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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely fuming - in laws

433 replies

I8toys · 29/04/2021 13:38

I just need to calm down before I take it out on my husband.

In laws are looking to downsize to our area - that's another thread on its own - not happy about it.

Heard a conversation between dh and them last night about popping around and parking outside our house whilst they went for a wander around the area. I said remind them I'm working please - ie don't knock on or come in. Oh that's okay we've got a flask they said.

Just finished a zoom with my boss and the door goes. Husband is at work. A delivery and my fil standing behind the delivery driver. WTF. Can we go the little boys room mil asks. What can I say no! So she goes to the downstairs loo and then they proceed to enter the house and wander around - looking in the garden. Still made no attempt to leave so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea as they were here so long. Then they mentioned lunch but luckily it was too early.

So there I am answering emails whilst fil just chats away about eff all. They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing.

I didn't say anything because I thought WTF but they aren't even supposed to be in my house. We're not in a bubble. They have had both jabs but I haven't. They could give it to me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 29/04/2021 17:57

@Steph64

No. It’s the lack of respect that grates.
This.
Jaxhog · 29/04/2021 17:59

@chaosrabbitland

yes your overreacting , do you hate them ? cos it sure sounds like it considering they are your husbands parents ! thats whats coming accross to me , that you cant stand them so its making a load of fuss about the fact the poor sods wanted to come in for a chat and then another excuse about the covid vaccine of all things , spare me , how are they going to give you covid unless they are infected ? im assuming they werent sweating away with a fever and coughing repeatedly ?
Err, the OP was WORKING!!! I presume you know what that is?
Peachylovesherpoochy · 29/04/2021 18:08

For those on the thread asking the OP if this is how she would treat her parents - go away and cop yourselves on. The in-laws basically disrespected the fact that she is at work. Just because you are home, you are not available to callers, random drop ins etc.

I work from home (have done for years) and my mum didn’t bother me during the working day until COVID, as it coincided with her retiring. Then the calls started... it got to the point where she was ringing me 5 times a days to talk about nothing. I had to say to her that unless it is an emergency, I mean you are dying imminently do not ring me. I said that I’d call her after work every day as soon as I finished, but she doesn’t want to talk then as she is watching her programs.

OP don’t mince your words, if they try it again just tell them politely that you are not available between the hours of x and y as your career is important and not to come by in those hours and shut the door!

Harpydragon · 29/04/2021 18:09

I would have let them in and then said sorry can't talk I'm at work, kettles in the kitchen help yourself to a cuppa, let me know when you go. And then gone back to work and left them to it.

Howshouldibehave · 29/04/2021 18:17

so to be polite I had to offer a cup of tea

Nope-I wouldn’t have done that! You need to be very clear to them that you’re working and not home for visitors. If you let them in and make them tea, you’re ‘teaching’ them that whilst you say you’re busy, it doesn’t matter and you’ll let them in anyway.

Don’t!

SpnBaby1967 · 29/04/2021 18:18

My mum came round today (twice) she needed somewhere warm and dry with a toilet to kill some time between appointments (she lives 100 miles away but is dealing with the renting of Nans house). She came in, I made a cuppa and then got on with my work whilst talking to her. When I had a call or a meeting she just say quietly whilst I did what I needed to do.

I'm not sure why you're making such a big song and dance about it?

Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 18:21

@SpnBaby1967 because I asked them not to. Work is stressful at the moment so needed to concentrate on that.

OP posts:
derxa · 29/04/2021 18:25

@SpnBaby1967

My mum came round today (twice) she needed somewhere warm and dry with a toilet to kill some time between appointments (she lives 100 miles away but is dealing with the renting of Nans house). She came in, I made a cuppa and then got on with my work whilst talking to her. When I had a call or a meeting she just say quietly whilst I did what I needed to do.

I'm not sure why you're making such a big song and dance about it?

Exactly. DH is working from home due to Covid. He's an introvert but even he's fed up. It's not possible to work flat out for the whole day. It doesn't happen in a normal office. People take breaks. I just don't get it.
Original poster
I8toys · 29/04/2021 18:27

@Derxa I'd just that second come off a zoom call with my boss who gave me loads of actions that I needed to sort out. I didn't need a break or distraction at that particular point in time.

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 18:33

My mum pops in sometimes, even when she's sitting downstairs and I'm up in my study, I feel very guilty and it's a big distraction from my work.

