Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have another child?

104 replies

L41K4 · 29/04/2021 13:25

I am 99.9% sure I’m done with just the one. I know this may change, but I’m pretty adamant due to health reasons.

But I’ve been told this is unfair and DC will be lonely. What are your experiences? We’re you an only child? How did you find it? If you only had one is your DC contented? If you had more was that the better choice?

OP posts:
LucyCC · 29/04/2021 14:43

I hate these threads and I hate that this outdated prejudice still exists in society today. I’m an only child, have zero complaints about being one, and the only time I have ever felt negative about it is as an adult reading things like this or listening to people yap away about having a second child like it’s some form of neglect not providing a sibling. I have a 9 month old who is and will remain an only. According to the ONS, one child families are on the rise and expected to no longer be in the minority in the next few years. What on earth will we make only children feel bad about then???

IsThePopeCatholic · 29/04/2021 14:44

It would be much better for the planet if we all only had one child. I think there are going to be more and more only children now.

Navigationcentral · 29/04/2021 14:49

So here are my considered views on this!

I am an only child. I wanted for nothing. My parents devoted the entirety of their money on me. I received the best of education, have made a fab career, and now live halfway across the world from them. They were of the firm opinion that the fairest thing to their existing child would be to not divide their wealth and attention with a sibling to their child. My childhood was very unhappy. This is not to say that it would have changed with a sibling. I felt alone and vulnerable weathering the stormy break up of my parents. And today - I feel a similar degree of alone and vulnerable as they age in a country where COVID is ravaging people into newspaper headlines this month. Would I feel less scared or alone if another adult somewhere in the world was going through my exact feelings right now as I wait with bated breath for them to not catch COVID as their/my country swarms with the virus? Not sure. Who knows?

I have two children myself. My spouse is 1 of 3 - he had no views on this. I specifically decided to have 2. Number 2 was not created for No 1. That is a peculiar idea. I always planned to have 2. I know that our attention and money is divided. I also know adult siblings may or may not get on. But I dont worry about what I cannot control. At the minute I take heart in watching them play, share a room and bond. And I hope they have each others backs if they end up with a stormy childhood or when they worry about us in our old age. I cannot guarantee it - and they were not made for a guarantee.

SomethingOnce · 29/04/2021 14:58

there’s this stupid niggly annoying twat of a doubt at the back of my mind about them being in their own when we’re gone.

Speaking as an only, it’s the going I worry about, not the gone. The possibility of having sole responsibility for two parents needing more and more help is a real worry, especially in the context of a rapidly ageing population.

Abouttimemum · 29/04/2021 14:59

I have one DS and I’m only having one. I’m not really fussed what anyone else thinks.

I have sisters who I get on great with by the way, and we had a great childhood. I do worry for DS but another child is not a guarantee of a lifelong friend anyway!

paralysedbyinertia · 29/04/2021 15:00

@SomethingOnce

there’s this stupid niggly annoying twat of a doubt at the back of my mind about them being in their own when we’re gone.

Speaking as an only, it’s the going I worry about, not the gone. The possibility of having sole responsibility for two parents needing more and more help is a real worry, especially in the context of a rapidly ageing population.

If it makes you feel any better, @SomethingOnce, many of us have sole responsibilities for ageing parents despite having siblings.
lanthanum · 29/04/2021 15:01

I have a 14 year old only who has never minded not having a sibling - I think she'd say she prefers being an only. Being the only child in the house during lockdown probably made that a bit harder, but we could hardly have planned round that!

For us as as a family, it was the right decision. There are lots of differences from larger families, but lots of them are benefits. In particular, there were lots of things we could do with her when she was younger because, with only one, if they lose interest you can move on. If you've got two or three, that wouldn't be fair on the ones who are interested.

I was surprised to discover that unfairness is still an issue - there may not be the comparisons with siblings, but it feels incredibly unfair when you're the only person in the household who has to ask before getting a biscuit!

When we were deciding, I weighed up the pros and cons, and came to the conclusion that most of the reason I thought we should have more was because of my DM's views on only children. Her views, note, not the reasons she cited. To give her her due, she hasn't mentioned these views at all since we had DD - but it doesn't mean I've forgotten what she used to say!

