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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Felt that bf supported female friend more than me

93 replies

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 05:53

I feel really pathetic and childish saying this and was probably BVU.

He has this good friend that he's known for several years now, and I've been with him a year.
Earlier in our relationship he came to stay with me for 6 days, and I remember feeling insecure as he wanted us to meet up with her for 5 days out of those 6, he kept saying, shall we see what Emma's doing tomorrow?
He has other friends there, also felt hurt that he didn't want to just spend time alone with me. I would never at all not encourage him to see his friends, it was just that when we did see her we literally saw them from 2pm-1am and It felt too full on seeing somebody I didn't know nearly every day. I ended up telling him how i felt and he understood and said we'd just do our own thing the next day.

I wasn't there but one night after a night at a restaurant I think her colleague misread the signs, tried to come onto her and groped her bottom which was really out of order and wrong of him. I remember my bf being furious at the time, he was a really good support, on the phone with her about it, then there was talk of calling the police, getting him fired etc. And I remember thinking it's great he's so supportive.

A few weeks later it came up in topic again and I mentioned how it had happened to me a few times too when I was younger. I guess this was before the metoo movement etc. So it wasn't taken as seriously, but he was just kinda like, ah dear that's not bad, then moved on.

Then a couple of things happened in which i was assaulted by somebody with ASD, he asked if I was alright but then nothing else really and he made some jokes about it too. There was another distressing incident a couple of weeks later and again asked if I was ok etc. But nothing more.

It sounds really pathetic but I didn't feel that supported by him. It's not at all some competition of who has it worse, it's imperative that his friend got support but I felt like he supported her much more than he ever did me.

I think a month or so ago she said to him she was too busy to meet up then more recently she was out with some others. It's not very nice I agree, and i can tell this hurts him as he has consoled himself by saying well anyway she can be quite annoying and difficult etc. Even though he's never said that before, and saying he'd rather see X friend anyway.
I feel really childish and awful for this.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/04/2021 10:09

I have a few close male friends I'd go out for dinner with etc but I wouldnt be happy in this situation. I treat them the same as my female friends, same amount of contact and activities etc. Its strange in a new relationship to say 'let's see what x is doing today' every day instead of spending it with your new partner. It's strange if this friend is flaky and avoiding him, that he is the one she turns to when she needs support. Unless he is the type of person that everyone turns to in a crisis because he is so sympathetic and supportive but if he isn't that type of person in general then he is giving her special treatment and I wouldnt be happy about that

HerMammy · 27/04/2021 10:21

@Bluevioletindigo
Stop burying your head in the sand, every op has said bin him move on and still you’re going over the same stuff.
Emma is the love of his life, not you!

Tooshytoshine · 27/04/2021 10:33

Ah, I guess the question is whether you are usually an insecure or jealous person? I'm guessing you aren't and your instincts are dead on here - they are telling you to run.

FourTeaFallOut · 27/04/2021 10:41

This relationship sounds like it's more trouble than it's worth. I'd ship out.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/04/2021 10:51

But then wouldn't most men also comfort their girlfriend if that happened? (not historic incident, OP said it happened again recently).
Of course. OP I'd break up with him, let him sort his priorities, if it's meant to be he'll show you.
Life is short and you're not seconds for anyone, let him piss off or show some respect.

Original poster

Bluevioletindigo · 27/04/2021 11:26

I feel like I've probably got it all wrong and it's all in my head.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 27/04/2021 11:30

@Bluevioletindigo I don't think so. Your instincts are up for a reason listen to your gut feelings.
Humans relied on their instinct and have learned to ignore it over the years.
I've often mentioned to DD if you feel something is wrong niggling on feelings explore.

username12345T · 27/04/2021 11:39

@Bluevioletindigo

Last night he said he felt like I was coming for her when I highlighted this example. I think it's because I mentioned an earlier example when I wasn't happy about buying them expensive rounds since I don't drink, but that is on me and I will not have to partake in the future.

OP it's odd enough that your bf wants to spend 4 out of 5 days with his friends. Most people in new relationships, can't get enough of each other. Now you're saying that they are asking you to buy rounds when you don't drink, which is taking advantage of you. You are being 'triangulated' and need to get out of the relationship.

Giantrooster · 27/04/2021 11:44

@Bluevioletindigo

I feel like I've probably got it all wrong and it's all in my head.

No, you are closing your eyes firmly to the fact that you are not on the same page relationship-wise. He is not as invested emotionally in you as he is in his friends (no matter the reason). Why keep trying to make the relationship work, if you can find someone else who will put you as top priority?

LaceyBetty · 27/04/2021 11:45

@Bluevioletindigo

I feel like I've probably got it all wrong and it's all in my head.

You haven't got it all wrong. Trust your instincts. I'm so sorry, but he's more into her than into you. You deserve someone who doesn't make you second guess your relationship at a year in. It's out there so don't settle.

blubberball · 27/04/2021 12:02

Fuck him off.

seensome · 27/04/2021 12:15

He's more interested in hanging around with her then spending time with you, if you have 6 days to spend with him and he wanted to spend time around her for 5 of those days, is far too much I wouldn't even tolerate that if it was a male friend, it's shows you not the main priority in his life and you are someone to just accompany him.

YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 12:22

Yep, you might indeed be insecure, but all the signs are still there that this is a guy who prioritises others ahead of you and sees you as 'girlfriend' and not 'friend'... when you should be both.

Don't settle for someone who makes it clear that most of the time, they'd actually rather be spending their time with other people. Be with someone who actually likes and anjoys your company, and being a couple, a lot more than that.

I've been there. Dumped him. Best decision ever. Now with someone who has lots of friends both male and female, and still manages not to make me feel like crap.

TheLastLotus · 27/04/2021 12:29

@Bluevioletindigo I know this is not easy to hear... we are heee for you, courage

VodkaSlimline · 27/04/2021 12:35

Earlier in our relationship he came to stay with me for 6 days, and I remember feeling insecure as he wanted us to meet up with her for 5 days out of those 6, he kept saying, shall we see what Emma's doing tomorrow?

Did you post about this at the time? It sounds very familiar. There was a thread where someone posted about this exact situation, and was told that her relationship was unlikely to succeed as the boyfriend clearly had latent feelings for his female friend.

MarcelinesMa · 27/04/2021 12:53

@Bluevioletindigo

I feel like I've probably got it all wrong and it's all in my head.

Judging by how many people are saying to dump him because he’s more into his “mate” than you, no, you’re not wrong it’s not in your head.

As always though men like this get away with being either lacklustre or downright shit partners because it’s easier to hang on to them and blame some other woman whether it’s in any way her fault or not, for his crap boyfriend behaviour.

VeganVeal · 27/04/2021 13:25

Massive red flags, he sounds like a pig, you deserve better OP

LifeExperience · 27/04/2021 16:51

He's in love with her, not you, but she's not in love with him. You deserve a man who loves you.

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