Brother's wedding - I need some perspective

[PaleBlueLavender]

I could really benefit from some perspective here, please. I'm feeling hurt but I don't know if I'm too sensitive or this is completely understandable.

My brother and girlfriend were meant to be getting married in the Caribbean last year. As it was long haul with really expensive flights, we decided to make it into a longer holiday for us and the two DC, but of course Covid hit and so everything was put on hold.

Since then, my brother and girlfriend have announced a new date but it's slap bang in the middle of the school term. Our children aren't of an age we can easily pull them out of school and even if we could, the costs and logistics are crazy.

My parents don't appear to see an issue and the rest of the party I believe are still going. I absolutely understand this is their wedding and their decision, but AIBU to be hurt that the new date rules us out and nobody seems to care that we can't make it?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset, or should I just get over it because it's their day, end of story.

There are some bizarre posts on this @PaleBlueLavender.
We wouldn’t be able to afford it this year since our income has taken a huge knock in the last 12 months and we now have debts to pay back first.
I would also be less than impressed if DH announced that in spite of our financial situation he was going on a solo jolly to see a sibling get married somewhere exotic.
It is disappointing that your brother is not fussed about your attendance but now you know that you are more into sibling relationships than he is.
Stay strong and don’t be swayed. He knows you’ve got kids whose education has been disrupted but you come lower down in his priorities than his dream wedding and his friends.

I've been thinking about this overnight.

You can go to your brothers wedding. You could go by yourself. But you don't want. There's no real reason not to go by yourself other than you don't want to. That's a completely valid reason but you need to own your choices. You don't want to go.

Your brother is allowed for be hurt that his sister won't come to his wedding, which he has already had to rearrange and doesn't even know if can happen due to covid travel restrictions. But he isn't getting upset and neither is anyone else in your family. They are not getting cross with you, but simply being neutral.

And exactly the same logic applies to taking the kids out for a week. You don't want to.

You are not being unreasonable to be hurt
I'd be gutted if I was you I also think his response is hurting you .
Have you had a convo with him about it ?

Destination weddings are for the bride and groom ...which I'm not saying is wrong but i don't like the Its 'our day our way' ..a wedding is about families joining together.
Couples 'could' have a destination wedding....quietly as a couple and then a party on return if they REALLY wanted to make sure family and friends were part of it.

Allow yourself to wallow and then be the bigger person ....smile ....and try to think it's just one day.

The thing is, even before it got postponed the couple had already made it clear to every invited guest that they weren’t arsed if they went or not, by having it in the Caribbean. If I was in your position and my brother said anything at all like “I’m gutted you can’t make it” I wouldn’t think ‘oh he does care about me after all’, I’d be like “why’s it in the Caribbean then, arsehole?” If you’re going to have a destination wedding, especially in that kind of destination, where guests would be travelling and staying at their own expense, the only acceptable response to a decline is “that’s fine, totally understand”, no follow up.

I can’t believe someone suggested OP should host a family party to make up for it 🙄

When was the original date for last year

Assuming the flights and hotel wouid have been paid for by March /start of lockdown

If uou could have afforded it then , and happy to pay for it as a holiday for the 4 of you

Then why won’t you go now. Just because of school ?

You could all go for less time ?

Or you could go alone if you really wanted to see brother get married

Yes it’s a long flight and uou don’t want to be alone but you would be with family whole time apart from flying home alone at an earlier date

How old are your kids ?

I just would like to feel like it matters, just a little bit, that we're not there. I've had no sense from anyone - DB, his GF, my parents - that it matters whether we're there or not and that's why I feel hurt. It just touches an old wound.

People are completely missing the point. The point is, you can't go. And none of your family appear to give a shit. I think you're better off out of it op. It does hurt when you realise you don't have the relationship you thought you had with a sibling. I had the same with my brother. Spent a lot of money and effort attending his wedding abroad and it was a bloody stressful shit show. I wish in many ways i hadn't gone, because it destroyed the thin veneer that was our relationship.
Save the money and spend it on counseling to unpick why you need their approval.

They won't suddenly value you if you did spend thousands attending the wedding.

She can go

She doesn’t want to take kids out of school

She doesn’t want to go alone

But she can go if she wanted to really go

I've been thinking overnight and while some messages have felt brutal, they have given me the perspective that I needed, thank you.

My original question was whether I was right to be hurt, or was I being oversensitive? Our family dynamics are that I always suck up the shitty decisions that hurt me because if I ever dare to raise them, I'm told I'm overreacting and too sensitive. As a result, I stay quiet but I hurt. This is one in a long line of things to happen, and these have clouded my judgement. I needed perspective and to see things from their point of view, which I've now got.

A few posters commented on the new date - I know their closest friends had input in the new date. Other friends were also told before us at a BBQ, while we were told via a group message that updated the rest of the party. I think this set the tone a little for me that we weren't part of the critical 'must be there' list, but the 'be good if you could make it' list.

