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AIBU?

Felt that bf supported female friend more than me

93 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 05:53

I feel really pathetic and childish saying this and was probably BVU.

He has this good friend that he's known for several years now, and I've been with him a year.
Earlier in our relationship he came to stay with me for 6 days, and I remember feeling insecure as he wanted us to meet up with her for 5 days out of those 6, he kept saying, shall we see what Emma's doing tomorrow?
He has other friends there, also felt hurt that he didn't want to just spend time alone with me. I would never at all not encourage him to see his friends, it was just that when we did see her we literally saw them from 2pm-1am and It felt too full on seeing somebody I didn't know nearly every day. I ended up telling him how i felt and he understood and said we'd just do our own thing the next day.

I wasn't there but one night after a night at a restaurant I think her colleague misread the signs, tried to come onto her and groped her bottom which was really out of order and wrong of him. I remember my bf being furious at the time, he was a really good support, on the phone with her about it, then there was talk of calling the police, getting him fired etc. And I remember thinking it's great he's so supportive.

A few weeks later it came up in topic again and I mentioned how it had happened to me a few times too when I was younger. I guess this was before the metoo movement etc. So it wasn't taken as seriously, but he was just kinda like, ah dear that's not bad, then moved on.

Then a couple of things happened in which i was assaulted by somebody with ASD, he asked if I was alright but then nothing else really and he made some jokes about it too. There was another distressing incident a couple of weeks later and again asked if I was ok etc. But nothing more.

It sounds really pathetic but I didn't feel that supported by him. It's not at all some competition of who has it worse, it's imperative that his friend got support but I felt like he supported her much more than he ever did me.

I think a month or so ago she said to him she was too busy to meet up then more recently she was out with some others. It's not very nice I agree, and i can tell this hurts him as he has consoled himself by saying well anyway she can be quite annoying and difficult etc. Even though he's never said that before, and saying he'd rather see X friend anyway.
I feel really childish and awful for this.

OP posts:

Report

Am I being unreasonable?

228 votes. Final results.

POLL

You are being unreasonable

13%

You are NOT being unreasonable

87%

Monsterjam · 27/04/2021 06:00

Maybe you have to admit you don’t like their friendship and try and find a way to move on, either with or without you BF

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 06:02

I don't have any issue with their friendship per se and I have no right to really.
She has a bf and they've been friends for years so I am sure there's nothing there, it's just the examples outlined.
I mentioned this feeling to him yesterday, he got kinda defensive and annoyed which I can understand.

OP posts:

Monsterjam · 27/04/2021 06:06

The examples are not really comparable, a historic event is harder to sympathise with than a current one!

SaturdayRocks · 27/04/2021 06:06

If this were me, I wouldn’t be happy with it.

They’re free to be friends, and they’re free to be very close, and to prioritise each other.

Likewise, you’re free to leave them to it, and say ‘this isn’t for me’.

You can’t dictate who he sees and when. But you absolutely do get to dictate what you personally will and won’t accept in a relationship. That’s the great thing about holding firm on your own boundaries.

I say this as someone whose DH has several close women friends. My DH treats his women friends in exactly the same way as he treats his men friends, so why would I have any reason to feel uncomfortable? Answer is - I don’t.

I absolutely would feel uncountable with your situation, OP.

TomatoesAreFruit · 27/04/2021 06:11

The friendship between bf and his friend seems too intense.

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 06:12

Monsterjam yes you're right and there's not much that can be done in retrospect I agree, he just didn't seem to say much on it, however it was also about me being assaulted in more recent events too.

OP posts:

beginningoftheend · 27/04/2021 06:18

It is.ok to feel just not keen on this and for you to consider moving on. You've only been together a year, it maybe that this just isn't the right relationship for you.

I wouldn't be happy with someone seeing any friend five days out of six that we were staying together at the start of a relationship really.

If it were me, I'd be moving on if I had these feelings, there is no point talking to him as he'll deny and make you think it's you.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 27/04/2021 06:25

I think he loves her, or thinks he does, and she likes to keep him hanging
Walk away

YouJustDoYou · 27/04/2021 06:27

he's in love with her but she's not in love with him. He covets her and gets jealous when she doesn't want to be with him all the time (because he's being way too intense with her and she sounds a bit suffocated by him). And, he's just not that in to you.

