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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have another child?

104 replies

L41K4 · 29/04/2021 13:25

I am 99.9% sure I’m done with just the one. I know this may change, but I’m pretty adamant due to health reasons.

But I’ve been told this is unfair and DC will be lonely. What are your experiences? We’re you an only child? How did you find it? If you only had one is your DC contented? If you had more was that the better choice?

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 29/04/2021 13:30

These threads pop up regularly. Just because they have siblings doesn’t mean they will be friends or get on. I haven’t spoken to my sister in over a year. People assume that siblings will be close but That can be far from the truth.

HowCanYou · 29/04/2021 13:32

I'm an only. I had a lovely life, am very close to both my parents and don't miss having a sibling at all, and I don't remember wanting one as a child, but I'm a massive introvert and my mum always signed me up for activities (that I hated and didn't want to do!).

Voomster953 · 29/04/2021 13:33

I always watch these threads with interest. I’ve got one, I’m happy with one, I don’t fancy doing it al again but then there’s this stupid niggly annoying twat of a doubt at the back of my mind about them being in their own when we’re gone. Which is daft but still, the stupid bastard is there, niggling away at me.

romdowa · 29/04/2021 13:34

I'm thinking of only having one myself. I've been so unwell with this pregnancy and I'm only just finished the first trimester. I've a younger sibling and they are a toxic asshole and if I never seen them again I would be delighted. So having a sibling isnt always a positive

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2021 13:35

Here we go again. I am so tired of reading about this "poor, lonely only child" nonsense. I'm an only child and had a brilliant childhood. I was never lonely, I was not a spoilt brat, I was, and am not, a social misfit, and I never wanted to have siblings.

Being a happy, well-adjusted person has nothing to do whether you have siblings or not.

OwletteGeckoCatboy · 29/04/2021 13:35

I'm happy with one but I constantly get asked when I'm having another. I think it's your choice!

Original poster
L41K4 · 29/04/2021 13:38

I’m really sorry if this has been done before, apologies.

OP posts:
Voomster953 · 29/04/2021 13:39

@Aquamarine1029

Here we go again. I am so tired of reading about this "poor, lonely only child" nonsense. I'm an only child and had a brilliant childhood. I was never lonely, I was not a spoilt brat, I was, and am not, a social misfit, and I never wanted to have siblings.

Being a happy, well-adjusted person has nothing to do whether you have siblings or not.

Who has said that?! Confused
Curiosity101 · 29/04/2021 13:39

I was an only child until I was 7 1/2, I then moved to live with other family members aged 10 so was effectively an only child again. I was happy, but then I'd always been happy entertaining myself and even as an adult I'm an introvert who is happiest in my own company.

I don't think anyone should have children unless they specifically want them. Raising kids is time consuming and hard work. Your child will only be lonely if you either ignore them or don't take them out to socialise with friends/family/cousins etc.

I don't think there is ever a right or wrong decision here - only that you (and your partner) should actively want any additional children. I think it'd be much more unfair on children to be born for the sake of being 'company' for another child.

paralysedbyinertia · 29/04/2021 13:41

I have one, she is nearly 16. She wasn't an only child by choice, but actually, I think it's worked out better this way. She is very happy and not at all lonely - she has great social skills and tons of friends. She is more confident than most of her peers and has excellent mental health. We have a very close relationship. She has access to opportunities that we couldn't have afforded if we had two children, and she gets as much of our time and attention as she needs. And contrary to the stereotype, she isn't remotely spoilt or selfish - quite the contrary, tbh, she is incredibly generous and considerate towards others. She has never wanted a sibling, she likes things how they are.

It wasn't how I planned it, but I am more than happy with how things worked out and I wouldn't change our family now even if I could. Having an only child has been a massive positive in my experience.

Voomster953 · 29/04/2021 13:41

@L41K4

I’m really sorry if this has been done before, apologies.
Don’t apologise. You can start a thread about anything you like. And it’ll be helpful for me as I’m pondering the same thing. I don’t want more but external influences annoyingly make me feel pressurised and like I ‘should’.

Even though @Aquamarine1029 sounded exasperated, it’s good to know how nice they had it as an only. I pretty much was as an only anyway, my brothers and sister are quite a lot older than me.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2021 13:42

Who has said that?!

Countless threads on mn.

Metallicalover · 29/04/2021 13:44

What happens to people who can only have one child?
I would love to have another but I struggled to conceive my 1st. Would people say I'm a terrible person and giving my daughter a lonely life if she's an only one??

