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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

542 replies

Nevermindgeorge · 29/04/2021 09:10

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

OP posts:
Embracingthechaos · 29/04/2021 12:37

SAHM to 2 and I wouldn't change it for the world. I am in constant awe of how fast my children grow up. It really is going by in the blink of an eye and I don't want to miss it. Once they've all started school I'll probably go back to work, but whilst they are so little I am focusing on them and enjoying this time. I've probably got at least another 30 years of working ahead of me before I hit retirement. My kids are only little for a tiny fraction of that time.

Newpuppymummy · 29/04/2021 12:39

I am currently a stay at home mum. I’m actually a foster carer as well so kind of working from home mum. For our family at has been the very best a thing. As well as being beneficial to the children it was very important to me to be there as much as I could and spend as much time as possible with them while they were young.

RowanAlong · 29/04/2021 12:39

I agree it’s a tricky position to be in as SAHM as from the outside you seem to be doing damage to the movement for women’s equality (which we all want).
I’m looking at it as a job, though, a short-term break from paid working in order to give my kids a good foundation before they start school, in a way that I also find fulfilling. I put a lot of energy, thought and time into them that I’d otherwise be putting into a job. Not just plonking them in front of the tv.

firstimemamma · 29/04/2021 12:39

I absolutely love being a SAHM and feel like it's my life's true purpose. I have a nearly 3 year old ds and can't wait to have more. It's hard and relentless but it's amazing and fulfilling too. I'm in England.

My day to day life (when DP is working) looks like:
Morning routine / washing cloth nappies
Our somewhere - park, shops, outing of some sort!
Dinner then spending time with ds.
Cleaning, garden work and more laundry as and when I can squeeze it in!
Tea then bedtime routine
Evenings - time for me / any jobs.

notagainmummy · 29/04/2021 12:44

I was for 8 years, then returned to work. Enjoyed every minute of it. So did DH as I did all the grunt work. Back at work, mainly part time. Not affected job, and only a small drop in pension forecast. It was great to have that mixture of life experiences and avoid the stress of arranging childcare to small children.

Checkingout811 · 29/04/2021 12:46

Im a SAHM by choice and I am completely happy and couldn’t care less if anyone looks down their nose at, that’s their problem!
It might be different if we struggled financially, but I get to live a life which, to me, is perfect and I feel incredibly lucky to be in this position. I don’t see my position as something to be looked down on, I see it as extremely fortunate. Others have differing opinions and that’s fine. This is mine and I love my life.

whiteroseredrose · 29/04/2021 12:47

My years as a SAHM were the best years of my life.

I had a career previously but didn't feel defined by it. Some people have said that they were bored etc but it depends what you do with your time.

I helped run a playgroup, ran the school library and made lots of friends. Never, never bored. The only place I've ever been bored is at work!!

DH and I both agreed that I would look after DC myself. His mother was a SAHM whereas mine worked. His experience growing up was much better than mine so for us it was a no brainier.

I'm now looking forward to retirement so I can be the mistress of my time again rather than a wage slave.

I must say that I never returned to my career as it just took up too much time, long days and several weeks away at conferences etc. So I'm now in a 9-5 and much happier.

Sleepisoverrated150 · 29/04/2021 12:47

It shouldn’t be looked down upon at all but I agree it is.

I would be a sahm in a heart beat if I could, I’m always jealous to be honest! I loved being on mat leave and hate being back at work

redferrari · 29/04/2021 12:48

I was a sahm for 4.5 years and loved it. I enjoyed every moment with my son till he went back to school. I used to live close to a nursery and somehow felt the kids there never got any attention and I couldn't imagine dropping him there. I was lucky that I was able to do this. The only reason I went back to work is I was able to find something that fitted well with school timings and worked well for us as a family and role was suitable to the experience I had. I cherish the memories I had without having to rush. I had comments from friends about how they can't imagine being stuck with a baby all day and nursery gave them a relief but never let it bother me as I just took it as their opinion and what worked for them and thankfully this didn't affect the friendship. In fact I have helped them with child care for emergencies when I could. I'd say do what suits you and your family only they matter.

Rover83 · 29/04/2021 12:49

We've never needed to use formal childcare for my children. We are very lucky in my opinion and my mum has them one day a week and then I work opposite my husband so he has them while I work and vice versa. Some people hate the idea of this as it means we don't have any family time but it works for us and it meant we could use a charity run preschool for a few hours a week from age 2 to build up their socialisation skills.

Personally I think I would be happy as a SAHM, however there is absolutely no way we could afford to cut our family income in half. I have never judged a SAHM only in that they are very lucky that they can afford not to work. Even without kids if I didn't need to work I wouldn't be

gobackanddoitproperly · 29/04/2021 12:53

I worked for almost 20 years before having children and worked part time for a total of about 3 years in their younger years before leaving work alltogether when the youngest was about 6. Youngest is now 14. Loved it. Life was so much easier. Even working part time (4 days) and raising 3 kids and before and after school care and the odd work trip etc was super tricky.

