SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

'I was talking about the gender pay gap as well as discrimination against women at work. Neither of these issues will change if women choose not to take a seat at the table'

I'm sorry but i think if women prefer to spend the early years with their children that is fine. There are plenty of women who choose to take a seat at the table and i don't think it's fair burdening sahm with the guilt and enormity of something like that.

I'm not now but I was for a good while - when the children were young.

I find working part time now is a good balance of mum time, work life and me time.

I've not worked since I met DH, he's always earned well and we moved in together quite quickly. I was unwell when we met so it worked for both of us for me to be at home resting and getting better. At the time he WFH so he could look after me. When I got better we decided I didn't need to work so I did all house chores- cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. Now we have kids he's a farmer and I still don't need to work- we're both very happy.

If I needed to, I would work but right now I don't and I'd rather raise my own kids than have someone else raise them. I worked in childcare settings for a few years and I would never send my kids to them! It wouldn't work for a lot of people, even if they can afford to be a SAHM but it works great for us.

Mothers are the very best primary care givers (in average circumstances of course), nursery is a compromise.

As a society we can't even give them a few years at home before being in full time education and then work?

I’ve enjoyed it most of the time. However I’m now desperate to get back to work now but can’t because of childcare issues and covid. In hindsight I wish I had worked part time, even just one day a week as now they are in school I am bored and not fulfilled at home.

@Popcornbetty

'I was talking about the gender pay gap as well as discrimination against women at work. Neither of these issues will change if women choose not to take a seat at the table'

I'm sorry but i think if women prefer to spend the early years with their children that is fine. There are plenty of women who choose to take a seat at the table and i don't think it's fair burdening sahm with the guilt and enormity of something like that.

I'd rather not be at the table, thank you. Wouldn't it be silly if we all wanted to be the same and fighting for the same jobs.

I doubt any of your issues will change until more women expect a career and a sahd, in reverse to what men want.
I think then we'll find equality.
But many women don't want that preferring to call such men cock lodgers.

I think parenting is totally NOT an example of something where ‘you get out what you put in’.
Teenagers in particular are walking evidence of this
You spend years blending organic cauliflower and choosing ethical party bags . You agonise over the SAHM debate. You obsess over schools and read ofsted reports at 3am. And still, STILL!!!!..... they wake up as Kevin the teenager on their 13th birthday. 🤷‍♀️

Some of us have chosen to work and were lucky enough to have a choice of progressing with their career and raising their children. Using childcare isn’t passing the raising to someone else.

If some want to be SAHP that’s good for them but don’t criticise those of us who work and raise a family. DT’s are now 21 so I can celebrate that our choices worked for our family. Happy parents and children.

I was a SAHM for 15 ish years and now only work part time from home.
We didn’t want our children to have a nanny or go to nursery or a childminder. When they were babies/toddlers I took them to playgroups and activities a few times a week, met friends or just spent time at home. They were probably some of my happiest times. When the kids got older and went to school, I obviously had lots of spare time which made life very easy for us both. We made the decision to make our life as stress free as possible and for me, work always brought lots of stress into my life.

I had a few comments from other parents and the in laws, especially when our youngest went to school, hinting that I ‘should’ get back to work now. I’m not sure why our choices bothered them so much. I’m very good at ignoring other people’s judgements so their comments never bothered me. Some people even tried to pry into our finances and asked how we could afford for me not to work. 😬 I did find that a bit annoying.

I’ve been doing some part time work, mostly at home for a few years now but only because it’s something I enjoy and I can still be around for our children and our dogs. I still get judged. 🤷🏻‍♀️ And I still don’t care.

Really interesting to read all these replies, lots of positive comments that make me feel better about being proud and happy to be in the position I am. I often feel I have to justify why I’m at home, why should I?
I had Dd later in life after almost 10 years of infertility and treatments..I’ve lived a full life with travel, living abroad, degrees, working full time previously and enjoying work. However, my ambitions now go into my Dd, that doesn’t mean my brain has turned to mush or I’m lacking intelligence. We have a really varied life full of nature, beach and wood walks, learning, crafts, days out etc and I have a wide group of friends also at home, all of these previously high achieving career/business women. I don’t receive any benefits, equally we’re not wealthy and we’ve had to cut back in so many ways. When I worked we booked trips away all the time, many holidays, nice lunches & dinners, clothes when I wanted and so on. I don’t have that now and sometimes it does get to me when I’m in my sometimes scruffy clothes, but then I remind myself that to have that again, I need to go back to work,
I’ve worked in Early years settings and as a pp said, I didn’t like the thought of putting Dd in, some have been fantastic, but many weren’t.
On the bad days, I think wistfully back to my working days when I could think for a second or have lunch in peace or having a laugh with colleagues..but I wouldn’t change it and know one day I’ll look back and yearn for these days, right now.
I just wish we were valued more and more provision was given for mother’s that do wish to stay at home.

I was a SAHM for about 8 months and hated it. I need interaction with adults so after 6 months I got a job and my dd went to a sitter, then eventually to day care. She LOVED it, she preferred being around other children as she's very social and loves to stay busy. I think my perfect scenario would to be to work part -time and SAHM part - time if I had to do it again.

