AIBU to groan inwardly every time an extrovert says ‘the more the merrier’?

[PromisingMiddleagedWoman]

Just that really. I tend towards being an introvert (though not to an extreme I don’t think) and really enjoy meeting up with one, two, maybe three friends at a time. I find groups of this size manageable and the conversation flows well.

In groups bigger than this I tend to struggle and to automatically go into ‘listening mode’ rather than joining in the conversation properly. Totally my issue I know. But I do get frustrated when I arrange to meet a couple of NCT friends at a soft play for example (pre Covid!) and when we get there one of them has invited a few other mums she knows through nursery. She then blithely says ‘the more the merrier!’ and there’s (to me anyway) awkward conversations as the two groups don’t really gel, and people can’t have the conversations they really want to have as that would exclude some people.

And you can’t object to ‘the more the merrier’ without coming across as though you don’t like the other people who have been added! Plus it’s genuinely not a case of me not liking the additional people, more that for me it negatively affects the group dynamics.

Of course there are social gatherings that are large and that’s absolutely fine, as long as I know that’s going to be the case. If I’m going to a party or a wedding or whatever I can mentally prepare for it, and though I find it hard work and pretty tiring I usually enjoy them.

I guess my gripe is when it doesn’t even cross the mind of extroverted friends to think that inviting additional people to a small meet-up can affect introverted people in this way. Do any other introverts ever feel like this?

I think Holly60 is the inviting mum and a rime example of what OP is complaiing about!
Luckily most of us arent like that OP

I'm an introvert and have always, from being a young child, preferred a social occasion with just 2 or 3 other people as I prefer the deeper conversation you can have. I actually do enjoy circulating a room at a party on occasion, chatting on a superficial level to lots of people I know, but these tend to be more of a quick catch up, don't they? "What are you up to these days?" or "Oh I saw on FB that your son is off to university in September, is he excited?" and that kind of thing. Then onto the next person. I have no problem with people bringing an unknown "plus one" to a party or larger gathering like a big BBQ at someone's garden, where people are circulating and talking to multiple people over the course of the event.

But when the point of the meet up was to have a really good convo over a couple of hours with just 2 or 3 others with a shared background, then it does get a bit irksome if someone always brings along other people. It's fine if it's one individual who has just moved to the area or something and would appreciate being introduced to new people, I understand that and am happy to welcome them. But when I was a skint young mum who rarely went out and was looking forward to a meal out with good friends who knew me well so I could confide in them how isolated I felt during the day when DH was at work, or who wouldn't mind if I was more quiet than normal because they knew I was just sooo knackered from being up with a teething baby, it got annoying if someone else I barely knew was brought along by someone.

Instantly the conversation got more superficial. If I was feeling tired I would feel like I would have to fake being more lively and chatty so that the extra person/people didn't feel uncomfortable etc etc. Invariably, anything quite deep or personal that I'd planned to say wouldn't happen etc. etc. Often I went home earlier than I would have otherwise as it just wasn't the same.

Perhaps the difference is whether you're into things like hen weekends or not. I DETEST them, and any organised big group thing where you're supposed to act as a group "Oh I've bought Tshirts for everyone - how good will we look all wearing these?!" It's just too "herd mentality" for me.

With OP's situation, I do think it's a bit rude to invite more than one other person to a small group soft play thing. For one, you wouldn't all be able to sit together. So the pesron who'd invited the extra people will end up sitting with them and you have to ask yourself, well, why didn't they just arrange a separate trip amongst themselves another time?

I love when friends invite other friends, its nice to meet new people and I've made some new friendships this way! I'd always make an effort to involve the new person in the conversation, its rarely awkward!

I say this but I mean ''let's not exclude anybody''. I like smaller groups but it hurts to be excluded so yeh, the more the merrier is a nicer way to behave.