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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fuming - in laws

433 replies

I8toys · 29/04/2021 13:38

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
BillyTodd · 29/04/2021 16:19

[quote Kangaroobill]@BillyTodd my mind is blown. I’m a guess culture person and sometimes think askers are rude but this explains it all!![/quote]
Ha ha it's a really useful model isn't it? I can't take the credit - it did the rounds on facebook not long ago.

HeronLanyon · 29/04/2021 16:19

billytodd powerful and true.

Allwokedup · 29/04/2021 16:20

Yes of course. You don’t like them do you?

BillyTodd · 29/04/2021 16:21

@BillyTodd

To add:

Peoople from ask cultures are much more comfortable with both giving and receiving a "no" than people from guess cultures. They don't add the implied social stuff to it that people from guess cultures, do. People from guess cultures are mortified if they receive a "no" because they think it means that they didn't read the room well enough and should never have asked. People from guess cultures also have to give a "no" (so often say yes when they would rather have meant no) because they want to spare the asker the embarrassment they assume they will feel, when they receive a no.

The last sentence should say people from ask cultures also HATE to give a no...

Oh for an edit button Hmm

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 16:21

I don't not like them. I just don't want them to invade my space. We need to have boundaries.

OP posts:
lmao88 · 29/04/2021 16:22

To be "absolutely fuming" yes definitely an overreaction Hmm

But YANBU to be annoyed.

BillyTodd · 29/04/2021 16:22

Oh FGS. People from a GUESS culture HATE to give a no.

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 16:22

I will not make the cup of tea mistake ever again! Grin

OP posts:
80sMum · 29/04/2021 16:22

Oh dear! Sometimes you just have to be blunt with people, OP. After they'd used the loo, you need to open the front door and say "I'm sorry, I can't stop for a chat, as I'm working today. Bye!". That should get the message across!

GintyMcGinty · 29/04/2021 16:24

Yes YABU

I would have let them in to use the loo then reminded them I am working and invited them to make themselves a cup of tea and help themselves to a snack.

Then go back to work and let them let themselves out when they are done.

namechangemarch21 · 29/04/2021 16:28

OP what you need to do is have your husband phone them tonight, ask how the house hunting went and say 'oh @I8toys is working now, she's having to catch up because she took that time out when you called in - it really is better if you don't call when she's in work'

You also need to talk to them before they move.

As ever, this is a DH problem. The fair thing to do in this situation - to them - is to say 'I think we need to talk before you move about what you're expecting' And then lay things out - you don't think you'll see them more than you do now/or maybe you'll be able to visit once a week but not more/there's no way you'll be able to offer care.

They're making substantial life choices here. I wouldn't be surprised if they floated the idea to your DH of the move and he sounded positive - they may think increasing support from you both is implied.

You need to act NOW. And that means your husband needs to, or you need to have the conversation. But based on the fact you can't even tell them you need them to go when you're working, it really should be your husband.

MunchyCat · 29/04/2021 16:30

[quote I8toys]@MrsClatterbuck - They are nearly 80 and 1 brother who lives a couple of hours away but they could easily move there also.

I said to dh your brother isn't having this issue. That's because they don't like SIL and she disappears when they arrive.[/quote]

So do you think they're moving closer because they want you to do the care/helping in old age?

I'd make it clear to both them and DH how much (or little) you're willing to participate. It sounds like they've taken fuck all interest in your life until now, so I wouldn't be quick to offer too much.

And why do they have a key? Bloody well get that back. Or change the locks.

BlackCatShadow · 29/04/2021 16:30

'oh @I8toys is working now, she's having to catch up because she took that time out when you called in - it really is better if you don't call when she's in work'

I think that's a bit mean. The OP offered them a cup of tea. If she was busy working, she should have just said.

Tianatiers · 29/04/2021 16:32

YANBU and I think they were rude IF your husband definitely told them they wouldn’t be able to come in and they did anyway. If he just said you would be working and expected them to read between the lines that that meant they couldn’t come in then they maybe YABU and they just didn’t pick up on the vague hint. When they asked to use the toilet you could have just said yes that’s fine but I’m really sorry I have to get back to work I’m in the middle of something important but let yourself out when you’re finished. Instead you were very hospitable, offering them tea, and now you’re fuming over it but really that was you decision to let them overstay their welcome.

derxa · 29/04/2021 16:36

Yet another horrible ageist thread

G3ntlemanJ · 29/04/2021 16:38

You are not being unreasonable. Coming in once to use the loo is fine. It's the setting of a precedent that's the problem. This why the phrase "start as you mean to go on" was invented!! Get your dh to have a word and arrange for deliveries to be left somewhere if you can.

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 16:39

I would not ask how the house-hunting is going as a PP suggested, that would seem like you're (your DH) is encouraging them by bringing it up. Unless you start a conversation about their end of life and say DH and you think it would be best if they went to a retirement home (word it better though).

They think you will look after them, and probably expect they will move in with you eventually, OP. That's why they're moving to your area. You really do need to address this with them, the longer you put it off, the more likely they mind find a house in your area in the meantime. You really need to nip this in the bud and now, before they find a home. Even if your DH tells them you're not comfortable with them moving so close. You need to nip this in the bud before they've signed the forms and it's too late.

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 16:41

@derxa

Yet another horrible ageist thread
There is nothing remotely ageist about this thread, don't be daft. This is about the OP's place of work being respected, and her not wanting to be held responsible for her inlaw's care, which we can see now is exactly what they are after and why they won't to move close to them. The OP has the right to feel comfortable and voice her rights.
ItsCokeFFS · 29/04/2021 16:43

@BlackCatShadow

'oh @I8toys is working now, she's having to catch up because she took that time out when you called in - it really is better if you don't call when she's in work'

I think that's a bit mean. The OP offered them a cup of tea. If she was busy working, she should have just said.

From the actual OP I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Why is it mean?
They ignored what they were specifically told.

waitingforthenextseason · 29/04/2021 16:43

@I8toys

I know I am really passive and need to stand up for myself. I will use those tactics next time and try not to be such a walk over. As it will happen again now they've got the idea to move.

They always seem to arrive when dh is not around so I end up having to entertain them which really grates.

You're being a complete doormat.

You don't have to entertain them or let them in; you're working!

Tell them to leave! I have no doubt they wouldn't do this to your DH.

SwedishK · 29/04/2021 16:44

Not helpful, but this is the picture I get in my head when somebody says they are fuming:

Absolutely fuming - in laws
Tulipomania · 29/04/2021 16:44

"Sorry I can't be sociable now, I've got a Zoom meeting starting/urgent report to finish on deadline/ton of emails to deal with. Please let yourselves out/make yourselves a cuppa if you're thirsty then let yourselves out and let's arrange to catch up properly at the weekend."

That's how you do it OP.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/04/2021 16:46

You don’t like them do you?

Someone always makes this point. It isn't relevant. Most people have to go through life being polite to people they privately know they don't particularly like, or sometimes those they actively dislike. That's life. And it's fine. It's also absolutely fine to have boundaries, whether you like the people concerned or not.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 29/04/2021 16:48

Stock judgemental MN response @MarielVanArkleStinks.

cptartapp · 29/04/2021 16:48

Never mind Covid. If they're happy to encroach on you like this during a pandemic, then god help you when they downsize to your area.
Difficult conversations to be had.