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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have another child?

104 replies

L41K4 · 29/04/2021 13:25

I am 99.9% sure I’m done with just the one. I know this may change, but I’m pretty adamant due to health reasons.

But I’ve been told this is unfair and DC will be lonely. What are your experiences? We’re you an only child? How did you find it? If you only had one is your DC contented? If you had more was that the better choice?

OP posts:

Wannakisstheteacher · 29/04/2021 20:21

I have a sister. We didn’t get on as children and certainly don’t now. We have nothing in common and I actively dislike her company. Don’t risk your health for this mythical sibling bond which may well never exist.

lordalmighty · 29/04/2021 20:21

I have one aged 8. I would love another but also remember how hard it was and don't know if I could do it again. My child would LOVE a sibling and my reasons for wanting another include her not being 'alone' as such and both my parents having died young & I keep thinking she will be left totally alone in the world if anything were to happen to me. So difficult. Not to mention the childcare costs! I always wanted a big family but I am also happy with my one!

lightningpeach · 29/04/2021 20:27

Every situation is different and we felt the same at one point but so glad we had our second, its added a whole new fun dynamic that although is hard work (5 year age gap) has brought so much happiness to is all (including older sibling who wasnt keen when youngest arrived!).
Also it may be coincidence, but I have three adult friends with no siblings in different friendship groups who all have very self absorbed tendencies. They seem very confident but can just carry on and expect the world to revolve around them. We love them all as part of our groups and they have other great qualities but all often do things without thinking of other people and have pissed off people because of this. Probably a massive generalisation but have noticed these three have similar attitudes.

Wrenna · 29/04/2021 20:32

I had a mc before and after ds and then went into premature menopause so he’s an only. He did ask when he was about 6-8 and I just nicely but firmly said it’s not going to happen and I tried not to make him feel sorry for himself and I find that attitude helps a Lot! Funny his closest friends are all onlies as well and he now says he doesn’t miss having a sibling at all and he’s almost 20.

One thing we intend to do is as we get older not rely on him to ‘take care of us’ and be a burden on him. We will provide for ourselves as far as nursing homes or care, tell him when we kick off to take what he wants and get a company to clear out the house and sell it for him; so what if a chunk of his inheritance is used to make his life easier, he’s an only so he’ll get plenty anyway.

Although I wanted another child and felt guilty for years, I realized I felt guilty after awhile because I really and truly love having an only - it’s SO EASY! We can afford to send him to university without student loans and since we’re in the USA let me tell you it’s easily 100K. We couldn’t afford to do that for two. I got to work earlier than all my friends with more kids. And the best thing is when you have two or more for them it’s like ‘us’ and ‘them’. With one it’s only ‘Us”!

Peace43 · 29/04/2021 20:34

I have a 10 year old DD. She’s a delight and she’s very happy. She’s old enough to say now that she’d not want siblings. I work hard to set up play dates for her and to be someone for her to play with. We are off trampolining together later in May! She enjoys our dog who is her little shadow. We spend birthdays and Xmas with extended family with their kids.

I am so pleased I didn’t have a second. I’m a really good mum of one. Not sure I’d be a great mum to 2!

ladywithnomanors · 29/04/2021 20:38

Yanbu. You should only have as many children as you want. It’s your choice.

diamondpony80 · 29/04/2021 20:50

It’s what you’re used to I guess? I loved growing up with siblings. If you didn’t have them you wouldn’t really know what you were missing though, and you might not be missing anything depending on the relationship. Siblings don’t always get on. I know quite a few families where the siblings didn’t get on growing up but do now. And a few where they got on as kids and can’t stand each other now.

RhodaDendron · 29/04/2021 20:52

Yanbu of course! I’ve got three. I like having three. But I can see the appeal of having zero, one, two or four! And fair play to you if you want five plus. But I know plenty of happy and unhappy people, and the number of siblings they have doesn’t seem to be a pattern. I would say that it’s a great plan to try and take the burden off them in old age, as that is what my only child friends say they dread most.

