AIBU to groan inwardly every time an extrovert says ‘the more the merrier’?

[PromisingMiddleagedWoman]

Just that really. I tend towards being an introvert (though not to an extreme I don’t think) and really enjoy meeting up with one, two, maybe three friends at a time. I find groups of this size manageable and the conversation flows well.

In groups bigger than this I tend to struggle and to automatically go into ‘listening mode’ rather than joining in the conversation properly. Totally my issue I know. But I do get frustrated when I arrange to meet a couple of NCT friends at a soft play for example (pre Covid!) and when we get there one of them has invited a few other mums she knows through nursery. She then blithely says ‘the more the merrier!’ and there’s (to me anyway) awkward conversations as the two groups don’t really gel, and people can’t have the conversations they really want to have as that would exclude some people.

And you can’t object to ‘the more the merrier’ without coming across as though you don’t like the other people who have been added! Plus it’s genuinely not a case of me not liking the additional people, more that for me it negatively affects the group dynamics.

Of course there are social gatherings that are large and that’s absolutely fine, as long as I know that’s going to be the case. If I’m going to a party or a wedding or whatever I can mentally prepare for it, and though I find it hard work and pretty tiring I usually enjoy them.

I guess my gripe is when it doesn’t even cross the mind of extroverted friends to think that inviting additional people to a small meet-up can affect introverted people in this way. Do any other introverts ever feel like this?

But the situation the OP was describing is completely different. She'd arranged to meet a group of NCT friends, one of them decided to invite an entirely different friendship group along. It wasn't a case of, 'oh do you mind if I invite X as she'd really enjoy this too / I think you'd hit it off'. The latter I'd be completely fine with.

I am an introvert, and I’m also profoundly deaf, and I rely about 80% on lipreading. I find small groups of 4 people are about my limit of understanding, more than that and I find it always gets split into 2 groups and I struggle to hear over other conversations. Friends I’ve had are not understanding that I struggle with hearing, especially with new people because they might have an accent/beard/non existing top lip or just be plain difficult to understand, (unfortunately Asian accents are particularly difficult for me, and unless I know the person really well, I’ve got no chance) and a lot think like the majority of extroverts ‘the more the merrier’ whereas I’m dying inside thinking, ‘oh god what a nightmare how am I going to be able to have any kind of conversation when there is that many people!’, mainly because people tend to talk over on another it is particularly difficult for me. Please consider that when someone invites you one on one or in a small group, there might be a very good reason for that, it may not be deafness, it could be that persons social anxiety, or that they just feel more comfortable in small groups. I’m not saying don’t invite people, but maybe ask the person if they’d be comfortable first?

I'm as extroverted as they come but if I arrange to see a group, I want to see them, not the acquaintances they've brought along. If it's close friends inviting their friends to hang out in the park then cool, but it used to drive me nuts on nights out when friends would insist on trying to make best pals with random groups of boring drunkards and I would just think, we came out to have fun together, why would I want to spend this time with someone I don't know and will probably never see again? I then somehow got a reputation as shy, I'm not remotely shy, I'm just not willing to fake interest in someone who has been pushed on me.

I’m fairly introverted. (I’m not shy, or socially anxious, I’m confident and out going, but I find company tiring and enjoy being on my own a lot.). I hate the-more-the-merrier because I adore my friends, but don’t have time for any more, I just want to see my friends. Mostly my friends laugh at me, because I don’t really like people very much, but they also know not to bring random people along when we meet up.

@Pedalpushers That reminds me so much of one of my best friends from university. She was absolutely lovely but every night out somehow ended up with her befriending the drunkest, loudest, most annoying person in the place. I don’t even know how she did it, but god it was frustrating.

One of my closest friends is terrible for this - arrange to meet her for lunch and she'll announce half an hour beforehand 'oh I invited vague acquaintance that you met once at a party three years ago, thought it would be great to get together!'. Erm, thanks but I'll go home now. With her I often feel like she has too many friends and wants to shoehorn them in together to save time, and she also just can't understand that some people don't like chatting to strangers.

Nothing to do with extrovert vs introvert. Just general self-absorption and/or lack of social graces!

I like big groups when I’m not in a talkative mood so I can go with the flow. Equally if I’ve invited a couple of close friends for some girly gossip I’d be very pissed off if people showed up uninvited . Thankfully most of my friends are sensible and don’t bring people without asking .

Of course if I know the group (e.g regular Friday night drinks) it’s a free for all. But it’s just good manners to ask if unsure

If it’s a party or festival I’m definitely up for the more the merrier, but I can’t stand friends bringing extra people when it’s a small established group who mutually support one another. Unless there are special circumstances.

@Holly60 it’s not always just ‘a bit awkward’ though for someone introverted or socially awkward, it can be full on panic attack inducing and terrifying. If I know lots of people are coming who I don’t know, then I will very likely make the decision not to go and see my friend(s) another time, I understand some people like that kind of gathering and I’m glad they’re going to have a nice time, but please don’t minimise other peoples anxiety attacks as a bit awkward and unnecessary.

@Bluntness100 it’s not about being cliquey, it’s about really really struggling in a large group, especially when you’re not expecting it. I would never think a friend who invited a bunch of others was a bad friend or trying to upset me, just that they don’t understand how stressful and genuinely scary that kind of situation can be for some of us,

@Bluntness100

This thread is literally the living embodiment of why cliques exist.

What I don’t get is the same posters will pop on here and say “god yes I hate it” and then pop over to the school mum thread and say “ I’ve no idea why they don’t invite everyone, how rude are rhey”.

I would NEVER be that person. I’m quite happy to not be invited to school mum stuff.

