AIBU to groan inwardly every time an extrovert says ‘the more the merrier’?

[PromisingMiddleagedWoman]

Just that really. I tend towards being an introvert (though not to an extreme I don’t think) and really enjoy meeting up with one, two, maybe three friends at a time. I find groups of this size manageable and the conversation flows well.

In groups bigger than this I tend to struggle and to automatically go into ‘listening mode’ rather than joining in the conversation properly. Totally my issue I know. But I do get frustrated when I arrange to meet a couple of NCT friends at a soft play for example (pre Covid!) and when we get there one of them has invited a few other mums she knows through nursery. She then blithely says ‘the more the merrier!’ and there’s (to me anyway) awkward conversations as the two groups don’t really gel, and people can’t have the conversations they really want to have as that would exclude some people.

And you can’t object to ‘the more the merrier’ without coming across as though you don’t like the other people who have been added! Plus it’s genuinely not a case of me not liking the additional people, more that for me it negatively affects the group dynamics.

Of course there are social gatherings that are large and that’s absolutely fine, as long as I know that’s going to be the case. If I’m going to a party or a wedding or whatever I can mentally prepare for it, and though I find it hard work and pretty tiring I usually enjoy them.

I guess my gripe is when it doesn’t even cross the mind of extroverted friends to think that inviting additional people to a small meet-up can affect introverted people in this way. Do any other introverts ever feel like this?

[quote OwlBeThere]@Holly60 again it’s not ‘histrionics’ (horribly misogynistic word anyway) it’s explaining how what you might perceive as someone feeling a bit awkward is much harder than that for some. You seem to feel empathy for people feeling alone, but not empathy for those who struggle socially: I wonder why that is.
My friends have no idea how badly that kind of thing can affect me, but they DO realise that running inviting other people past those already invited is helpful for me.[/quote]
Agree with this. ^ @Holly60 your comments are really rude and snarky.

You are the kind of person the OP is on about. The rude and pushy and obnoxious type who does what they like, and to hell with anyone else's feelings.

It also means I've ticked that person off my mental list so don't have to see them again until I've filled my mental quota of people I ought to see.

@flynow

This is exactly why me and others hate it. You often get a feeling the inviter is happy to have saved time getting all their socialising for the week/month /whatever over and done with.

With absolutely no thought as to whether the event will be enjoyable for everyone. When I see someone is doing that I just think "if you are that pressed for time and/or lazy, then just skip seeing me... I'm not that desperate for your company!"

Agree with this!

@TheOneWithTheBigNose I think people often confuse introversion with being shy or not very social and the opposite with extroversion and that’s not what it means really.
Introverts are people who get drained by socialising, extroverts are energised by other people.
You can be a social introvert, who likes people but needs alone time to recharge, you can also be an antisocial extrovert who thrives off being the centre of attention but isn’t that fussed on having friends.

And there are people who fall somewhere along the spectrum. Ambiverts.

@CoRhona

As an extrovert, if I say 'the more the merrier' while gaily inviting all and sundry, it means I don't get decent conversation from current company!

This!!

I hate labels but if I had to label myself this way I'd say I'm an extrovert.

My heart sinks a little when I realise there's a grown adult in my company who I have to make all the conversation with and get very little back from. Different folks different strokes I guess.

As an extrovert, if I say 'the more the merrier' while gaily inviting all and sundry, it means I don't get decent conversation from current company!

I think the so-called "introverts" with a strong reaction get that and are not happy about it 😂

@motherloaded I have a strong reaction to people implying others are so boring you need more people around to make up for it, yes. Because I’m not an arsehole who thinks it’s funny to make people who might well be insecure feel bad about themselves.
I’d suggest you need to grow up a little bit.

[quote OwlBeThere]@motherloaded I have a strong reaction to people implying others are so boring you need more people around to make up for it, yes. Because I’m not an arsehole who thinks it’s funny to make people who might well be insecure feel bad about themselves.
I’d suggest you need to grow up a little bit.[/quote]
This. And I’m an extrovert! Everyone is interesting if you can get over your need for attention enough to actually listen to them.

And also yes @Holly60 your comments are unkind. It’s totally ok to get left out occasionally- the sort of entitlement you seem to feel is akin to a 5 year old having a tantrum because she hasn’t been invited to the party her 9 year old brother is going to. Not everything needs to include everyone! I bet you’re the person who gets invited out of politeness and yet everyone rolls their eyes and says ‘did she invite herself again?’

In groups conversation can split off? When I go to a group dinner you don’t all always talk as a group.

Am I the only one who has never had a 'more the merrier' random person invited to a group meet up?

If I meet with friends, only those friends turn up. No one has ever brought a random along. Or if I'm meeting someone new it's arranged in advance eg 'I thought you might like to meet Anna, you have X in common and it should be fun, shall I arrange coffee?'

I'm an introvert- I prefer my own company 90% of the time. But I'm also a "more the merrier" person. I dislike the intensity of 1:1 or small groups. If I'm coming out of my comfort zone to join friends at an event I'd rather blend in to the crowd than be in some intense meet up. That's not to say I dont like a chat with a friend, but i can do that as part of a larger group or in passing.