The only thing I might change is going back to work after each maternity leave. My preference would be to have them cared for by a parent for at least the first 3 years. But they've turned out ok.

I agree it's a risk to 'give up' your career. But I also think you can get back your earning potential if you have plenty of years' worth of work experience under your belt. And there is no 'your money' and 'my money' when you've been a healthy earner pre-kids. I'd worked in a post-university professional capacity for a good 16 years or so before I had children. Now I'm working again from home in a skilled job with potential for progression if I want it (which I don't).

gobackanddoitproperly · 29/04/2021 12:56

@Embracingthechaos

SAHM to 2 and I wouldn't change it for the world. I am in constant awe of how fast my children grow up. It really is going by in the blink of an eye and I don't want to miss it. Once they've all started school I'll probably go back to work, but whilst they are so little I am focusing on them and enjoying this time. I've probably got at least another 30 years of working ahead of me before I hit retirement. My kids are only little for a tiny fraction of that time.
My oldest is coming up to 16 in a few months and I swear it was only last year I was holding her tiny finger as she was practicing her walking...
Dipi79 · 29/04/2021 13:07

I'm a solo parent of twin toddlers, a solo parent, on benefits; I think I would probably be looked down upon by the vast majority of people?
I have had a lot of issues, hence why I am currently not working. When I have childcare hours, I will be able to volunteer to improve my CV AND build my confidence. I don't want to be a SAHM by the time the twins are school age.
I think people in my position might be looked down upon because of being on benefits! I don't know. I'm an intelligent, capable person, but MH issues impeded my ability to work.
I digress.
I am looking forward to a return to some form of employment in order to society and, hopefully, be a better role model to my daughters than my mother was to me!

Dipi79 · 29/04/2021 13:09

Loads of typos in my post, which I can't edit. 🤦🤦🤦

Pembelimum · 29/04/2021 13:09

I would absolutely LOVE to be a SAHM. Not possible in my case as I'm the breadwinner In our household. My children are growing up so fast and I wish I could slow it down to spend more time with them. If you're able to SAH enjoy every precious minute. You feel like it isn't valued by others? Don't worry about what they think, it's your life and your family.

rbmilliner · 29/04/2021 13:09

I've had being a SAHM forced on me due to covid and other circumstances (took over the house renovation, now a DIY expert:)) and I have to say I don't regret it at all.

I always felt like I had to work right from the moment she was born, not taking any maternity leave, just muddling through, some how.
Having this time with her has been priceless and I've been able to enjoy her and I'm really looking forward to our last summer together before she starts school.
I will work once she's at school but I will never regret this time I've had with her

TheDailyCarbunkle · 29/04/2021 13:14

Having stayed at home with my eldest for a while, my opinion on being a SAHM is that it's very bad idea in the society we live in.

In this society, looking after children is not counted as work - you don't get any pay, any recognition and minimal pension contributions. Staying at home to look after children puts a parent in a very vulnerable position. That absolutely shouldn't be the case - raising the next generation should not be seen as a valueless act - but it is. That's based in misogyny of course - it's women's work and therefore must be done in the background without interfering with the Important Work that men do. The very idea of paying someone to raise the future of the human race is seen as ridiculous - women are supposed to do it for free, out of love and other such lofty ideals.

In that context, IMO, being SAHM is risky. If you have at least some work history, if things go wrong - you break up with your partner, your partner dies or loses their job - then you have some backup, some way of keeping things running. If you've had years at home, that's frowned up on in so many job situations - getting a job is very hard, even just from the point of view of finding one in the first place.

It should absolutely be possible for a parent to stay at home with children and for it to be a positive choice for everyone. It often is great for the children and great for the working parent, who have someone constantly at home organising everything and making their lives easier. But for the SAHP it's a really shit deal. Apart from the financial risks, I've seen too many SAHMs lose their identity and become the person the family takes for granted - the dogsbody everyone relies on to be there at all times with no personal needs or dreams of their own. Being very focused on the family works when the children are small but what happens when they grow up and become independent? Many mothers find their stride again, get back into work, reclaim their own place, but many (and I know quite a few) don't - they're lost, no one sees them, they don't have a clue how to be anything other than the person their family relies on. I've also seen situations where, when the SAHM tries to get her own life back, the family gives her hell - she's not supposed to need or want anything and her desires are very inconvenient. When my best friend was going back to work after being a SAHM for about 7 years she talked about finding a job that fit in around school and not having too much of a commute. I said to her 'you've been the one accommodating everyone for years, why do you have to jump through so many hoops, why can't your DH change his hours or make sure he can do schools runs etc?' She had genuinely not even considered that her DH had some responsibility and that she could and should look for a job that she actually wanted to do rather than just one that suited everyone else.

