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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

542 replies

Nevermindgeorge · 29/04/2021 09:10

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

OP posts:
tigerbread20 · 30/04/2021 07:24

We've recently "trialled" me being a SAHM. Have DS 5, DD 2 and pregnant with number 3. It's been 2.5 months and I go back to work today Grin
I found it lonely and depressing, I spent the whole day tidying and cleaning the house as we were home more and it still looked a state when DH came home. I guess it's horses for courses but it was awful for me

partyatthepalace · 30/04/2021 07:36

I don’t think SAHPs are looked down on in the UK if they are looking after preschool kids - that is obviously a job. I don’t think it’s better or worse for kids, any stable environment and good care will be fine, but for some families it makes sense either because a parent wants to do it, or because it’s financially better. I do think that people are increasingly conscious of the need not to take too long out, and to keep in touch with your career - but that’s because there were a couple of generations of woman who got totally financially shafted by divorce or early widowhood, and life is less secure than it used to be.

I am sure some individuals might judge, some people are like that - but from your posts I think this is as much about your defensiveness as anyone else’s judging of you - you also appear to think staying at home is better for kids than other care. You are entitled to that view, but others can pick up on it.

partyatthepalace · 30/04/2021 07:42

@Devlesko

I'm a sahm just Grin dd due to leave school next year. I chose to be as soon as I gave birth, can't explain I just decided it was right for us. I don't care if people look down on me tbh, as long as you are happy it shouldn't matter what others think. My day is anything I choose it to be and always has been. No two days are the same as I hate repetitiveness, and doing the same thing day in day out. My dh is about a lot though so there's never been any loneliness, we are a close family and still spend a lot of time together now two are grown ups, one with dc of his own. I've never liked my time managed nor routine so it has suited me well.
....I have to say though, if I was an SAHP I would find posts like this annoying. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work if you don’t need to - but you can’t call yourself an SAHP once your kids are properly at school. In this case, you are a housewife.
beachsidecafe · 30/04/2021 07:49

I live in the SE and most of our group work in London, and I see A LOT of non parenting and selfish parents that put their careers, social lives and holidays before all else.
You can be as shocked as you like, but I found it really really sad to see babies and children falling so far down the list of priorities of so many parents. The nannies, childminders and nurseries are absolutely parenting and raising the children they look after. No question.

I won't lie - I think it is appalling, and I can not see the point in having children if you only ever see them at the weekends, and the odd holiday here or there because most of their waking life is spent away from you.

MiddlesexGirl · 30/04/2021 08:04

I was a SAHM in the UK and it was absolutely the right decision. There was no way I was putting my children in full time daycare; even if it would have been been cost effective they would never have got the level of attention and frankly expertise that they got from me. I regretted even the part-time daycare that my eldest two had.

It's extremely condescending to suggest that being a SAHP is not suitable for intellectually oriented people. You make your intellectual stimulation. You find groups and activities with and without the children that feed that need. Yes some elements of looking after kids can be dull or stressful but that's the same with most jobs and the same with looking after kids part-time.

Yes, your career, if you had one, takes a hit. All that means is that you will be very unlikely to earn what you could have if you hadn't taken those years off work. It doesn't mean you can't find fulfilling employment ever again. It does mean you should ensure your partner (preferably spouse) can support you or you have alternative financial means.

I've never felt judged anywhere except on here. I guess the difference is that people that know me can see the person I am and therefore respect the decision I have made as being right and good for me and my family.

MiddlesexGirl · 30/04/2021 08:07

There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work if you don’t need to - but you can’t call yourself an SAHP once your kids are properly at school. In this case, you are a housewife.

Some teenagers need just as much parenting as pre-schoolers; not just if they have difficulties but also supporting activities. So absolutely yes, you are still a SAHP - the children don't suddenly disappear. And if you farm out the cleaning then you're hardly a housewife Grin

EssentialHummus · 30/04/2021 08:16

I did it for a year or so with DD, after mat leave. I found it very lonely. If there were more SAHMs it would have been fine I think. As it was all my mum friends went back to work four days a week (the same four days!) and I suddenly felt I was on my own with the baby/toddler. There weren't enough groups etc to look forward to. We ended up getting one day of childcare a week, slowly up to 2.5 days a week now that she's 3.5 years old, and that felt like the right balance for us.

