Private school 'culture'

[TooManyAnimals94]

Will try and keep this fairly brief whilst still giving enough context. I'm a freelance riding instructor at a stables attached to a private school so most of our riders are pupils there as well. I've been teaching there for the best part of four years and they have always been happy with my work etc.
On Saturday I started a lesson with one of her regular riders and her mum was not happy about the pony she had been put on. He is 'too slow' apparently and her daughter had been doing incredible things at another RS over Easter. In my professional opinion the girl is a fairly capable novice but not exceptional and the pony is safe and suitable for her. I said that it was too late to change the ride list but if she was unhappy I would talk to the manager about an alternative next week. She still wasn't happy and demanding refund. Again I said that would have to be requested in writing to admin as I couldn't authorise it. Started lesson anyway and after several interruptions from the mum I had to say that I couldn't continue if she was going to keep calling me over and not letting me teach. We called it a day and I got the girl to dismount and I put the pony away. This mum then follows me onto the yard ranting about how I'm unprofessional, the stables are not up to scratch for not having another pony available, our ponies are obviously all unsuitable and being very derogatory towards me personally. I kept my cool and said I was sorry she felt that way but I couldn't have that conversation if she was going to keep verbally abusing me, our horses and the establishment. She stormed off then came back AGAIN from the car park to continue having a go. Again I calmly asked her to leave and express any concerns in writing.
Anyway, I have now seen the email chain that has gone between the mum and my manager and the school have bent over backwards to accommodate her, offering a different pony, timeslot and instructor. She has refused all because she doesn't think any of the ponies offered are acceptable so she won't be coming back. I said to my manager that I thought this was unacceptable...she should have been told to take her custom elsewhere after her behaviour. Verbally abusing staff when they have done nothing wrong is not ok. She said that because of the school they had to be seen to be accommodating...why??? I'm not naive, I know money talks but if this woman had behaved like this towards her daughter's history or maths teacher...would the school have had the same reaction? I haven't said anything else to my manager but it's not nice to feel totally unsupported when I have always given my best to that place.
Is this a thing in private schools? I appreciate the customer is always right but up to the point where they are verbally abusive? If it was a restaurant she would have been asked to leave and not return.
Thank you if you got to the end.

If you have been doing work with this group of people for four years and this is the first time this has happened you must know that it isn't standard behavior?

Yes definitely and this is a private school attitude of some.

Ghastly and well done for handling it

No it is not a 'thing' in private schools.

Just a badly behaved woman

[quote SpringTides5]@Babygotblueyes

It's not about bowing down to anyone. Private school parents are paying substantial sums for a service.

Just as they would have every right to complain about the food quality in a restaurant, if the provision for their DCs is not meeting their standards, they have every right to make this clear to staff.

Equally, if they want their DC moved up a reading group or extra phonics homework or a place at cricket club, that is what they are paying for. Staff who don't agree with the customer is always right mentality are welcome to work in state schools where there is no incentive to meet parents' needs.[/quote]
Everyone has the right to expect good service and to have their needs met. No one has the right to abuse staff or be unreasonably demanding. The more people pay for things, the more it can set up the idea that they should get exactly what they want when they want it, even if that is not possible. There is no excuse for this or the kind of behaviour OP was faced with.

Not sure what the snotty comment about state schools is about. The customer is not always right and having lots of money does not make your judgement superior to everyone elses.

I've worked in both state and private schools. There were awful and delightful parents in both. Private schools do tend to bend over backwards more for parents, although I've never worked in a private school where senior managers would have undermined their staff like this or tolerated that level of rudeness to staff. So whilst it's a business, you do deserve better. Even if they had decided to give the woman what she wanted in the future for an easy life, someone should have spoken to both you and her about this incident. You, to make you feel supported and her to make it clear she shouldn't abuse staff.

@emilyfrost

Many teachers and staff are simply not cut out for working in private schools because of the customer is always right attitude that is rightly expected of them.

@SpringTides5 ”Rightly expected”? Bugger off.

The customer is not right when they’re abusive. This behaviour should not be normalised or tolerated. It’s irrelevant how much they’re paying.

