SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

[Nevermindgeorge]

I’m also a Sahm to my toddler Dd, precious to this I taught/worked full time for 17 years.

Why are you a Sahm, did you choose to be? Are you happy, what’s your daily life like?

I feel like they’re often looked down upon, especially in the U.K. (I’m British but in another country) where it seems a fantastic thing to spend the early years with your child, which was my aim.

@Cactuslove

I'm returning to a career I love 4 months after having my second baby- and I find myself having to repeatedly explain and justify why I don't want to be a sahm so my experience has been the opposite really.

It's probably because a 4 month old baby is still so tiny. They don't even eat real food! Obviously it's your choice. But don't forget everyone has to justify themselves to some one at some point during their day/week. Humans don't like change and like to stick to the status quo. Less likely to get eaten/hunted that way! It's stuck with us and now non of us like the idea of someone else not doing it our way!

If I’m completely honest... I do think it’s one thing to be able to take some time out and spend time with your kids when they’re small (for mums and dads). Which is what you’re talking about, and it some ways is a privilege.

I find it harder to understand when the kids are older and at school. And I think that’s rarer anyway.
Each to their own and all that, and I wouldn’t give my opinion unless asked, but that’s what I think.

I'm a sahm now, and will be when my child goes to school.

What has it actually got to do with anyone else? Really?

Smacks of jealousy

'But going back to work isn't actually about people thinking their job is more important than looking after their child, it's about needing to provide for their child and doing what's right for their family.'

Or simply wanting to go back for their own sanity and to benefit themself and that's fine too.

I loved it, wouldn't change it for the world. Plus I met some of my best friends as a SAHM.

I was a SAHM when dc were small. Made that decision as dh worked Saturdays and had a day 9ff during the week so we would only ever had Sundays together. I loved it. Always had plans, meeting friends going to the library ..not so much mom's and tots as hated those. We could go on holidays when we wanted and l loved having that time at home with the dc. I never cared even for one moment what anyone thought as it was a personal decision and l had the option to change whenever l wanted. I gradually went back to work as the dc went to school and it all worked out well. Luckily l had no bother slipping back into the work place as being a teacher it was relatively easy to find work. I wouldn't have had it any other way and if my dd decides to follow the same path l will encourage her.

[quote Parker231]@Devlesko - everyone is different. I wanted to continue with my career and we found excellent childcare (am still in touch with them 21 years later).[/quote]
Of course, and each to their own.
We are all different with varying needs and wants.
It's sad that some women give others a bad time because of their choices.
I'm glad it worked well for you.
Isn't it good to look back, breathe a sigh of relief and know you did the best you could, and did make the right decisions.
Mine are almost 30, 26, and youngest 17.
When dd turns 18 I'm becoming a sah granny, to the eldest ones 2 dd's.

@Popcornbetty

'But going back to work isn't actually about people thinking their job is more important than looking after their child, it's about needing to provide for their child and doing what's right for their family.'

Or simply wanting to go back for their own sanity and to benefit themself and that's fine too.

That was included in doing what's right for their family.

@SleepingStandingUp

I think you are either career minded or you're not . My sister has worked very hard to get to where she is in her career and I think she is amazing. She has two children who are in childcare from 7am till 7 pm 6 days a week.

Well that's pretty extreme. Is she a single parent? I do think within a couple there should be some give and take so the kids aren't doing 60 hours of childcare.
But generally it isn't as simple as career minded or not. Not everyone with a "career" is well paidm. Of full time child care costs your family money or you're only £50 richer than having a SAHP, of your child has additional needs, job losses, multiples, pregnancies close together, even just a change in your perspective can mean someone who was always career focused and successful changing their mind, at least for 5 years

No married , her husband works the same hours too. Both worked very hard to get where they are so neither prepared to take on the stay at home parent role.

[quote qualitygirl]@KillerFlamingo

I love it. I can't imagine any job being more important or preferable to spending time raising my DC.

I would see any job that keeps a roof over your family's heads and food in their bellies as more important to be honest.

I love my job and career but that doesn't mean I don't love my children. I am a better mother for working as it's what I need. And my feelings are just as important as my children's to be honest...if I had stayed at home any longer than I did I would have had a mental breakdown. It's not for everyone unfortunately. [/quote]
Yes because my DC is homeless and starving...

Obviously it has to be financially viable for your family. We make sacrifices but it's our choice and we are all happy with it.
I'm not advising anyone else to do it. Do what you like, I don't care, I'm just answering OP's question.

I often feel I have to justify why I’m at home, why should I?

I think we're culturally in a time where mothers are pushed to justify most things and make it seem like some sort of competitive advantage for our children, particularly in the early years. I've known both at-home and working out of the home mother who've felt the need to justify and raise up their situations. Not everywhere has that to the same extent.

I'm not sure what better support SAHP can get -- I'd be worried any further financial would have strings attached that many would prefer not have in their lives (possibly just reinforcing the economic divide), and socially it'll take more than I think the government is willing to get involved with pushing things this way. I think they like the competitive parenting, it suits many of the UK's policies and ways of being.

With the two countries given, yes there is greater paternity leave in early years and a higher rate of take up by men in some areas & better legal protection for mothers in the workforce, but there is also a higher rate of full time working mothers compared to the UK so I'm not sure they're an example of helping more parents be at-home unless it's only the very early years. I think there is less competitive parenting though.