According to friends and colleagues, I come across as highly extroverted - I'll start a conversation with anyone who stands still long enough, I'm usually the first to welcome someone new into the group, putting them at ease, all that.

However, I'm very easily worn out by constantly being around people. Any "the more the merrier" scenario fills me with dread. It honestly baffles me sometimes, how I can be incredibly sociable one minute, then want to run away screaming the next minute because TOO MANY PEOPLE.

This is a really interesting thread, I'm hoping to learn something about myself here!

[quote OwlBeThere]@Holly60 it’s not always just ‘a bit awkward’ though for someone introverted or socially awkward, it can be full on panic attack inducing and terrifying. If I know lots of people are coming who I don’t know, then I will very likely make the decision not to go and see my friend(s) another time, I understand some people like that kind of gathering and I’m glad they’re going to have a nice time, but please don’t minimise other peoples anxiety attacks as a bit awkward and unnecessary.[/quote]
Oh for goodness sake. The OP mentioned finding it awkward which is what I was referring to. No need for the histrionics. I’m sure if you really have such an extreme reaction, your friends are aware of this and act accordingly.

On reflection I’m not sure it is always an introvert / extrovert issue. One to one time with a friend can be a joy as conversations can go deeper. You can trust one another if sharing new plans, if struggling with something or even just airing controversial subjects. If extra people are present it can keep the conversation at a more superficial level and whilst it is sometimes nice to get to know new people, it can be frustrating if you were expecting some quality 1:1 time.

I'm introverted but for soft play I thought of it as for children and did do a bit of the more the merrier. A sit down cafe for kids is more if a challenge to me so I went with one other parent at that point.

Because I've been the parent pleased at an invitation for me and my child.

My best friend is very much a social butterfly and TMTM about all events. I'm not, I do love her company and that of our other friends but I don't want randoms I don't know coming along on our precious night out.

I made it clear years ago that her invitations to me had to be honest. If it was a general meet up then fine, I can decide to come or not. If its the two of us catching up then no inviting extras. Suits us, and has worked fine all these years.

What I won't accept is 'what are you doing next Tuesday?' to make me admit I'm free before telling me it's a tupperware party in her local church hall.

@Chocoqueen

But the situation the OP was describing is completely different. She'd arranged to meet a group of NCT friends, one of them decided to invite an entirely different friendship group along. It wasn't a case of, 'oh do you mind if I invite X as she'd really enjoy this too / I think you'd hit it off'. The latter I'd be completely fine with.

Exactly! This isn't a situation which would otherwise mean always leaving someone out who's a bit lonely, new to the area at the school gates. This is someone inviting an entire different friendship group.

It's really rude not to ask the people who you've originally arranged to meet whether they'd be happy with you inviting all and sundry. If you don't like them enough to spend time with just them, then don't go.

There are times for 'the more the merrier' but those times are when it's known that it's a mixing occasion, not a meet between friends that is suddenly diluted.

I'm not cliquey, I'm quite happy to meet new people, but if I had a plan with friends and they brought a bunch of people who are strangers to me along I'd be very annoyed - I now won't have as much interaction with the friend responsible for the new people because their attention is split across all these new people and there might be personal conversations I wanted to have with them which are now innappropriate for the wider group. Also, there is a big difference from adding one new person such as a new joiner who is making connections and bringing along a whole group to take o ver.

I also think 'the more the merrier' applies best when everybody knows that and is bringing new people in or the people added are genuinely known to everybody in the original group (and on an equal level, like a group of colleages, not people one person is friends with but the others met once) - in more the merrier I get to bring my other friends along too, not just get somebody elses dropped on me.

@Bluntness100

This thread is literally the living embodiment of why cliques exist.

What I don’t get is the same posters will pop on here and say “god yes I hate it” and then pop over to the school mum thread and say “ I’ve no idea why they don’t invite everyone, how rude are rhey”.

Ha, fair point!

Yes exactly, if its more the merrier then I can bring an extra too.

This applies times a million if it's their male partner. Fine, if we're doing partners we can all bring partners. Don't expect me to be part of a fawning girl group to your current bf.

There's some situations where I realise it would be completely inappropriate to bring along randoms - to someone else's house, to someone else's birthday party. To an old friends catch-up. But as this situation described soft play, I'd not really consider it inappropriate to invite another mum along who maybe needed an 'in' with a group of friends. Thinking of people who want to join the group (like other mums of kids in the same class) rather than trying to manage my social calendar by forcing 2 groups together who have nothing in common and no reason to ever meet again.

@Holly60

And yes if my friend said oh ‘I’m going to such and such’ (in a public place) and I replied ‘oh that sounds interesting’, followed by an awkward silence, I would feel a bit left out!

Surely you can see that it’s not always appropriate to invite yourself along? If I’ve arranged to meet a friend and her kids at soft play, as maybe I nearly need a chat with a close pal over coffee or she does while the kids run around that dynamic is changed if some random person comes along. It’s not the feelings of one vs the feelings of many - coffee at soft play is not communism

I’m a more the merrier type but only if the group all know each other. I wouldn’t arrange to meet two friends from one group and bring along another person they don’t know. I have a friend who brought along someone I barely knew to my hen do. She was lovely but it was a bit wtf.

Soft play is trickier as you’re there for the DCs.

Maybe next time someone objects to others coming as it ruins your clique you maybe think of those who are glad of the invite

This. I had my first child in an area where I didn’t know anyone (moved there from abroad when I was 6 months pregnant). I was so grateful when people I met at groups etc invited me along to prearranged meetings with their other friends and children, it made me so much less lonely.