Iwantanap · 29/04/2021 15:03

You will mostly get biased opinions. Those who have only 1 will defend their decision and those who had more than 1 will defend theirs as it's what they know and what their experience is.
These threads do come up several times a week but ultimately each person has to decide on their own. You can't really do a pros and cons list as it's too complicated for that. It really is a heart decision and if you want to have another then you will. You may also change your mind in the future. At least you are taking it seriously

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/04/2021 15:21

I have a 19yr old only, it was the right decision for me and she's fine being an onky, has never wanted a sibling

Eyevorbig0ne · 29/04/2021 15:26

My child is an only. I think she'd be more rounded and happier with a sibling.
Oh well, I never wanted anymore so that's that really.

GreyhoundG1rl · 29/04/2021 15:27

@Eyevorbig0ne

My child is an only. I think she'd be more rounded and happier with a sibling. Oh well, I never wanted anymore so that's that really.
There's really no evidence for that, I wouldn't worry.
Conkergame · 29/04/2021 15:33

OP it’s total luck! Some only children love it, some wish they had a sibling, equally lots of children hate their siblings, whilst others are very close and still others are ambivalent and rub along ok but prefer their friends.

Just go with what’s best for your family!

DinosaurDiana · 29/04/2021 15:34

I’m an only child and quite happy.
My DH has several siblings, and the last time he saw them was 4 years ago at their father’s funeral !

PatrickBatemann · 29/04/2021 15:37

@Aquamarine1029

Here we go again. I am so tired of reading about this "poor, lonely only child" nonsense. I'm an only child and had a brilliant childhood. I was never lonely, I was not a spoilt brat, I was, and am not, a social misfit, and I never wanted to have siblings.

Being a happy, well-adjusted person has nothing to do whether you have siblings or not.

Totally agree. As an adult now, I literally never even think about it. I have a very very close relationship with my parents, wonderful partner and in-laws, friends. Never felt I needed a sibling.

And as others have said, it's no guarantee they'll be friends. My DM hasn't spoken to her vile brother in years, because he grew up to become just awful. My DF rarely has contact with his siblings either; they all live in different countries too.

PatrickBatemann · 29/04/2021 15:40

@Checkingout811

I have 3 DC and have a brother and sister. DH also has 2 siblings. My niece is an only child and very lonely. SIL always bringing her round most days to play, constantly texting to see if we can meet “she’s bored she’s nobody to play with” etc lockdown was incredibly isolating for her and has made her an incredibly shy and nervous child.

My cousin also grew up an only child and hated it. The 3 friends I have who were only children have all gone on to have 3 and 4 children which I think speaks volumes.

No it doesn't speak volumes. It speaks for their own, individual circumstances.
Blinketyblink · 29/04/2021 15:48

@Navigationcentral

So here are my considered views on this!

I am an only child. I wanted for nothing. My parents devoted the entirety of their money on me. I received the best of education, have made a fab career, and now live halfway across the world from them. They were of the firm opinion that the fairest thing to their existing child would be to not divide their wealth and attention with a sibling to their child. My childhood was very unhappy. This is not to say that it would have changed with a sibling. I felt alone and vulnerable weathering the stormy break up of my parents. And today - I feel a similar degree of alone and vulnerable as they age in a country where COVID is ravaging people into newspaper headlines this month. Would I feel less scared or alone if another adult somewhere in the world was going through my exact feelings right now as I wait with bated breath for them to not catch COVID as their/my country swarms with the virus? Not sure. Who knows?

I have two children myself. My spouse is 1 of 3 - he had no views on this. I specifically decided to have 2. Number 2 was not created for No 1. That is a peculiar idea. I always planned to have 2. I know that our attention and money is divided. I also know adult siblings may or may not get on. But I dont worry about what I cannot control. At the minute I take heart in watching them play, share a room and bond. And I hope they have each others backs if they end up with a stormy childhood or when they worry about us in our old age. I cannot guarantee it - and they were not made for a guarantee.

This.

Also - to give another voice to the other perspective...I too am an only child and absolutely detested it. That feeling has not worn off as I've grown older (I am now 30), in fact, the profound feelings of loneliness have only intensified. And those feelings are only in relation to not having sibling. Perhaps it is in part linked to age, and that being an only child is in some ways easier for the generation(s) below me, but I cannot really see how that could be the case.

I have a wonderful relationship with both of my parents, a kind and loving partner, and close friendships, yet still I cannot shake the feeling that something is missing. It does and always has felt profoundly isolating. I do feel sad sometimes that once my parents are gone there won't be anyone else and that any family I have will be family that I have created.

This is one of the reasons I always promised myself that I would not settle down with a fellow only child, as if we ended up only having one child ourselves (due to circumstance, fertility issues etc), that child would have: no cousins, no aunts, no uncles, no grandparents, no brothers or sisters, and once we were gone (no parents). Zero family! That, to me, sounded awful, and very very lonely.

