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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to only go to the wedding ceremony?

125 replies

CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 10:10

I have a child free wedding that I've been planning to attend with my DH at the end of June. We have an EBF DS that will be 8 months by the time of the wedding and I'm finding the thought of leaving him really difficult. When I was pregnant, it seemed obvious to me that I would be able to go and leave DS with my parents.

The couple are good friends to both of us, but my DH is childhood friends with the groom to be. I've let the couple know that I would be attending the full day, but now I'm wondering if only attending the ceremony is a more realistic option. Would you be unhappy about this if you were the bride and groom?

I must admit, it has recently come to my knowledge that a 4 month old baby is being allowed to attend and it has made me slightly less anxious about causing upset. I haven't directly asked for my DS to attend as it is obviously against their wishes and they have hinted that the floodgates will open if any other babies are allowed to attend. I completely understand where they're coming from.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 11:45

@Derbee I know! It's a really tricky one because of it being mid-week too. I feel bad for them though as it was originally a Saturday.

My in-laws would be the go to babysitter if I attended the ceremony as they're retired but they aren't the type that would travel down with me. They would want to babysit from their home which is fair enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 11:50

@OverTheRainbow88 The ceremony is at 1pm. I could try to do a 5 hour stretch, but it does make me anxious at this point.

In terms of going back to work, that's a whole other decision that I'm working on at the moment!

OP posts:
Chickenlickeninthepot · 26/04/2021 12:05

Can I go instead? I'd give a kidney to have a day off from my 5mo and get dressed up!

Baby can have some food, milk in a cup, some water - it'll probably be very interesting getting looked after by someone else and before you know it it'll be time to come home. I remember crying about leaving then 9mo DS to go to a wedding over night, he couldn't have given less of a shit that I'd gone away. Little swine.

Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 12:19

@chickenlickeninthepot Oh I planned to get glammed up even if it is just for the ceremony haha. Any excuse!

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 26/04/2021 12:31

@CuriousSeal

Or miss the ceremony and go for the social canapés and chat bit!! I’d rather that then the boring service!!!!

daisyjgrey · 26/04/2021 12:54

@sadpapercourtesan

I wouldn't go at all. But that's because I think "child-free" weddings are crass, self-centred and ghastly affairs, and any couple that thinks they have the right to separate a baby from its mother for the sake of Their Day deserves a few empty seats.
Hmm
SummaLuvin · 26/04/2021 13:06

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@CuriousSeal

Or miss the ceremony and go for the social canapés and chat bit!! I’d rather that then the boring service!!!![/quote]
I actually think this is fairly bad form. If you can't get to certain parts of the day it is different, but electing to go only to the bits for free food, free drink, and a chat with other guests above the ceremony itself is a touch rude.

Pottedpalm · 26/04/2021 13:12

@Derbee

Have just seen that it’s also a bloody mid week wedding! Surely lots of people will tell them to stick it anyway
Or maybe politely decline? Why the need for the unpleasantness? It has been difficult enough for people trying to get weddings organised this year .
Nicolastuffedone · 26/04/2021 13:38

Happily my wedding was neither crass, self-centred or ghastly! You must have just been unfortunate in the weddings you’ve attended.

daisyjgrey · 26/04/2021 13:45

@Nicolastuffedone

Imagine having the audacity to think that people who have said they'd prefer to have a party without loads of children around are in the wrong!

Yes if you say "no children please" then you expect some people to be unable to attend but there's nothing wrong with wanting a party to be adults only, for safety, for atmosphere, for the ability for everybody to 'switch off' to an extent.

People are bonkers!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/04/2021 13:47

YANBU. My baby was a bottle refused and at 8 months, wasnt eating and drinking enough of anything else to make up for it. They would have been too hungry after more than a few hours and also my boobs would have been uncomfortable. I found expressing difficult as well

MatildaTheCat · 26/04/2021 13:52

Have a chat with them and explain your predicament and ask if they’d be ok with you just attending the ceremony. I’d say there’s a good chance they will say bring the baby along, it probably hasn’t occurred to them that it’s difficult to leave a baby of that age. You tend not to really get this stuff until you become a parent. (I’m assuming they don’t have DC?)

