SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

@Checkingout811

From experience, the parents I’ve spoken to who felt they “needed more” than being a SAHP were the ones who did the bare minimum with their children during the day. No wonder it’s tedious for some.

You get out what you put in.

That’s really unpleasant. Implying that personality types who don’t get all their fulfilment from pre-schoolers are just shit parents. So nasty

Is it so hard to understand that people are just different and that some people will never feel personally fulfilled by childcare, however many stimulating activities and trips they plan and do? I hope you’re not teaching your children to be so narrow minded, sneery and intolerant of differences.

Oh I must add - I am married , own half the house and if we split up I'd be ok financially. I'd have been very wary of giving up my job If I were not married, or if I had a husband who was in anyway mean with money .

Not that I think we will split up ! But i did go into this with my eyes open and a clear plan of how / when I would return to work.

@paralysedbyinertia

I just wish we were valued more and more provision was given for mother’s that do wish to stay at home.

In the nicest possible way, the value that you create is for the benefit of your own family. You should therefore be valued by your immediate family, but I'm not really sure why you would expect others to care either way?

Because we need young people to join the workforce to pay for our old age.

Children benefit all of us, for the most part

[quote Nevermindgeorge]@Parker231 I’m not really sure what the solution is. I have some Swedish and Danish friends and the way raising children is seen and valued is very different to in the U.K.[/quote]
I thought Scandinavian countries had more low cost childcare and women were expected to return to work?

[quote Nevermindgeorge]@Parker231 I’m not really sure what the solution is. I have some Swedish and Danish friends and the way raising children is seen and valued is very different to in the U.K.[/quote]
Sahp will not be valued until society isn't driven to work all the hours God sends.
It's the same for sahd's in fact worse at times as they are referred to as cock lodgers, even though it's a decision made by both partners.
Some people don't want to earn a salary and contribute to making the fat cats fatter.
We never left children in childcare it just isn't part of our culture either. Not really something we would have considered.
To me it seemed silly to pay someone else to look after them when we had them, and are capable parents.

Because we need young people to join the workforce to pay for our old age.

Children benefit all of us, for the most part

I completely agree, but what's that got to do with SAHP?

No. Especially now. It’s stifling and boring. I’m an accidental SAHM. I normally go back at 12mths. I fear I’ve been off work so long it will be really difficult to go back. I need a job for my sake, to add extras to life that make it living not existing and to future proof myself. You can be very trapped without your own income and no way to change your situation.

I think it depends on where you live/your social circle. I live in a small village and almost every mother I know is a SAHM. In my daughter's class at school for instance out of 20 kids , two mothers work.

I think you are either career minded or you're not . My sister has worked very hard to get to where she is in her career and I think she is amazing. She has two children who are in childcare from 7am till 7 pm 6 days a week. More people in our family/friend group has passed negative comment on that than about me being a sahm.

I thinks it's only on mumsnet that I've ever seen negative comments made about being a sahm. My husband works very long hours and makes enough money to pay for everything. If I was to work it would be for minimum wage and most of my wage would go on childcare for my younger ones. I would be stressed and thinly spread.

I enjoy being a sahm and will continue to do so for a good few years to come yet. Also a few people have made snarky comments about influencing my daughter's to be as 'lazy' as I am , both my older daughters work full-time and love it.

Nice in their early years. Can be hard get into employment if big gaps. Whatever works for you though. Can be hard get time off for kids apts

I'm a sahm with no say in the matter tbh. There is no choice for me. It's very hard I'm also a single mum so feel I'm doubly judged if you know what I mean. Shit when life doesn't go the way you expect

Very happy. I feel so privileged to be able to spend so much time with my children. I know they would be fine if I was at work full time but I always knew I wanted to be at home in the early years and I really, really enjoy it - so I mainly made the choice for me. I was also a teacher though and lucky that it is so easy to get back into - I've started tutoring in my evenings now and looking to going back part time when my youngest starts school in a couple of years.

I think you are either career minded or you're not . My sister has worked very hard to get to where she is in her career and I think she is amazing. She has two children who are in childcare from 7am till 7 pm 6 days a week. More people in our family/friend group has passed negative comment on that than about me being a sahm.

To be fair that’s a very extreme example. Those children are spending almost all their waking hours in childcare, it’s basically their home. I’m not surprised that has raised some eyebrows. The reality for the vast majority of working parents is nothing like that, despite what a lot of SAHMs on Mumsnet would like to believe. Many of us juggle our commitments as a family and maintain two careers around, say, three days of nursery for the children.

@Devlesko - everyone is different. I wanted to continue with my career and we found excellent childcare (am still in touch with them 21 years later).