I would not have had dc at all if I had been forced to leave them when they are small. I would have found it impossible to leave them. So for me, it was a dealbreaker. I loved and cherished my time with my dc. In my part of the world it is certainly not frowned up at all to be a SAHM how strange a concept to actually want to parent your own child?! It is a privilege and a wonderful thing if you can do it.
So we have a fun and supportive group of parents, and many happy memories.

Fast forward and my dc are now teens, and I do not regret a minute of my time with them, not a second. We are a close and loving family, I have since retrained and still do not work FT so I am still here for them. I have a very good career, but for me time with my kids is more important than money. So I won't compromise on that.
If I could not afford to have time with them whilst they were little, I probably wouldn't have had children at all in the first place, or maybe just one at a stretch.

Well no, I'm adding to the future workforce, while not competing in the current workforce.

We seem to be talking at crossed purposes. You're talking about the value to society of parents in general, it would seem, whereas I was responding to the OP's point about society valuing the specific choice to be a SAHP.

I completely agree that society as a whole benefits from people having children (although not too many, given the environmental impact!) and indeed from bringing them up well. There is very clearly a social value in good parenting, but that in itself has nothing to do with the choice about whether to WOH or SAH.

My point was that the value created by a SAHP benefits the individual family. It is an entirely valid choice, and the contributions made by the SAHP should absolutely be valued and appreciated by the members of that family. I just don't think that such a personal choice particularly needs to be valued by society - respected, yes, but not valued.

For the sake of clarity, I don't think that the choice to WOH the home needs to be valued by society either. The primary benefit is to the family. There might be wider social benefits, depending on the nature of the work that an individual does, but there is no inherent value to society simply in being a working mum.

It's about individual choice. People should be able to do what works for their own families without being judged or criticised for it, but without seeking external validation for those choices either.

@beachsidecafe, we all parent our own children.

I became a SAHM two years ago when my youngest had just started school and eldest was 11. Before that I worked 4 days per week.

It was forced on me because I had to become a full time carer for my disabled child but I had always really missed my kids so it also felt something of a privilege too.

We totally changed our lives to accommodate my lack of income and it has worked out really well.

I am a genius at filling my time and my kids get a home cooked meal every day and a Mum who isn't completely frazzled.

It really works for us and I think you have made the right decision op.

The pp who's sister puts her kids into daycare 6 days a week, that just sounds really bleak and depressing, a bit like the upper classes who used to have the child brought to them for an hour in the evening by the live in nanny.

I thought I should mention that our lives were very relaxed when the children were small, we planned an outing every day - walk, a picnic with a friend, a nature walk just simple things every day. We spent time reading, baking and making things. Being in the garden and seeing the world. I had a course once a week, and my mother would look after dc and she used to look forward to it all week. I had time to take care of myself, I had time to take care of dc.

I am not sure what you are really asking. You can design your own life to suit you, and your babies. You don't need to ask permission to look after your children, nor look for validation.

The old saying you will not lie on your death bed wishing you had worked more springs to mind.

@Overthebow that's really sad. I hate to hear privileged people sneering and snarking about the less well off. Do only well off children with two living parents deserve a parent at home? My dad died when I was little and we needed love and support (both financially and emotionally). My mum would have been mortified to think that the neighbours were bitching about her getting income support while she looked after us. My brother had significant health problems so full time work just wasn't an option for her. I bet those people your friends look down on have not shared their full circumstances, why would they? Count your blessings and leave other people alone if you're not going to be supportive.

paralysedbyinertia I am not sure that is quite right, if you are away from your child for ten hours a day, five days a week then your child is mostly being raised by other people.

I certainly don't look down on SAHMs but as many other posters have said I do think it leaves women in a very vulnerable position financially.

My SIL has been a SAHM for 20 years, had what looked like a wonderful marriage until her DH left her suddenly two years ago. She has no job, can't get a mortgage and the financial settlement she received in the divorce is peanuts.

Financially she is absolutely fucked and having to start over at 48 has been devastating for her.

KillerFlamingo I could have not gone back to work, and I don't think my job is more important than my kids. But I do think it often preferable to spending time with them. I love them, but find being a mother incredibly tedious. I did not know I would feel this way though. Working makes ME a better mother. I have more tolerance and patience for the time I do spend with them.

@beachsidecafe

paralysedbyinertia I am not sure that is quite right, if you are away from your child for ten hours a day, five days a week then your child is mostly being raised by other people.

Firstly, I have never been away from my child ten hours a day, five days a week.

Secondly, my DH and I have absolutely been the ones raising our daughter. I'm not sure who else you think has raised her.

Thirdly, parenting is about more than just childcare.

It absolutely is, parenting is more than childcare - in a million different ways. So we need to be around - both parents - to do the part that no one else can. Instil values, manners, security, love, bonds and all the other things that are important.

If parents both have to work FT because they can not afford to house and feed their children, then clearly they have to do that, but for others that have more choices I think it is a shame for the child spending their whole life in one institution or another being raised by people that invested in them emotionally.

By using childcare you aren’t passing the raising and parenting role to others. You are still 100% parenting.

I'm a sahm to four school age dc. I also have two older step children who's mum died when they were young. They don't live at home though.
I like it and I never feel the need to justify myself and I could not care less what anyone else thinks. I'm doing what's right for me and my family. I'm on the go continuously and I'm in charge of everything around the children and home. They all have very busy lives and I love being able to go to all the school stuff, being able to pick up and drop off everyday and just be here for them.