Spaghettiamaretti · 29/04/2021 20:58

I’m an only child and I hated it. I always begged my parents to have another baby but for health reasons my mum couldn’t (and my dad didn’t really want kids in general so having me was a major compromise).
Both my mum and dad are from big families and they’ve all got 2+ children each (most have 3/4) so I grew up watching my cousins in group of their siblings (if that makes sense) and they were all so close and I loved their busy households as opposed to our really quiet one.

Me being an only child led me to wanting a big family myself. I have a son from a previous relationship and myself and DP have two children together. My dad passed away a few years ago and my mum is extremely lonely. She relies on me a lot and it’s hard not having anyone else that she can turn to, I get the brunt of it all. We’re really close because of it but again it was another reason I wanted more children so that they were never burdened with anything alone (for example when my dad passed away I wished I had a sibling to turn to).

That being said, my mum and dad gave me a lovely life and it’d probably be much different had I had a sibling. Whatever decision you make will be right for you. I know other only children who aren’t phased at all.

madmara · 29/04/2021 21:02

The 3 friends I have who were only children have all gone on to have 3 and 4 children which I think speaks volumes

I think this can be said for any size of family. Most people I know have a different number of children than their parents.

I have an only dc. On the face of it, it's for fertility reasons but honestly I don't want another one. My dc is so happy and outgoing and so far hasn't asked about a sibling.

If he does, we'll deal with it in the same way that my friend who has a son and a daughter deals with her daughter when she asks for a sister and her son when he asks for a brother, i.e no matter what size family you have, your children will ask for a different dynamic at some point but somehow it's only the parents of only children that are made to feel guilty about it.

Meggymoo777 · 29/04/2021 21:17

I have an only child and I believe he is a very happy 11yr old, we are very close.

I have one sister, do not like or respect her, we have not spoken in 4 years, something I'm very happy about.

Kpo58 · 29/04/2021 21:22

I'm an only child and hate it and do feel very lonely as I was bullied through the time I was at school. For years I used to ask my parents for a sibling. It never happened. Even though I am now married and have 2 DC, I still feel that void of being an only.

Cattenberg · 29/04/2021 23:17

I was an only child until I was nearly eight. At times I wished I had a sibling, but I didn’t dwell on it much. I was very happy when my sister was born (I’m not sure I’d have been as thrilled with a brother at that age), but we didn’t have a huge amount in common.

As adults we get on fairly well, however, we only see each other 2-3 times a year. When our mum got very ill, I was relieved to have a sibling who cared about her as much as I did. But I found I couldn’t confide in my sister much, as she’s the practical pull-your-socks-up type. My best friend was far more supportive.

I have an only child and although I hoped to have two children, that probably won’t happen now. I have to remind myself that my daughter will probably be fine either way.

willowtree81 · 29/04/2021 23:25

I read an article about peoples experiences of being an only child. One quote always stuck with me, it was along the lines of "As an only child you know absolutely that YOU are the centre of your parents world and you never have to fight for that/ question it." Love that.

I really don't think you should feel pressured by society over something so big and personal to you. No one really cares what anyone else is doing, but you'll be the one living it.

willowtree81 · 29/04/2021 23:30

Just to add, only last week I caught my eldest on the computer - she was looking up "How to sell your sister" 🤣

paralysedbyinertia · 29/04/2021 23:47

@lightningpeach

Every situation is different and we felt the same at one point but so glad we had our second, its added a whole new fun dynamic that although is hard work (5 year age gap) has brought so much happiness to is all (including older sibling who wasnt keen when youngest arrived!). Also it may be coincidence, but I have three adult friends with no siblings in different friendship groups who all have very self absorbed tendencies. They seem very confident but can just carry on and expect the world to revolve around them. We love them all as part of our groups and they have other great qualities but all often do things without thinking of other people and have pissed off people because of this. Probably a massive generalisation but have noticed these three have similar attitudes.