MiaRoma · 27/04/2021 06:31

Youre not fully happy in the relationship. He won't change (or he would have changed by now). So get out and find a relationship where you are happy.

CatarinaJ · 27/04/2021 06:36

I think you've got reason to be unhappy with this. It looks like he has feelings for her. Look at the voting. Consider ending it

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 06:39

I remember he said his ex girlfriend before me was jealous because he'd told her he'd stayed in touch with a friend he used to like, he didn't disclose which one but I suspect it's this one, though I may be wrong.

He actually hasn't seen her for quite a while. They did have plans but she cancelled last minute on him 2-3 times with no good reason. He said she's always like that and I questioned what he saw in the friendship in that case and he suggested I was jealous which was a little annoying, it would have been the same were it a male friend.

I tried to make closer friends with her myself but she wasn't really interested.

OP posts:

beginningoftheend · 27/04/2021 06:45

Your last post is pretty red-flaggy for me.

This psychodrama will continue.

I'd move on. You don't live together, no kids - you can meet someone who is really into you.

TabooNCoke · 27/04/2021 06:46

If it were a male friend his behaviour to you is still dismissive and you come second place. I think you need to value yourself more and get out of this relationship, good luck OP.

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 06:48

Thanks, yeah I told him I felt it was dismissive but he seemed annoyed and didn't agree. I don't know what to do, she has a serious bf anyway and apparently before him she had another long term one so not sure anything would happen between them anyway.

OP posts:

MarcelinesMa · 27/04/2021 06:49

It sounds like he’s in love with his friend and it doesn’t sound like it’s a healthy love. If I was you I’d end the relationship and be thankful that I wasn’t on the receiving end of this guy’s intense feelings. Seems like Emma is trying to get some space herself.

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 06:50

I should be careful not to resent Emma, however I do find her quite flaky, each time to meet us she was over an hour late. I tried to ask her for coffee once or twice but she just didn't reply and the canceling on my bf with no reason, I just get frustrated by people who think your time isn't important, but indeed this is his behaviour.

OP posts:

beginningoftheend · 27/04/2021 06:51

@Bluevioletindigo

Thanks, yeah I told him I felt it was dismissive but he seemed annoyed and didn't agree. I don't know what to do, she has a serious bf anyway and apparently before him she had another long term one so not sure anything would happen between them anyway.

It doesn't matter if she has a bf, the feelings your bf has for her are affecting your relationship.

I think you deserve someone totally into you.

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 06:52

But the fact that he's now consoling himself by saying she's annoying and so on is definitely something I've done as a defense mechanism in the past when I was hurt over a guy I liked. I said to him but you've known her all these years and you were never bothered by this before? It makes him feel better.

OP posts:

zoemum2006 · 27/04/2021 06:52

I’d need more from this relationship so would move on.

I want to be the priority and I don’t care if that makes me sound bad.

beginningoftheend · 27/04/2021 06:54

It doesn't make you sound bad @zoemum2006 - if you are not the priority to your partner (leaving aside children and caring responsibilities) what is the point?

MaMaD1990 · 27/04/2021 06:58

As PP have said YANBU. It also sounds as though she (and possibly her BF) isn't happy about him wanting to see her constantly and is stepping back from him. He sounds too intense and it comes across like he has some very strong feelings for this girl that he won't admit to. Walk away.

RosieLancs · 27/04/2021 06:59

He is secretly in love with her and she likes to keep him hanging for the attention.
You are and always will be second best in this relationship.
I know that isn't what you wanted to hear but it is true.
Either resign yourself to a life of that or ditch him and move on.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/04/2021 07:17

@Bluevioletindigo

I should be careful not to resent Emma, however I do find her quite flaky, each time to meet us she was over an hour late. I tried to ask her for coffee once or twice but she just didn't reply and the canceling on my bf with no reason, I just get frustrated by people who think your time isn't important, but indeed this is his behaviour.

Did you mean to quote her name, Op or was that a typo?

Yeah he covets her. She knows it too.

I'd dump and run!

PandaLady · 27/04/2021 07:21

You are not be honest with yourself. You are jealous of Emma andI think that is because both bf and her want you to be.

You are trying to compete for your bfs attention with this woman, which I suspect he enjoys and is encouraging.

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