Page 5 | Is it rude for people to comment on who your child looks like ?

nonaomi · 2021-04-26T13:52:15+00:00

For example - wow Rosie really looks like her mother doesn't she ! Or, wow I can really see her father in her. Etc. Is it rude to do that?

Scarby9 · 26/04/2021 22:48

'I don't need to ask who your daddy is!'
Said by a nursery worker to the child's uncle (brother of child's mum).

The actual dad was right next to his BIL, but so far there is genuinely no sign of any likeness between the child and dad, whereas the child is the spitting image of his uncle.

The nursery worker was mortified, but the family laughed.

ineedaholidaynow · 26/04/2021 23:21

When I was a child many people told me I looked like my mum, I'm adopted. We used to share a family smile when anyone said it, didn't think it was rude, but obviously couldn't see any likeness.

Wanderlust20 · 26/04/2021 23:51

Only rude if said parent is extremely ugly!

Enough4me · 26/04/2021 23:57

No as it's the truth. My DC look like mainly like my exH, their dad, as we have different hair/eye colour, but I would still say positively that they look like their dad as it is true and part of their family connection (he is not positive about me, but I don’t want to join in with negatively).

Dobbyisahouseelf · 26/04/2021 23:57

Nope perfectly normal.

dottiedaisee · 27/04/2021 00:01

I think most people look at a baby and can only see the similarities of the person they are closest too ...perfectly normal IMO .

CityCommuter · 27/04/2021 00:16

No it's not rude at all, it's a compliment! Children especially like to be told that they resemble someone in their family as it gives them a sense of identity and also security where they feel safe in a way...

On another note I know someone who is adopted but coincidentally has an amazing resemblance to her non-biological Mum and is constantly told she looks like her by people who don't know she's adopted! Ironically though she's met her biological Mum, they don't look alike but have similar personalities and the same voice apparently!

Her explanation for looking like her adopted Mum is that she's taken on her mannerisms and smile etc over the years as she's been with her since being a baby so those things make her 'look' like her Mum rather than actual physical similarities so the mind plays tricks basically...

LadyLolaRuben · 27/04/2021 00:23

No

blackheartsgirl · 27/04/2021 08:07

I very rarely say it as I've put my foot in it sometimes.

I commented recently that dp is the spit of his late dad, he went very quiet and changed the subject after a muttered everyone says that.

I think that in hindsight there has always been a little tension between them in later years, his dad was very ill the last couple ofyears and so it was a bit of a trigger.

I did comment on how much a friends ds looked like his dad and she commented really how odd, they aren't related 😳 and then added probably kindly that she was chuffed about it as they adored each other

Livpool · 27/04/2021 08:25

It's not rude at all. And all I have had for 5 and a half years is how DS is the image of his father! He has my eye and mouth shape - that is ALL

Temp023 · 27/04/2021 08:25

Nancy Mitford was spot on when she said that a newborn generally looked “like a poached egg in a wig! “

Thatsnotmyfacemynoseistoobig · 27/04/2021 08:29

No not at all

GrimDamnFanjo · 27/04/2021 08:43

@CityCommuter

No it's not rude at all, it's a compliment! Children especially like to be told that they resemble someone in their family as it gives them a sense of identity and also security where they feel safe in a way...

On another note I know someone who is adopted but coincidentally has an amazing resemblance to her non-biological Mum and is constantly told she looks like her by people who don't know she's adopted! Ironically though she's met her biological Mum, they don't look alike but have similar personalities and the same voice apparently!

Her explanation for looking like her adopted Mum is that she's taken on her mannerisms and smile etc over the years as she's been with her since being a baby so those things make her 'look' like her Mum rather than actual physical similarities so the mind plays tricks basically...

I've heard of that before. It makes sense when you think about it.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 27/04/2021 08:45

Agree not rude to say they look alike but very rude to say they don’t. My adopted niece was asked by her friend’s mum why she didn’t look like her mum (new friend who apparently didn’t know she is adopted) - she’s six - what is she supposed to say she handled it with aplomb and simply said oh I have a different birth mum and moved the conversation on. Thankfully my other adopted niece wasn’t asked as she would have been quite upset by it and would have dwelt on it for ages thinking she didn’t belong.

Mittens030869 · 27/04/2021 10:10

@Martinisarebetterdirty

That was a horrible thing for your niece’s friend’s mum to say. But wow, well done to your niece! My DD2 (9) would have been really upset if a friend’s mum said that to her, as she’s going through a phase of hating it if we speak about her adoption.

Whereas DD1 (12) is very attached to her life story book and is now wanting answers, some of which we can answer and others not.

They’re birth siblings as well, but completely different in that way.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 27/04/2021 10:55

@Mittens030869 my nieces are birth siblings too, and so different around life story work. Funnily enough the elder one is 9 and she would have hated it so maybe an age thing?

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 27/04/2021 11:01

Nope, it isn’t rude but I always find it totally pointless. I’m genuinely not interested in who my DC most look like, I’m more interested in their health and happiness!

I’ll never forget the health visitor saying ‘you went through all of that hell with the birth only for him to look just like his Father, such a shame.’ I didn’t challenge her at the time but he was born following multiple miscarriages so I was honestly just thankful he was alive and well.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 27/04/2021 11:03

One of my cousin’s was born via IVF using a donor egg following years of fertility treatment and a couple of failed IVF rounds. My Uncle, without even thinking, put his foot in it when she was first born by saying ‘she doesn’t really look like either of you’. Aunt was devastated.

Original poster

nonaomi · 27/04/2021 11:11

@Thatisnotwhatisaid oh no. Better not to comment. So sad.

OP posts:

Isababybel · 27/04/2021 12:18

Its not rude but i find it an annoying comment - yes its funny how my child that has mine and her fathers genes looks a bit like both of us!!

notacooldad · 27/04/2021 12:23

It's normal small talk.
Even now when I put pictures up on Facebook of us as a family nearly all the comments are that Ds2 is my absolute double and that ds1 is his father's stamp. Both kids are adults so this conversation never goes away!

Crappyfridays7 · 27/04/2021 12:25

My eldest son is the absolute double of his dad down to dimples on his ears and all. My third son (diff dad) is also very very like his father more so than my eldest to his. My ds2 & 3 look nothing like their dad and ds2 is more like me but ds4 doesn’t look like anyone at all. Doesn’t bother me tbh as people sometimes like something to talk about but I wouldn’t say it to anyone as you don’t know the family dynamics and I’m really good at saying the wrong thing. Best to keep my mouth shut and talk about the weather

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 27/04/2021 12:25

It's normal.
Only rude if you compare them to somebody ugly or generally heinous,

"Oooh your wee Tyler is the spit of that Vladimir Putin isn't he!'

notacooldad · 27/04/2021 12:27

yes its funny how my child that has mine and her fathers genes looks a bit like both of us!!
In our case it's not looking a bit like both of us.
Ds2 is the male version of me from his height, coloring, nose eyes, eyebrow shape and hairline He only looks like his dad when he frowns. If you saw me Dh and ds1 out together you would wonder who the mother is!! There are no similar features.

MangoM · 27/04/2021 12:46

I don't mind when people comment on who my baby looks like. It's just small talk.

It really amuses me that some people apologise before stating that my son looks just like his dad. (He's a clone of his Dad, which I think is hilarious) Not sure why they feel the need to say sorry. I'm okay with that, considering I married him and had a child with him. Is it an insecurity thing that people prefer for their child look like themselves?