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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to only go to the wedding ceremony?

125 replies

CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 10:10

I have a child free wedding that I've been planning to attend with my DH at the end of June. We have an EBF DS that will be 8 months by the time of the wedding and I'm finding the thought of leaving him really difficult. When I was pregnant, it seemed obvious to me that I would be able to go and leave DS with my parents.

The couple are good friends to both of us, but my DH is childhood friends with the groom to be. I've let the couple know that I would be attending the full day, but now I'm wondering if only attending the ceremony is a more realistic option. Would you be unhappy about this if you were the bride and groom?

I must admit, it has recently come to my knowledge that a 4 month old baby is being allowed to attend and it has made me slightly less anxious about causing upset. I haven't directly asked for my DS to attend as it is obviously against their wishes and they have hinted that the floodgates will open if any other babies are allowed to attend. I completely understand where they're coming from.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 17:19

@FizzyApricot That's interesting that they were annoyed. Did they say why?

I don't want to upset anyone but I agree that the ceremony is the most important part in my opinion.

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 26/04/2021 17:21

@Starlight86 noted Grin

Alsohuman · 26/04/2021 17:25

@Derbee

Have just seen that it’s also a bloody mid week wedding! Surely lots of people will tell them to stick it anyway
I doubt it. Lots of people are desperate to start enjoying life again and have shedloads of holiday saved up. I can’t see many people saying no to a wedding regardless of when it is.
FizzyApricot · 26/04/2021 17:52

[quote CuriousSeal]@FizzyApricot That's interesting that they were annoyed. Did they say why?

I don't want to upset anyone but I agree that the ceremony is the most important part in my opinion.[/quote]
I think they had booked for a certain number of people and were struggling to get the numbers.

Goblin74 · 26/04/2021 20:37

I wouldn't go. My ds is 9 months old and still breastfeeds multiple times throughout the day. I couldn't leave him "just one day" as a previous poster suggested. He refuses to drink water, I am unable to pump and there's no chance I'd let him go all day without his 4 breastfeeds 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lweji · 26/04/2021 20:46

OP, if you are fine on yourself to leave your baby for a few hours, don't be discouraged from reports of other babies not drinking from a bottle, or not drinking water, or whatever.

See how your baby does between now and the time, or at least during the next month. Maybe try how he does with your parents for a couple of hours now.

Babies can accept things from others that they won't accept from their mothers. They know we have breasts with milk. Other people don't.

For all we know, he will be fine with a bottle, and formula, and will take lots of different foods by then. And won't miss you at all. Wink

HerMammy · 26/04/2021 20:52

but don't really understand the challenges that come with leaving a baby behind
There is no challenge, you’re making this about a child free wedding when in actual fact it’s your choice not to leave your baby, you’ve stated you’ve only ever left him with your own DH for one hour in 4 months.

DenisetheMenace · 26/04/2021 20:59

CuriousSeal

@DenisetheMenace This is exactly what I was thinking of doing! That way DH could stay until the end of the reception too.“

At that age, I wouldn’t have been able to wait to get back to them 😊.

I think one of you at a child free wedding reception is a very fair compromise.

whatkatydid2013 · 26/04/2021 20:59

@Lweji

OP, if you are fine on yourself to leave your baby for a few hours, don't be discouraged from reports of other babies not drinking from a bottle, or not drinking water, or whatever.

See how your baby does between now and the time, or at least during the next month. Maybe try how he does with your parents for a couple of hours now.

Babies can accept things from others that they won't accept from their mothers. They know we have breasts with milk. Other people don't.

For all we know, he will be fine with a bottle, and formula, and will take lots of different foods by then. And won't miss you at all. Wink

Yep agree with this. If you don’t want to leave them and would rather just go to the ceremony then just let them know. If you’d ideally like to go but are just worrying have a bit of a trial soon and see how it goes. Both mine were ebf. Went back to work with eldest just before she turned 6 months. Last thing I did before dropping her at nursery was feed her and I would feed her at nursery while hearing about her day before we went home. She was always fine for 8.5-9 hours at nursery. She’d drink water and eat lots of fruit/veg puree and on occasion she’d have some milk from a sippy cup. My youngest wasn’t much older (10.5 months) when I took a 2 week work trip. She managed grand with a combination of expressed milk and food while I was gone and was straight back to feeding as usual when I came back. I literally was in the house for 2 minutes before she was yanking my top after milk. In the end if you aren’t there and someone else offers an alternative many babies will accept it from them when they’d never in a million years accept it if you tried to give it to them. Babies are often more adaptable than they are given credit for and I think often people will say they can’t manage various things when in reality they have no real idea as they never really tried. Net if you don’t want to don’t do it as you won’t enjoy your day in that case. If you do want to and the in laws are willing to manage for a day then go for it. It’s really not going to damage a child to have a single day as a baby when you aren’t about.
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 26/04/2021 21:01

Indeed, darn those 8 month olds with all their running and shouting 🙄

lockdownalli · 26/04/2021 21:07

I probably wouldn't bother going.

I could never express, many women find it impossible. It's a long round trip really just for the ceremony.

Disclaimer: I find weddings really boring.

