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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's wedding - I need some perspective

272 replies

PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 16:09

I could really benefit from some perspective here, please. I'm feeling hurt but I don't know if I'm too sensitive or this is completely understandable.

My brother and girlfriend were meant to be getting married in the Caribbean last year. As it was long haul with really expensive flights, we decided to make it into a longer holiday for us and the two DC, but of course Covid hit and so everything was put on hold.

Since then, my brother and girlfriend have announced a new date but it's slap bang in the middle of the school term. Our children aren't of an age we can easily pull them out of school and even if we could, the costs and logistics are crazy.

My parents don't appear to see an issue and the rest of the party I believe are still going. I absolutely understand this is their wedding and their decision, but AIBU to be hurt that the new date rules us out and nobody seems to care that we can't make it?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset, or should I just get over it because it's their day, end of story.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/04/2021 21:07

It's the disappointment that we don't have the relationship that I thought.

That has to hurt. In the fullness of time I hope it will turn out to be wrong.

I'm sorry, OP Flowers

MargosKaftan · 27/04/2021 21:08

@butwasitherdriveway - the op says at the start her dcs school years are not ones where they could just take them out. I assumed this meant important secondary years, rather than primary when losing a couple of weeks isn't the end of the world/home learning can cover the gap.

Its not about being able to attend the wedding as such, but the brother clearly planned around making it possible for other people to attend the wedding, booking dates it was obvious the OP couldn't go.

This is entirely his choice to make, but it is a choice that says a lot about how he views his sister and her dcs in the order of who matters to him.

That's tough. Very tough. And if her dcs are key school years that they really shouldn't be missing education, it would be one thing to miss some time for an uncle that really really wanted them at the wedding, but for an uncle that's not all that fussed? No, don't damage their education for that.

rookiemere · 27/04/2021 21:08

OP and family justified the cost before by staying longer and turning it into their main family holiday. They are unable to do that this time as during school term so effectively if they did go DCs would miss school and they couldn't afford any other holiday that year.

FWIW I wouldn't go either and I certainly wouldn't be going on my own.

DB is entitled to have his wedding when and where he wants - and having had it postponed due to covid it's understandable that they want a date in the diary. But obviously this means people can't come and to his credit whilst his reply was very matter of fact, at least he didn't try to guilt you into coming.

CovidSmart · 27/04/2021 21:12

@Butwasitherdriveway is it a new thing on MN that it’s ok to take dcs out of school for a wedding?
I thought doing that was making you the devil reincarnated.
How things change....

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 21:12

[quote MargosKaftan]@butwasitherdriveway - the op says at the start her dcs school years are not ones where they could just take them out. I assumed this meant important secondary years, rather than primary when losing a couple of weeks isn't the end of the world/home learning can cover the gap.

Its not about being able to attend the wedding as such, but the brother clearly planned around making it possible for other people to attend the wedding, booking dates it was obvious the OP couldn't go.

This is entirely his choice to make, but it is a choice that says a lot about how he views his sister and her dcs in the order of who matters to him.

That's tough. Very tough. And if her dcs are key school years that they really shouldn't be missing education, it would be one thing to miss some time for an uncle that really really wanted them at the wedding, but for an uncle that's not all that fussed? No, don't damage their education for that. [/quote]
There are no exams this year.

I can't think of a single circumstances that a secondary school child could not cope being our for a week.

There is no evidence that the uncle doesn't want them there.

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 21:12

[quote CovidSmart]@Butwasitherdriveway is it a new thing on MN that it’s ok to take dcs out of school for a wedding?
I thought doing that was making you the devil reincarnated.
How things change....[/quote]
I don't think it's a big deal..controversial I know.

CovidSmart · 27/04/2021 21:15

@Butwasitherdriveway, you clearly have no dc in those years.
They don’t have official exams but most schools have decided to do their own internal exams. I know dc2 has test after test until after half term.
Those in Y10 or lower 6 are busy trying to catch up what they have missed.
It is REALLY not the year to miss school!

CovidSmart · 27/04/2021 21:16

The only reason it’s not a big deal for you is because it’s not your dcs that will be impacted ...@Butwasitherdriveway

TheLastLotus · 27/04/2021 21:21

@MargosKaftan not true - the brother might not have had any choice in dates!
My boss is currently in the middle of planning his wedding and it’s horrendous. Demand from postponed weddings like OP’s brother + people actually wanting to get married now means that time slots are take it or wait another 6 months for next available.
OP’s complaint is that brother didn’t make more of a fuss.
But that could be interpreted as guilt tripping/pressuring OP into coming and maybe he didn’t want to?
He may not ‘not care’ but his hands are tied
Also OP says bro was golden child but didn’t say whether he was mean or nice to her. Presumably the fact that she wanted so much to be at his wedding meant the latter?

overtherainbow12 · 27/04/2021 21:21

Have you tried seeing it from your brothers point of view? You've said he doesn't have children. Maybe from his point of view it seems like you are putting a week in school for your kids over a once in a lifetime wedding and holiday with family a d seeing him get married. From your posts it seems the fact its not in school holidays is the reason you are not going, with money as a side reason? Even as a parent myself I'd struggle not to see their uncles wedding and a holiday with extended family as more important than a week on school. Especially if it's cheaper in term time and you are the only ones attending with children. Can you imagine it's even just £100 more per person for school holidays (realistically probably a lot more)... you are asking all these childless couples to pay more just so your kids don't miss a week of school. I think YABU and I think if I was your brother I would see your reason of kids missing school as a bit lame.

