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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fuming - in laws

433 replies

I8toys · 29/04/2021 13:38

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
merrygoround88 · 29/04/2021 15:29

Do people really think it’s acceptable to refuse old people the use of a bathroom and not quickly make them a cup of tea before you go up to the office.

Personally, I would find that just so disrespectful

soupmaker · 29/04/2021 15:29

Lots of good advice for you here OP.

If you really do think they would use their key to come In unannounced, keep a key in the lock of the locked door on the inside. This drives me insane when MIL does it when she's staying and we're out as I can't get into my own house but you could make use this to your advantage!

soupmaker · 29/04/2021 15:30

Oh, and I wouldn't ask for the key back. Never a bad idea to have family with a key in the grand scheme of things.

Chloemol · 29/04/2021 15:31

No you are not. They were told you would be working, it’s disrespectful in that alone, never mind it against covid rules

Speak to your dh and tell him this is not on. If they move to your area they can’t just pop in

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 29/04/2021 15:31

What do you mean 'you think' they have a key? Why do you not know if they have a key to your property.

You think they dont respect your job and they wouldnt do it to your DH. No they wouldnt as he would set boundaries and tell them he is working. You didnt and ended up making them a drink. Hopefully you are prepared for when they turn up next time

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 29/04/2021 15:32

@themalamander yes I would be upset with him if he did that, its basic manners and politeness - its family. Luckily he never would. And I never would to his family. But we are close with our families. A wee and a cup of tea - no issue. I'd just excuse myself after, say I've a call in ten I have to prep for, and tell them to let themselves out when done.

AnnaSW1 · 29/04/2021 15:33

I'm with you. But I wouldn't have let them in, I'd have reminded them I was working.

Mammymar · 29/04/2021 15:33

No you are ot over reacting. They are rude.

MrsClatterbuck · 29/04/2021 15:34

I don't know why they are moving so close. The only thing I can think of is that they want care in the long term. I think we need to know what they are expecting. We both work full time so that's the priority

I would be very careful here regarding the future because if DH takes priority over you they could be expecting you to do the lions share of any caring duties further down the line. I would make it crystal clear to your DH what you would be prepared to do if anything. What ages are they and are there any other siblings.

apooagnuandyou · 29/04/2021 15:38

You are not over-reacting, but you need to be firmer.

Yes, the can use the loo.
Now you are working, so sorry can't chat, open the front door and see you soon.
Don't offer them a cup of tea! It doesn't matter if someone thinks you are rude or not, it's people who come unannounced and uninvited who are very rude and believe their time is more important than yours.

Thefaceofboe · 29/04/2021 15:38

I swear everyone hates their PIL on mumsnet Hmm just be a grown up and tell them you’re working, either be quiet and let you get on, or leave.

mobear · 29/04/2021 15:39

Yes, and passive aggressive. Be firm with them, explain why you're too busy for guests/ concerned from a Covid-19 perspective and show them out.

FourteenthDoctor · 29/04/2021 15:39

I don't believe this even happened

BillyTodd · 29/04/2021 15:39

You'd had some good advice here and I'm really pleased you have taken it on board. Just to add that you may be able to find some assertiveness training online, and you would reap the benefits from treating this like a self development project. People who can't say no, have their boundaries and think of everything that isn't a yes as a conflict that they just don't have the heart for, DO tend to get walked all over in life, and I think your work, home and all aspects of your life will be improved from improving your assertiveness and ability to express and maintain boundaries. And don't think "oh it's easy for those who are naturally good at it, I'll never be" because I'm speaking from experience of walking this path myself. Diverting them to something less objectionable, pre-supposing compliance, and creating a natural end point that works for you, are three strategies you could practice. edited to add: so is broken record, and directing the thing to be angry/miffed/sad at to an inanimate object or at least somebody not in the room, e.g. covid rules or "my boss won't understand and I'll get in trouble".

Yes FIL you can use our toilet - you can see yourself back out can't you I'm busy working, okay bye bye (walks into study and shuts the door) ( diverting, creating an endpoint AND pre-supposing compliance ).... FIL it's lovely to see you but I am working so I need to be left alone to concentrate, thank you so much for understanding/I know you wouldn't want to prevent me from working ( pre-supposing compliance ).... if you want to wait for DH to come home you can wait in the lounge and help yourself to coffee , or come back after 6 ( diverting/ creating a false choice - whatever he chooses, talking to you isn't on the list of options) I need to be left alone to work now. . ( natural endpoint ).. I'm sorry, I have work to do/a deadline, but if you'd like to come back after 6pm It would be nice to have a 15 minute coffee in the garden with you ( divert, natural endpoint and shared inanimate baddie.... no you can't wait inside the house, Covid rules. Sorry, no, it's covid rules. Sorry, no. ( broken record, diverting the thing to be angry at to covid rules rather than you), See you in the garden at 6! ( assumed compliance )..... Right, I've finished my coffee, I'm off to you can leave the mugs there when you leave, nice seeing you byeeeeeeee!!! ( assumed compliance, natural endpoint )

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 15:40

@MrsClatterbuck - They are nearly 80 and 1 brother who lives a couple of hours away but they could easily move there also.

I said to dh your brother isn't having this issue. That's because they don't like SIL and she disappears when they arrive.

OP posts:
lynsey91 · 29/04/2021 15:41

No of course you are not over reacting and I am surprised that so many think you are.

You are working so they have no right to interrupt and were told that you would be working.

More importantly though (and why are so many ignoring this) we are NOT meant to have anyone in our house unless we are in a bubble with them.

I honestly get the feeling that it is just me and DH and my family that are abiding by the rules.

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 15:42

@BillyTodd - love it. Will print it and read it like a script! Smile

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 29/04/2021 15:45

I would have let them in. Told them to make themselves a drink and shout up when they are going as you have to get back to work.

Brainwave89 · 29/04/2021 15:46

I think you were far too polite TBH. I would have opened the door let them got to the toilet but then said clearly, I am busy working please do not disturb me and close the door when you leave. I would have been quite happy to explain and justify why I need to work without any interruption. Very clear (as is not unusual), that they assume your job is not a proper job as you are a woman.

apooagnuandyou · 29/04/2021 15:47

I would NOT allow my IL to set up camp in my house when I am working because they decided to come without being invited, and clearly told you were busy!

If they want a tea or coffee, the shops are open. They don't need to rummage in your house while you are in your study, how rude!

BlackMarauder · 29/04/2021 15:47

I said to dh your brother isn't having this issue. That's because they don't like SIL and she disappears when they arrive.

Your SIL sounds like a smart one. She knows their game and is willing to enforce boundaries unlike you. If you don't stand up for yourself, you'll end up being the mug in charge of caring for both PILs.

Ninkanink · 29/04/2021 15:48

You’re going to need to get that key back...

In future be assertive. You don’t have the luxury of thinking WTF and just going along with things, so you’re going to have to learn to make your boundaries crystal clear. Politely say no.

YANBU to find the lack of respect very irritating indeed.

phoenixrosehere · 29/04/2021 15:50

I said to dh your brother isn't having this issue. That's because they don't like SIL and she disappears when they arrive.

Your SIL sounds like she has the right idea.

CaraherEIL · 29/04/2021 15:50

I think as well it’s symptomatic of your new life when they downsize and move next door. Gun anyone?

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2021 15:51

Honestly, they are old, they chanced their luck. They probably did need the loo. But by then standing chatting for twenty mins and then offering them a cup of coffee instead of saying right I need to get back to work. Does in fact indicate you want them to stay.