@Moulesvinrouge1

And also yes *@Holly60* your comments are unkind. It’s totally ok to get left out occasionally- the sort of entitlement you seem to feel is akin to a 5 year old having a tantrum because she hasn’t been invited to the party her 9 year old brother is going to. Not everything needs to include everyone! I bet you’re the person who gets invited out of politeness and yet everyone rolls their eyes and says ‘did she invite herself again?’

I’m not friends with anyone who would ‘eye roll’ at anyone. That’s the whole point of what I’m saying - how horrible a person would you have to be to get annoyed with someone because they want to socialise with you

[quote OwlBeThere]@motherloaded I have a strong reaction to people implying others are so boring you need more people around to make up for it, yes. Because I’m not an arsehole who thinks it’s funny to make people who might well be insecure feel bad about themselves.
I’d suggest you need to grow up a little bit.[/quote]
I agree @OwlBeThere. I also don't understand why those who find others so boring meet up with them in the first place.

It’s not about being a ‘horrible person’. But equally you just can’t go inviting yourself to everything. Like with the poster above who had autistic children and a friend who just kept inviting people on their days out, causing her children distress. Why does your need not to feel left out trump others need to not have their day changed or disrupted? You sound a touch pushy and a little self-unaware.

I can see both sides. I do think there are some situations like with a set group of friends you spend time with regularly that it might be an unspoken but known thing that it will just be the usual crowd - like a birthday or going to someone's house or something, especially if it was just going to be for the adults.

But going to a public place with the kids - I think it's nice to include people who might be feeling lonely or not have too many mum friends and it might mean people can form smaller groups to chat in once they're there!

@Moulesvinrouge1

It’s not about being a ‘horrible person’. But equally you just can’t go inviting yourself to everything. Like with the poster above who had autistic children and a friend who just kept inviting people on their days out, causing her children distress. Why does your need not to feel left out trump others need to not have their day changed or disrupted? You sound a touch pushy and a little self-unaware.

Look, I think you are getting confused to be honest. The OP was about inviting OTHERS to a public venue, the ‘more the merrier’ being used as a way of making people feel that they are welcome to come along. What I said was that I often invite people to join me when it is appropriate (I.e the venue is a public one rather than somebody else’s house). I never said I go around inviting myself to things - I get enough invitations as it is and actually enjoy the little time I do get to myself

I think I just said that I WOULD find it awkward if someone very obviously didn’t want me to come to something where there is no obvious reason for me not to come along, as a way of explaining why I’m a ‘more the merrier’ type person. If I was going to a museum with a group of friends, and I had another friend who i knew wasn’t doing anything and who enjoys museums, I would probably invite that friend along, as it is a kind thing to do. My friends will also bring people to our gatherings and I’ve met so many lovely people because of this - I’m glad my group of friends is so inclusive and friendly as my social life is richer for it.

I stand by saying that it’s horrible and cliquey to think you can decide that someone is not allowed to come to a public place, and spend time with a group of people just because it makes one person feel ‘awkward’ (again quoting the OP) of course there are circumstances where it would be a total social faux pas to invite other people along, but the scenario in the OP was not one of these circumstances.

@Holly60 what you are as being cliquey others see as being all they can manage to cope with. It’s not wrong to want to invite others along, but it’s also not wrong to not be able to manage more than was originally planned- it just depends on the kind of person you are with differing needs.

@Holly60 you're confusing public places with private gatherings.
In a big group of people where it's expected that everyone will break off to do their own thing it's alright to invite people along.
But the OP invited only 2 people - in a scenario where they'd be sitting and chatting. I can see how it would ruin the group dynamics to bring a bunch of randoms along.
The mum who invited people at her own behest was rude.
Also not sure what you'd accept as 'obvious reasons' for you to not come along. If I was meeting a group of friends with an established history and we wanted a natter about old times I'd consider it rude to invite a stranger... as they'd feel left out of the conversation

[quote TheLastLotus]@Holly60 you're confusing public places with private gatherings.
In a big group of people where it's expected that everyone will break off to do their own thing it's alright to invite people along.
But the OP invited only 2 people - in a scenario where they'd be sitting and chatting. I can see how it would ruin the group dynamics to bring a bunch of randoms along.
The mum who invited people at her own behest was rude.
Also not sure what you'd accept as 'obvious reasons' for you to not come along. If I was meeting a group of friends with an established history and we wanted a natter about old times I'd consider it rude to invite a stranger... as they'd feel left out of the conversation[/quote]
Well we will just have to agree to disagree. I’ve literally never been in a situation where it has been made worse by having a friend of a friend there, but I’ll have to take your word for it that you have...

