SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

Are not invested in them emotionally.

@Parker231

By using childcare you aren’t passing the raising and parenting role to others. You are still 100% parenting.

You can't be raising your child, and being at work at the same time.

It's a compromise.

@Parker231

By using childcare you aren’t passing the raising and parenting role to others. You are still 100% parenting.

I wouldn't say you are though. DH certainly isn't parenting the kids anywhere near as much as I am. Because I'm here with them and he's not. It doesn't make him a parent any less. But I do the bolk of it because I'm here. You are no less a parent because your DCs are in nursery but you don't do the brunt of the work if they are away from you for 8 hours a day 5 days a week (or how ever long they are there for)

You can't parent your child if you are not there parker I find it worrying that you think that you are. It is a sacrifice. One that some parents are comfortable with, some less so.

Which is why parents generally are very careful what childcare providers they use, the people looking after dc every day are having a huge impact on the children they care for particularly in the early years, and that is magnified by the number of hours they spend there.

Also that's really not a dig. At all. I'm not against nursery or childcare. It's just not true to say you do as much parenting as the person looking after your child. Because you physically are not there.

Of course you are raising your child. You are the parents. You are making decisions about their feeding, sleep, how they will be schooled, you brush their teeth, take them for their vaccinations, put them to bed with cuddles and a story, you are there when they are ill, wake in the night, have birthday parties, you buy their shoes and teach them manners and how to behave.
All decisions are made by the parents - working or not.

Lots of nurseries teach routines and napping to babies, potty training to toddlers etc etc.

SAHps do all that

If parents both have to work FT because they can not afford to house and feed their children, then clearly they have to do that, but for others that have more choices I think it is a shame for the child spending their whole life in one institution or another being raised by people that invested in them emotionally.

I don't know a single child who spends their whole life in an institution. What an odd idea. There are so many ways in which parents can manage their careers flexibly, there really isn't any need for that.

DH and I did use paid childcare for the first few years - a wonderful nanny who we used for four hours per day, five days per week. She was emotionally invested in dd sufficiently to make her want to travel 200 miles at her own expense every year for ten years(pre-covid) to visit her. Paid childcare doesn't necessarily mean uncaring and indifferent.

We managed the rest of the time between us - both me and DH working full time but flexibly around each other. No paid childcare at all once dd was in school. I know so many families who have different versions of this kind of arrangement. They are definitely the ones providing their kids with love and security, instilling values, teaching manners etc.

Out of interest, do you send your children to school, and if so, do you believe that their teachers take over the parenting from that point on?

Putting a roof over your child's head and food on the table is also a pretty important part of parenting in my view.

I’ve been a sahm for 15 years. My days are busy. I love it.

It’s not for some bit I wouldn’t change it.

parker That is not true. Someone else is feeding your child, teaching them how to hold a cup, singing and reading to them, teaching them manners, how to use the potty and how to do every day things. How can you do it if you are there? Genuinely puzzled.

Yes you might be paying for everything, the shoes, the childcare, the parties, and maybe you do brush their teeth and wake up in the night when they are ill, but the bulk of raising a child (if you are working FT) is not happening with you. That is okay, but we have to be honest about it.

I’m a SAHM to a 12 year old. I had her later in life after a lot of difficulties with infertility and it changed me. For a significant period of time my whole purpose became trying to have a child, this came above any work related goals I had previously and was time consuming and not particularly compatible with a full time, professional career. My DH also worked very long hours and travelled internationally so by the time we had our DC, I was absolutely ready to spend all my time with her. I adored it, and it suited our family.
Since then, I have worked on a voluntary basis as a Trustee for a small charity and would quite like to find a part time job, as I have found myself bored through the pandemic. Prior to that, I kept busy organising our life (inc building projects) and attending school functions, matches etc. I lost my mum when I was a teenager so am probably keener to make the years count than I need to be.
I do trust my DH to be fair if we split but recognise I am vulnerable as I get older. However, I do feel I could fend for myself if push came to shove.

I remember reading once that the childhood years are short and you could view this in one of two ways:
Either short enough to take time out of work and spend that time with your children or short enough to carry on working because they’ll be grown up before you know it.

I think both approaches are equally valid, but individuals will completely differ I their preference.

I'm a SAHM and I've been trying to learn how not to justify myself to people.

paralysed the big difference between a child going to school, and a child being in a nursery/other childcare setting is of time spent at home. School children have extensive school holidays to spend at home with their families, this is not the case for parents working FT. It may only be a few weeks every year between them.

The second point to consider is that school aged children are only in school for six hours, most babies and toddlers in nurseries are there for much longer.

It is also about age. The under fives obviously have many more needs, much more of their identity/values/development/ life experience/personality is taking place and will shape the rest of their lives. It has a much bigger impact on a two year old, than a eleven/twelve year old for instance.

