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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel totally deflated by husband

116 replies

Mintsmints · 30/04/2021 00:31

Over the past six months I have had depression and have felt totally down about myself. This has followed a period of depression suffered by my husband. He is still on anti depressants that have killed his sex drive (not that he had a huge one anyway). We have not had sex in 5 months. This has been hard for me as I feel a bit unloved but I have not said anything and he has thanked me for understanding.
Anyway I have been feeling much better and have started to take care of my appearance more and dressing nicer for my own self esteem but also to try and get my DH to notice.

A few days ago I made I comment about buying some nice underwear from Marks and spencer and my DH said with a glint in his eye and a cheeky grin that I could try Anne Summers. He had always loved me wearing sexy underwear, anyway I laughed and said that Marks has some pretty sexy pieces as well. Anyway I order some from Anne Summers and Marks and Spencer.

The Anne summers came today so I decided to put them on to give DH a surprise when he came in from work and for the first time in ages I feel sexy. Anyway for circumstances out of his control he was very late and I ended up getting chances as DS was due home.

As we were making tea I said to gage his reaction that I had been waiting for him in sexy underwear and it made me feel really sexy and I can’t wait to show him. He gave a nod and a smile and said he wished he has been home on time.

After we put DS to bed and he was asleep I suggested going upstairs and slipping back into it to show him and he turned around and said “not now save it for another day”. I must have looked deflated as he immediately went on the defence and said I am putting him under pressure to preform. I replied that it’s not that at all and I just felt really good in it and just wanted to show him as feeling sexy and nice is so rare at the moment. He slammed his cup down and said “go and put the fucking thing on then”

Anyway I leave the room and came upstairs and have packaged the rest of the order back up to send back and have cancelled the Marks and Spencer order. He has been in a huff ever since saying I put him on the spot and you don’t wear stuff like that without expecting anything. I said the underwear was mainly for my benefit to make me feel good but I am sending it back now as every time I wear it I will feel I am putting him under pressure. He said fine.

I just feel so deflated now, I felt so good and positive and I just wanted him to agree and maybe get a wow or something. I don’t want to wear the stuff now.

OP posts:
hannayeah · 30/04/2021 03:17

@Crowsandshivers

I can see both sides too. Unwrap the stuff and pop it away for another day. It was bad timing. You felt good in them so keep them for you. I'm sure he will want to see you in them soon.
I agree with this. Flowers
1forAll74 · 30/04/2021 03:24

Wear your new things for the milkman in the morning, he won't be able to touch you, he will just say Wow, from the doorstep. or pavement !

Jobsharenightmare · 30/04/2021 03:35

I can see both sides here too.

Genuinely if you would have been happy with him looking at you in the underwear admiringly, giving you a compliment but then suggesting you chat or watch TV etc and put it back on another time, would you have been happy?

I suspect he was worried you would have wanted some sort of response from him that he was nervous about, knew he couldn't give at that time and as such felt on the spot.

I agree there are bigger issues than the sex because it isn't normal to then feel you need to retreat and send it all back. It suggests he is right and there is a lot pressure (on you both) in this relationship. Often couples who have been through a difficult time as you have can benefit from support around mutual hurts and resentments that depression can cause.

SD1978 · 30/04/2021 03:39

I understand you were and do feel rejected/ anyone would. But if he had pestered you three times in one day- how would you have felt? I wouldn't send back the order, this is something you both seem to want to work on, so hopefully with a bit more time you can.

BlueVelvetStars · 30/04/2021 04:13

Next time you buy something pretty and sensual OP, buy it for you, nobody else. Flowers

Greygreenblue · 30/04/2021 04:27

I can totally see his side. I also have limited sex drive thanks to motherhood and antidepressants combined. Though not as bad (5 months is a long time!). But of course he feels pressure. He knows how long it has been and what you want. My OH often says and does things that let me know exactly what he wants and what I am not giving him without directly saying it. Unfortunately the pressure, especially when feel like I’ve already been.clear about where I am at, makes it worse.

That said what is he doing to rectify this? It can’t go on forever. I am working very hard to improve my sex drive (you name it I have tried it) and in meantime be more affectionate and make sure I am sometimes available, even if don’t really feel like it, because it is important to him. And he is important to me, and I am still attracted to him.

Lullaby88 · 30/04/2021 04:35

Sounds a little pushy from your end. I see why yr upset but also see why your husband reacted that way. If he is going through tough times, is tired etc its not the right time to be doing that stuff just for ur own benefit. Wait till you are both ready and its a good time for u both. Its not a one way thing. Id hate to be under pressure to perform. Sounds suffocating!

Cartwheelingdinosaur · 30/04/2021 04:39

He came home late from work. The OP mentioned the underwear whilst they were distracted making the tea, making sure he knew he missed out on seeing it because he was late. It was hardly setting the mood. He was still trying to unwind, then he had the pressure of sexy underwear and expectations to worry about whilst preparing tea. The timing was terrible here. Read the room OP.