“Rightly expected”?!

You prefer people to pretend you’re right, even when not, for the sake of what.. a monied/fragile ego?!

@SpringTides5
In this case, the rising instructor could have offered an alternative pony to the parent's DD. That would have been the expectation of staff at both my DCs' private and state academy schools
...and...
Equally, if they want their DC moved up a reading group or extra phonics homework or a place at cricket club, that is what they are paying for

Dear me, where do I start? Firstly, let’s consider riding schools - a place that people go to take their children to in order to learn how to safely sit on a half ton animal with a mind of its own. Any riding school worth it’s salt will always underhorse rather than overhorse a pupil. Overhorsing leads to accidents and I am fairly sure the sort of person who would demand a ‘better horse’ because they are paying for it is almost certainly also the sort of person who would sue the riding school if they were given a horse or pony their child couldn’t manage and had an accident on. I have seen many a rider who claims to be a good rider when in fact they are mediocre at best and a more forward horse would make mincemeat of them. A riding school is in the business of teaching people the correct aids in order to take part in safe, effective and enjoyable riding. Never have I seen a riding school offer ‘fast’ ponies, but nor have I seen them offer slow ponies either. Quite often, if a rider is struggling with a pony that is too slow it is because the rider is an ineffective one, and the best way to get a faster pony is not to get on a different one but to ride the one they are on better, which can only be done if they are not chopping and changing onto ponies they find easier.

My own horses and ponies can all be either too slow or too fast depending on who is on them and how they are riding - I once had a gigantic heavyweight show hunter, 18 hands and 800kg. Massive. He was used to interview potential grooms for a fancy dressage yard. Many of the candidates quaked when he was led out for them to ride, but he plodded round the arena like a riding school dobbin and they breathed a sigh of relief that he was not a snorting giant nutcase. The groom who got the job got on him though, tolerated the plodding for a couple of minutes, and then said to him ‘come on, I’m sure you are capable of more than this,’ gathered him up and gave him a boot in the ribs and suddenly he turned from plodder into the RIHS quality show horse he actually was, albeit a lazy one. The issue here was not with the horse, it was with the riders, and I don’t need to use much imagination to guess that it was the same case with the demanding mother and her average child.

WRT to the reading group or cricket club - do you honestly think that the way private facilities work is to demand your child is moved up because you are paying for it? Excuse me while I stop laughing! Quite simply, what you are paying for is not to get the level you demand, but the teaching to get the child good enough to move up to that level. And it’s net exclusive to the private sector. What you are demonstrating brilliantly though is that there is a small section of society out there that firmly believes that money can make up for any amount of lack of talent. Money can help uncover, fine tune and promote talent, that’s true, but it cannot be a substitute for it, no matter how much you are able to pay.

No, she was a nasty woman and the school should have told her to shut up.
Not a normal private school attitude.

I think she sounds unhinged. Surprised she doesn't have her own ponies.

Any decent private school can have its pick of pupils (and therefore parents) so I don’t agree that it breeds rudeness. This sort of behaviour would be seen as embarrassing and they would be quietly shunned by other parents. I’m involved at a state school and the sense of entitlement and rudeness from middle class parents towards staff there is far worse than those at the private school that my D.C. attends.

Perhaps this woman was over stretched financially by the cost of private education and the horse riding lessons and just thought she wasn't getting ''value for all that money'' but I agree where children and horses are concerned in schools safety must come first. Parents can always get their own wild horse for their child.

I'm not naive, I know money talks but if this woman had behaved like this towards her daughter's history or maths teacher...would the school have had the same reaction?
Possibly, yes. I worked in a private school, and there was an attitude of 'the customer (i.e. parent) is always right'. It was soul destroying.

What @backinthebox said.

The problem with agreeing to parental demands in a private school is that often they negatively affect other students or the staff, it's not just the case of you are paying, so have what you want.

"I want my child to be in the netball A team". Ok - who would you like me to move down a team, who deserves their place more?

"I want my child to be able to take 12 GCSEs". Fine, that doesn't work in the confines of the school day, so which member of staff do you expect to give up lunchtimes to teach them.