I’ve had a lockdown baby, our first. I love my work abs my partner abs I both have a lot of flexibility with our time. 15m ds goes to nursery twice a week for 5 hours to get social interaction and give us a break- toddler groups and library still not open so it’s quite limited for him otherwise! We tag team childcare. I love my work- work 3 days a week on my own business and spend the rest with him. I would definitely not want to work full time or have him away from us for ten hours a day and such. I feel bad for parents who are forced into that for financial reasons. We also struggled a lot to have him so it means the world to be there with him but I probably wouldn’t want to not work at all....

I just wish we were valued more

You have to not care about what others think. My partner and children value me, and I value myself. If others don’t, who cares. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Nevermindgeorge - what provision would you want for those who decide to stay at home?

@Parker231 For those who wish to stay at home really. I have many friends who’d love to but can’t financially and it was almost the same for us, but we’re luckily scraping by with it, just.

I'm currently at home as I haven't gone back to work after covid yet. Weighing up my options to go back and I don't think it is financially worth it, after childcare and a travelcard, I'd be bringing home about £60 a month (of course childcare would be a shared cost but still). DP is happy for me to quit work all together and support us all including my DS who isn't his.

I do enjoy being at home with DD but I'm a bit bored though, she's only 18 months so in to everything and doesn't say much but I honestly cannot bare the thought of mummy and baby groups, it's nice now the weather is better so we can go for little walks etc.
I do miss parts of my job though, the people and the social aspect, but not enough to say I most definitely want to go back.
My son says its nice to have me at home to pick him up from school etc as I worked FT from when he was 8 months old to when he was 5 and half so that's nice to know.

I just wish we were valued more and more provision was given for mother’s that do wish to stay at home.

In the nicest possible way, the value that you create is for the benefit of your own family. You should therefore be valued by your immediate family, but I'm not really sure why you would expect others to care either way?

@Nevermindgeorge - do you want government funding to stay at home?

I love it. I can't imagine any job being more important or preferable to spending time raising my DC.

There are so many groups to go to, activities to do, places to go with a small child and helping them grow and develop is incredible.

I did enjoy my job and miss it occasionally but I wanted to be a mother for so long and there's just no way I'd have been willing to hand my baby over to anyone else.

It's definitely not right for everyone but it can be very fulfilling.

@Parker231 I’m not really sure what the solution is. I have some Swedish and Danish friends and the way raising children is seen and valued is very different to in the U.K.

For example

[quote Parker231]@Nevermindgeorge - do you want government funding to stay at home?[/quote]
Arguably I'd be costing the Govt money in childcare help if I worked and job seekers if I looked for work so....

I'm a SAHM. I love it and it's definitely for me but it suits some and not others. As for the negativity surrounding my choice (and it was a choice, not expected or forced on me by DH or anyone else) I only ever get that on mumsnet. My friends, family, previous colleagues & strangers I chat to are perfectly accepting of it. That said, I would only do this if the circumstances were right - married, sizeable income, own financial independence (i.e. savings to fall back on), friends and family to see in the week to avoid being lonely or bored. I feel fortunate to be able to have this time with my DC.

I'm a SAHM and I enjoy it but it's definitely on for a limited time. For us, it was the only sensible option:

I had two babies 1 year apart

Double childcare cost more than I earned

No family around for free childcare

My wages were very low next to my self employed husband (I'd had to have a career change a few years before for health reasons so was doing admin work) so it made zero sense for him to go p/t

Because of the way the eldest birthday fell she's only just become eligible for subsidised hours (she's 3y 3m)

We were relocating anyway, and this took MONTHS (we have only just moved) and so I'd have needed to find a new job anyway

The first Covid lockdown happened shortly before I was due to go back after having my second, and there was no way I was wfh with a 1 and 2 yo only to hand my notice in a fe months later for relocating

So , all signs pointed towards me sticking it out at home for a while. It's offered our household a log of consistency through a fairly chaotic time, it's not affected us financially and I do feel lucky to have had the choice to take a break from work. BUT (partly due to Covid) it has been immensely isolating at times and very challenging in terms of entertaining both girls at home all day every day. I feel that if it weren't for Covid I'd have enjoyed the past year a lot more.

I'm hoping that the girls can do some hours in childcare (with some help from family now that we have moved) from August this year, and that I'll be back at work within a year of that (I'd like to do some studying first).

I think it's been a really good thing for our family for me to have this time at home, I'm not sure how we'd have coped otherwise .... but if I thought i was going to be a SAHM when my girls were school age I think I'd feel quite frustrated. I really did enjoy work too !

Also, I have definitely never ever felt "looked down upon" . In my friendship groups people do tend to understand and even say things like "hats off to you I couldn't do it !"

I think, providing I do some study and return to a decent job in the next couple of years, I will look back upon this career break as a very good move and feel very grateful to have been at home when my little ones were ... little 💖

I can't imagine any job being more important or preferable to spending time raising my DCwell arguably my son's surgeons job is more important than them being a SAHP in terms of how easily their skill set can be replaced. But going back to work isn't actually about people thinking their job is more important than looking after their child, it's about needing to provide for their child and doing what's right for their family