To not have another child?

[L41K4]

I am 99.9% sure I’m done with just the one. I know this may change, but I’m pretty adamant due to health reasons.

But I’ve been told this is unfair and DC will be lonely. What are your experiences? We’re you an only child? How did you find it? If you only had one is your DC contented? If you had more was that the better choice?

Totally fine, brilliant idea, one is great.

Attitudes are changing and it is now much more common to have one. There are actually loads of benefits. I had siblings and am still a massive introvert so means nothing!
The only complaints I've heard are worries about all the pressure being on them to do things a certain way like have grandchildren as they are the only one. Make sure he/she knows it makes no difference to you and that they shouldn't feel that.

Let's face it, you'll be criticised whatever you do:

No DC at all: 'You'll be lonely in old age, blah blah blah...'
One DC: 'That's so unfair, they'll be lonely. You MUST give them a sibling'
Two DC: 'You're not having any more, are you?'
Three+ DC: OMG, you are DESTROYING THE PLANET, I will report you to Greta...'

My advice is to disregard anything people say and make your own decision.

@ViciousJackdaw I feel criticised just for starting the thread!

I have found it very strange how much people
Mention it. When DC was just a few weeks someone asked me about having a second one and it’s happened multiple times. I think I can give DC a happy life but other people seem to think it’s not enough and it makes you feel guilty!

You are never obligated to squeeze out a human being to please other people.

OP I'm not exasperated not at you and I'm guessing other PPs also. It's good that you've started the thread to actually get some real life experiences rather than listen to nonsense.

I'm exasperated that this notion still pervades society. The number of threads on this subject is reflective of some people still believing this nonsense.

[quote L41K4]@ViciousJackdaw I feel criticised just for starting the thread!

I have found it very strange how much people
Mention it. When DC was just a few weeks someone asked me about having a second one and it’s happened multiple times. I think I can give DC a happy life but other people seem to think it’s not enough and it makes you feel guilty![/quote]
I totally get this, I felt the same. Don't let it get to you, though. One absolutely is enough.

Hi OP

I had an accident when my DS was a baby. It left me disabled and unable to carry any possible future pregnancy to term.

Added to that, my (now ex) DH was becoming increasingly abusive and I didn't want to bring any further children into that situation.

I was very lucky - my sister was pregnant at the same time as me. Her eldest DD is five weeks younger than my DS. We live close to each other and they've grown up together (same pre-school, primary school and 6th form).

I was also lucky enough to have a great employer and was able to progress in my career. DS got zero support from his father, but I was able to give him a very comfortable childhood with lots of clubs and holidays. I was obviously able to provide more for DS than I would have been able to if I'd had more children.

DS loves being an only. He's a young adult now. I'm able to fully support him through uni, plus set up a savings fund to help him with a house deposit when the time comes.

DS is still very close to his cousin/ my sister. They are closer in age than siblings (except multiples) would be.

So long as the child is loved and supported, I don’t think it matters where/who that support comes from. Extended family can be just as close as full siblings.

@Cavagirl I appreciate that completely, as I say it has surprised me too the amount of people who have commented on it, it started when DC was only a few weeks and hadn’t let up and it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong by having an only child. I e had adult only children telling me they were miserable and that I’ll be selfish to do this. But I don’t think mum health could sustain another, and I’ve never considered it in the way of having a child to make another child happy, that’s a really interesting point. Obviously you’d love both children the same, but of course you should have a child because you want that child.

I have 3 DC and have a brother and sister. DH also has 2 siblings. My niece is an only child and very lonely. SIL always bringing her round most days to play, constantly texting to see if we can meet “she’s bored she’s nobody to play with” etc lockdown was incredibly isolating for her and has made her an incredibly shy and nervous child.

My cousin also grew up an only child and hated it. The 3 friends I have who were only children have all gone on to have 3 and 4 children which I think speaks volumes.

Very, very happy only child here. Great childhood.

Do not feel bad about only having one. I always find it so patronising and offensive that people "feel sorry" for only children.

I grew up with siblings and always knew I wanted plenty of my own. Now I have five and I do look at friends with one child and envy some of the experiences they can have as a family versus what we can, eg trips abroad, summer holidays full of expensive activities. I wouldn't change it though as it's right for us. I get judged for having five, you'll get judged for having one. Ignore it and enjoy your life.

That last post was a rambly, typo-filled nightmare!

Checkingout811 that’s interesting my nephew is an only and he hates coming to my house as he finds my children loud and annoying and mainly stays upstairs if he comes , so I imagine it’s different for everyone

I get judged for having five, you'll get judged for having one

I get judged for having 4 some of the worst comments have actually been from my siblings 😕

@Happycat1212

The worst comments always come from family. My mum refused to congratulate me when I announced my last pregnancy.

You couldn't possibly be unreasonable to not have a child you're pretty sure you don't want.
Your actual child will be just fine.

@Happycat1212 oh it definitely is! I think for my niece she had just started pre school before lockdown and then had to leave again so had just started getting used to being around children and then had it taken away again.

I think it's entirely your decision so I wouldn't worry about what other people think.

The only contribution I would make is that both my parents were only children and it was hard for them caring for both sets of elderly parents alone and having to take all the responsibility for end of life decisions and sorting everything out when they died.

That's not enough of a reason to have more than one child if you don't want more though.

Oh, and the other weird thing. My sister and I grew up without any aunties, uncles or cousins. Friends didn't believe me when I told them.

Also, now my mum and dad are dead and my sister lives far away I have no 'wider' family at all

I think it's very hard to decide when people's experiences are so different.

Me and my siblings are close in age but not close now at all and I would have much preferred being an only child. They were terrible children, misbehaved constantly and they were really nasty to me. I was mostly forgotten about and left to it because I was easy and I was the eldest and my poor parents really had their work cut out for them.

That doesn't mean that I don't want more than one, but I'm sure I want no more than 2 and I won't have a pre conceived notion that they'll be best friends.

That’s one of the reasons why I don’t talk to my sister anymore canonlydoblue she hates that I have 4, she looks down her nose at me and the digs have been constant over the years about “people that have loads of kids” added to that I’m a single parent, she only had one and sees herself as superior because of it.

@ViciousJackdaw

Let's face it, you'll be criticised whatever you do:

No DC at all: 'You'll be lonely in old age, blah blah blah...'
One DC: 'That's so unfair, they'll be lonely. You MUST give them a sibling'
Two DC: 'You're not having any more, are you?'
Three+ DC: OMG, you are DESTROYING THE PLANET, I will report you to Greta...'

My advice is to disregard anything people say and make your own decision.

Yep! Although 2 is perfect. Except one of each "ohhh they don't have same sex sibling" and two of same sex "ohh you havn't got the other one"

I have three children. The eldest is severely disabled and has never acknowledged his siblings. The other two have very little to do with each other, they’re not mates, they don’t walk to school together, they’ve never played together. Siblings aren’t always the best of friends who do stuff together! I’m in my 50’s with 5 siblings. I have nothing to do with any of them.

Having one is absolutely ok.

It doesn't really matter tbh, if you only want one then that's fine, just have one. There are pros and cons to both being an only child and having siblings. At the end of the day it comes down to what you prefer.

You need to do what's right for your family.

Not all siblings get along and sometimes it's better to focus all time and money on one child.