SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

If you think four weeks a year of parenting your child day to day (annual leave) makes any meaningful difference, then that is up to you. I don't agree.

Also I don't feel judged. If anyone wants to judge they can be my guest as I couldn't care less to be honest.
It's my life and I do as I wish. I don't judge those who choose to work ft or pt or whatever.

@beachsidecafe

paralysed the big difference between a child going to school, and a child being in a nursery/other childcare setting is of time spent at home. School children have extensive school holidays to spend at home with their families, this is not the case for parents working FT. It may only be a few weeks every year between them.

The second point to consider is that school aged children are only in school for six hours, most babies and toddlers in nurseries are there for much longer.

It is also about age. The under fives obviously have many more needs, much more of their identity/values/development/ life experience/personality is taking place and will shape the rest of their lives. It has a much bigger impact on a two year old, than a eleven/twelve year old for instance.

Sorry, but you seem to have a very narrow idea of what life for children with two working parents looks like. It really isn't the case that these kids are just dumped in an institution and left there all day, every day.

So many people stagger their start and finish times so that one parent drops the kids off and the other picks up, resulting in shorter days overall. Or they split their shifts so that some of their hours are done when the kids are asleep - I did half of my contracted hours when dd was asleep for around 3 years. I know other families where both parents compress or reduce their hours. Others where grandparents do some of the childcare etc. And of course, lots who use much loved nannies or childcare rather than "institutional" settings.

As for holiday time, lots of parents tag team it between them, so there is actually quite a lot of holiday time with family. Minimum of 28 days a year for FT workers, so 10.6 weeks between a couple. Even allowing for the fact that the family might want some shared time off together, that still leaves a lot of time to play with. When dd was a toddler and at primary school, DH and I had 16.4 weeks off between us, so actually more weeks in a year than a child in a state school.

I think you have a certain idea of what WOHPs, and I'm sure it's an accurate reflection of what some parents do, but in my experience, it is not the norm at all.

@KaleSlayer

I just wish we were valued more

You have to not care about what others think. My partner and children value me, and I value myself. If others don’t, who cares. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really agree with this. My husband values me and values what I do as a SAHM. That's the important thing for me. It wouldn't be the same if he thought he were working hard to earn money so I could piss around all day.

Where are you getting 10-12 weeks a year? That's just not true for most people working full time. Most people will get around 20-30 days holiday a year, some of which will be used up on the child's sickness.

Two parents, legal minimum is 28 days per year (5.3 weeks each). Many will have more than this.

When dd was younger, I had 44 days per year of annual leave/bank holiday. DH had 38. Mine was pretty generous compared to most people. DH's was pretty standard for someone in a professional role.

paralysed Where we live it really isn't unusual for both parents to put in very long hours. Additionally they do not spend all of their annual leave on their children but choose girls ski trips and cycling tours. They also refuse to waste their annual leave on time that is not an actual holiday, which I understand as they are exhausted.

Much of this is motivated by greed and wanting more. It is not about need or keeping a roof over their heads, it is about nice cars and lots of holidays. They could choose to live differently, but they don't. Then they will also want to credit themselves with raising children, when the fact is they have barely been involved. Many of the same children are sent away to school. Some honesty around this would be helpful, because the children suffer. Ten hours in any nursery is too long for babies and young children. Most of us know that deep down.

@paralysedbyinertia

Where are you getting 10-12 weeks a year? That's just not true for most people working full time. Most people will get around 20-30 days holiday a year, some of which will be used up on the child's sickness.

Two parents, legal minimum is 28 days per year (5.3 weeks each). Many will have more than this.

When dd was younger, I had 44 days per year of annual leave/bank holiday. DH had 38. Mine was pretty generous compared to most people. DH's was pretty standard for someone in a professional role.

Ok, so you never overlapped holidays? Doubtful.

I only work two days. So largely stay at home mum and I love it. The days I am off with them I do all sorts. I meet friends, am able to take them to all their afterschool activities. We have a fun and varied life. The days I work are full on and they have wrap around childcare. It’s exhausting for them. I think there quality of life would be reduced if i did it full time. They would t have as many opportunities. I guess if you are in the kind of job where you work from home and can do the school run on your break it would be easier. I also think that I might not find being at home quite so fun if I didn’t have those two days at work the break things up.

@LegoPoliceman

The idea of SAHMs being the ultimately denigrated, looked down upon group falls apart a bit when one after the other tells a working mother that putting her child in nursery for a few hours a day amounts to someone else raising them.

It's a frankly bizarre idea. You wouldn't really say that schools were raising children, would you? They're educating them. Nurseries are looking after them. They aren't taking over the role of parent.

Schools are raising the next generation in a way though. Values etc are taught there.

Nurseries are for children too young for education.

Too young for education, but apparently old enough to be out of the house for 10 hours a day and having a stranger change their nappies and feed them their food. Hug them when they're upset or hurt, pat them to sleep.

It's a valid choice for some, but let's call a spade a spade.

@beachsidecafe

paralysed Where we live it really isn't unusual for both parents to put in very long hours. Additionally they do not spend all of their annual leave on their children but choose girls ski trips and cycling tours. They also refuse to waste their annual leave on time that is not an actual holiday, which I understand as they are exhausted.

