Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to groan inwardly every time an extrovert says ‘the more the merrier’?

129 replies

PromisingMiddleagedWoman · 29/04/2021 20:05

Just that really. I tend towards being an introvert (though not to an extreme I don’t think) and really enjoy meeting up with one, two, maybe three friends at a time. I find groups of this size manageable and the conversation flows well.

In groups bigger than this I tend to struggle and to automatically go into ‘listening mode’ rather than joining in the conversation properly. Totally my issue I know. But I do get frustrated when I arrange to meet a couple of NCT friends at a soft play for example (pre Covid!) and when we get there one of them has invited a few other mums she knows through nursery. She then blithely says ‘the more the merrier!’ and there’s (to me anyway) awkward conversations as the two groups don’t really gel, and people can’t have the conversations they really want to have as that would exclude some people.

And you can’t object to ‘the more the merrier’ without coming across as though you don’t like the other people who have been added! Plus it’s genuinely not a case of me not liking the additional people, more that for me it negatively affects the group dynamics.

Of course there are social gatherings that are large and that’s absolutely fine, as long as I know that’s going to be the case. If I’m going to a party or a wedding or whatever I can mentally prepare for it, and though I find it hard work and pretty tiring I usually enjoy them.

I guess my gripe is when it doesn’t even cross the mind of extroverted friends to think that inviting additional people to a small meet-up can affect introverted people in this way. Do any other introverts ever feel like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
PromisingMiddleagedWoman · 29/04/2021 21:14

@CoRhona that would be a massive coincidence, not to mention reeaallly awkward

OP posts:
Pinkpaisley · 29/04/2021 21:19

@corhona

So when someone does this I should basically take this to mean I’m not worth socializing with?

BetterKateThanNever · 29/04/2021 21:21

I'm an extrovert and don't like big groups or new arrivals to a small group when meeting up. Maybe 'extrovert' isn't the term for someone who changes the dynamic like that- perhaps they're just oblivious to the idea that others wouldn't like to add new people to a group.

Holly60 · 29/04/2021 21:28

@Bluntness100

This thread is the opposite of the ones of “I’m so lonely and no one asks me anywhere, I see them all go out and they don’t think to invite me”

Maybe next time someone objects to others coming as it ruins your clique you maybe think of those who are glad of the invite.

Totally agree
CoRhona · 29/04/2021 21:30

[quote PromisingMiddleagedWoman]@CoRhona that would be a massive coincidence, not to mention reeaallly awkward[/quote]
GrinGrinGrin

Holly60 · 29/04/2021 21:31

@BetterKateThanNever

I'm an extrovert and don't like big groups or new arrivals to a small group when meeting up. Maybe 'extrovert' isn't the term for someone who changes the dynamic like that- perhaps they're just oblivious to the idea that others wouldn't like to add new people to a group.
But you yourself must have been a new arrival at some point? What if you’d never been invited anywhere because you hadn’t been there before??
Confusedandshaken · 29/04/2021 21:31

I'm super introverted but if I'm already committed to having people over or visiting them I'm all for 'the more the merrier'. Meeting more than 3 or 4 people exhausts me so adding one other person to a group doesn't make much difference. If they add to the general atmosphere and merriment it's even better as it takes the pressure off me to be on form and entertain. It also means I've ticked that person off my mental list so don't have to see them again until I've filled my mental quota of people I ought to see.

Chocoqueen · 29/04/2021 21:33

@Holly60

And yes if my friend said oh ‘I’m going to such and such’ (in a public place) and I replied ‘oh that sounds interesting’, followed by an awkward silence, I would feel a bit left out!
Interesting, if my friend mentioned she was doing something with people I didn't know I wouldn't think twice. I'd hate to think I was invited somewhere out of awkwardness.

I'm with you OP - but luckily most of my friends are the same re mixing groups (except one, but it's always preplanned).

Chocoqueen · 29/04/2021 21:33

@CoRhona

As an extrovert, if I say 'the more the merrier' while gaily inviting all and sundry, it means I don't get decent conversation from current company!
If you don't think you're going to get decent company why would you go in the first place?
LolaO · 29/04/2021 21:41

Interesting - food for thought for me as I am very extroverted and would totally think the more the merrier. Now second guessing whether I have inadvertently and obliviously pissed off people Confused something for me to be more aware of I guess.

In fairness I think most people doing this mean well. I am an extrovert therefore I genuinely like people, meeting new people, being around people, interaction, company. Because I like people I want them to feel happy and relaxed so would feel crappy if I had made a friend feel bad. And FWIW my intention would have been genuinely good (“I really like person x and person y! If I like both of them I bet they’ll like each other and it will be even more fun!”)

Original poster
PromisingMiddleagedWoman · 29/04/2021 21:57

@LolaO The thing is - I completely agree with everything you’ve said! Logically it makes so much sense. And I would never hold it against anyone doing this as they do genuinely mean well. Which is no doubt why I’m having a little moan on an anonymous online forum rather than in real life!

OP posts:
DontBeRidiculous · 29/04/2021 21:59

I think it can be a bit rude to invite people without consulting the original group of people who were planning to get together. It does change things, and not everyone is always up for a larger gathering without warning. It seems especially tone deaf if it was meant to be a very small group and the person increasing the numbers isn't the one who organised or suggested the gathering. If someone consistently invited more people, I'd start to wonder if they found me boring.