Everyone is not the same. Just because SpnBaby can work with distractions doesn't mean everyone can.

derxa · 29/04/2021 18:34

[quote I8toys]@Derxa I'd just that second come off a zoom call with my boss who gave me loads of actions that I needed to sort out. I didn't need a break or distraction at that particular point in time.[/quote]
Fair enough.

stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 18:35

Funny how no one is accusing @Eilethya of ageism, when she has said pretty much what OP said.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 29/04/2021 18:35

Oh dear it sounds like they have decided that you and maybe on the very odd occasion when it doesn't get in the way of his much more important works, your DH will be their future carers.

Change locks, chain on door and ring door bell.
You have had some excellent advice here though. Get your boundaries up ASAP.

Eilethya · 29/04/2021 18:51

@stackemhigh

Funny how no one is accusing *@Eilethya* of ageism, when she has said pretty much what OP said.
I'm not being ageist, just that the majority of 80 year olds don't have much experience of working from home. It's not ageist if it's fact.

My Nanna is a bugger for it.
"You can come and work here if you like, we can go for a walk on your lunch".

My Nan doesn't even have WiFi shrugs

NiceTwin · 29/04/2021 18:54

Yes.
Do they know you dislike them?

stackemhigh · 29/04/2021 19:08

I don't think you're being ageist Eilethya

BIWI · 29/04/2021 19:25

@stackemhigh

Funny how no one is accusing *@Eilethya* of ageism, when she has said pretty much what OP said.
...only because I wasn't on the thread for the last hour or so Hmm
ElaborateSalad · 29/04/2021 19:28

Yes

rawlikesushi · 29/04/2021 19:39

I would let two elderly strangers come in to use the loo, never mind my partner's bloody parents.

It would break my heart to tell my parents, even more so if I hardly saw them, that they could park on my drive but not knock - not to use the loo, say hello or have a drink. Honestly, I find it just so callous and unkind. The poor buggers only set foot inside because they happened to turn up at the same time as a delivery.

IMO - they deserved a warm welcome, a half hour of your time (no I don't care how busy you are), use of the loo and a hot drink.

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2021 19:54

@I8toys

I realise absolutely fuming is ridiculous now reading it back.

I've listened to everyone's comments and ideas and have a better view on handling it in the future I hope.

@Georgia You say they are family but we hardly ever see them and have hardly been involved in the children's lives even before the pandemic

So why do they have a key?
sHREDDIES19 · 29/04/2021 20:07

Can you honestly say you couldn’t spare 10 minutes to have a chat and offer some basic hospitality to your family? It does sound as if you hate them. Take a step back and see it for what it is, really not worth being angry about!

AmberIsACertainty · 29/04/2021 20:09

[quote BIWI]@CokeDrinker

No idea why people have to keep pointing it out.

For the third time:

They would never do this with my husband and his job but its as if they don't respect I'm working but just at home. It maybe an age thing

From the OP. Ageist from the start.

(That's not to say it's not also about her in-laws over-stepping boundaries - but the ageism is simply unnecessary)[/quote]
It's not ageism. There is often a difference in attitude between generations regards both respect for women and sense of entitlement. That's a fact. The OP wondering if that's the issue isn't ageist. The in-laws behaviour however, that the OPs work isn't important and she should host them whenever they want because she's a women, is sexist.

AmberIsACertainty · 29/04/2021 20:14

I'm also willing to bet that they didn't turn up at the same time as the delivery but that they took the opportunity of OP needing to open the door to gain entry with the loo ruse. There's public toilets everywhere, it was never about the toilet, they wanted in for a cuppa and a chat because it suited them and they couldn't care less that they were interrupting OPs working day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/04/2021 20:16

@stackemhigh

I don't think you're being ageist Eilethya
Who cares? I didn't like my exMIL. What possible reason would I have had to tell her? It's not actually compulsory to like people, even family members.

I know you meant it in a passive aggressive snide way. But it's actually a good point. I'd lie and pretend, because the alternative is shit.

CokeDrinker · 29/04/2021 20:17

@AmberIsACertainty

I'm also willing to bet that they didn't turn up at the same time as the delivery but that they took the opportunity of OP needing to open the door to gain entry with the loo ruse. There's public toilets everywhere, it was never about the toilet, they wanted in for a cuppa and a chat because it suited them and they couldn't care less that they were interrupting OPs working day.
This. That was my thought too, that they were sitting in the car and saw the delivery and went for it using it as a way to gain access.