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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to only go to the wedding ceremony?

125 replies

CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 10:10

I have a child free wedding that I've been planning to attend with my DH at the end of June. We have an EBF DS that will be 8 months by the time of the wedding and I'm finding the thought of leaving him really difficult. When I was pregnant, it seemed obvious to me that I would be able to go and leave DS with my parents.

The couple are good friends to both of us, but my DH is childhood friends with the groom to be. I've let the couple know that I would be attending the full day, but now I'm wondering if only attending the ceremony is a more realistic option. Would you be unhappy about this if you were the bride and groom?

I must admit, it has recently come to my knowledge that a 4 month old baby is being allowed to attend and it has made me slightly less anxious about causing upset. I haven't directly asked for my DS to attend as it is obviously against their wishes and they have hinted that the floodgates will open if any other babies are allowed to attend. I completely understand where they're coming from.

OP posts:
chantico · 26/04/2021 11:06

l thought that whilst weaning has started by this point, the majority of their nutrition still comes from milk?

Missing some milk on one day is not going to make the slightest difference to an 8mth old's overall nutrition.

But if you don't want to stay, then don't. But tell them now, so they can adjust numbers

Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 11:08

@AnotherEmma Exactly. Weddings are long and I wouldn't really enjoy myself being away from DS for 12 hours. I'd just be wondering if he was ok the whole time plus I wouldn't be able to drink and our social group like to let their hair down 😅.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/04/2021 11:09

@swimlittlefishy
"I guess you've never heard of putting breastmilk into a bottle? Or a cup?"

I guess you've never heard of breastfed babies who don't take a bottle?

Cup is an option if baby can drink from it and if the OP can express enough milk - and wants to.

They could try formula but if a baby's never had it and isn't used to it, he might not drink it.

Also, some babies can't have regular formula (neither of mine could due to CMPA).

There is also simply the fact that the OP might not want to leave her baby and that's absolutely fine and understandable.

OhKnackers · 26/04/2021 11:10

@swimlittlefishy

he won't be EBF at 8 month though. I don't get why you wouldn't just go to the wedding. It's one day.
Because not everyone feels comfortable.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 26/04/2021 11:10

@swimlittlefishy

Obviously it's her choice. But it IS a choice. She's not unable to leave him, she's choosing not to.
So?
AnotherEmma · 26/04/2021 11:11

Cross post!

MiddleParking · 26/04/2021 11:14

Personally I think people should invite babies of that age to their weddings or not expect their parents there. Especially if there’s another baby that’s not a newborn going.

MindyStClaire · 26/04/2021 11:15

It's completely fine to just go to the ceremony but I don't think you need to decide just yet. Could your DH find out the date they need to give final numbers? Or are there covid restrictions, if you drop out now could they invite someone else (I've lost track)?

Just that these two months will likely see big changes in how your baby feeds. I couldn't have left mine at 6 months, but by 8 months I could've gone to the ceremony and stayed at the reception until bedtime (bottle refusers).

MindyStClaire · 26/04/2021 11:16

@MiddleParking

Personally I think people should invite babies of that age to their weddings or not expect their parents there. Especially if there’s another baby that’s not a newborn going.
In fairness, OP hasn't said who the other baby is, they may be from immediate family.
dropthedeadhorse · 26/04/2021 11:16

I went to a wedding when EBF DD was 4 months old. DH wasn’t invited so he stayed in the hotel with me and had DD nearby just in case. I wasn’t great at expressing milk but DD took a bottle fine and I accumulated a good supply for the day. She was fine and I was fine- it was the first time I had ever left her.

I actually had an amazing time at the wedding and being able to be away from DD was very freeing. My boobs were rather large by the end of the night but DD was waiting for me in the hotel room to sort that out! I also could have expressed but hasn’t really thought to arrange bringing a pump.

Anyway, that was my experience and I only went because I thought I needed a fun day away and the groom was a good work friend of mine and a group of other work friends were there too and it was lovely to have some adult only time. If you don’t want to go then just don’t!

Lweji · 26/04/2021 11:16

I'd go, but not stay for the evening.
But then, I went back to work when DS was 4 months old.

Realistically, at 8 months your baby will be more independent. It is not a bad thing to start leaving him for a few hours at 6 months. He will be fine.
And it is not a bad thing to give the odd bottle of formula.

In any case, I'd probe the B&G about taking the baby. Babies are different from children. They are more portable and don't require extra seating.

Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 11:18

Thank you for all the reassuring comments. Having all of these different perspectives does really does help me with how I will approach the bride and groom.

It is a choice. I could keep trying to express and get DS used to a bottle but I think I would rather just got to the ceremony. That way I don't need to worry about expressing/feeling uncomfortable/leaking throughout the day and I won't be worried about DS.