"I want my child to be predicted an A* not an A so they will get into X,y,z university". Fine, but in my professional experience they have no chance of getting one, so your child will be disappointed come results day when their inflated grades get them an offer they can't meet.

Do you understand where parental demands might be unreasonable if you have to take into account the reputation of the school, fairness to staff and other pupils?

I think people are right to point out that there are rude people in all walks of life. However, in my experience, some people feel hugely entitled if they pay a lot of money for something. Anything. If they don't get the service that they believe they deserve (by spending a large amount of money) they will kick a proper fuss, and this carries on in other areas. I am a volunteer sports coach and the parents who complain the most are those who have children in private schools, who feel that their child deserves more (attention, time, coaching, access) than others.

Had to have a chat with a parent yesterday who was cross that his son didn't make it in the squad, accusing our club to be a 'closed shop'. I had to tell him that his son was just not good enough. He, like your customer OP, used some pretty unpleasant and hurtful words. And will be taking his son to another club.

This is awful. What a hideous way to behave. I’m so sorry your employer didn’t stand up for you. I know jobs don’t grow on trees especially these days, but I’d be considering leaving if my manager completely disregarded such verbal abuse and harassment towards me.

No idea if it’s a private school culture thing or not - I’ll never know! Either way that woman is a complete twat. I hope you’re ok.

I am sorry for your experience. I am sure though that this is a private school thing. The ones I have had contact with stress the importance of manners and politeness. I think this is a brash and arrogant individual which unfortunately you get everywhere.

Just sounds typical of all the horsey people I know.

Just as they would have every right to complain about the food quality in a restaurant, if the provision for their DCs is not meeting their standards, they have every right to make this clear to staff.

@SpringTides5 Complain? Yes, absolutely. Abusive and rude? Nope, sorry, not acceptable whichever way you try and spin it.

If a customer is abusive in a restaurant they are asked to leave and possibly banned. The same applies elsewhere; nobody should have to tolerate being abused in their workplace simply because the clients are rich.

Yes, it’s definitely purely down to the fact that this child goes to Private school.
There are absolutely no arsehole parents at State Schools

It says more about the culture at your RS that they put up with this sort of thing. They should explain the situation to the school in full and stick up for
you. I strongly suspect the school will be sympathetic - if this woman is a nightmare at your RS then she is also a nightmare at the school too.

[quote SpringTides5]@Babygotblueyes

It's not about bowing down to anyone. Private school parents are paying substantial sums for a service.

Just as they would have every right to complain about the food quality in a restaurant, if the provision for their DCs is not meeting their standards, they have every right to make this clear to staff.

Equally, if they want their DC moved up a reading group or extra phonics homework or a place at cricket club, that is what they are paying for. Staff who don't agree with the customer is always right mentality are welcome to work in state schools where there is no incentive to meet parents' needs.[/quote]
What about if they wanted their kid to be the main part in the school play or the captain of the cricket team? Obviously they can’t all be picked!

@emilyfrost

Clearly abuse and rudeness should be discouraged and advised against.

However, parents at private schools take their DC's education very seriously and are paying tens of thousands of pounds to the school for them to deliver a high quality experience.

There may therefore be times when they will become emotional and angry if they feel the provision is not up to scratch or a staff member is not meeting the DCs' needs.

This may take the form of abuse of emotion towards teachers and staff. This is something that happens in every walk of life- DH is a solicitor and will occasionally have clients being rude due to stress.

It is something that simply has to be accepted. The best approach is to make soothing noises to the parent concerned- it's certainly not a matter for removal.

My (limited) experience of state primary schools shows that it absolutely depends on the head teacher. I’ve seen heads undermine, belittle and behave appallingly towards their staff rather than tackle a difficult parent.
It’s not exclusive to private schools.

Most small business owners have funny stories about their most hideously entitled dreadful clients (the vast majority being decent so they stand out).

Mine was a client pleading poverty so I reluctantly gave a very reduced fee she then explained she needed my service in a ridiculously tight timescale because she was flying to Australia 😮😮

I don’t know about private schools, but tbh sounds like she individually has a personality problem, rather than it being a ‘culture’ issue.