Private school 'culture'

[TooManyAnimals94]

Will try and keep this fairly brief whilst still giving enough context. I'm a freelance riding instructor at a stables attached to a private school so most of our riders are pupils there as well. I've been teaching there for the best part of four years and they have always been happy with my work etc.
On Saturday I started a lesson with one of her regular riders and her mum was not happy about the pony she had been put on. He is 'too slow' apparently and her daughter had been doing incredible things at another RS over Easter. In my professional opinion the girl is a fairly capable novice but not exceptional and the pony is safe and suitable for her. I said that it was too late to change the ride list but if she was unhappy I would talk to the manager about an alternative next week. She still wasn't happy and demanding refund. Again I said that would have to be requested in writing to admin as I couldn't authorise it. Started lesson anyway and after several interruptions from the mum I had to say that I couldn't continue if she was going to keep calling me over and not letting me teach. We called it a day and I got the girl to dismount and I put the pony away. This mum then follows me onto the yard ranting about how I'm unprofessional, the stables are not up to scratch for not having another pony available, our ponies are obviously all unsuitable and being very derogatory towards me personally. I kept my cool and said I was sorry she felt that way but I couldn't have that conversation if she was going to keep verbally abusing me, our horses and the establishment. She stormed off then came back AGAIN from the car park to continue having a go. Again I calmly asked her to leave and express any concerns in writing.
Anyway, I have now seen the email chain that has gone between the mum and my manager and the school have bent over backwards to accommodate her, offering a different pony, timeslot and instructor. She has refused all because she doesn't think any of the ponies offered are acceptable so she won't be coming back. I said to my manager that I thought this was unacceptable...she should have been told to take her custom elsewhere after her behaviour. Verbally abusing staff when they have done nothing wrong is not ok. She said that because of the school they had to be seen to be accommodating...why??? I'm not naive, I know money talks but if this woman had behaved like this towards her daughter's history or maths teacher...would the school have had the same reaction? I haven't said anything else to my manager but it's not nice to feel totally unsupported when I have always given my best to that place.
Is this a thing in private schools? I appreciate the customer is always right but up to the point where they are verbally abusive? If it was a restaurant she would have been asked to leave and not return.
Thank you if you got to the end.

I think it’s a combination of rude/demanding mother (I think you get them at state and private schools - and not sure if private worse or not as no experience of this) and really bad management.

You sound like you handled it well and then the management did not back you up.

Unfortunately bad management is rife everywhere and can leave you feeling unsupported and demotivated.

I work in the nhs and over the years we have had a few very rude and demanding patients. One in particular sent a complaint filled with things some of which weren’t true. Our management sent a grovelling email (despite agreeing with us that the complaint was unfounded) and gave in to all of the ridiculous demands. Said patient ended up jumping to the top of the waiting list and being given treatment which they demanded which was not indicated.

It made our team quite resentful, especially after following our procedures to the letter abs felt so sorry for the patients who had waited their turn and then had their treatment delayed to accommodate the complainer.

It’s frustrating and demoralising and I sympathise with you.

There's a lot of missing the point here.
Placating the mother was a business decision.
Not to keep her happy, but to save the reputation of the business.
An angry client like this is undesirable to have on the books, but even less desirable to shift off the books for being an outrage, because someone like her would no doubt trash the reputation of the riding school.
It's quite a close arrangement with the riding school and the school itself, and if they ever fall short of "The Customer is always right" then any pissed off customer is likely to have friends ready to take their kids out of the school too.
As for OP, it's just part and parcel of the job. You are not there to be bothered about shitty parents anyway, you are there for the kid who is riding. Your manager has made their decision, it was not yours to make. Perhaps harden up a bit. It's a business arrangement for the parent, and they are simply strident (ok, rude) in pushing for their money's worth where others may be more passive. It's not personal, it's business.

I agree about the business decision, but a good manager would be able to pacify the mother without throwing their staff member under a bus. A good manager should be able to keep the staff and customers happy.

@bookworm1632 what a nasty and immature response.

I’ve worked in private schools for nearly ten years (although not as a riding instructor!) and if a parent had spoken to me this way I would expect to be supported by the school. The very least they should have done is have a word about speaking to members of staff politely. I am not surprised they tried to placate her with offers of a new instructor etc.