Parker231 · 30/04/2021 08:18

@beachsidecafe - you must live in a different world to me. We live in central London and are still in touch with the parents of many of DT’s friends from nursery and throughout their schooling. The majority have two full time working parents and non of us live and parent the way you are describing.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/04/2021 08:28

Most people can't afford to be a SAHP in the UK, and I do think there's judgement of anyone who relies on UC to do it.

That said, I don't think anyone judges SAHP of children below school age. Childcare is expensive for young children, lots of settings won't offer full 30 hours funding.

I do somewhat judge SAHPs with school age children as wraparound care is much cheaper than nurseries, and barring perhaps parents of kids with SEN or health issues, there's no way housework and life admin fills the 25-30 hours a week children are at school. I guess at that point I would consider it a somewhat lazy choice and quite unfair on the parent wohm to bear all the financial responsibility.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 30/04/2021 08:37

Both DH and I agreed that we didn't want DS is wrap around care (personal choice based on our own experiences as children). DH also really appreciates that all he has to do is work as I pick up all the housework, admin etc. It is really helpful at the moment as we are in the process of selling our house and buying at the other end of the country. By picking up the vast majority of the work during the week the stress is kept off my family.

I worked until very recently and was so stressed that adding a move on would probably have finished me off. We all benefit from a more laid back life and DH doesn't think it is unfair at all.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/04/2021 08:39

I was at home with DD when DS was 2.5 and we had the question of whether to start him at the local preschool. I would actually say that while he enjoyed it, the benefits and social side to him kicked in around age 3, he started wanting to be there and asking to go extra days as he had real friends he wanted to play with. He was gutted when it was closed for Covid for a bit.

I think parents should be supported to remain off with children for more like 2 years than the current 1 for maternity leave, and given as much support as possible to work part time/flexibly before children start school.

MattyGroves · 30/04/2021 08:49

This is a really artificial debate. Lots of SAHMs use childcare of various sorts - grandparents, preschool etc - and lots of working parents work around their kids or part time.

I know one couple who both work three days a week and the day they both work, their kids are with grandparents. I know a SAHM who uses a childminder one day a week. Pretty much the same from the kids perspective!

nancywhitehead · 30/04/2021 08:50

I just don’t understand why it’s so looked down on, especially in the U.K.? Isn’t it an amazing thing for a child to be with its mother?

I absolutely don't look down on it, but I think that children also really benefit from being in nursery and socialising with other children and adults. They experience things that they can't through staying home with parents and become more independent.

There is a balance to be struck and obviously lots of time with parents is important. But personally I don't think that being with parents all of the time is the best thing for a child once they are 2/3 years of age.

HelloMissus · 30/04/2021 08:52

When my DC were in school, I knew a lot of SAHMs (very wealthy area, private school).
And I ended up doing to too for a couple of years due to a move and an extended maternity leave and then a now-what moment.
Then I got an interesting work opportunity and I took it.
Many said I would regret it. That my family wouldn’t thrive. That I’d be exhausted. That my DH would be unhappy. That I’d miss out on so much.
Fast forward many years and my DC are all grown up and doing great. Really great.
And I now have an amazing career and business. I do get a bit Hmm when people tell me I’m so lucky, especially the same women who told me I’d regret it.

paralysedbyinertia · 30/04/2021 08:57

[quote Parker231]@beachsidecafe - you must live in a different world to me. We live in central London and are still in touch with the parents of many of DT’s friends from nursery and throughout their schooling. The majority have two full time working parents and non of us live and parent the way you are describing.[/quote]
I don't recognise the world that
@beachsidecafe
describes either. It's totally alien to me. We don't live in the south east any more, but we have lots of friends who still do, and their lives aren't like that either.

It sounds like @beachsidecafe has a very narrow social circle with lots of unusually cold, materialistic people who don't have any interest in their children, and she is extrapolating from that to make generalisations about all WOHPs that are wildly inaccurate. Or she is making assumptions about how these people live that aren't actually backed up by their reality. Or she is just exaggerating in order to make her point.