However, there is an awful lot of judgement at my reasons why this isn't doable for us. There are many factors but yes, of course, cost is one of them. We were prepared to spend thousands on going (it's not a destination we would choose otherwise), but to add value, we'd stay on and make it a family holiday. However, the costs for a week are crazy and we can't extend because of the new date. To give some context, we were looking at 2 weeks all inclusive for £8k - this is not an amount we'd spend on a holiday but for a special occasion we agreed to push the boat out. For a week, the cost is £6.2k. Surely this is a staggering amount of money for a week's holiday? And, courtesy of Covid, our finances simply aren't in the same same position as last year and to go, it would mean a lot of sacrifices, but had it been the same dates which meant better value, we'd have done it even though the prices had gone up a little.

As for the kids school, they're both in important secondary years. While there aren't exams this year, that doesn't mean time out of school wouldn't have an impact. How the flights are scheduled would mean missing a full week plus the next Monday (we wouldn't get home until mid-morning), and then going in on the Tuesday jet lagged. One of the DC really struggled with the worry of 'being left behind' during home schooling and even a day off sick makes this anxiety shoot through the roof. This is why I'm not keen on taking them out.

However, having said all of that - I do now understand that to DB and his GF, it could look like we just can't be bothered. Or how we weren't prepared to make sacrifices to get there. They don't have kids so the concern about taking them out of school perhaps wouldn't occur to them, and they've often commented that they forget that for us, costs are much more when we factor in the children. I'm going to call him and talk it through and just explain our thinking. They've said before they often forget we have to pay double to include the DC, so may be forgetting the cost element, and also the impact on the kids being out of school. We won't talk about whether he cares or not - we don't talk like that. And having though of things overnight, I say we're 'close' but actually, I don't think we are.

Thank you all again for your input and helping me see the bigger picture.

It's a difficult one, and I can see why you feel put out.

BUT your brother can plan the wedding he wants, for when he wants. He then invited people who make a choice whether to attend. From the sounds of it the first date was for when you could make it, and he's probably had to make sacrifices with the second date just to get it booked. Have you considered how upsetting it probably is for him to have had his wedding affected and disrupted how it is? And maybe he now just wants it sorted so he can get on with married life?

Can you not see how a couple without children might put their wedding ahead of it being in term time? I would also say that if you could afford ++++++ for the family to go, I don't see how you can't afford ++ for you to go alone, if it's really important to you. You also could take the children out of school. (I would for a once in a lifetime opportunity I was so upset about not going to)

So there is an opportunity for you to alone or with your family, you're choosing not to take them. Which is fine, but don't pretend the options aren't there. They're not ideal, but neither is your brother having his wedding screwed about by covid.

You're not being unreasonable. When I got married abroad I planned it in the holidays. I knew a few of our guests were teachers and I wanted everyone to be able to come. I'd have thought it was more important family were there than mates myself. Maybe not aunts and uncles but your own sister?!?

It seems like they just want the majority of their friends to be able to go and, as a consequence, you're expendable.

I'd probably say something. Not a huge argument but you've hurt me and I want you to know it. He's sent a message to you there about your value to him which will linger through the years. Some of the people he's friends with now will fade away in the future but you'll always be his sister.

Sorry I think you sound rather “woe is me” self absorbed. Cheer up! Go on your own and bond with your family. Honestly life is short - I work with the terminally ill nothing much matters does it it’s your brothers wedding.

Well, i have always assumed the entire purpose of a destination wedding was to reduce the number of guests (exceptions being when one of the party is a foreign national of the destination).
So, I wouldn't go. And definitely not take children out of school, when they have missed so much schooling.

My original question was whether I was right to be hurt, or was I being oversensitive? Our family dynamics are that I always suck up the shitty decisions that hurt me because if I ever dare to raise them, I'm told I'm overreacting and too sensitive. As a result, I stay quiet but I hurt. This is one in a long line of things to happen, and these have clouded my judgement. I needed perspective and to see things from their point of view, which I've now got.

No you are not unreasonable to be upset about it. It is upsetting to realise that for years you've bent over backwards for someone who doesn't appreciate it.

If my sibling was getting married abroad and wanted people to pay thousands for the privilege of witnessing it, I'd assume they were actively trying to put people off going. 😂

She can go

She doesn’t want to take kids out of school

She doesn’t want to go alone

But she can go if she wanted to really go

I suppose it depends on how you see the concept of 'wanting' something. She believes her children's education would suffer, as it would be a crucial time for them to miss out. If she spends the money and goes on her own, that probably means no holiday for the whole family for the year.

Being able to afford something isn't just about whether you actually have the ability to get your hands on the money. If you were able to save/budget/borrow £5K for a much-needed family car that would hopefully last you the best part of a decade, would you also say that equally meant you could obviously afford to pour £5K in the FOBTs in an afternoon down at William Hill - and that it's only because 'you don't want to' that you wouldn't dream of doing so?

Is wanting your kids' education not to to suffer and wanting not to deprive your family of any family holiday just a case of making arbitrary choices? Normally, people are criticised for not wanting to do something because they're being selfish; OP's case sounds to be the exact opposite.

Yes, it's OP's DB and his fiancee's choice, but if you have a destination wedding, you either accept/acknowledge that it's probably just a quiet affair for the two of you - which is absolutely fine if that's what you prefer - or otherwise realise that not many people will be able to make it, and that any who do will be paying out a fortune for a holiday at somebody else's chosen location at their chosen time.

