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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to groan inwardly every time an extrovert says ‘the more the merrier’?

129 replies

PromisingMiddleagedWoman · 29/04/2021 20:05

Just that really. I tend towards being an introvert (though not to an extreme I don’t think) and really enjoy meeting up with one, two, maybe three friends at a time. I find groups of this size manageable and the conversation flows well.

In groups bigger than this I tend to struggle and to automatically go into ‘listening mode’ rather than joining in the conversation properly. Totally my issue I know. But I do get frustrated when I arrange to meet a couple of NCT friends at a soft play for example (pre Covid!) and when we get there one of them has invited a few other mums she knows through nursery. She then blithely says ‘the more the merrier!’ and there’s (to me anyway) awkward conversations as the two groups don’t really gel, and people can’t have the conversations they really want to have as that would exclude some people.

And you can’t object to ‘the more the merrier’ without coming across as though you don’t like the other people who have been added! Plus it’s genuinely not a case of me not liking the additional people, more that for me it negatively affects the group dynamics.

Of course there are social gatherings that are large and that’s absolutely fine, as long as I know that’s going to be the case. If I’m going to a party or a wedding or whatever I can mentally prepare for it, and though I find it hard work and pretty tiring I usually enjoy them.

I guess my gripe is when it doesn’t even cross the mind of extroverted friends to think that inviting additional people to a small meet-up can affect introverted people in this way. Do any other introverts ever feel like this?

OP posts:

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 30/04/2021 12:00

I also don’t get this labelling of people as introverts or extroverts. I have no idea what I would be classed as. I like company sometimes. I also like being on my own sometimes.

LilMidge01 · 30/04/2021 12:02

@traumatisednoodle

If it's a soft play (so a public space) then of course YABU, you can't exclude people from public spaces. If she invited random strangers to your house for lunch then yes of course. If you want some one on one time you don't go to soft play/ playground/ baby groups - surely you go to each other's homes ?

Agree with this completely . If you had arranged a private quiet catch up and chat over tea somewhere then she should ask before inviting others...meeting up at soft play? YABU!!!

LilMidge01 · 30/04/2021 12:11

Also it does seem like you're using "introvert" as a cover for being a bit of mean girl...sorry but it comes across cliquey and I think you know that which is why you've tried to present it as yourself the victim with the self diagnosed condition of "introvert " (if you actually had severe anxiety or something that's different and I'm sure your friends would be aware of it)

FlyNow · 30/04/2021 12:18

It also means I've ticked that person off my mental list so don't have to see them again until I've filled my mental quota of people I ought to see.

This is exactly why me and others hate it. You often get a feeling the inviter is happy to have saved time getting all their socialising for the week/month /whatever over and done with. With absolutely no thought as to whether the event will be enjoyable for everyone. When I see someone is doing that I just think "if you are that pressed for time and/or lazy, skip seeing me... I'm not that desperate for your company!"

Everyday21 · 30/04/2021 12:29

Yanbu op. I hate when my friends does this. Yes I may know who the person is who shes invited but I dont want to sit and make small talk with them

Annoys me more for my dd. My friend will invite along someone else with kids and my dd gets left out. Shes not unsociable and gets on so well with my friends child but my friends child likes to play with one person and it's always my dd that gets left out

Moulesvinrouge1 · 30/04/2021 12:30

@FlyNow

It also means I've ticked that person off my mental list so don't have to see them again until I've filled my mental quota of people I ought to see.

I really agree with this. I love big groups and find them really fun, love meeting new people. But it’s not always ok to just bring a random. Maybe I’d love to meet them another time, in a smaller group or that’s just not the day for it. Either way it’s always best to check! I have a friend who used to come and stay with me for a weekend and would just bring along another pal with her, I’d find out when I met them at the train station. I never minded, but I did used to feel a bit like I was providing a service in order for her to see everyone.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 30/04/2021 12:39

I have a friend who used to come and stay with me for a weekend and would just bring along another pal with her, I’d find out when I met them at the train station. I never minded, but I did used to feel a bit like I was providing a service in order for her to see everyone

Inviting someone to stay at someone else’s house for a weekend without asking the host is in a completely different league to inviting someone to a group meeting at soft play though.