I'm a SAHM. My son is 5 and a half and I have a 7 month old.
I've loved it. Though it is so hard and often lonely. You're right that people look down on it though.

@paralysedbyinertia

Because we need young people to join the workforce to pay for our old age.

Children benefit all of us, for the most part

I completely agree, but what's that got to do with SAHP?

I was refuting this statement:

In the nicest possible way, the value that you create is for the benefit of your own family.

It's all about criticising women.
Women are criticised for working and yet also criticised for not working.
We are criticised for having children too young or having children too old, we are criticised for having too many or too few children. We are criticised for not having children.
Men certainly do not receive anything like the same level of criticism or judgement for their work and parenting choices.

As women we do not need to buy into criticising the choices of other women. We are all making the best choices we can in our own circumstances.

I think it would be better to spend time trying to address structural problems within our society that financially disadvantage women. SAHMs are often particularly vulnerable to the risk of personal financial disadvantage for many different reasons and for some the decision to be a SAHM can cause a huge financial problem in later life.

I was refuting this statement:*

In the nicest possible way, the value that you create is for the benefit of your own family.

But it's true that the value is to your family not society because children without SAHPs still grow up as functional adults who contribute to society. You being a SAHP is only a benefit to society if you believe your child is intrinsically better for having a SAHP than another child who's in childcare

I'm a sahm, have been for the last four years. My eldest starts school in September so I'm going back to work (part time) then. I'm also a teacher. I really loved being at home with my kids but the pandemic ruined it. I enjoyed days out, toddler groups etc. This last year has been so lonely. Having said that I think it would be time to go back anyway as I don't want a huge gap on my employment history. I'm really looking forward to going back in September.

I agree it's looked down on in the UK. Constant questions about when you are going back etc. For me as I have more than one child the cost of childcare hardly made it worth it anyway. I'm incredibly grateful and fortunate to have had my time at home. Wouldn't change it.

I think women really can't win. You are criticised for working or staying at home. I've found some of the comments on MN about sahms scathing and patronising. I find it sad that it's women knocking other women's choices.

@SleepingStandingUp

I was refuting this statement:*

In the nicest possible way, the value that you create is for the benefit of your own family.

But it's true that the value is to your family not society because children without SAHPs still grow up as functional adults who contribute to society. You being a SAHP is only a benefit to society if you believe your child is intrinsically better for having a SAHP than another child who's in childcare

Well no, I'm adding to the future workforce, while not competing in the current workforce.

I think you are either career minded or you're not . My sister has worked very hard to get to where she is in her career and I think she is amazing. She has two children who are in childcare from 7am till 7 pm 6 days a week.

Well that's pretty extreme. Is she a single parent? I do think within a couple there should be some give and take so the kids aren't doing 60 hours of childcare.
But generally it isn't as simple as career minded or not. Not everyone with a "career" is well paidm. Of full time child care costs your family money or you're only £50 richer than having a SAHP, of your child has additional needs, job losses, multiples, pregnancies close together, even just a change in your perspective can mean someone who was always career focused and successful changing their mind, at least for 5 years

I'm returning to a career I love 4 months after having my second baby- and I find myself having to repeatedly explain and justify why I don't want to be a sahm so my experience has been the opposite really.

I guess the reason there is little / no government financial incentive for SAHM is that it doesn’t benefit the government in the short term and that seems to be important to the government IMO. I was a SAHM for 8 years, until dd2 was 5. I absolutely loved it and wouldn’t change those years for the world. I didn’t feel looked down on in the UK but abroad it was less understood. I was then straight back into full time work and my XH (who hated me being a SAHM) left me a few months later so I’m jolly glad I was earning my own money. Life can be ironic sometimes can’t it!!

Well no, I'm adding to the future workforce, while not competing in the current workforce well all parents contribute to future workforce. So your arguement is by not working you're creating less competition for jobs which benefits society. That's nothing to do with being a parent.

@KillerFlamingo

I love it. I can't imagine any job being more important or preferable to spending time raising my DC.

I would see any job that keeps a roof over your family's heads and food in their bellies as more important to be honest.

I love my job and career but that doesn't mean I don't love my children. I am a better mother for working as it's what I need. And my feelings are just as important as my children's to be honest...if I had stayed at home any longer than I did I would have had a mental breakdown. It's not for everyone unfortunately.

I've been one for just over 3 years now since my youngest was born. Eldest is 5. I wouldn't say I love it, but it has worked well for us as a family. We relocated, DH got a new job (not 9-5), then Covid hit, so its been 'easier' to manage with me at home. I hope to have a part time job by the end of this year though, I need something for me!

I've never felt judged, certainly noone has voiced that opinion. A few have said I deserve a medal though