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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to only go to the wedding ceremony?

125 replies

CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 10:10

I have a child free wedding that I've been planning to attend with my DH at the end of June. We have an EBF DS that will be 8 months by the time of the wedding and I'm finding the thought of leaving him really difficult. When I was pregnant, it seemed obvious to me that I would be able to go and leave DS with my parents.

The couple are good friends to both of us, but my DH is childhood friends with the groom to be. I've let the couple know that I would be attending the full day, but now I'm wondering if only attending the ceremony is a more realistic option. Would you be unhappy about this if you were the bride and groom?

I must admit, it has recently come to my knowledge that a 4 month old baby is being allowed to attend and it has made me slightly less anxious about causing upset. I haven't directly asked for my DS to attend as it is obviously against their wishes and they have hinted that the floodgates will open if any other babies are allowed to attend. I completely understand where they're coming from.

OP posts:
Racoonworld · 26/04/2021 10:23

If you're good friends with the couple can you discuss it with them? Going to the ceremony is a good compromise, I would e a bit upset if my close friends didn't discuss it with me as I'd want to help find a solution (although I wouldn't have a child-free wedding in the first place!).

Do it it soon though, If it were my wedding I'd want to know as soon as possible as numbers are finalised in advance and they will have to pay for you even if you don't come.

DenisetheMenace · 26/04/2021 10:26

In those circumstances, I think I would go to the ceremony then suggest that my husband stayed on for the rest of the day/evening, as he such a good friend of the groom.

swimlittlefishy · 26/04/2021 10:29

he won't be EBF at 8 month though. I don't get why you wouldn't just go to the wedding. It's one day.

user648482729 · 26/04/2021 10:31

Really they have no right to get upset as they’ve made the decision to have a child free wedding and that’s one of the consequences. However they may still be upset both because if they don’t have DC they will find it hard to understand and weddings make people a bit odd and self centred.

Angrypregnantlady · 26/04/2021 10:33

You need to talk to them about it. If they are adamant your son can't come then tell them you won't stay beyond the ceremony.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/04/2021 10:33

Try leaving DS for short periods before the wedding, get him familiar staying with grandparents.
You've 2 months to organise it.
You should go ahead and enjoy yourself.

sadpapercourtesan · 26/04/2021 10:35

I wouldn't go at all. But that's because I think "child-free" weddings are crass, self-centred and ghastly affairs, and any couple that thinks they have the right to separate a baby from its mother for the sake of Their Day deserves a few empty seats.

idontlikealdi · 26/04/2021 10:38

I'd go to the wedding!

But if you were my friend and I had a child free wedding I would understand if you didn't want to attend.

Assuming you are in the UK I would decline the whole invite though. What are the rules on numbers, there could be someone they really want on the list who could take your place.

AnotherEmma · 26/04/2021 10:40

How far away is the wedding?

I wouldn't go at all, I am not a fan of child-free weddings anyway, and I think it's worse when people take the piss (which they often do) by making exceptions for some and not others.

My DD is 7 months old and breastfed, and I wouldn't go to a wedding without her.

If the bride and groom will be upset because you don't want to leave a 8 month old baby, they shouldn't have had a child-free wedding.

Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 10:49

@DenisetheMenace This is exactly what I was thinking of doing! That way DH could stay until the end of the reception too.

@swimlittlefishy I thought that whilst weaning has started by this point, the majority of their nutrition still comes from milk? I also don't seem to be very good at expressing milk and I'm concerned about being uncomfortable or leaking at the wedding.

@user648482729 This is my concern. They love DS and plan to become parents, but don't really understand the challenges that come with leaving a baby behind.

OP posts:
C152 · 26/04/2021 10:51

If you gave them notice now that you can only attend the ceremony, I wouldn't be annoyed. If you left it too late for them to invite someone else / change numbers with the catering company, I would be really ticked off.

tickingthebox73 · 26/04/2021 10:51

I went back to work at about 6 months - Ds stayed home with my parents..... He quickly adjusted to breast milk morning and evening, he ate proper food at lunchtime. I did start by coming home midday for him to have a drink but he wasn't bothered, he was happy having some formula as well or water for a drink....
So in a very long winded way - leaving him for a few hours will be fine...as others have said you will be weaning him by then and he will be on a variety of food, so breast milk doesn't matter so much.

Racoonworld · 26/04/2021 10:54

I thought that whilst weaning has started by this point, the majority of their nutrition still comes from milk?

It does, yes. It's at age one it becomes less important. My DD is 9 months and wouldn't be able to go a whole day without her milk even though she's having three meals a day.

Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 10:54

@idontlikealdi The wedding is at the end of June, so the rules will have ended at this point (hopefully). I plan to let them know my plans asap but it's so hard to know how my DS will be by the wedding. I really want to go to the ceremony at the very least.

@AnotherEmma The wedding is an hour's drive away. So I reckon 3 hours in total away from DS is manageable.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/04/2021 10:55

Yeah i wouldn't drive an hour each way just for the ceremony.

SummaLuvin · 26/04/2021 10:57

@sadpapercourtesan

I wouldn't go at all. But that's because I think "child-free" weddings are crass, self-centred and ghastly affairs, and any couple that thinks they have the right to separate a baby from its mother for the sake of Their Day deserves a few empty seats.
What a bizarre comment, of course weddings are self-centred, they are about the couple, not their guests babies.

OP - I agree with others who have said if they are good friends they will understand that you might not wish to be separated from you baby for a whole day, and I'm sure they will be happy to have you there for the ceremony. They will 100% know that a child free wedding won't suit everyone. However, ensure you tell them this in advance!!! They will be out of pocket if you say you will be there and are not, my venue was about £60 per head for the meal, then more on drinks, evening food, canapés... They also might be very tight on numbers (due to cost) so you not having the meal could open it up for them to have someone else there. Similarly, if they are doing drinks/canapés between ceremony and wedding breakfast, let them know if you plan on staying for that bit so they can plan accordingly.

AnotherEmma · 26/04/2021 10:58

Several PPs have said that an 8 month old can manage without breast milk for the day, I doubt they'd withhold formula from a formula-fed baby for a whole day Angry

With an hour's drive each way, if you attended the whole thing, you'd be gone for about 12 hours wouldn't you? How many 8 month old babies go without milk for 12 hours?!

Hopeful16 · 26/04/2021 10:58

I disagree with people who think it's crass as I think weddings are boring for children and hard work for parents with babies, small children. Trying to keep them quiet so as not to spoil the important parts for people to hear can be challenging.
Talk to them. If it's close by could your parents bring him to you at an appropriate time for a feed to help him and you and then you return to the wedding for a little while. Not ideal I know but maybe a good compromise.

foxyroxyyy · 26/04/2021 11:00

@swimlittlefishy

he won't be EBF at 8 month though. I don't get why you wouldn't just go to the wedding. It's one day.
It's her choice. My child is 14 months and I still wouldn't go. Remember some of us have become mothers during a pandemic and might not have ever left our child before.
PerveenMistry · 26/04/2021 11:03

It's fine to attend only the ceremony.

Just let them know so they don't pay for uneaten meals.

swimlittlefishy · 26/04/2021 11:03

Obviously it's her choice. But it IS a choice. She's not unable to leave him, she's choosing not to.

swimlittlefishy · 26/04/2021 11:04

@AnotherEmma

Several PPs have said that an 8 month old can manage without breast milk for the day, I doubt they'd withhold formula from a formula-fed baby for a whole day Angry

With an hour's drive each way, if you attended the whole thing, you'd be gone for about 12 hours wouldn't you? How many 8 month old babies go without milk for 12 hours?!

I guess you've never heard of putting breastmilk into a bottle? Or a cup?
PerveenMistry · 26/04/2021 11:04

@sadpapercourtesan

I wouldn't go at all. But that's because I think "child-free" weddings are crass, self-centred and ghastly affairs, and any couple that thinks they have the right to separate a baby from its mother for the sake of Their Day deserves a few empty seats.
Hmm

Many people enjoy elegant events without children running around and making noise.

MichelleScarn · 26/04/2021 11:04

@sadpapercourtesan

I wouldn't go at all. But that's because I think "child-free" weddings are crass, self-centred and ghastly affairs, and any couple that thinks they have the right to separate a baby from its mother for the sake of Their Day deserves a few empty seats.
Why are they 'crass and ghastly' ? Very emotive words, why should a couple who are spending a fortune centre other people's children at their wedding, when its very likely the child in question won't have a clue who the couple are, or what's going on?
Embracingthechaos · 26/04/2021 11:05

If someone wants to have a child free wedding then that is totally fine, but they must understand that it means that their friends and family who have children may not be able to attend.

I don't think anyone is doing anything unreasonable in this scenario. I think you just need to decide how long you are comfortable being away from your baby, and then make a decision from there. If you can only make the ceremony, or you can't make it at all, then I'm sure they will understand. If they don't then they are being unreasonable.

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