I think this kind of comment is incredibly unhelpful and actually a bit stupid. Such lazy stereotypes. The negative qualities of people who are only children are always assumed to be because they are only children. The exact same qualities in a person with siblings are just put down to personality or whatever.

I know some incredibly self absorbed people who think the world revolves around them, and who regularly piss people off because they are so thoughtless. All of them have siblings. Only children don't have a monopoly on self-centred behaviour. FFS!

Nat6999 · 30/04/2021 00:07

Ds is an only child, I was nearly 38 when I had him & never has a successful pregnancy after, I had nearly died having him & I think it was my body's way of telling me that enough was enough. He is 17 now & quite happy being an only one. In his friendship group the majority are only children.

Ariannah · 30/04/2021 00:17

My cousin had a second child because she felt guilty about the first child being an only. They’re 20 and 23 now and they barely speak. They’re opposite sexes so even as kids they had their own friends and weren’t interested in playing with the same toys or watching the same films.

cakebythepound1234 · 30/04/2021 01:29

We have the one child and I wouldn't have it any other way. We were toying with the idea of having a second but for mental health reasons (mine) decided it would be for the best to leave it at one child. Our son did pester us for a sibling a couple of years ago but he hasn't mentioned it for a while now so I assume he's over it! We have a really lovely bond with him, he gets lots of attention and is so articulate about his feelings and so affectionate. He is super confident and loves playing with other kids, and is confident around adults too. He doesn't seem to be put out about being an only child. I'm not close to my brother and neither is my husband with his siblings, so for us we've never seen an issue with having one kid.

Navigationcentral · 30/04/2021 06:38

And the best thing is when you have two or more for them it’s like ‘us’ and ‘them’

Nope it’s not. Numerous parents of two are perfectly happy being a family of four without feeling like it’s us and them.

Checkingout811 · 30/04/2021 06:45

@Ariannah this is incredibly sad and the part of them as children I find the most sad. A 3 year gap and they didn’t watch or play with anything remotely similar? It seems so strange to me. I have 4 years between DC1 and DC2 and 5.5 years between DC1 and DC3 yet they all play together and watching the same films happily.
Obviously it happens, I just find it very sad.

Ginger1982 · 30/04/2021 06:55

@lightningpeach

Every situation is different and we felt the same at one point but so glad we had our second, its added a whole new fun dynamic that although is hard work (5 year age gap) has brought so much happiness to is all (including older sibling who wasnt keen when youngest arrived!). Also it may be coincidence, but I have three adult friends with no siblings in different friendship groups who all have very self absorbed tendencies. They seem very confident but can just carry on and expect the world to revolve around them. We love them all as part of our groups and they have other great qualities but all often do things without thinking of other people and have pissed off people because of this. Probably a massive generalisation but have noticed these three have similar attitudes.

Yes that is a massive, unhelpful generalisation. I know a fair number of people with siblings who are also selfish arseholes.

Mummyme87 · 30/04/2021 06:58

I think it’s completely up to you how many children you would like, it’s really no one else’s business and the child will be fine and have a lovely life I’m sure.
My own experience, well I was an only child until age 9, and I craved a sibling for years. All my friends had siblings and I was desperate for one. We aren’t close but we do get on

Thebookswereherfriends · 30/04/2021 07:04

My first, my last, my everything is a lovely, supportive Facebook page for those with one child. Whether you choose it or life chooses it for you it’s perfectly valid to have one child. Only children become the stereotype if the parents allow it through over-indulgence and unawareness. My only child is kind, caring and very sociable.

readingismycardio · 30/04/2021 07:09

I am an only child. I had a lovely childhood and life. My parents did want another child, but it wasn't possible. I have a great relationship with my parents. My DH has a sibling, but their relationship is distant and cold.

We don't have any children yet, we will soon ttc, but we already know we only want one ☺️ And it's okay.

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