[quote OwlBeThere]@Holly60 what you are as being cliquey others see as being all they can manage to cope with. It’s not wrong to want to invite others along, but it’s also not wrong to not be able to manage more than was originally planned- it just depends on the kind of person you are with differing needs.[/quote]
Yes I suppose it does, and the world needs different types of people. I’ve got say social anxiety is something that is very alien to me but I’ve no doubt it is horrible for those who suffer from it.

So now I know: if I'm at the school gates and don't invite every other mum there to the park, I'm part of a bitchy mum clique, but if I invite anyone else, I'm thoughtless, insensitive, rude, spoiling the group dynamic.

There's obviously a big difference between deliberately leaving people out, and inviting random extra people who wouldn't otherwise have known about a pre-arranged event. (And don't even know the others involved).

School mums going to park - all should be invited if they are in the right place at the right time. School mums arranging drinks at someone's house - fine to just have a few people, but keep it quiet so people don't feel excluded. If one mum wants to bring an extra she should check with the others. (Who would hopefully say yes). It is not really on for the host to invite 6 other friends who have never met the original ones at the same time though.

What you mean here is ‘been made worse... FOR YOU’. I am all up for being inclusive, and no I am not ‘confused’. Earlier you did say that if a friend said they were doing something you might say ‘oh that sounds fun’ then wait patiently for your invite and feel awkward if it does not appear. Maybe that other friend wanted a private chat with the third friend? Maybe they prefer a smaller group dynamic?

I understand you perfectly, but please try and understand that sometimes, yes even in a public place, two or do people may want to be just that. It’s not cliquey in the slightest.

I stand by saying that it’s horrible and cliquey to think you can decide that someone is not allowed to come to a public place, and spend time with a group of people just because it makes one person feel ‘awkward’

It's only "horrible and cliquey" to exclude someone if they would naturally have been part of that group. If your extra random friend doesn't know any of the people going, it's absolutely fine not to invite them along. If my close friend tells me she is going to the zoo with some of her other friends one day I am definitely not offended to not be invited. (I would feel very odd to try and angle for an invite in the way Holly suggested! But if she were to invite me I would happily go. If I arrange a zoo trip with a group of close friends I would think it rude if one of them brought others along without saying anything, although if they had someone specific they want to include that would be fine by me. If it's a case of going to a cafe straight from nursery pick up then it should be open to all.

@Moulesvinrouge1

What you mean here is ‘been made worse... FOR YOU’. I am all up for being inclusive, and no I am not ‘confused’. Earlier you did say that if a friend said they were doing something you might say ‘oh that sounds fun’ then wait patiently for your invite and feel awkward if it does not appear. Maybe that other friend wanted a private chat with the third friend? Maybe they prefer a smaller group dynamic?

I understand you perfectly, but please try and understand that sometimes, yes even in a public place, two or do people may want to be just that. It’s not cliquey in the slightest.

Yes, as I said I can’t think of a situation that has been made worse FOR ME through a friend of mine inviting another friend along. I’ve never sat there stewing and wishing they hadn’t invited them. If my friend turned up and said ‘oh I hope you don’t mind I’ve asked Sandra to join us as she was at a bit of a loose end’, I would say ‘of course not! The more the merrier’. Surely that’s just kind and inclusive??

Yes I understand it doesn’t bother you. And it doesn’t bother me either to have another person invited along but what I’m saying is that not everyone feels like that, and one persons need to feel ‘included’ (in an event at which they might not naturally have been invited, as a previous poster explained’ does not trump the original groups wishes to have the meet up they originally planned.
I have a friend who has a busy abs stressful job where she is constantly ‘on’. If I brought a new person to a meet up with her, she would be incredibly polite but I know it would be wearing for her as she couldn’t just relax in our usual dynamic. Yes the friend who was invited along might feel ‘included’ but might also be aware enough to notice my tired friend who just wanted her close friend to herself (and yes, that meeting could even be at soft play!) And my tired friend would likely be okay with it, but in some level put out that get company was not considered enough.

@Moulesvinrouge1

Yes I understand it doesn’t bother you. And it doesn’t bother me either to have another person invited along but what I’m saying is that not everyone feels like that, and one persons need to feel ‘included’ (in an event at which they might not naturally have been invited, as a previous poster explained’ does not trump the original groups wishes to have the meet up they originally planned. I have a friend who has a busy abs stressful job where she is constantly ‘on’. If I brought a new person to a meet up with her, she would be incredibly polite but I know it would be wearing for her as she couldn’t just relax in our usual dynamic. Yes the friend who was invited along might feel ‘included’ but might also be aware enough to notice my tired friend who just wanted her close friend to herself (and yes, that meeting could even be at soft play!) And my tired friend would likely be okay with it, but in some level put out that get company was not considered enough.

Is it me or is it all getting a bit silly now ? All these imaginary people and imaginary scenarios, which appears now to have culminated in two women meeting in the middle of a soft play venue to have a private heart to heart about one persons busy and stressful job?! The original OP was about mums meeting at soft play and one mum inviting an extra mum along. I voted YABU then and I’ve not changed my mind. I think it’s probably best left there as it is gone 11 at night and quite frankly at my age, I need my beauty sleep!