I was fortunate in that I had a lovely childhood with multiple opportunities and lots of love and affection, but it still did not cause the feelings of isolation to subside, and feelings of envying friends with siblings.

I should point out that I have met many only children who feel similarly, and I have also met only children who have disguised their pain from their parents when asked how they feel about being an only child so as not to burden their parents with something so emotive that they can do nothing to change.

Of course not everyone feels this way, and clearly (from this thread alone) there are many people who thrived in only-childhood (and subsequently, adulthood), but please don't believe that this has been the case for all of us. Far from it.

sar302 · 29/04/2021 15:49

Just remember that none of these people commenting on how you should "give" your child a sibling, are going to be doing the hard bits though are they?

They won't be pregnant.
They won't give birth.
They won't be guarding your mental / physical health.
They won't do the middle of the night feeds.
They won't be funding child care.
They won't be picking up the extra associated tasks and mental load.
They won't be negotiating the changing dynamics of family life.

Talk is cheap. Everyone likes to have an opinion, but when it comes down to it, it's ALL on you and your partner.

paralysedbyinertia · 29/04/2021 15:50

No it doesn't speak volumes. It speaks for their own, individual circumstances.

@PatrickBatemann, exactly.

Just as it doesn't speak volumes when people with siblings choose to have only children. There are so many factors that might affect people's decisions!

Navigationcentral · 29/04/2021 19:19

The way I look at it this:

I knew and I know that 1) having both DS and DD cuts our finances and attention by half 2) I cannot guarantee DD and DS won’t detest each other as adults.

I knew this.

Despite this I chose to have 2. They were always going to be 2. DD was not manufactured “for DS”. 1 came before 2. They play together, we love being their parents, we love what we can provide them. We love the times we have.

At no point do I sit and think the present gives me an iron clad guarantee for their future. That’s not why we made them. At no point do I think if we had stopped at one - DS could have had private school/better holidays/obscure hobbies. That’s not how things worked in our heads.

We’ve got DS and DD and are just enjoying the present knowing full well we cannot ever - guarantee they will stay bonded at 45 and 41 years old for example.

annacondom · 29/04/2021 19:25

@Voomster953

I always watch these threads with interest. I’ve got one, I’m happy with one, I don’t fancy doing it al again but then there’s this stupid niggly annoying twat of a doubt at the back of my mind about them being in their own when we’re gone. Which is daft but still, the stupid bastard is there, niggling away at me.
Voomster, don't worry about that. Your one will inherit everything Grin. Every cloud.... Seriously, if you make sure your dc goes to lots of clubs and activities to mix with other dch, they'll be fine.
MintyCedric · 29/04/2021 19:28

It's all bollocks...do what is right for you and your child.

My DD is an only...16yo, perfectly happy, well-rounded young woman not the neurotic, selfish stereotypical only child.

I'm also an only...didn't give a monkeys when I was younger. Having had numerous issues with elderly parents over the last couple of years I've sometimes wished for a sibling to share the load, but honestly in most cases I know of they're more hindrance than help.

Naunet · 29/04/2021 19:53

Oh yes, you’re so selfish to not risk your health 🙄 these people are really stupid. You’re not an incubator, you’re an actual human being with your own needs and wants.

Tossblanket · 29/04/2021 20:10

I'm an only, so is my partner, so will be our son.

We're both normal functioning adults and I'm best guessing he will be one day too.

Don't let dickheads with irrelevant opinions spoil it for you.

SomethingOnce · 29/04/2021 20:15

Am I alone in worrying about what life will be like for our children and grandchildren with a rapidly ageing (longer lifespans, declining fertility rate) population? I agree the world/other species might be better off with fewer people, in the fullness of time, but it’s not at all clear to me that this is best achieved by giving the working-age population too much to do in the medium term.

Ocean456 · 29/04/2021 20:17

I’m an only and hated it. DH is an only and loved it, had lots of activities with school and lots of opportunities.

We’ve experienced secondary infertility and have been trying for a second for 2 and half years...I don’t know if it’s a fantasy I hold onto of it being magical because I’ve never had a sibling so don’t know what’s it’s like but I’m desperate to give DC a sibling relationship..when we first started trying to conceive I did it out of a commitment to family planning...I was perfectly happy with our gang of three, we didn’t start to TTC till DC was four as I just didn’t feel the desire at all so I do understand how you feel OP. I think if we’d conceived straight away it would never have meant so much and I wouldn’t have valued it anywhere near as much as I would if I conceived now