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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Felt that bf supported female friend more than me

93 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 05:53

I feel really pathetic and childish saying this and was probably BVU.

He has this good friend that he's known for several years now, and I've been with him a year.
Earlier in our relationship he came to stay with me for 6 days, and I remember feeling insecure as he wanted us to meet up with her for 5 days out of those 6, he kept saying, shall we see what Emma's doing tomorrow?
He has other friends there, also felt hurt that he didn't want to just spend time alone with me. I would never at all not encourage him to see his friends, it was just that when we did see her we literally saw them from 2pm-1am and It felt too full on seeing somebody I didn't know nearly every day. I ended up telling him how i felt and he understood and said we'd just do our own thing the next day.

I wasn't there but one night after a night at a restaurant I think her colleague misread the signs, tried to come onto her and groped her bottom which was really out of order and wrong of him. I remember my bf being furious at the time, he was a really good support, on the phone with her about it, then there was talk of calling the police, getting him fired etc. And I remember thinking it's great he's so supportive.

A few weeks later it came up in topic again and I mentioned how it had happened to me a few times too when I was younger. I guess this was before the metoo movement etc. So it wasn't taken as seriously, but he was just kinda like, ah dear that's not bad, then moved on.

Then a couple of things happened in which i was assaulted by somebody with ASD, he asked if I was alright but then nothing else really and he made some jokes about it too. There was another distressing incident a couple of weeks later and again asked if I was ok etc. But nothing more.

It sounds really pathetic but I didn't feel that supported by him. It's not at all some competition of who has it worse, it's imperative that his friend got support but I felt like he supported her much more than he ever did me.

I think a month or so ago she said to him she was too busy to meet up then more recently she was out with some others. It's not very nice I agree, and i can tell this hurts him as he has consoled himself by saying well anyway she can be quite annoying and difficult etc. Even though he's never said that before, and saying he'd rather see X friend anyway.
I feel really childish and awful for this.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2021 08:42

He does seem heavily invested, more than her. You are jealous, the historic examples of being groped were never ever going to be the same and would have come across as competing and attention seeking.

Look he’s not going to change his friendship, so you either accept it or you end it and move on. It’s really that stark in terms of choice.

OrangeRug · 27/04/2021 08:48

@ScottChegg

I can't help but wonder if the reason he was so furious at her colleague was actually because he was jealous that the colleague groped her arse.

That makes perfect sense.

Caplin · 27/04/2021 08:51

So I'm going against the grain a bit here, but some girls are emotionally manipulative and like to know that they can keep guys on a string. She knows she can get your BF to run to her, and sounds like a bit of a drama lama. He probably enjoys being needed and feeling important. Some blokes love emotionally vulnerable women and their inner caveman kicks in.

Meanwhile, you might actually be very calm and self sufficient, and because you don't weep and wail he doesn't feel the need to swing in like tarzan. Personally this is the type of relationship I prefer as it is more likely to be drama free.

Eventually she will move onto another chump, or he will get fed up of the drama.

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 08:52

There's no attention to be gained from supporting you, as it's private and in your own home.

Supporting Emma in a public figure after the groping makes him seem a good guy and a hero in front of her and others.

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 08:52

setting, not figure

EmeraldShamrock · 27/04/2021 08:53

Supporting Emma in a public figure after the groping makes him seem a good guy and a hero
Wouldn't most men comfort a female friend if the were touched inappropriately in public.

Wegobshite · 27/04/2021 08:55

Didn’t you post about this the other day
About the expensive rounds - £70 and you only drink soft drinks
You pay fir everything as your boyfriends doesn’t earn much but you only earn £20,000
If it’s you then your an idiot - as others says he’s using you for your money and he loves a Emma
If it’s not you he still loves Emma

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 08:56

Yes, but then to just say a token 'are you alright' to your own wife and to make jokes about it when it happens to her twice after Emma's assault, shows that he is doesn't really give a shit, it's just about looking like a nice guy.

Magnificentmug12 · 27/04/2021 08:57

We have a mate who was like this. He fancied her like mad and had a huge crush on her but she wasn’t interested in him that way but would string him a long as friend. Using him for support and laughs and nights out but never wanted to be with him, just take advantage of the fact he had a huge crush on her.

Sounds like the same here, she isn’t interested in being with him but enjoys all the attention he brings

Original poster

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 08:58

I have never asked and never would ask him to change the friendship as that's not my right, just as he wouldn't ask with a male friend of mine.
I agree re historic events, but I was also referring to recent events that had happened to me.

OP posts:

FlyNow · 27/04/2021 09:01

@EmeraldShamrock

Supporting Emma in a public figure after the groping makes him seem a good guy and a hero Wouldn't most men comfort a female friend if the were touched inappropriately in public.

But then wouldn't most men also comfort their girlfriend if that happened? (not historic incident, OP said it happened again recently).

I'm cringing for this guy, he is making his crush so obvious, and this poor women is clearly trying to brush him off by not seeing him as often, but he just isn't getting the message.

Whether he is interested or not is irrelevant (although he clearly is), this type of two faced and also uninterested behaviour shows he just isn't in to OP. Even if it was a male friend he was spending 6 nights per week with, and fussing over this friend for things I'd get made fun of for.... Nah he just isn't interested.

Synthesiser · 27/04/2021 09:04

@Bluevioletindigo

I have never asked and never would ask him to change the friendship as that's not my right, just as he wouldn't ask with a male friend of mine. I agree re historic events, but I was also referring to recent events that had happened to me.

What are you going to do then? Just put up with being with someone who'd rather be with another woman if they'd have him?

DoingItMyself · 27/04/2021 09:05

5 days out of those 6, he kept saying, shall we see what Emma's doing tomorrow
Because it's Emma who really matters.
Ditch him.

TheNinny · 27/04/2021 09:07

guys in relationships that have a girl BFF are so annoying. Not a popular opinion on here though. He seems quick to peg you jealous which indicates to me that he is of her, or has feelings deeper than he lets on. Never play second fiddle. I would hate to have to accomodate a place for a friend like this - male or female. In these situations its almost never 'just friends'. Does he pine/sulk over his close male friends this way?

SaturdayRocks · 27/04/2021 09:07

I agree re historic events, but I was also referring to recent events that had happened to me.

Right. So, given he’s not interested in what’s going on with you even now, what are you going to do?

KingdomScrolls · 27/04/2021 09:07

This is the guy who doesn't work who expects you to sub him from your low income, also is clearly infatuated with someone else. It sounds like he's also too much for her and when he gets too intense she backs off. She's had two long term relationships without showing any interest in him. This is on him not her. More to the point what are you actually getting from this relationship? He sponges off you, doesn't work, doesn't care how you feel and is obsessed with another woman.

KingdomScrolls · 27/04/2021 09:11

FWIW I have a male best friend, our grandparents were best friends and we grew up together. There's never been any kind of non platonic interest. Whilst he is my primary friend I am also friendly with his wife (I don't socialise with her without him unless we're getting our DC together though) and he is friends with my DH and they do go out occasionally together to the cinema etc without me. So I absolutely believe it's possible to have platonic opposite sex friends, but that's not what this is.

wheniwas17 · 27/04/2021 09:12

Jesus op. He wants to be with her. Just dump him and stop ruminating.

TheLastLotus · 27/04/2021 09:13

@TheNinny I agree. The ‘cool wives’ on here may not care but a ‘best friend’ should be someone my guy can talk to about me - I wouldn’t want him telling another woman. He can have female friends sure but not a soulmate BFF bonding type thing. I must be number one girl.

OP - I think he’s only in a relationship with you to disguise his crush on her. Because she has a BF already. Dump and run gurl!

Spied · 27/04/2021 09:14

In an ideal world he would be with Emma.
If she showed a tiny bit of interest in him romantically then you wouldn't see him for dust.
Do you really want to hang around as the consolation prize?

ElspethFlashman · 27/04/2021 09:18

I don't think Emma is leading him on or using him.

It could be that Emma has gotten a bit sick of her mates clingyness and the frequency of his contact and is purposefully not meeting up as much as before. And it could be the reason she doesn't want to meet up with his GF for coffee. She just wants to keep her distance from his whole thing.

In other words, Emma may have twigged that she lives rent free in his head. And it makes her uncomfortable.

HerMammy · 27/04/2021 09:19

11 hours a day 6 days a week?? He’s obsessed.
Stop wasting energy trying to figure this out, dump and move on.

steppemum · 27/04/2021 09:51

@YouJustDoYou

he's in love with her but she's not in love with him. He covets her and gets jealous when she doesn't want to be with him all the time (because he's being way too intense with her and she sounds a bit suffocated by him). And, he's just not that in to you.

I'm really sorry, but I agree with this

Original poster

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 09:55

Sorry I didn't mean that every day was 11 hours, it had been one day and then it just felt too much to meet again several times that week after that

OP posts:

Branleuse · 27/04/2021 10:02

[quote TheLastLotus]@TheNinny I agree. The ‘cool wives’ on here may not care but a ‘best friend’ should be someone my guy can talk to about me - I wouldn’t want him telling another woman. He can have female friends sure but not a soulmate BFF bonding type thing. I must be number one girl.

OP - I think he’s only in a relationship with you to disguise his crush on her. Because she has a BF already. Dump and run gurl! [/quote]
Yeah 100%

I dont mind my partner having female friends, but a female BFF is not something id put up with. Far too close to an emotional affair, and 95% of th e time its a one sided unreciprocated crush.

I used to be much more open minded about this sort of thing when i was younger, but repeated experience has brought me to this conclusion, and not just from the girlfriend perspective but from the female friend perspective too

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