Much of this is motivated by greed and wanting more. It is not about need or keeping a roof over their heads, it is about nice cars and lots of holidays. They could choose to live differently, but they don't. Then they will also want to credit themselves with raising children, when the fact is they have barely been involved. Many of the same children are sent away to school. Some honesty around this would be helpful, because the children suffer. Ten hours in any nursery is too long for babies and young children. Most of us know that deep down.

OK, but choosing not to spend any time with your kids is just bad parenting. I don't know a single WOHP who lives like that, so you're stereotyping wildly. I could just as easily stereotype the SAHPs who sit and watch daytime TV/play on their phones all day while the kids run feral - and believe me, I have encountered quite a few parents like this in my professional life - but it wouldn't be any more of an accurate picture of what life is like for most children of SAHPs, any more than the picture that you're painting of the what life is like for the children of WOHPs.

Where do you live? (If you don't mind answering).

Because most of the mothers I know work but no one uses their time like that.

Ok, so you never overlapped holidays? Doubtful.

We did overlap holidays, usually for a week in the summer and a week at Christmas, and sometimes a couple of days at Easter. That still left a lot of time to split between us.

I don’t earn enough to cover child care. It’s beneficial up until the kids are 3-5 years.

Marriages can break down. If get a 50-50 split of assets it probably won’t be enough to meet all of your needs for the rest of your life. What do you do then? Also, wouldn’t it be more fair for both people in the relationship to work part time rather than one person keep the other (because once the kids are in school it’s all day leisure time).

I've been a SAHM mum for 13 years. No regrets at all.

You obviously don't parent that often to imagine that any parent has time to watch TV!!! The chance would be a fine thing. I think you rather gave yourself away there.

I think the culture here is totally anti family, and we will pay the price in years to come. Both parents should be supported to spend time caring for their own children for the first few years, ensuring the babies and toddlers are well cared for. It would not be too much to expect that we could do this as a matter of course, and we could put laws in place to ensure they are not discriminated or in any way damaged by choosing this. Instead the government of every colour wish to encourage separation and childcare over all else, economically it is a no brainer for them. But there is a price to pay. Every action has consequences.

I

Message for paralysed

@beachsidecafe - where do you live. The majority of DT’s classmates parents were also two full time working parents and none lived as you have described.

but apparently old enough to be out of the house for 10 hours a day

having a stranger change their nappies and feed them their food

BINGO!

I really valued being a SAHM as did my son (who it turned out much later has ASD and dyspraxia), I think the years of 1 to 1 I put in allowed him to learn to cope with things that otherwise would have been an enormous struggle. Even his assessor said that for his obvious ASD not to have caused huge problems earlier he had obviously had a lot of time and effort put in to help him. I didn't even care if my OH didn't value it TBH let alone random others.

@Franklyfrost

I don’t earn enough to cover child care. It’s beneficial up until the kids are 3-5 years.

Marriages can break down. If get a 50-50 split of assets it probably won’t be enough to meet all of your needs for the rest of your life. What do you do then? Also, wouldn’t it be more fair for both people in the relationship to work part time rather than one person keep the other (because once the kids are in school it’s all day leisure time).

Try finding a higher level part time job. Me and DH both working part time would struggle to earn as much as one of us working full time.

I’m in the situation of having two toddlers and wanting one more baby and have plans to retrain once they are all in school. My husband earns enough that luckily we have a pretty good situation without me being at work and the amount I would bring in after childcare is not enough to be worth the hours I have to put in or the physical danger of my career.
My eldest just started nursery and the time she is away lets me spend some better quality time with my youngest.
I can see myself needing to do something when they are all in school or I’ll go completely potty all by myself, but am hoping to retrain so I can set my own hours and be able to still pick up/drop off and do clubs and activities.
We are not wealthy by any measure and we definitely do without sometimes to facilitate me being at home, but we think it’s worth it to not have two knackered parents and I want to be there.
If I wanted to go back to work I can, but life would be infinitely more complicated and I like the status quo currently.

Some lovely people on this thread, weirdly seem to be judgmental of those who may wish to criticse women's decisions to be SAHMs, but quite keen to point out how crap putting them in childcare is, the mind boggles. People who are secure in their choices are much less judgemental of others and don't feel the need to try and justify the reasons for theirs; maybe those posters need to examine their own decisions and figure out why that is :)

We didn’t regard the nursery staff as strangers. We still send them Christmas cards. DT’s had the same key worker for four years and they became our babysitters.

I'm a pretend SAHM. DS is 8 but I've been staying at home for 20 years. I did work for years but was always teetering on the edge of complete breakdown. Eventually it all became too much (I was eventually diagnosed autistic) so DH suggested I quit as he was worried about me. Now I spend my days pottering around at home and in the garden.

@Nevermindgeorge

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

Are you feeling insecure about your choices OP as a SAHM, do you feel looked down on? Do you feel like you need to justify your choices by starting this thread that won't end well? Everyone has a different experiance, different opinions, people will judge you and others on the choices they make so who really cares. Do what is best for you, that's what matters. Don't compare yourself to other people and just do you!