Porcupineintherough · 30/04/2021 12:43

In the situation you describe I font really see what else she could have done. Flounce? Sulk? Your friend didn't create the situation, she just made the best of it.

Porcupineintherough · 30/04/2021 12:44

Ah, ignore me OP. Totally misread

wigglerose · 30/04/2021 12:48

I'm an extrovert and it winds me up. I arranged to meet a friend who.was also on mat leave. Friend A wanted to invite someone else. Someone else is working so we had to meet on a weekend now and the someone else was busy for the next few weeks then so was my friend so our quick coffee and catch up was delayed for 6 weeks....

Aaaaaaaah!

wigglerose · 30/04/2021 12:54

For people wondering what introvert/extrovert means. Imagine you've had a long, tiring week. It's Friday and you're looking to recharge your batteries. If you a) only want to spend time on your own you're an introvert. If you b) want to make plans to see someone else (doing anything. It could be a quiet natter it could be clubbing with 30 friends) you're an extrovert.

Ellpellwood · 30/04/2021 12:55

It's not about introverts/extroverts for me. Or cliques! It depends entirely on how and why I met a friend and the context of the meeting.
When I first met my NCT group they were all surface acquaintances and it really was the more the merrier but I'm now close to 3 out of the 7, 3 years later. If one of them asked me to meet up in the park I wouldn't round up all the others plus my neighbour to join without asking them first.

My best friend lives 300 miles away and we see each other once a year for a weekend. I don't invite a random friend to come round and eat with us, and neither would she, even if they have indentical interests.

Wanderlust20 · 30/04/2021 12:57

I agree, I like to have proper conversations 1 on 1 with folk or in small groups. I actually think it's very rude to just turn up with more folk in tow! For example, what if you had arranged to meet with close friends as you needed to offload/share a problem that was particularly sensitive and someone just turned up with a random?!

I would always ask my friends first if I could bring along someone but maybe that's just me...

NotFrozen · 30/04/2021 12:58

OP I can see how this could be annoying if it happens all the time, but it can be unhealthy always to be insular.

I am naturally introverted but probably present as an extrovert because I’ve had to work hard to make friends, having lived in various different countries. I don’t have the luxury of falling back on the same group of friends that I’ve always known.

I’ve been that unwelcome ‘tag on’ invitee countless times, trying to make conversation with others who obviously wish I wasn’t there. Most people I meet are socially lazy and I now assume that it will be up to me to put in the effort. I am so grateful for those who are socially inclusive and willing to let others in to their group.

Weirdly I’ve noticed it takes about three interactions for most people to warm up. So on the first 2-3 interactions I will have to do all the legwork. Then after the fourth interaction the person who was previously unfriendly suddenly will become chatty and open!

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 30/04/2021 13:03

@wigglerose

It isn’t that cut and dry though. Some weeks I might want to do one, other weeks something else. People like to put themselves in boxes, but we rarely fit in neatly defined boxes. Interestingly I have done Myers Briggs twice. At 24 I was apparently an extrovert, at 33 an introvert 🤷🏻‍♀️

bluebluezoo · 30/04/2021 13:06

I’m an introvert, and I completely disagree!

I will always say the more the merrier. To start with because I’m an introvert I know how hard it is to break into friendship groups. Also when a group meet up, if you aren’t invited it can send me into an introvert spiral where I think because I’m quiet and not outgoing they don’t want me around.

Also if there’s a big group it’s easier to do the small talk of how are you, what do you do, several times rather than have to think of things to talk about.

So I have absolutely no problem with people being added. Also the fact that I don’t get on with everyone, means the more people the more chance I have of finding new friends I have things in common with!

Moulesvinrouge1 · 30/04/2021 13:07

@TheOneWithTheBigNose

Inviting someone to stay at someone else’s house for a weekend without asking the host is in a completely different league to inviting someone to a group meeting at soft play though.