Sceptre86 · 26/04/2021 21:12

I don't think they will be annoyed if you tell them in advance. The truth is that they may well not understand the impact it would have on baby being away from you or vice versa but then neither did you or you wouldn't have agreed to go in the first place. Every baby is different but a lot 8 months old how many milk feeds are they likely to need? You could express and build up some milk to be used during the day. It mostly boils down to the fact that you don't want to be away from baby for that long, fair enough but you should say so that they can amend plans if necessary. I don't get the concept of child free weddings but I am from an asian background and it is alien to my culture. They can have whatever kind of wedding they wish as it is their day.

partyatthepalace · 26/04/2021 21:41

Well he’ll be 8 months by then, so you could express plus he’ll be eating a bit.

It might be nice to go and have a nice day? You can always organise it that if you really aren’t enjoying it you could nip away? - but you might well have fun.

partyatthepalace · 26/04/2021 21:45

@sadpapercourtesan

I wouldn't go at all. But that's because I think "child-free" weddings are crass, self-centred and ghastly affairs, and any couple that thinks they have the right to separate a baby from its mother for the sake of Their Day deserves a few empty seats.
What on Earth are you on?!
headintheproverbial · 26/04/2021 21:48

Just do what you think. I'd ask them if you can bring DS provided you make clear it's fine to say no. We allowed all 'babes in arms' to our kid-free wedding.

Darbs76 · 26/04/2021 22:08

I’d let them know you can only come to the ceremony - they might say you can bring baby, if not just attend ceremony only as you’re not comfortable leaving baby all day. They will understand

tigerbreadandtea · 26/04/2021 22:21

Are you planning to go back to work? I am going to a wedding in a few months when my baby will be nine months and I can't wait for a night off with my husband

Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 22:32

@HerMammy Well, we have been in lockdown throughout the majority of DS's life. Frankly I'm not fit enough to run for over an hour yet anyway and I may as well take DS on any walks I go on.

If you don't think that there are logistical challenges that come with leaving a BF baby with anyone for 12 hours or more then fair enough. I just feel differently.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 22:40

@tigerbreadandtea I'm not sure yet!

I'd like a night off, but I don't feel confident that my DS will be ready and I'm not sure how much faffing around with expressing before and during a wedding is worth it. I also won't be able to drink or relax as I'll just be thinking about DS while everyone else gets drunk around me! This is why I think attending the ceremony is a fair compromise.

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 26/04/2021 22:54

We got married in our mid 30s and if our friends had brought their children that would have been 34 children...

So we had family children only, plus one family from the other end of the country whose daughter was a bridesmaid. There was also a six week old baby who was ebf. His mother had said she was looking forward to a baby-free day but we made it clear the baby was welcome as I know she would never have left him Smile

But 34 other children? Nah.

tigerbreadandtea · 26/04/2021 23:08

Your DS would be fine at eight months and I'm sure you would have a great time. But pumping is a right faff. I've stopped breastfeeding now and it is so much easier being able to have a break from the baby.

Pottedpalm · 27/04/2021 07:56

@StCharlotte

We got married in our mid 30s and if our friends had brought their children that would have been 34 children...

So we had family children only, plus one family from the other end of the country whose daughter was a bridesmaid. There was also a six week old baby who was ebf. His mother had said she was looking forward to a baby-free day but we made it clear the baby was welcome as I know she would never have left him Smile

But 34 other children? Nah.

Yep; a friend’s daughter married in her late 30’s. They were pretty much the last in their friendship group and if they had included children, there would have been more than 20 who were three and under. Most friends were understanding, but there’s always a few .. DH and I had a child-free wedding; DH’s aunt and uncle still brought their six year old, and dressed him as a page boy 😡
emilyfrost · 27/04/2021 08:38

@swimlittlefishy

he won't be EBF at 8 month though. I don't get why you wouldn't just go to the wedding. It's one day.
This.

I don’t think the couple should be allowing any babies if they want a childfree wedding. We didn’t allow any babies or children of any age and any parents we had invited sorted childcare, but if they couldn’t and wouldn’t have been able to attend that would have been fine by us.

I have a small baby now and I wouldn’t expect them to be invited to a wedding; it’s a completely inappropriate setting for them.

SaturdayRocks · 27/04/2021 08:48

My DC2 was pretty much still exclusively on breast milk at 8 months - believe me, I’d have loved her to be eating more solids, but she wasn’t interested.

In any case even if your 8MO is eating solids, they will still need regular breastfeeds.

We were invited to a child-free wedding when DC2 was 4 months. I called the groom (our friend), and just explained that I’d love to come and celebrate their day, but would really sadly have to sit out, as I wasn’t going to be able to leave DC for that long.

No guilt-tripping or awkwardness. Just an explanation. In the end, they said it was fine to bring her, but if it hadn’t been, that would have need fine to - their wedding, their choice.

But please ignore those who haven’t breast-fed past 6 months / weaning, as they won’t really understand what it’s like. I never expressed because I couldn’t, and we didn’t have grandparents to leave DC with, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
CuriousSeal · 27/04/2021 08:54

@emilyfrost But I haven't said that I should attend the full day? I've suggested going to just the ceremony as I don't feel comfortable leaving DS for over 12 hours for all the reasons listed above. I completely respect their right to have a child free wedding.

I care about my friends' feelings though and I'm worried that they will be disappointed/annoyed at my reason.

OP posts: