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Original poster

Felt that bf supported female friend more than me

93 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 05:53

I feel really pathetic and childish saying this and was probably BVU.

He has this good friend that he's known for several years now, and I've been with him a year.
Earlier in our relationship he came to stay with me for 6 days, and I remember feeling insecure as he wanted us to meet up with her for 5 days out of those 6, he kept saying, shall we see what Emma's doing tomorrow?
He has other friends there, also felt hurt that he didn't want to just spend time alone with me. I would never at all not encourage him to see his friends, it was just that when we did see her we literally saw them from 2pm-1am and It felt too full on seeing somebody I didn't know nearly every day. I ended up telling him how i felt and he understood and said we'd just do our own thing the next day.

I wasn't there but one night after a night at a restaurant I think her colleague misread the signs, tried to come onto her and groped her bottom which was really out of order and wrong of him. I remember my bf being furious at the time, he was a really good support, on the phone with her about it, then there was talk of calling the police, getting him fired etc. And I remember thinking it's great he's so supportive.

A few weeks later it came up in topic again and I mentioned how it had happened to me a few times too when I was younger. I guess this was before the metoo movement etc. So it wasn't taken as seriously, but he was just kinda like, ah dear that's not bad, then moved on.

Then a couple of things happened in which i was assaulted by somebody with ASD, he asked if I was alright but then nothing else really and he made some jokes about it too. There was another distressing incident a couple of weeks later and again asked if I was ok etc. But nothing more.

It sounds really pathetic but I didn't feel that supported by him. It's not at all some competition of who has it worse, it's imperative that his friend got support but I felt like he supported her much more than he ever did me.

I think a month or so ago she said to him she was too busy to meet up then more recently she was out with some others. It's not very nice I agree, and i can tell this hurts him as he has consoled himself by saying well anyway she can be quite annoying and difficult etc. Even though he's never said that before, and saying he'd rather see X friend anyway.
I feel really childish and awful for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 07:24

Even if it were a male friend i'd question what he wanted with somebody so fickle and flaky but he said they have a great laugh and conversations together when he does see her.

I do find it odd that she's saying she's too busy to meet up, before that they hadn't actually seen each other for 4 months due to distance/lockdown etc.

I'm sure nothing would ever happen after all these years, that's what I try to tell myself, if it were going to happen it would have by now ?

That said I have known him for 5 years, he was with somebody else and we got back in touch by chance years later.

OP posts:
ladysunshine · 27/04/2021 07:24

He has a massive crush on her and has for years. Any attention from her at all feeds it, keeps it alive. He will always hope that she will turn to him one day, and she will always be his "one who got away."

Don't you deserve better than to be second best?

Shinesun14 · 27/04/2021 07:28

He's not that into you. If you want to give it a go you could explain how uncomfortable it makes you feel but you'll always have the insecure feeling of not being her and you don't deserve that.

Branleuse · 27/04/2021 07:29

I think id assume he was in love with her, but she didnt fancy him.

Original poster
Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 07:30

Last night he said he felt like I was coming for her when I highlighted this example.
I think it's because I mentioned an earlier example when I wasn't happy about buying them expensive rounds since I don't drink, but that is on me and I will not have to partake in the future.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2021 07:37

He's not that in to you.

If she dumped her boyfriend and asked him out, he'd be gone like a shot.

(But you're not listening anyway, so, do what you like).

nimbuscloud · 27/04/2021 07:41

What are you getting from this relationship?

Mammabearto3 · 27/04/2021 07:46

It feels like you have told the story of my earlier life with exbf!
I'm sorry to say this but his in love with her always has and always will be. When she is out with her bf watch his reaction around the bf, and what his like when her name's mentioned. When she needs something watch how fast his up out the door,

She knows he loves her and has him hanging around.

It's time to let him go and find someone amazing.

My ex was in love with another girl he always said "she is like a sister to me nothing to worry about, we're just friends, she is dating blahblahblah on my footy team"
when we broke he tried to make a move on her and she not only broke his heart it was smashed to a billion tiny little bits. They are no longer friend's and he realised after talking to a mate who made a comment about her just using him getting what she wanted and now will move onto another fool.

SelkieIntegrated · 27/04/2021 07:49

Sounds like he'd be with her if she wanted that too
You're his 2nd choice. Walk away
X

MarcelinesMa · 27/04/2021 07:53

I don’t think it’s fair to assume that Emma is purposely leading this guy on. It also doesn’t sound like the OP knows her at all well herself so is taking her boyfriends word for it that she is flaky and a shit friend, maybe because it’s easier to slag her off and make it her fault that this dude is clearly infatuated with her than make it his fault for being a shit boyfriend.