Not the same scenario but a reason the RS would want to placate the mother. Years ago I went on a riding holiday run by the loveliest people you could imagine. it was a long distance post trek and I was given a very well schooled young horse who behaved perfectly, was quite forward going and had a super friendly nature. All the other horses were well liked by the riders on my trip, no one asked to change horse.
Obviously I left a god review on TA. A few months later I saw a terrible review from a woman who had had the same horse. she was the entitled type as she went on and on about she and her husbands riding experience, hunting etc. She dismissed the lovely horse I had had and that she got for the ride as a plodding donkey who was only fit for children and then went on to describe her husbands horse as a total nutter - this was the older more experienced horse they used as lead horse most of the time. I felt so sorry for the ride company, it ruined a run of good reviews and how was anyone looking to book to know the truth?

Interesting replies. I wasn't having a go at all private school parents at all and I have dealt with shitty customers before. On the whole, its a lovely job with super pupils and most parents easy to get along with. I have no problem with someone raising queries about horse selection or even my teaching- I can't be everyone's cup of tea! I'm not a precious delicate flower but I still don't expect to be spoken down to like that. I just wondered if this reaction from management was acceptable because I felt very let down. As far as I know the school is not struggling and the riding school has a massive waiting list so it surprises me that unreasonable demands are pandered to.
I don't think any business should be fearful of bad reviews if they have done nothing wrong...sets a dangerous precedent IMO.

YANBU; she sounds unhinged and abusive. The school should have sent her packing; she set a dreadful example to her daughter as well.

Unfortunately I think there’s a thing with some “new money” people, where they think they can behave how they like because they’re paying a lot for something. They can’t, and it reflects poorly on them.

A family friend teaches music at a top public school and says a lot of the parents are awful- rich but no manners, drive their cars over the lawns etc. And the schools put up with it because they want the money. It’s a disgrace.

@ExConstance

Not the same scenario but a reason the RS would want to placate the mother. Years ago I went on a riding holiday run by the loveliest people you could imagine. it was a long distance post trek and I was given a very well schooled young horse who behaved perfectly, was quite forward going and had a super friendly nature. All the other horses were well liked by the riders on my trip, no one asked to change horse. Obviously I left a god review on TA. A few months later I saw a terrible review from a woman who had had the same horse. she was the entitled type as she went on and on about she and her husbands riding experience, hunting etc. She dismissed the lovely horse I had had and that she got for the ride as a plodding donkey who was only fit for children and then went on to describe her husbands horse as a total nutter - this was the older more experienced horse they used as lead horse most of the time. I felt so sorry for the ride company, it ruined a run of good reviews and how was anyone looking to book to know the truth?

Sad but hopefully one review amongst many good ones won't affect their business too much. Always wary of those riders who call themselves "very experienced". The woman who complained about me has also been "riding all her life" apparently. Felt like saying well buy a pony and teach your kid yourself then! But of course that would have been rude... 😂

In this case, I think there may well simply be a mismatch of expectations between the school and riding instructor.

Many teachers and staff are simply not cut out for working in private schools because of the customer is always right attitude that is rightly expected of them.

In this case, the rising instructor could have offered an alternative pony to the parent's DD. That would have been the expectation of staff at both my DCs' private and state academy schools.

YANBU. The school shouldn’t have attempted to accommodate her. Rudeness and abuse should never be tolerated regardless of who you are or how much you’re paying.

Don’t you just love it when people claim they’ll take their business elsewhere though? You just feel like saying well that’s good, because nobody really wants to deal with you here 😂

Many teachers and staff are simply not cut out for working in private schools because of the customer is always right attitude that is rightly expected of them.

@SpringTides5 ”Rightly expected”? Bugger off.

The customer is not right when they’re abusive. This behaviour should not be normalised or tolerated. It’s irrelevant how much they’re paying.

Has OP hit a raw nerve Bookworm?

Judging by her ridiculous reply, it looks like you've made it worse @Mumwithapub!

@VestaTilley

YANBU; she sounds unhinged and abusive. The school should have sent her packing; she set a dreadful example to her daughter as well.

Unfortunately I think there’s a thing with some “new money” people, where they think they can behave how they like because they’re paying a lot for something. They can’t, and it reflects poorly on them.

A family friend teaches music at a top public school and says a lot of the parents are awful- rich but no manners, drive their cars over the lawns etc. And the schools put up with it because they want the money. It’s a disgrace.

Worse part is I think she has two other kids! So just breeding a new generation of bratty entitled people. In fairness the poor child looked mortified as you would do if you saw your mother kicking off like that.

@SpringTides5

In this case, I think there may well simply be a mismatch of expectations between the school and riding instructor.

Many teachers and staff are simply not cut out for working in private schools because of the customer is always right attitude that is rightly expected of them.

In this case, the rising instructor could have offered an alternative pony to the parent's DD. That would have been the expectation of staff at both my DCs' private and state academy schools.

In this situation I couldn't. We're a small scale riding school and the other two ponies she could have ridden had already done their maximum hours for that day. Plus she had a half hour slot and by the time we swapped she would have missed most of her lesson anyway. Happy to accommodate but if she wanted to request a certain pony she should have done that in advance plus it felt like she turned up looking for a battle and whatever I said or did would not have been good enough.

I think you do find people like this in all walks of life - never satisfied with anything. They’re clearly very unhappy in themselves.

Private schools are a business and parents are the clients and every business has to manage difficult clients. In the state system the parents don’t need to be ‘managed’ in the same way and there’s more of an established system of escalation in place for dealing with complaints.

It’s one of the reasons I’d hate to work in the private school sector - having to placate those sorts of parents 😱

@emilyfrost

The thing is that at an independent school, the parents and DC are the teachers' and staff's clients. No clients = no business and no jobs.

It is therefore the role of staff to keep parents happy and satisfied. This includes making sure that they are happy with the provision their DC is receiving and that all reasonable requests are met.

As I say, not all staff are cut out for this mentality. Staff who don't meet parents' expectations at the DCs' Indy will find themselves in front of the head.

I think depending on the type of private school ie. If they are not over subscribed and or selective, then it is quite a transactional relationship. Especially if there are 3 children at the school and you're threatening to pull them out and go elsewhere. I also know of parents giving very big donations to the school - how do you deal with them if they or their children are being a pain in the ass ?

@bookworm1632

So she sends her daughter to a private school.

What else is unique about this woman? Does she drive a Merc? Maybe this is a thing with Merc drivers?

Is she overweight? Could be a problem with large people?

Or maybe she's skinny - well they're ALWAYS troublemakers aren't they...

Or perhaps it's an accent? Anyone who talks differently .....

You’re missing the point. Op isn’t asking whether it’s a characteristic of private school mums to complain unjustifiably, but whether it’s a characteristic of private schools not to back up their staff in the face of such complaints

@SpringTides5

But the customer is not always right especially in the case of a riding school. The riding school I go to regularly has ‘encounters’ with customers insisting on riding a horse that they’re clearly not capable of controlling or wanting to go on group hacks when they’ve never cantered/jumped before etc.
It would be dangerous to allow them to do so and they could even be sued if anything went wrong.

Unpleasant behaviour from an extreme bully. I'd have asked her DC if she was happy with the pony and put that in my emails to the stable management.

Unfortunately as all small businesses know, if there is a bully who could spread rumours about them and reduce the customer base, there is a propensity to kowtow.

[quote SpringTides5]@emilyfrost

The thing is that at an independent school, the parents and DC are the teachers' and staff's clients. No clients = no business and no jobs.

It is therefore the role of staff to keep parents happy and satisfied. This includes making sure that they are happy with the provision their DC is receiving and that all reasonable requests are met.

As I say, not all staff are cut out for this mentality. Staff who don't meet parents' expectations at the DCs' Indy will find themselves in front of the head.[/quote]
But what was reasonable about her request? Regardless of how she spoke to me afterwards, she requested something that I couldn't provide in that situation so are you saying that because I'm not a magician I'm not cut out to work there?

Private schools = rich parents = high levels of entitlement and ego.

Sorry this happened to you. I know a lot of wealthy people (for various reasons) and they would not dream of acting like this. But there is a class of people who are just so pleased with themselves because they have money that they feel the world should bow down to them.

I would say it is a person who recently came to money. I have seen people changed like that. Entitled and rude because they think is ok now they have money. Plenty of mothers like that in some private schools but not all families are like that. She was rude, bad manners and lack class.

I am sorry you had to deal with this. Very upsetting.

@Babygotblueyes

It's not about bowing down to anyone. Private school parents are paying substantial sums for a service.

Just as they would have every right to complain about the food quality in a restaurant, if the provision for their DCs is not meeting their standards, they have every right to make this clear to staff.

Equally, if they want their DC moved up a reading group or extra phonics homework or a place at cricket club, that is what they are paying for. Staff who don't agree with the customer is always right mentality are welcome to work in state schools where there is no incentive to meet parents' needs.