DH and I raised them - taught them how to hold a cup, we sang and read to them daily, sat them on a potty (endlessly). They don’t live at nursery. By using a nursery for childcare you aren’t distancing yourself from how they are cared for. That’s why you put so much time and effort into finding the right nursery.

And even if you go with the extreme example of kids in nursery for ten hours a day, five days a week - and thanks to flexible working arrangements, I know very few people who actually do this - that's 50 hours. That still leaves 118 hours in the week in which the parents are doing the childcare. Yes, the child will sleep for a chunk of this time, but the parents are still the ones soothing them when they wake up in the night.

Then there is extra time when parents are on annual leave, bank holidays etc, which can easily add up to, say 10-12 weeks a year, or more in some jobs. It's the parents who end up taking time off with the kids if they're sick, as well.

So, even in the most extreme cases, the kids are generally with their parents far more than they are not.

@Parker231

DH and I raised them - taught them how to hold a cup, we sang and read to them daily, sat them on a potty (endlessly). They don’t live at nursery. By using a nursery for childcare you aren’t distancing yourself from how they are cared for. That’s why you put so much time and effort into finding the right nursery.

Of course you're distancing! Some people choose nurseries on purely proximity to the station/home.

Some children spend 50 of their waking hours in nursery - we have to be honest about this

@Nevermindgeorge

I just don’t understand why it’s so looked down on, especially in the U.K.? Isn’t it an amazing thing for a child to be with its mother? It’s not the easy option and as much as I’m so happy I’m able to be at home, it’s not a walk in the park! I found working much easier. I’ve contributed to the system for years and will do again, why do some look down their noses 🤷🏻‍♀️

In real life I don't think many people give a shit to be honest.

@paralysedbyinertia

And even if you go with the extreme example of kids in nursery for ten hours a day, five days a week - and thanks to flexible working arrangements, I know very few people who actually do this - that's 50 hours. That still leaves 118 hours in the week in which the parents are doing the childcare. Yes, the child will sleep for a chunk of this time, but the parents are still the ones soothing them when they wake up in the night.

Then there is extra time when parents are on annual leave, bank holidays etc, which can easily add up to, say 10-12 weeks a year, or more in some jobs. It's the parents who end up taking time off with the kids if they're sick, as well.

So, even in the most extreme cases, the kids are generally with their parents far more than they are not.

Where are you getting 10-12 weeks a year? That's just not true for most people working full time. Most people will get around 20-30 days holiday a year, some of which will be used up on the child's sickness.

The 50 hours example isn't that extreme from my experience either. My son is one of the only ones that's part time. Most are full time

I am a SAHM whose mum was a SAHM. I couldn’t put into words how special it was to me that my mum was at home when others weren’t. I almost didn’t reply to this post because it always becomes so heated. But the truth is I absolutely love being a SAHM and couldn’t feel more thankful and privileged. And that’s all. I’m not judging anyone for working so I appreciate not being judged back.

Children that have two full time working parents will not see their parents at all in waking hours Monday to Friday realistically. Beyond a bath and bed. So that leaves two days a week to spend with your child.

5 in nursery
2 at home

And you are asking why the bulk of raising children is then done by the parents. You are deluding yourself by talking about 118 hours, as they are asleep for much of it!!! paralysed and even that time is compromised if the parent wants to go to an exercise class/do the housework etc at the weekend. You are talking very very little time actually spent with the child.

You say it is unusual for young children to be in childcare for ten hours, but most people work 8 hours full time, and commuting an hour either way is not unusual here.

Yes not unusual here

The idea of SAHMs being the ultimately denigrated, looked down upon group falls apart a bit when one after the other tells a working mother that putting her child in nursery for a few hours a day amounts to someone else raising them.

It's a frankly bizarre idea. You wouldn't really say that schools were raising children, would you? They're educating them. Nurseries are looking after them. They aren't taking over the role of parent.

I'm a sahm due to the cost of childcare would be swallowed in what I'd earn as a non qualified person. Altho we have joint finances in everything. I'd be working for a loss until ds can get funding to help.

I do enjoy it. Its been 3. 5 years now since having dd, then ds 2 years later.
I do often get 'bored' of routine but that's me if I have a down few days. I generally like to keep them busy. Even if a trip to the park. We have annual passes for local theme parks, zoo and farm. So we do one of them each week min.
Dd now at pre school more hours, and I find just having ds lovely. As I get to catch up on bits when he naps.

The hardest part is having no me time really. Altho dh does his best to accommodate that it's hard as he does long hours 6 days a week and we like to all be together on the 7th day. Plus we have my teen and his dd from a previous relationship.

I do miss the social aspect of working.. But not the job I had before I hated that but loved the people. I still have contact with some now and we regularly meet up.