It's so easy to become nothing and nobody in a world that doesn't value mothers and the work they do. It'd be great if that could change.

ChocOrange1 · 29/04/2021 13:15

Not sure i count as SAHM as I do work evenings self employed. However I am at home all day with the kids and don't use childcare, so I fit some definitions. Mine are 1 and 4. The older one goes to preschool 3 mornings a week (we could have funding for 5 mornings but 3 is enough).

I went back to work for 6 months after having DD1 and hated it. Was being a crap employee and a crap mother. Luckily my husband had a promotion around the same time so I was able to afford to leave my job and go self employed. I love it. The balance is great for us and I wouldn't change it.

PerspicaciousGreen · 29/04/2021 13:18

I'm very happy with my decision to be a SAHM. Day to day it can be really tough at the moment because I've got a 3yo and 1yo and am pregnant with #3. I am deeply looking forward to there being no one under one in this house! But I have no plans to return to work.

I am also intelligent and independent which is actually why I enjoy being a SAHM so much. I can pursue my own interests and not sign my time and energy over to a company. I read widely and deeply and before being bedridden with pregnancy was dabbling with novel writing. I have also plunged deep into regenerative agriculture and environmental issues. I have a far more intellectually fulfilling life than if I had to spend eight hours a day designing widgets for pay and waste a my thoughtpower on someone else's projects.

I am looking forward to a life when the only bottom I have to wipe is my own, and when certain projects I am interested in will be more feasible (dangerous chemicals + toddlers, anyone?), but I have a far more fulfilling inner life now than when I was working.

PerspicaciousGreen · 29/04/2021 13:19

Also, we're thinking of homeschooling, so there may never be a "when they are all at school" for us!

notalwaysalondoner · 29/04/2021 13:21

Very interested in this as I'm in a very 'career' type job and expecting my first in July - had always wanted to be a SAHM but do feel worried about the financial vulnerability it puts me in. I earn the same as DH and we're both extremely high earners, but also realise that means it's unrealistic I could go back in at the same level in even a few years' time. But on the other hand, I don't want to miss their preschool years, as I'm sure it will fly by. Maybe I should just have them so close together I'm basically on maternity leave for several years in a row...

SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2021 13:21

@Kottbullar

The only thing I would say as I work PT and meet a variety of mums at groups/parks etc on my days off is that I don't often feel I have as much in common with SAHP as I do working/working PT parents.

I find these kind of comments baffling. The things I have in common with my friends don't relate in any way to work.

I value my own identity and career and find I tend to have more in contact with like minded parents

I assume that it's because op and her working friends have personalities and identities whereas those of us who are SAHMs just call each other Mummy and only talk about whether Dolores has had a poo and what grade Titus got on his test last week. I don't even know how I'm managing to have am option on here I'm so mindless

Babdoc · 29/04/2021 13:22

I was widowed when the DC were babies, so staying at home was never an option- I had to earn a living. Fortunately, I had gone back to work after six months maternity leave, so just built up to full time and hired a nanny.
I hated being at home anyway - if I’d been stuck there as a SAHM, isolated and grieving, I would have gone crazy.
Much better for the DC to have a cheery professional nanny than a bereaved and devastated mum who’d lost her soulmate.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2021 13:26

@notalwaysalondoner

Very interested in this as I'm in a very 'career' type job and expecting my first in July - had always wanted to be a SAHM but do feel worried about the financial vulnerability it puts me in. I earn the same as DH and we're both extremely high earners, but also realise that means it's unrealistic I could go back in at the same level in even a few years' time. But on the other hand, I don't want to miss their preschool years, as I'm sure it will fly by. Maybe I should just have them so close together I'm basically on maternity leave for several years in a row...
My friend did, a little unplanned in that she concieved quicker than expected but yeah, she went back off mat leave pregnant so had a lot of time at home with a bit back at work in the middle. Now she's back at work until retirement and about to be made partner with young kids. Def worked better than a bigger gap
Thisisthepoint · 29/04/2021 13:26

I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years and am currently job-hunting as I’ve had enough. I have, however, enjoyed my time with DC and wouldn’t change it for the world.

I haven’t had much judgement to my face, although the worst was at my DC’s 4th birthday party when an old friend came up to me 3 times over the course of the party saying “Ugh, I can’t BELIEVE you’re still at home with DC. As much as I love my DS I couldn’t stand being with him all the time. Ugh God, I just don’t know how you do it.” And all with a look of distaste on her face,

My two other friends sat there in silence while she said this on 3 occasions, and as they had all travelled to the party together I guessed they had been discussing my circumstances. Why can’t women either support each other’s decisions or mind their own business?!

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