I'm very curious though to know what she meant by "our group". Can't be a baby group, as the terribly busy and uninterested WOHPs that she describes clearly wouldn't bother with something like that. Can't be a friendship group as she clearly can't stand any of them. Just wondering what kind of group she is referring to.Confused

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2021 09:11

there's no way housework and life admin fills the 25-30 hours a week children are at school. I guess at that point I would consider it a somewhat lazy choice and quite unfair on the parent wohm to bear all the financial responsibility. As you can't imagine any reason to not work bar childcare, housework and life admin, I assume that when the kids leave home you'll be working 7 days a week because there's no reason not to? I mean god forbid someone caught up on their sleep, went to the gym, met a friend for coffee just for FUN

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2021 09:14

@beachsidecafe

I live in the SE and most of our group work in London, and I see A LOT of non parenting and selfish parents that put their careers, social lives and holidays before all else. You can be as shocked as you like, but I found it really really sad to see babies and children falling so far down the list of priorities of so many parents. The nannies, childminders and nurseries are absolutely parenting and raising the children they look after. No question.

I won't lie - I think it is appalling, and I can not see the point in having children if you only ever see them at the weekends, and the odd holiday here or there because most of their waking life is spent away from you.

Maybe you just need better friends
Shmithecat2 · 30/04/2021 09:16

@nancywhitehead

I just don’t understand why it’s so looked down on, especially in the U.K.? Isn’t it an amazing thing for a child to be with its mother?

I absolutely don't look down on it, but I think that children also really benefit from being in nursery and socialising with other children and adults. They experience things that they can't through staying home with parents and become more independent.

There is a balance to be struck and obviously lots of time with parents is important. But personally I don't think that being with parents all of the time is the best thing for a child once they are 2/3 years of age.

My son went to preschool from 2.6yo. Being a SAHM doesn't mean your child is home with you and only you the whole time Confused.
Shmithecat2 · 30/04/2021 09:25

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Most people can't afford to be a SAHP in the UK, and I do think there's judgement of anyone who relies on UC to do it.

That said, I don't think anyone judges SAHP of children below school age. Childcare is expensive for young children, lots of settings won't offer full 30 hours funding.

I do somewhat judge SAHPs with school age children as wraparound care is much cheaper than nurseries, and barring perhaps parents of kids with SEN or health issues, there's no way housework and life admin fills the 25-30 hours a week children are at school. I guess at that point I would consider it a somewhat lazy choice and quite unfair on the parent wohm to bear all the financial responsibility.

I don't want my ds in wrap around care. The cost isn't a factor in that. I just don't want him away from home 10+ hours a day. At 5yo, I think it's too much for him.

And you're right, housework and life admin doesn't take up 25-30 hours a week, but it does take up a couple of hours a day, in my house anyway. I didn't realise I was obliged to only use my time for work or chores Hmm. I worked for 22 years full time, often with a weekend job extra, before having ds. Lazy isn't something anyone that knows me would describe me as.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 30/04/2021 09:47

My mum was also a SAHM and she still gets really awful comments about it along the lines that she never did anything with her life etc. I know it's selfish of me to feel like this but we absolutely loved her staying at home (although half our village used her as free childcare so we always had millions of our school friends around!)

Honestly, having done both WOH and SAH, in my experience SAH get far, far more shitty comments thrown at them. I also think it's unfair that being a SAHM is seen as being a traitor to women's progress. Perhaps if it was paid (and therefore valued as a choice for either parent) it wouldn't be seen so much as being a kept woman. I don't know. I also wish it was a viable choice for more dads to stay at home with their children.

BiBabbles · 30/04/2021 09:57

I have to say though, if I was an SAHP I would find posts like this annoying. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work if you don’t need to - but you can’t call yourself an SAHP once your kids are properly at school. In this case, you are a housewife.

I don't get why it should bother me that an at-home parent wants to call themself a SAHP if their children are in school and even less why it would bother someone who isn't a SAHP. Would you like it if someone decided to retitle your role and how you talked about it because they felt something else fit better?

