AIBU to only go to the wedding ceremony?

[CuriousSeal]

I have a child free wedding that I've been planning to attend with my DH at the end of June. We have an EBF DS that will be 8 months by the time of the wedding and I'm finding the thought of leaving him really difficult. When I was pregnant, it seemed obvious to me that I would be able to go and leave DS with my parents.

The couple are good friends to both of us, but my DH is childhood friends with the groom to be. I've let the couple know that I would be attending the full day, but now I'm wondering if only attending the ceremony is a more realistic option. Would you be unhappy about this if you were the bride and groom?

I must admit, it has recently come to my knowledge that a 4 month old baby is being allowed to attend and it has made me slightly less anxious about causing upset. I haven't directly asked for my DS to attend as it is obviously against their wishes and they have hinted that the floodgates will open if any other babies are allowed to attend. I completely understand where they're coming from.

@SaturdayRocks Thanks for sharing your experience. I too am not expecting them to make an allowance for me. I just want them to understand why I will only be attending the ceremony.

[quote CuriousSeal]@emilyfrost But I haven't said that I should attend the full day? I've suggested going to just the ceremony as I don't feel comfortable leaving DS for over 12 hours for all the reasons listed above. I completely respect their right to have a child free wedding.

I care about my friends' feelings though and I'm worried that they will be disappointed/annoyed at my reason.[/quote]
I don’t think they will be annoyed. I think the fact that you’re making the effort to go to the ceremony, and that your DH is staying all day, shows you do care about their day. Lots of people in your situation would just both decline the whole thing which comes across as sulking about the baby not being invited whereas you come across as trying to do your best.

I don’t think they should have invited the 4 month old but I imagine they’re not trying to cause offence.

I hope you enjoy getting glammed up for the ceremony!

@sadpapercourtesan

I wouldn't go at all. But that's because I think "child-free" weddings are crass, self-centred and ghastly affairs, and any couple that thinks they have the right to separate a baby from its mother for the sake of Their Day deserves a few empty seats.

This is hilarious 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I have a small baby now and I wouldn’t expect them to be invited to a wedding; it’s a completely inappropriate setting for them.

This just shows how much weddings have changed, we're so precious about them now. A gathering of family and friends to witness and celebrate a couple's declaration of love for and commitment to one another - how is that a completely inappropriate setting for a baby?

I can understand people not being able to cater for loads of children, or wanting to keep numbers down, but "completely inappropriate"?

OP, I think your plans are perfect and very thoughtful.

TheSmallAssassin
Indeed

We also don't win any prizes for exclusive breast feeding and babies are fine with the occasional formula.
Sometimes we just make it more difficult for ourselves, with no reason at all.

I breastfed to 12-13 months, when I could, after going back to work. DS had a bottle of formula in the middle of the day during the week, and I breastfed exclusively during the weekend and holidays.

There is absolutely no need to faff with expressing to go to the wedding. And we don't have to be glued to the baby all the time either. We can have a life beyond the baby. The occasional bottle of formula won't take away any benefits from the breastfeeding.
It is different if the baby refuses formula or has any reactions to it, but I wouldn't (and didn't) exclude it just to proclaim I was EBF.

I think @TheSmallAssassin is being deliberately obtuse and misrepresenting the comment about weddings being inappropriate environments for children/babies. I think the way in which that comment was made wasn't suggesting they should never be at weddings, but rather they are far from ideal environment for them. Lots of strangers, expectations that they will be quiet during important parts, boring adult chatter, not much space for playing, can't run around because of drinks/food being served, in the evening when they are getting tired blaring music and funky lighting, very late night... Weddings are not fun for children, therefore they are not the most appropriate environment for them. I don't think PP was suggesting it would be inappropriate to have any child at a wedding, but if you think about what a nice day is for a baby/child when you would not come up with a wedding, that's all.

@DragonMuff Thank you for the reassurance! This is exactly how I feel and I hope it plays out that way.

I think that they were put on the spot regarding the 4 month old and probably felt that they had to say yes. As I said in the OP though, it does make me feel slightly less bad about not attending the full day.

@Lweji I hadn't really considered giving formula for the day to be fair. If the bride and groom don't want to offer my seat to someone else and are happy for me to wait and see how I feel before the caterer's deadline then I may try out giving him formula in a cup before the wedding to see how he takes to it. I probably would still skip the reception but it could mean that I'm able to stay for the meal. I would need to find a way to express on the day for my own comfort though.

If you're just going to the ceremony then tell them asap so they don't have to pay for your meal.

I also wouldn't go to the ceremony and meal and then leave, it looks like you've just stayed for the free food.

We had a childfree wedding as we could only have a total 50 people in the venue (including us) and having people's children would have meant we'd have to cut out actual adult friends which we'd rather have there.

@RevolutionRadio I'll give the bride and groom a choice of whether they would like me there for the ceremony and meal (but not the reception). I wouldn't just leave after the meal without making them aware beforehand. Surely you could say that other guests just stay after the meal for the free drinks and cake? I'm sure they know that I'm not after free food! Anyway, it is likely that I will still only be attending the ceremony, but if they're happy to wait for a final decision then I'll take them up on it.

Just don't go. We have 5 children so always turn down invites to child free weddings as just not feasible for us. People are welcome to have child free weddings but families aren't obliged to drum up child care if they can't or don't want to. I have a 7 month old and I wouldn't be leaving him for any amount of time really, he still has milk a lot still and his needs come before me wanting to go to a party.

Not everyone can express, I couldn’t yet DD was EBF and still BF now as a toddler. I still can’t express an ounce.
I wouldn’t have been able to leave DD all day until she was about 12 months. Before then she fed too often despite successful BLW. Not only would she be distressed, I’d be in agony and no wedding is worth mastitis.

[quote CuriousSeal]@RevolutionRadio I'll give the bride and groom a choice of whether they would like me there for the ceremony and meal (but not the reception). I wouldn't just leave after the meal without making them aware beforehand. Surely you could say that other guests just stay after the meal for the free drinks and cake? I'm sure they know that I'm not after free food! Anyway, it is likely that I will still only be attending the ceremony, but if they're happy to wait for a final decision then I'll take them up on it.[/quote]
In my own opinion I think it's bad form to stay for the most expensive part of the wedding (the meal) and then leave.

At this point I'd speak to them and see what they think. They may just ask you to the reception if you can't do all day. We told our guests who couldn't come to the wedding and meal that they'd be welcome to come to the reception if they were able/wanted to.

[quote CuriousSeal]@Lweji I hadn't really considered giving formula for the day to be fair. If the bride and groom don't want to offer my seat to someone else and are happy for me to wait and see how I feel before the caterer's deadline then I may try out giving him formula in a cup before the wedding to see how he takes to it. I probably would still skip the reception but it could mean that I'm able to stay for the meal. I would need to find a way to express on the day for my own comfort though.[/quote]
Just to say OP that by 8 months of breastfeeding my supply had stabilised enough that it neither dipped if I gave formula for the day nor did I feel uncomfortable from a day of not breastfeeding, when a few months previously I definitely would have done and would have been anxious about the effect on supply. You might not have to bother with the faff of taking a pump.

@RevolutionRadio I'll definitely run it past them. However, I won't be attending only the reception. If I'm only attending one part, then it will be the ceremony.

@breadbinbaby This is good to know!

It's a few weeks in advance and I think you are doing the right thing.

You're not being unreasonable and I think this is a good compromise. All I would say is that as a child free woman who had a child free wedding what annoyed me was people who expected me to go to all their children's events which were miles away and frequent but wouldn't make the effort to come to my wedding. It's an important day for them and if you feel you can leave your baby for a while I'm sure they would appreciate it. If not, going for the ceremony (or maybe until after the drinks reception or meal, leaving before the evening) is a good compromise in my opinion. They won't see you at the marriage so would be nice if you could go to the reception for a bit perhaps so you can congratulate them properly.

@Dogfan Thank you for sharing your views as a child free woman. If I can make it work and the couple are happy then I will try my absolute best to do as you say. I'd really like to see them say their vows and congratulate them immediately afterwards at the very least.

I’m not sure how much an 8 month old actually gets from being at a wedding and for toddlers I’m sure most of the day is deadly dull unless entertainment is laid on for them.

@ineedaholidaynow I completely understand where you're coming from but it is more about the emotional and logistical challenges that come with being separated from a baby. I'm trying my best to make a good effort for the couple but it may not be practical for me personally.

I would aim for staying for ceremony and meal. Quite a few more elderly guests at our wedding left after the meal: you don't get much of a chance to talk to people at/just after the ceremony but we went around and talked to all the tables.

At our wedding, we accepted babes in arms (under 1), nieces and nephews and godchildren - which was still 10 children! If we'd invited all children, we would have had to radically cut down our guest list: venue had a 120 max and there would have been 40 children from that list. It would have felt like a school outing, not a wedding.

Someone did bring their parents to ours - parents didn't come to ceremony but they decided they were making a weekend of it, wanted to come and let their hair down, so brought baby (nearly one) for ceremony, then handed over to parents, popped outside for feed and cuddle after meal, then came back to party.

Things change at this age quicker than you realise. At 7 months DD had never been with anyone other than me and DH, at 10 months I went back to work, by 8 months I think I would have happily gone to a ceremony and left her with my in-laws, popped out for a feed, then aimed to be back with her for maybe 8pm? I think she would have been fine with that. So I'd be as flexible as you can really.

@CuriousSeal I’m not getting at you, I was responding to people who think children are missing out on not being invited to weddings.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I always think the ceremony is the most important part of the wedding and want to see people say their vows to each other. The hours hanging around for photos, speeches etc I could miss quite happily.

@namechangemarch21 Your suggestion of what you would do sounds great! Unfortunately the venue is an hour away from my in laws and wouldn't be willing to wait outside the venue with my DS, but would be happy to babysit from their home. My family would, but the wedding is mid-week and they work. It would be really cheeky to ask any of them to use their holiday to hang around a wedding venue with my DS.