All families are different! If I couldn't have another child I would be sad but I'm so grateful I have my little girl!
People just love to make comments about things that are non of their business!!!

Cavagirl · 29/04/2021 13:45

@Aquamarine1029

Here we go again. I am so tired of reading about this "poor, lonely only child" nonsense. I'm an only child and had a brilliant childhood. I was never lonely, I was not a spoilt brat, I was, and am not, a social misfit, and I never wanted to have siblings.

Being a happy, well-adjusted person has nothing to do whether you have siblings or not.

Seconded!!!

I find the numerous threads on here bizarre, with people feeling guilty about needing to "give" their first born a sibling like a second child is a weird present.... what a burden to put on the second child! Welcome to the world Little One, the purpose for your existence is to entertain our other child Confused

IME it's rarely parents who were themselves only children feeling this way, it's people with siblings feeling like they should recreate their own childhood. I never wanted a brother or sister particularly and don't feel like I've missed out. I'm an extrovert and have always had a lot of friends throughout my life.

So many more things contribute to a child feeling lonely than whether they have a brother or sister. If you don't want another child OP tell the people judging you to piss off!

Happycat1212 · 29/04/2021 13:47

I didn’t say there is anything wrong with starting this thread just pointing out that it’s asked constantly on here, there was a thread the only day about only having one. I have 4 children and all they do is fight all day, having more than one child doesn’t guarantee anything , they equally say they wish they were the only ones etc, and wish it was just them. So works both ways.

Happycat1212 · 29/04/2021 13:47

I find the numerous threads on here bizarre, with people feeling guilty about needing to "give" their first born a sibling like a second child is a weird present

Yep there is a thread every couple of days about this.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 29/04/2021 13:48

Same. Im done at 1. I told a colleague this the other day and she said, 'arent you worried about only child syndrome? Your son will probably end up sitting with a tablet all by himself'

...okay....

Cavagirl · 29/04/2021 13:53

only child syndrome

Florin · 29/04/2021 13:53

Our DS is an only child and he loves it and no want for brothers or sisters. He is the most sociable child I know but equally after hanging out with his friends he loves coming home to a calm quiet house. We get to give him the best of us and our time and also money. He loves doing an expensive hobby and it’s lovely we can support this as well as private school.

paralysedbyinertia · 29/04/2021 13:54

@Metallicalover

What happens to people who can only have one child? I would love to have another but I struggled to conceive my 1st. Would people say I'm a terrible person and giving my daughter a lonely life if she's an only one??

All families are different! If I couldn't have another child I would be sad but I'm so grateful I have my little girl!
People just love to make comments about things that are non of their business!!!

Sadly, people are too insensitive to care. I suffered with secondary infertility, and lost count of how many people - including random strangers - deemed it fit to quiz me on when I was going to "provide" dd with a sibling, or lectured me on how cruel it was to leave her as an only, or threatened me with warnings about how she would grow up spoilt, or selfish, or lacking in social skills etc. You see it on these boards often enough as well. Fuckwits.

The only reassurance that I can provide on that front is that the comments magically stopped once dd got to a certain age. I assume that it was deemed "too late" by that point.

DD has proven all of them wrong as she has grown up, and I'm really happy with how things have evolved for our family, but I will never forget how incredibly rude and insensitive some people were when I was in the midst of coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to have another baby.

TakeMe2Insanity · 29/04/2021 13:54

I was an only child and I hated. I always wanted a lot! Sadly DC is an only child. His friends are still having siblings and he always asks if he can have one. If I could have one more I would. It’s not about randoms but about you, your family etc.

Defaultuser · 29/04/2021 13:56

Things have probably changed now as there is more parental supervision (and especially due to lockdown) but when I was young I don't remember everyone playing with their siblings. Everyone had their friendship groups and played with them.

HarleyQuinn21 · 29/04/2021 13:56

I don't want another one by choice, I can't do the baby stage again, not for me. My DH has a brother and we see them about once it twice a year.

paralysedbyinertia · 29/04/2021 13:56

I find the numerous threads on here bizarre, with people feeling guilty about needing to "give" their first born a sibling like a second child is a weird present....

I think that guilt is primarily fuelled by other people demanding that you "give" your child a sibling. It's very weird how many people believe that they have an absolute right to comment on your reproductive intentions.

idontlikealdi · 29/04/2021 13:58

My siblings and I don't speak. Having a sibling wasn't a good experience. Do what you want don't conform to societal 'norms'.