Absolutely fuming - in laws

[I8toys]

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

@I8toys

I made them a cup of tea after about 20 minutes just standing around chatting awkwardly. They made no intention to go. I realise it was a fatal error! Have learned for next time.

There's a Chinese proverb, along the lines of:

Never let someone over 60 stay overnight in your house. And never let someone over 70 sit down.

@CokeDrinker

No idea why people have to keep pointing it out.

For the third time:

They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing

From the OP. Ageist from the start.

(That's not to say it's not also about her in-laws over-stepping boundaries - but the ageism is simply unnecessary)

@Tulipomania

"Sorry I can't be sociable now, I've got a Zoom meeting starting/urgent report to finish on deadline/ton of emails to deal with. Please let yourselves out/make yourselves a cuppa if you're thirsty then let yourselves out and let's arrange to catch up properly at the weekend."

That's how you do it OP.

Sorry I can't be sociable now - I am at work. That's why DH told you not to come round.

Much shorter.

I think this: I wonder if they came in for the loo (us oldies sometimes have weak bladders) and then dithered about a bit because they didn’t want to be rude and wee and run? from Holly60 shouldn’t be overlooked.

With the way you handled things, OP you didn’t tell them what you expected while they were there. It sounds to me like they are looking for direction from you and you were waiting on them to tell you how things would happen. All the advice on here about setting your boundaries isn’t simply about ring fencing your own needs, it’s also about communicating to others what you want to have happen. If you’d said, as soon as they’d finished with the loo, that it was lovely to see them but you have to get back to work then they would have had their cue to leave. I know you won’t make the mistake with the cup of tea again but I thought it might be useful for you to think about the whole incident as a reasonable situation where you all just stumbled through miscommunications rather than as a conflict of them pushing and you failing to stand your ground.

That doesn’t mean that so long as you indicate what you want they will always comply in the future, it may be their wants are going to impinge significantly on yours if they move close (or it may be they will respect your boundaries if you let them know what they are). But, as others have said, not everything is a conflict.

Why is it mean?
They ignored what they were specifically told.

At first I thought that, but she did say i.e., don't knock or come in, so maybe she didn't actually say it out loud, just I'm working and they said that's ok we have a flask, but they popped in to use the toilet and she seemed ok chatting and then offered them a cup of tea, so they stayed longer. People aren't mind-readers. If you are busy, you need to say so. If she actually said that she was busy and they are not to knock or come in, that's different.

I don't think you're overreacting. Some people don't treat working from home as real work. They wouldn't wander into your office and expect you to make them tea and chat all day would they?

I would have tried to see it as someone briefly wandering in my office at work for a brief chat and then leaving. Perhaps saying ‘of course use the loo, but please let yourself out as I am busy working, got a let on ‘etc, etc.

1. If they have a key can you get it off them, or change the locks?
2. Make it clear to them that your working hours are eg 8.30 - 5 Monday to Friday and you are not to be disturbed during that time
3. Get a video camera put up by your front door so you know who is at the door, then you can ignore it if it is them
4. If they get past this sytem despite all of your efforts tell them you are busy and you will see them at the weekend, then put your headphones on and close the door behind them

They sound like v entitled and selfish characters if they have not been involved in their grand childrens lives for 18 years and then at the age of 80 want to move nearby ...... and it must be VERY nearby if they need to park in your drive.

You obviously have little respect for them and neither does your SIL if she removes herself and is cold to them.

You reap what you sow in life.

You need to be very clear about this with your DH - is he just a yes man to keep the peace?

Your distress is not about them dropping in - its about them potentially invading your life. You need to deal with this bigger issue.

They can move where ever they like though.

Maybe tell them that you are moving far away to throw them off the scent.....put the house on the market.

[quote BIWI]@CokeDrinker

No idea why people have to keep pointing it out.

For the third time:

They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing

From the OP. Ageist from the start.