TheLastLotus · 27/04/2021 21:32

@overtherainbow12 you raise a good point - actually the brother may think that OP’s the one who doesn’t care and so didn’t want to make a fuss - and OP thinks he doesn’t care - hard feelings all around 🧐

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 21:34

@CovidSmart

The only reason it’s not a big deal for you is because it’s not your dcs that will be impacted ...*@Butwasitherdriveway*
No, it's because I have plenty experience of the realistic impact of a neurotypical.child missing a week of school
pictish · 27/04/2021 21:36

@overtherainbow12

Have you tried seeing it from your brothers point of view? You've said he doesn't have children. Maybe from his point of view it seems like you are putting a week in school for your kids over a once in a lifetime wedding and holiday with family a d seeing him get married. From your posts it seems the fact its not in school holidays is the reason you are not going, with money as a side reason? Even as a parent myself I'd struggle not to see their uncles wedding and a holiday with extended family as more important than a week on school. Especially if it's cheaper in term time and you are the only ones attending with children. Can you imagine it's even just £100 more per person for school holidays (realistically probably a lot more)... you are asking all these childless couples to pay more just so your kids don't miss a week of school. I think YABU and I think if I was your brother I would see your reason of kids missing school as a bit lame.
I thought this too.
Elsiebear90 · 27/04/2021 22:04

I can understand why you’re hurt, but try seeing it from your brother’s perspective, him expressing a lot of disappointment in you not attending could be seen as guilt tripping, he has other people to consider and his own budget when changing dates, it’s unreasonable to expect him and every other person attending to possibly spend £100’s more so your kids can come, which is the reality when booking dates in the summer holidays. He’s also probably very stressed having to postpone his wedding and maybe didn’t want the hassle of trying to find another date everyone was happy with (which may have been impossible with all the backlog of weddings from Covid), so just booked what he thought was the best date available. His priority may be just getting married and he may have the mindset of “if people can still come that’s great, but if not then we are still getting married which is the important thing”.

My fiancée’s dad has had his wedding postponed four times now and he’s at the point where he said he doesn’t care if people can’t make it, he just wants to get married.

Not everyone thinks it’s essential that they have 100+ guests see them get married, some people just want to get married, how they like and think if people want to come it’s nice, but not essential. My fiancée wanted to elope and had that mindset, we’ve compromised on a very small wedding of just immediate family and our best friends as it was important to me that they attended. I know other people who have said they could not imagine themselves getting married without their entire family and all their friends attending, everyone is different and no one is right or wrong.

gottakeeponmovin · 27/04/2021 22:05

I get why you are upset. That said I don't think there is any reason you can't take the kids out of school for a week really. Also if you can't afford it intern time as others have said you wouldn't be able to afford it in the school holidays so there's little point in them changing. I get both sides here but ultimately the cost is a big factor in the decision I should imagine

scubadive · 27/04/2021 22:06

Yes hurtful, particularly as you were prepared to pay for you all to go.

Highfivemum · 27/04/2021 22:06

How close are you ?
The fact that you were given the date on the same day as others would indicate not that close ?
Speak to him. I know I would never have got married without my DB there but we are very close.

scubadive · 27/04/2021 22:06

Have you asked him why they have chosen a date in the term time?

BlueVelvetStars · 27/04/2021 22:09

some of the comments on here are diabolical.

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 23:30

@overtherainbow12

Have you tried seeing it from your brothers point of view? You've said he doesn't have children. Maybe from his point of view it seems like you are putting a week in school for your kids over a once in a lifetime wedding and holiday with family a d seeing him get married. From your posts it seems the fact its not in school holidays is the reason you are not going, with money as a side reason? Even as a parent myself I'd struggle not to see their uncles wedding and a holiday with extended family as more important than a week on school. Especially if it's cheaper in term time and you are the only ones attending with children. Can you imagine it's even just £100 more per person for school holidays (realistically probably a lot more)... you are asking all these childless couples to pay more just so your kids don't miss a week of school. I think YABU and I think if I was your brother I would see your reason of kids missing school as a bit lame.
This
saraclara · 28/04/2021 00:10

Why are people asking the OP if she's tried seeing it from her DB's point of view when she's already said that she is? For goodness sake, at least read her updates even if you can't be bothered RTFT.

Butwasitherdriveway · 28/04/2021 00:11

@saraclara

Why are people asking the OP if she's tried seeing it from her DB's point of view when she's already said that she is? For goodness sake, at least read her updates even if you can't be bothered RTFT.
I've read them.

Still not seeing that she is seeing it from his side.

saraclara · 28/04/2021 00:14

Then you must have missed this @Butwasitherdriveway, et al

Honestly, thank you all so much. I hadn't considered it from their point of view and some of you have made some really valid points

Overtherainbow12 · 28/04/2021 00:30

@saraclara

Then you must have missed this *@Butwasitherdriveway*, et al

Honestly, thank you all so much. I hadn't considered it from their point of view and some of you have made some really valid points

Yet her further updates are still about how she's upset they're not acknowledging she's unable to attend.. thus missing the point that DB and others might think it's a lame excuse about the kids schooling and might be hurt she puts this over the wedding
Butwasitherdriveway · 28/04/2021 00:43

@saraclara

Then you must have missed this *@Butwasitherdriveway*, et al

Honestly, thank you all so much. I hadn't considered it from their point of view and some of you have made some really valid points

Mmm