Newkitchen123 · 26/04/2021 14:01

@sadpapercourtesan

I wouldn't go at all. But that's because I think "child-free" weddings are crass, self-centred and ghastly affairs, and any couple that thinks they have the right to separate a baby from its mother for the sake of Their Day deserves a few empty seats.
Do you never go to formal occasions without your children? Maybe the couple come from a family where there are not always children around. Maybe they don't want to spend a fortune on their wedding and potentially have crying children who just want to go off and play Maybe it's easier for them to just say no rather than some but not others. Maybe they want people to have more than a few drinks and let their hair down
MixedUpFiles · 26/04/2021 14:17

It’s a very good compromise.

Pumping during the event will be annoying. You will be uncomfortable if you don’t.

Just tell them before counts are finalized.

worriedatthemoment · 26/04/2021 14:24

@AnotherEmma express milk ,? Even just a little , many people are back at work for 8/9 hrs and are still bf

Fuckitsstillraining · 26/04/2021 14:25

I had a child free wedding, loved it to be honest. Never wanted kids running around getting in the way or being noisy. My 16 year old son and five of his mates were the youngest there. One of my husbands good friends had a baby two months before the wedding and knew what we had decided, I did tell her she was more than welcome to bring her baby (no other friends had kids that young) but she actually had a friend come for the day and babysit at the hotel so she could freely enjoy herself just going to feed baby when needed. The hotel heard what she was doing and gave her friend a complimentary room and meals which was a lovely touch. I am so glad I went with a child free event even if my brother and sil tried to insist on their children attending (they were invited to service and meal but strictly adults only for evening), I would highly recommend it.

worriedatthemoment · 26/04/2021 14:26

Could you not go to ceremony and meal and just not stay for the evening ?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2021 14:31

I don't understand why you'd bother going at all with all the faff involved. Just let your husband go and he can have a fun time. He can get a hotel room and come home the next morning.

AnotherEmma · 26/04/2021 14:36

[quote worriedatthemoment]@AnotherEmma express milk ,? Even just a little , many people are back at work for 8/9 hrs and are still bf [/quote]
Obviously expressing milk is an option, but PPs weren't suggesting that, they were just saying that OP's baby wouldn't need any milk at all 🙄
And as I (and others) pointed out, some breastfed babies won't take a bottle, cup is an option that could work, but OP might not want the faff of expressing and the worry that her baby might not drink from a bottle or cup.

Starlight86 · 26/04/2021 14:37

@idontlikealdi

I'd go to the wedding!

But if you were my friend and I had a child free wedding I would understand if you didn't want to attend.

Assuming you are in the UK I would decline the whole invite though. What are the rules on numbers, there could be someone they really want on the list who could take your place.

Jesus Grin
Starlight86 · 26/04/2021 14:38

Sorry ignore my above post, that was meant to quote @sadpapercourtesan comment

ImaginaryCat · 26/04/2021 14:45

I'd talk to the B&G and ask which bit they would prefer me to attend. The ceremony is the dullest bit. I wanted my mates there for the party after, when we could chat and dance. If they'd had to choose which bit they could attend, I'd have told them to sack off the ceremony.
Plus the party was the bit we'd paid most for, it made no difference money-wise if people didn't come to the ceremony.

Cindersrellie · 26/04/2021 15:01

All I will say is, when DD was 4 months old we left her with my parents for the first time from 6pm-10pm to attend the rehearsal dinner of close friends, and then the following day from 3pm-11pm for the wedding and it was bloody amazing! Being free and partying with my husband and our friends after months of feeding and facilitating sleep, it was just wonderful. The first night, the rehearsal dinner, all of my instincts were telling me to go back but I knew she would be perfectly safe and happy with my parents, and they would phone me if I needed to come back. It was so worth it.

Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 17:13

@worriedatthemoment I think it would still be too long away from DS for me personally.

@Aquamarine1029 Because they're good friends and I'm a romantic. I'd love to see them say their I dos.

OP posts:
FizzyApricot · 26/04/2021 17:16

I just went to the ceremony of a friend's wedding and they were really angry I had declined the invite to the party after. I had health reasons which meant I would have struggled to get through the day. I think you need to ask them if they mind if you just come to the ceremony. I mean to me that was the important bit.