(That's not to say it's not also about her in-laws over-stepping boundaries - but the ageism is simply unnecessary)[/quote]
@BIWI Perhaps the OP is simply making the very pertinent point that an 80 year old woman would not have experienced truly working from home (ie deadlines and meetings over the phone/via computer) in the way that the OP has. If someone points out that their great grandmother used a copper pot to do the washing in with a washboard, are they being 'ageist'? No. Of course not! People seem confused as to what 'ageist' is. It is not stating a fact that there are differences between generations which explains the lack of experience and/or understanding of working in 2021. What the OP said was 'matter of fact'. Not, by anyone's rational definition prejudiced ie 'ageist'. People need a wake up call as to the words they use and learn what they mean before they use them in the wrong context.

As I said, nothing remotely ageist in the OP's post.

Why didn't you say anything?

No @CokeDrinker. The OP wasn't stating a fact. Clearly indicated by the use of the word 'maybe'. And associating a specific, negative behaviour to someone's age is ageist. Whether you like it or not.

Absolutely no confusion as to whether this was ageist or not.

@SwedishK - that was exactly me this morning!

@GintyMcGinty

Yes YABU

I would have let them in to use the loo then reminded them I am working and invited them to make themselves a cup of tea and help themselves to a snack.

Then go back to work and let them let themselves out when they are done.

This is spot on. OP what would you have done if it was your own parents on your door step?

Re my parents turning up. They always call ahead to check we are in/its okay. They know I'm working so come outside of those hours. They don't enter the house because of covid.

I’ve seen my ILs not respect my dh’s boundaries when he’s working from home. I remember once MIL wandered in to the conservatory, where dh works, with a cup of tea, and sat and listened to his conference call. When it finished and dh said his goodbyes, she said ‘yes bye, bye!’ There’s a very high chance she would have been heard. I don’t wtf goes on in her head.

[quote I8toys]@SwedishK - that was exactly me this morning! [/quote]
Understandable.

@BIWI

No *@CokeDrinker*. The OP wasn't stating a fact. Clearly indicated by the use of the word 'maybe'. And associating a specific, negative behaviour to someone's age is ageist. Whether you like it or not.

Absolutely no confusion as to whether this was ageist or not.

@BIWI Yes, as I said. The difference in ages means different experiences. Different generations. There is no prejudice in the OP's post, nor did she say or associate any negative behaviour due to their age. Absolutely no confusion is right, it clearly is not ageist. Pure, clear and simple. Please look up what ageist means. Nothing the OP said even remotely corresponds to that. Not in any dimension. You'd have to be stretching rather desperately to think it was.

No you're not overreacting. They came in uninvited, against covid rules, and disturbed your work. They had previously agreed not to knock or come in. They even made hints about lunch. Not on.

Why are people saying make them return the key? You didn't mention a key. They followed a delivery driver in, suggesting that they only wanted to use the toilet.

@I8toys

Re my parents turning up. They always call ahead to check we are in/its okay. They know I'm working so come outside of those hours. They don't enter the house because of covid.

I would try to drop this into conversation with ILs in this case- which should hopefully let them know what you are comfortable with: also don’t be afraid of being assertive. You sound like you were actually very sweet to them and are now quietly fuming with the situation. Next time a ‘come on in and help yourself. I’m upstairs working but I’ll catch up with you soon’ is perfectly kind but leaves no room for uncertainty.

I know full well what ageism means @CokeDrinker. Don't be so patronising.

@RampantIvy

1) If they have a key can you get it off them, or change the locks? 2) Make it clear to them that your working hours are eg 8.30 - 5 Monday to Friday and you are not to be disturbed during that time 3) Get a video camera put up by your front door so you know who is at the door, then you can ignore it if it is them 4) If they get past this sytem despite all of your efforts tell them you are busy and you will see them at the weekend, then put your headphones on and close the door behind them

Yes do all of that. Maybe get a couple of Rottweilers, a barbed wire perimeter fence and floodlights. You can't be too careful with these 80 year olds.

@BIWI

I know full well what ageism means *@CokeDrinker*. Don't be so patronising.

Look in the mirror.

@derxa

@BillyTodd that’s a great script.

I had to write down phrases and practice them over and over before I was able to get the hang of dealing with my in-laws. The funny thing is, that once you’ve spoken up a few times, it starts to feel more natural. For me the key was realising that by keeping my voice neutral (or even warm), things that sounded unconscionably rude in my head were quite reasonable when spoken out loud.