That said, even though I'm an introvert and may not speak up as much in a larger group, I can definitely understand the feeling of being more stressed in very small groups, depending on who the other people are. There's more pressure to carry your end of the conversation when there are only 2 or 3 (unless it's someone who's happy to chatter while you just listen), and people are usually more likely to bring up personal subjects and ask private questions when they're in small groups. I hate being put on the spot with that kind of heavy conversation!

Hellomylove · 29/04/2021 22:05

YANBU OP. It pisses me right off.

It totally changes the dynamic of the trip/outing. Mutual friend of both groups ends up as a bit of a go between and you end up feeling a bit like a spare part. Groups of mums all from a particular nursery will be chatting about that no doubt so you don’t get much of a look in conversation wise.

Hellomylove · 29/04/2021 22:07

@CoRhona that’s a very arrogant thing to say. Maybbe if people do it to you they don’t think you’re much company either?!

littlepattilou · 29/04/2021 22:10

@PromisingMiddleagedWoman YANBU. Does my head in. They are the same kind of annoying git who arranges to meet you for coffee, or an evening out, and brings someone else along. Because 'the more the fucking merrier!' Hmm

The ones who do it stand out a mile on this thread.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 22:13

This thread is literally the living embodiment of why cliques exist.

What I don’t get is the same posters will pop on here and say “god yes I hate it” and then pop over to the school mum thread and say “ I’ve no idea why they don’t invite everyone, how rude are rhey”.

Holly60 · 29/04/2021 22:13

@Chocoqueen I think everyone would hate to feel they’d only been invited somewhere out of awkwardness. That’s why I always try to make people feel as welcome as possible with ‘the more the merrier’. I totally understand there are circumstances where it would be inappropriate to invite extra friends along, but the OP was definitely about extra people coming to a public venue. No one has the right to dictate who turns up to something like that.

Holly60 · 29/04/2021 22:15

@Bluntness100

This thread is literally the living embodiment of why cliques exist.

What I don’t get is the same posters will pop on here and say “god yes I hate it” and then pop over to the school mum thread and say “ I’ve no idea why they don’t invite everyone, how rude are rhey”.

Yep!
Tangledtresses · 29/04/2021 22:20

I'm definitely a more the merrier person!
I hate being drowned/ dragged down by one person who invariably wants it to be just about them 🧐 boring
I love people talking and inviting everyone... so everyone feels included despite their social fears

Kolo · 29/04/2021 22:21

@Bluntness100

This thread is the opposite of the ones of “I’m so lonely and no one asks me anywhere, I see them all go out and they don’t think to invite me”

Maybe next time someone objects to others coming as it ruins your clique you maybe think of those who are glad of the invite.

I was thinking this. There was a 'school pick-up mum clique' thread yesterday, wasn't there? So now I know: if I'm at the school gates and don't invite every other mum there to the park, I'm part of a bitchy mum clique, but if I invite anyone else, I'm thoughtless, insensitive, rude, spoiling the group dynamic.

Fwiw I'm more on the 'more the merrier' side. I've been the mum who doesn't know anyone, desperately trying to make friends and get involved. If I see a woman who I feel is in that position, I go out of my way to try to invite them to things, because I'm grateful some of my current friends did that 10 years ago.

Andylion · 29/04/2021 22:23

@Holly60

And yes if my friend said oh ‘I’m going to such and such’ (in a public place) and I replied ‘oh that sounds interesting’, followed by an awkward silence, I would feel a bit left out!
And if I were the friend your friend was meeting I would not be thrilled that you had possibly guilted our mutual friend into inviting you.
blueshoes · 29/04/2021 22:23

I think people who try to bring 2 or more unrelated friends or groups of people together are consciously or unconsciously trying to set themselves up as the centre of attention because they become the lynchpin and only person to go between the 2 groups.

I have declined my wildly extroverted friend from long ago when she has invited me to her birthday parties that have her more recent groupings and I stand out as the only one who know her from so long ago and have nothing in common with her new friends and colleagues. She was a little surprised but understands I don't enjoy that kind of random conversation with strangers. Same with alumni meet ups - she loves them and will turn up to see who she will bump into.

ImInStealthMode · 29/04/2021 22:24

In most circumstances I'm a 'more the merrier' person and welcome extra tag-alongs as I remember well the feeling when I was single and lonely of wanting company desperately and then seeing friends out and about all over on social media. It feels sad to have to ask to be invited, but even sadder that they haven't thought to ask themselves.

That said, if the original numbers are small or I know there's sensitive stuff to be discussed I would always check before inviting anyone new to the dynamic, and I be a bit Hmm if someone invited a newbie without asking me.

We're complex creatures when it comes to social situations. I would (if I could) happily go to the pub with 40 assorted friends and/or randoms tomorrow night, but going to people's houses for the first time makes me extremely anxious no matter the circumstances.

maddening · 29/04/2021 22:29

I am neither introvert or extrovert, I do prefer a smaller group of friends but I hate to leave people out so if in a position where someone would naturally expect to belong with the group and are aware of the gathering and there is no reasonable reason to exclude them then I might say this.

Feelingconfused2020 · 29/04/2021 22:39

When I invite extra people to a non-exclusive venue it’s because I think they will enjoy it and I don’t want them to feel left out/lonely/on their own.

I meet up with different friends on different days at different times. Making them all meet up together when they don't know each other at one venue at one time is not kind and thoughtful, it's lazy. You get to be the one who says, "the more the merrier" while not giving up any additional time.

That doesn't mean it's always wrong to invite additional people, of course if you have a friend who is genuinely alone and you feel they'd get on with the group you are meeting that's not rude but merging one group and another to avoid the hassle of meeting them in different days is rude and lazy.