I actually find it more annoying when other people decide this for others because of their own narrow views. I've the really annoying situation of having one of my children's birth certificates being utter nonsense because the registrar decided we couldn't leave occupations blank as we had with our previous and that it was unacceptable for him to be a SAHD if I was no longer employed. He decided not to push for it and just gave her the information she wanted - I don't really blame him, it was a hard time and he just wanted to get home. She literally put in his occupation based on his degree, an area he hadn't worked in years, and put me down as a housewife because I was economically inactive, even though she was told I'd worked recently but left for health reasons and wasn't present as post-birth my health had deteorated further and I was bedbound, but hey, I was a married woman who wasn't working, so I must be a housewife, right?

As likely noticable, it still pisses me off years on that him saying he was a SAHP wasn't respected because of people's view that my being home meant he was no longer parenting - yes he also did freelance when he could at home, yes he was also my carer, yes he also painted and some of those sold -- but he said he was a SAHD and viewed all the rest as just part of his role in the home, much like many of the SAHM I knew growing up, most with school age children.

I'm not sure if my teenager counts as properly in school as he's only in one day a week this year, but I'm an at-home parent. I typically discuss it as 'recovering from significant ill health', because that how I view myself - I don't view myself as a housewife as I don't do most of the housework and I work on and off, some paid, most not, from home so whether SAH or WAH depends on how things are going and how much parenting I do depends on that as well. That's how I see me, how others in a similar situation would define their role will likely be different just like people who WOH can define their roles differently regardless of how their employer does. My spouse's employer gives them a really poncy title, he just uses hotel night worker even when he's managing and training people, that's just how he views his role there. They respect him that much.

To me, this quote reeks of 'Gotta make sure economically inactive women know their place, can't be having any agency to see our role as we see fit if we're not making money, and act like it's insulting to other at-home parents to cover my feelings" when no at-home parent I've met gives a damn about this sort of division.

PerspicaciousGreen · 30/04/2021 09:57

I, as a former child, recognise the scenario @beachsidecafe is describing. It was me for a while. And some of my friends. I don't think it's as common as beachsidecafe is making out, but it does happen.

Wake up, go immediately to nursery/school, either stay in wraparound care/after school club until late or be picked up by nanny/au pair, come home, dinner and bed. In the holidays, go to holiday club or be looked after by nanny/au pair. At the weekends, be doing homework/activities/playing by yourself/with nanny/au pair. So your parents wake you up and tuck you in to bed and that's it. When I was potty training our son I asked my mother what it was like when she was potty training me and she said she didn't know, the nanny did it.

That's not your average working family, though. The sad thing is, it's the rich parents who can afford to live like this, so they could easily afford to work less and see their children more. I refer you to my post above about professional part time work not being available. If you want a high-level job, it's full time (and then some) or nothing, which is a great shame.

KaleSlayer · 30/04/2021 10:31

There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work if you don’t need to - but you can’t call yourself an SAHP once your kids are properly at school. In this case, you are a housewife.

Who cares what they call themselves? Why would anyone else be bothered? I feel like it makes you feel better to ‘relegate’ them to the position of housewife.

I have a friend who hasn’t worked since her kids were born. They are now late teens/early 20s. She couldn’t be described as a housewife really as she has had a housekeeper for years who does most of the cooking, cleaning etc. I wonder what she should call herself. She calls herself retired and has done since she was 30. 😂

SleepingStandingUp · 30/04/2021 10:36

My son went to preschool from 2.6yo. Being a SAHM doesn't mean your child is home with you and only you the whole time confused according to posts on here I do home you didn't do anything remotely relaxing or fun during those hours. Scrubbing floors with a wire brush or the loo with your bare hands is the only acceptable activity for SAHPs with kids on childcare

Shmithecat2 · 30/04/2021 10:41

@SleepingStandingUp

My son went to preschool from 2.6yo. Being a SAHM doesn't mean your child is home with you and only you the whole time confused according to posts on here I do home you didn't do anything remotely relaxing or fun during those hours. Scrubbing floors with a wire brush or the loo with your bare hands is the only acceptable activity for SAHPs with kids on childcare
lol. I also had a cleaner 3 times a week.