Perhaps wait time wait till your both relaxed and alone. Then mention your new underwear had arrived and how it made you feel and how you can't wait for him to see you in them. Don't spring it on him while cooking.

Tinkpod · 30/04/2021 05:49

Regardless of what your husbands reaction is... wear it for you!!! Wear sexy underwear every day for yourself, i do, it makes you feel so much better about yourself, ok his reaction was crap, but don't let that stop you taking pride in your appearance and making yourself feel good. No woman wants to feel rubbish about herself, but also, no woman should rely on a man to make her feel good. And also, if you have an accident and get whizzed into casualty, when the fit doctor has to see you and you are getting your clothes cut or taken off, you are suitably prepared and will look great Wink

Backtoblack1 · 30/04/2021 06:17

Why was he late home from work? Sorry if this is a sceptical question. X

FortunesFave · 30/04/2021 06:25

I think you're being a big baby about it. Fancy sending it all back!

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2021 06:27

Sending it back and cancelling is a childish over reaction. He said he was tired. He was late home, why didn’t you just save it for another day?

BananaSpanner · 30/04/2021 06:33

@Backtoblack1

Why was he late home from work? Sorry if this is a sceptical question. X
Don’t, just don’t. I can tell what you’re implying. People are late home from work all the time because they finished work late or because the traffic was bad or the train was late etc Not because they’re having an affair or hiding from their horny wife Hmm
Everyday21 · 30/04/2021 06:36

I agree with the others that I dont think a wow would have been enough for you. It's a shame he wasnt in the mood but you are putting pressure on him. You said you bought it for you and if that was true theres no need to send it back. Make yourself feel good

SilverGlassHare · 30/04/2021 06:37

Exactly this. Especially when he’s on antidepressants that sap his sex drive! The last thing he’ll want is another woman pressuring him for sex.

Levis501star · 30/04/2021 06:39

@RantyAnty

He shouldn't have been so harsh to you. I understand how rejected you felt.

5 months without sex? I suspect something else is wrong here.
Have you been together long? Is there an age difference?

Depression kills sex drive. Add on meds that do the same. This causes ill party to feel guilty and easily 'harassed' into sex.

I've been on both sides of this. Neither were in anyway good but the very worst was when I was sick.

My exH kept pulling these kind of stunts and i felt so much worse. I was v I'll though. Constantly suicidal, in and out of hospital. Tbh this kind of thing made it feel like a benny hill show in my house. I shudder to remember how bad it was.

Just because you are feeling better and want to feel better about yourself he will feel the pressure is on if you want to show him your underwear.. sounds like you are in different places of recovery...

I'm not sure wearing Anne Summers would help self esteem more than a decent hair cut or something. If you want sex you need to have the conversation out of the moment.

Focus on feeling better about you without him needing sexual response.

Pinchoftums · 30/04/2021 06:42

You've both had a really tough time. Be nice to yourself and him. I would apologise and say you hadnt meant to put pressure on him but wanted to put a smile on his face. Then have a lovely wank 😁

Theunamedcat · 30/04/2021 06:51

Read the room? From her perspective he doesn't even want to look at her and compliment her

I would be gutted too and unlikely to repeat the performance

AC12theletterofthelaw · 30/04/2021 06:52

@Backtoblack1

Why was he late home from work? Sorry if this is a sceptical question. X
What are you implying here. What an awful comment to make. I was late home last night from work because one of the kids who does our Mail and a few junior duties is off at the moment. I sorted the sanitising, washed the mugs and did the filing once the office closed. People are late all the time for lots of different reasons.
Tulipomania · 30/04/2021 06:55

Poor bloke.

I'm sure he's unhappy about losing his sex drive due to illness and you just made him feel about 50 times worse.

PurpleWh1teGreen · 30/04/2021 06:57

Imagine if you we the one who wasn’t up for sex and your DH was pressuring you?

It isn’t OK.

ChikiTIKI · 30/04/2021 06:57

HiBU for being so aggressive out of nowhere.
YABVU for returning underwear you have worn 😱🤮

Itgetsthehoseagain · 30/04/2021 06:57

I think the looking deflated would have annoyed me, too. Your husband actually sounds really nice and polite and genuine! Flowers

DinosaurDiana · 30/04/2021 07:01

He is an arse.
He can’t ‘perform’ for you, but I bet he’d expect you to ‘perform’ if and when it suited him.

Levis501star · 30/04/2021 07:01

@Theunamedcat

Read the room? From her perspective he doesn't even want to look at her and compliment her

I would be gutted too and unlikely to repeat the performance

Thing is is, if he complimented her despite feeling utterly uninterested in sex it might lead her on. Then he has to reject her again.

I know why he'd say nothing tbh.

Poor chap.

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