Like with child-free weddings, again, your choice, but to many parents, you're pretty much giving them a non-invitation and acknowledging to them that you're not bothered about them being there or not.

I do now understand that to DB and his GF, it could look like we just can't be bothered. Or how we weren't prepared to make sacrifices to get there

Hmmm Do you really think that’s how they feel??

@MiddleParking

The thing is, even before it got postponed the couple had already made it clear to every invited guest that they weren’t arsed if they went or not, by having it in the Caribbean. If I was in your position and my brother said anything at all like “I’m gutted you can’t make it” I wouldn’t think ‘oh he does care about me after all’, I’d be like “why’s it in the Caribbean then, arsehole?” If you’re going to have a destination wedding, especially in that kind of destination, where guests would be travelling and staying at their own expense, the only acceptable response to a decline is “that’s fine, totally understand”, no follow up.

I can’t believe someone suggested OP should host a family party to make up for it 🙄

Totally agree.

The OP has made clear that she simply cant take the DCs out of school to attend. OP has also pointed out that for her to go alone would spend a lot of the family holiday budget.

Anyone with half an ounce of common sense would know roughly when school holidays are. They will also have seen in the news that taking children out of school results in fines for parents. None of this mattered to the DB, he wants the destination wedding.

What is sad for the OP is that her DB has seemingly decided that he doesnt really care that his sister cant be there. It is also sad that OP's parents also dont care. All this reinforces the perception of the DB being the golden child and OP as the also ran in the family dynamic.

I'm not sure that there is anything OP can do. The family wont get it. Maybe in years to come DB will regret his choice but somehow I doubt it.

What will you say to your brother if he says i want you there, why don't you just come by yourself?

He may not and this may be decades of family dynamics but the basic point that YOU could go 8f you want to remains. Not you as a family unit, but you as an individual.

If fact how much time do you spend with your brother just the two of you, not you as a family unit.

He might still not understand why YOU can't come.

@Dishwashersaurous

I've been thinking about this overnight.

You can go to your brothers wedding. You could go by yourself. But you don't want. There's no real reason not to go by yourself other than you don't want to. That's a completely valid reason but you need to own your choices. You don't want to go.

Your brother is allowed for be hurt that his sister won't come to his wedding, which he has already had to rearrange and doesn't even know if can happen due to covid travel restrictions. But he isn't getting upset and neither is anyone else in your family. They are not getting cross with you, but simply being neutral.

And exactly the same logic applies to taking the kids out for a week. You don't want to.

What a bizarre take. OP could go, yes. The money spent on this exorbitantly expensive trip to be part of her brother's wedding party will then not be available for a family holiday or other important family spending. Not many of us could splash out £6k and not notice it, surely?

She would be leaving her DP in sole charge of the home and two teenagers for a week, which is also quite a big ask if they are normally sharing the running of the household, school drop offs, monitoring homework etc.

And as for not wanting to take the two children out of school for a week - no, she doesn't want to do it! Why should she? School and education are important. She's not keeping them away from their uncle's wedding for a frivolous reason.

Brother and fiancee clearly don't have any imagination or common sense, or alternatively they aren't that bothered if OP and family can attend. Neither reflects well on them.

@Dishwashersaurous I actually think it's a good thing DB hasn't asked her to come on her own. You don't get to spend other people's money for them when you get married. He has chosen to get married in a destination that will cost £1k + for OP to attend. Why would she spend all that family money for a trip without her DH and DCs ?

Its a destination wedding. Therefore it was always going to be awkward and incredibly expensive to go.

But if she wants to go to the wedding, same as any friends or other attendees, then it will be incredibly expensive to attend.

She can choose not to spend that money. Completely valid choice but it is a choice not for go. Because she doesn't want to go by herself and spend thousands

Yeah it wouldn't sit right with me to miss it. I would go and leave dh and dc at home. It's your brother after all.

And they have already saved £8k for a holiday ( an enormous amount of money i agree but they have already saved it). So she could spend £1.5k and still have £6.5k for a fantastic family holiday somewhere else.

So it is down to choice.

And actually how much time do you spend with your brother and parents as adults without the children.

By making it a destination wedding he clearly wants it to be a certain sort of event, which is his choice.

You don't want to go which is your choice.

This is a case of different preferences. Neither more valid than the other. Just different. And if you feel that your preferences are always overlooked for your brothers then a lifetime of slights underpin how you feel.

I'll be honest going alone isn't something I want to do. I realise that comes across as selfish, but I only know a handful of people as it's 90% their friends. And yes, cost is a factor as it means we won't be able to do something as a family if I spend the money on a solo trip. And, after the year we've all had, DH and my DC are my priority.

DB won't ask me to come alone - genuinely, it wouldn't enter his head. Their priority is the destination and their friends, I honestly don't think he'll be looking for ways to get me there.

I suspect in your shoes I might be quite grateful I had a tailor-made excuse for not coughing up a fortune to go to somewhere I wouldn't have chosen for a holiday otherwise for a ridiculous destination wedding.