gently and not to present himself in sexy outfits when I’d just finished a night shift!

I can see both sides as well. I'm sorry things are so hard for you both at the moment.

He shouldn't have snapped and sworn at you and I hope he apologises for that.

Would some couples counselling be useful for you both at this point? Are you having any individual counselling for your own depression?

You tried to pressure him several times into this after he was late home. Can you honestly say that if he’d agreed to coming up and looking at the clothes, but didn’t feel up to sex, you’d have been all happy and not rejected??

You picked a really bad time and then had a strop about it and packed the stuff up! If DH had tried that on me when I’d had a long day, I wouldn’t have been up for it either-it would feel like pestering.

I can see both sides BUT I think he's being inconsiderate of your needs as well. He could've at least just said, I don't feel I can give you much sexually tonight but I'd love to see it on to build up the anticipation at least or validate that yes, you do look sexy in it (obviously he wouldn't have said those words but you get my sentiment).

@DinosaurDiana

He is an arse. He can’t ‘perform’ for you, but I bet he’d expect you to ‘perform’ if and when it suited him.

There's absolutely no evidence of this at all! What man-hating bollocks. He clearly hasn't "expected her to perform" for months, because he's depressed and on sex-drive suppressing drugs, ffs.

It’s not man hating, it’s experience of this very situation.