Cam2020 · 27/04/2021 08:00

I think it sounds like he likes her. She accepts the attention/support when it suits. Shes not into him.

hellywelly3 · 27/04/2021 08:06

As the saying goes he’s just not that into you. It sounds like he likes this Emma but they haven’t got together for some reason. I would move on because if you’re not even number one priority at the start of your relationship you certainly won’t be in a few years time

NorthernMC · 27/04/2021 08:11

He likes Emma.

Nicolastuffedone · 27/04/2021 08:15

Is this the girl who comes from the wealthy family, you were annoyed at buying drinks for? Your boyfriend has no money and you were having to sub him?

ScottChegg · 27/04/2021 08:22

Well it doesn't sound like she's that bothered about him but his behaviour is certainly off. Personally, I'd be wondering if there was some triangulation going on on his part. Does he do anything else that makes you feel on the back foot?

At the very least, it sounds like he's into her and that wouldn't be something I'd be up for tolerating. Nobody wants to feel like an afterthought.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/04/2021 08:22

Did you post about the first trip previously?
I recognise the details of his friend.
No matter what happens between them your interpretation will be based on the fact you believe he fancied her or wants her.
It's sad she could be a good friend, I'd a big circle of male friends sometimes in a new relationship the partner got paranoid.
Do you want him to end the friendship?

ittakes2 · 27/04/2021 08:25

Why are you saying your feelings aren't important and don't matter? It doesn't matter what he has said or done - its how you feel about everything that is the important bit. You have tried - maybe too hard - he doesn't make you feel great about yourself so I would move on and create space in your life for someone who makes you feel you are the most important woman in the world for him.

Tistheseason17 · 27/04/2021 08:26

Dump him.
He's just waiting and hoping (pointlessly) that she'll become single snd he'll be there.
You are the understudy in this little play. His ex realised this and so should you.

DaphneDuBois · 27/04/2021 08:27

Him wanting to see her for 11 hours a day five days running (and would have been 6 if you’d not said something) while you pretty much tag along on their night out is just ridiculous. Your nights / days out revolved around her. He was supposed to be spending quality time with you! An outsider would struggle to know who was the girlfriend there! He obviously gets an enormous amount of enjoyment to spending time with her and it seems more on a par with what you’d expect with a bf/ gf dynamic. I have an awful feeling that he likes her more than he is willing to accept so I’d not be happy with this scenario at all.

DaphneDuBois · 27/04/2021 08:28

*from

JackieWeaverFever · 27/04/2021 08:30

@YouJustDoYou

he's in love with her but she's not in love with him. He covets her and gets jealous when she doesn't want to be with him all the time (because he's being way too intense with her and she sounds a bit suffocated by him). And, he's just not that in to you.
Yep this.
SaturdayRocks · 27/04/2021 08:34

But the fact that he's now consoling himself by saying she's annoying and so on is definitely something I've done as a defense mechanism in the past when I was hurt over a guy I liked.

There is an actual term for this - ‘sour grapes’.

OP - I say this kindly, but I don’t think you’re taking in what everyone is saying. Yes, if something were going to happen between them, it would have happened by now.

That’s entirely down to Emma. She’s not interested. He absolutely is.

If it were down to him, they’d be an item.

Again, kindly - he’s not that into you. I do genuinely mean this with the best of intentions. The whole ‘he’s not that into you’ is to urge you to realise this is entirely one-sided, and you need to move on.

It’s not going to get any better, because his feelings for her are stronger than his feelings for you.

The idea of being anyone’s second fiddle is so anathema to me, as to just want to run shuddering from this situation as fast as I can.

JemimaJoy · 27/04/2021 08:37

I haven't RTFT buy alarm bells are really ringing for me. His eagerness to see her and talk to her and be involved with her, and her blowing him off a lot and also not replying to your messages about coffee makes me think that maybe he has feelings for her, she knows, and she feels awkward about it. Or that perhaps something had happened between them and she feels awkward...

ScottChegg · 27/04/2021 08:38

I can't help but wonder if the reason he was so furious at her colleague was actually because he was jealous that the colleague groped her arse.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 27/04/2021 08:41

From what you have said, everyone reading can see that he is in love with Emma but she isn't in love with him, she just likes having him around as her puppy-dog.

Get rid of him and find someone who loves only you