Oh totally, l agree. Just giving an example of that’s how far some people take ‘cramming in the socialising’. I always had fun abs made lots of new friends, but it never even occurred to my friend to check with me first, bless her.

workwoes123 · 30/04/2021 13:33

YANBU OP but you are wrong to think it's an introvert / extrovert thing. I'm a textbook extrovert and I'm still pretty picky about who I socialise with. I've got a good friend (who is an introvert) who tends to add people / families to events that she is hosting. So we'll turn up for lunch and a day hanging out with her family to find that she's invited at least another 2 families. Hate it. I think she's trying to get all the events done at once and she reckons that if there are lots of people there, then she can step back and it's actually less intense for her than a one-to-one.

TiredSloth · 30/04/2021 13:43

I absolutely hate this. I know it’s my own issue but I am extremely socially anxious and if I’ve arranged to meet a friend and they bring someone else along then it sends me into an internal panic. I have no idea how to talk to people (I suspect I have more going on but no diagnosis) and so I just shut down around people and end up just nodding along to the conversation feeling very sad that I was hoping to have a catch up with a friend. All the friends I have are people I’ve spent long periods of time with (school, office etc) and I am not someone who makes friends easily.

I’m very aware that people must think I’m stand offish or rude (which makes me feel even worse!) but I absolutely hate ‘the more the merrier’. I just wish a friend would tell me so I have the option to not go.

motherloaded · 30/04/2021 14:07

YABU

It's not about inviting anyone and everyone - the school gate thread was about inviting people you don't know!

but there's a context. If you are invited for a cup of tea, or arranged to meet for diner somewhere, then it's rude.

If you are in a soft play or a public park, then it's normal to ask people to join you. No one is going to these places as a social event, you make the most while having to take your kids there.

Strangebrew · 30/04/2021 14:11

I find myself very torn with this. On the one hand when my children were young if it was a play date at softplay or the park, then I was less bothered by people I didn't know also coming along. Mostly I think because I had something in common to talk about, and my focus was generally on my children anyway.

On the other hand I really found it awkward when I would arrange to meet up with a friend for drinks or a meal only to find she had invited other friends or siblings without telling me. It changed the dynamic from relaxing with someone you know well to an evening of stilted conversation, which no one but my friend enjoyed.

OwlBeThere · 30/04/2021 17:40

@Holly60 again it’s not ‘histrionics’ (horribly misogynistic word anyway) it’s explaining how what you might perceive as someone feeling a bit awkward is much harder than that for some. You seem to feel empathy for people feeling alone, but not empathy for those who struggle socially: I wonder why that is.
My friends have no idea how badly that kind of thing can affect me, but they DO realise that running inviting other people past those already invited is helpful for me.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/04/2021 17:50

Have you made your feelings known?

I'm an extrovert. One of my closest friends is an introvert and also has social anxiety. She is very clear about this and hates large gatherings. When I meet up with her I would not invite anyone else along.

I'm not a mind reader. I prefer it when people tell me how they feel so I know how to handle the situation.

littlepattilou · 30/04/2021 18:42

@NotFrozen

OP I can see how this could be annoying if it happens all the time, but it can be unhealthy always to be insular.

Says who? Who are you to say how people should behave, and who they should socialise with?

littlepattilou · 30/04/2021 18:42

@blueshoes

I think people who try to bring 2 or more unrelated friends or groups of people together are consciously or unconsciously trying to set themselves up as the centre of attention because they become the lynchpin and only person to go between the 2 groups.

This. I think it is people who want to be the centre of attention who do this 'the more the merrier' bullshit, and invite all and sundry to the coffee meeting they were having with just you.

@Feelingconfused2020

I meet up with different friends on different days at different times. Making them all meet up together when they don't know each other at one venue at one time is not kind and thoughtful, it's lazy. You get to be the one who says, "the more the merrier" while not giving up any additional time.

This too. ^ It IS lazy. In addition, it's really rude and thoughtless and selfish to invite other people along when the person you were meeting thought they were just meeting you.

There is nothing cliquey about it. Some people don't want people forced on them. And as some people have said, it changes the dynamic, and makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable. Some people on this thread and very ignorant and thoughtless, with how they can't be arsed to even CONSIDER that people are different to them!

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