@foxyroxyyy I think you're probably right. DS is my first baby and I've only ever left him with DH for an hour at the most.

OP posts:
GenuineViolet · 26/04/2021 11:19

My daughter had children at her wedding and although she wouldn't say so I think she wishes she hadn't. It wasn't the solemn but happy occasion we had hoped for but a stress-fuelled ordeal. I don't think small children and babies much enjoy weddings and don't see a problem with child free.

gingergiraffe · 26/04/2021 11:23

Seriously don’t overthink this. A few hours away from your baby will be fine and you will probably enjoy it more than you think. In your situation I would, if possible get someone to bring baby to the venue just after the meal for a feed and then stay until early evening when everyone has had a good chance to socialise and there is a gap before the evening celebrations start. No doubt it will get very noisy once the music starts and it will be all about dancing and drinking, not very pleasant for young children. Leave some water or a little breast milk if you can but try not to worry. It will be fine. Then you can get home in time for an evening feed.

BearGum · 26/04/2021 11:23

@swimlittlefishy

he won't be EBF at 8 month though. I don't get why you wouldn't just go to the wedding. It's one day.
Yes he WILL be eating other things but might not take a bottle though. I found myself in a similar position with an EBF 7 month old - my parents (not invited to the wedding) brought DD to the wedding venue in the middle of the day so I could BF her in the car, then they took her away for a couple of hours (went to the park or something) and then brought her back for another feed before taking her home for bath tea and bed - and I fed her again when I got home from the wedding and she just had to go without her early evening drink. But that was only doable because the venue was an hour from our home. If something like this isn't possible for you I would just tell them that when you accepted the invitation you had no idea that you'd still be breastfeeding by the time the wedding came around, but that as you are, regretfully you cannot be separated from the baby for a whole day... you'd love to come to the ceremony (and maybe join them for a glass of fizz at the venue) but then slip away before the meal leaving DP to enjoy the rest of the evening. I don't think that's unreasonable.
Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 11:25

@MindyStClaire The 4mo baby's father is an old school friend. So, the decision was based on the baby's age I believe. They don't know the baby's mother at all.

OP posts:
Derbee · 26/04/2021 11:30

I wouldn’t leave my baby, and drive an hour each way just for a ceremony. Especially for someone who was into the idea of a child free wedding.

If you have a wedding with conditions, you can’t be offended when some people can’t come. If it caused offence or drama that you didn’t want to leave your baby, so couldn’t come, then you’d be better off without them in your life anyway

Aprilshowersandhail · 26/04/2021 11:31

A 4mo is very different to an 8mo. Younger baby will likely be happy to be held... At 8 mo they want to be down /off doing things!!

Original poster
CuriousSeal · 26/04/2021 11:33

@dropthedeadhorse Your situation sounds ideal! I was wondering if I could convince a family member to come along and babysit nearby so that I could do feeds throughout the day (as they're lovely like that). However, the wedding had to move from a Saturday in May to a Wednesday in June due to Covid and I'm not cheeky enough to ask a family member to take a day off to be my nanny 😅

OP posts:
swimlittlefishy · 26/04/2021 11:33

OP you don't need to introduce a bottle. I never did with my EBF babies, I gave them BM in a cup (which can be used at any age, one of mine had to be cup fed at birth for medical reasons!)

Scottishskifun · 26/04/2021 11:34

It's worth speaking to the couple we did no children with exception of family or babies under 1.
You might find that they are OK with this.

Otherwise I would just be open and honest that as he's BF you can attend the ceremony but not the reception.

florafoxtrot · 26/04/2021 11:34

I went to a wedding when my EBF DD was 7.5 months old... we left her with my in-laws who hadn't really any experience of looking after her beforehand (they live a distance away)

She was absolutely fine but I wasn't, I found it very hard to be away from her and on reflection I wish I'd either explained the circumstances to the couple or had previously made the decision to just go for the ceremony and for a short while afterwards. Everyone had assured me she would be fine so I didn't really have a definite plan and I ended up panicking a bit when my boobs starting to hurt.

It is quite a difficult one as everyone's circumstances are different and its not always as simple as just expressing and giving a bottle if you've not been in the way of doing that. You've got a bit of time so I guess my advice would be to have a good think about what you feel more comfortable with and come up with a plan, you'll feel better once you know what is happening.

Derbee · 26/04/2021 11:35

Have just seen that it’s also a bloody mid week wedding! Surely lots of people will tell them to stick it anyway

Northernsoullover · 26/04/2021 11:36

@sadpapercourtesan

I wouldn't go at all. But that's because I think "child-free" weddings are crass, self-centred and ghastly affairs, and any couple that thinks they have the right to separate a baby from its mother for the sake of Their Day deserves a few empty seats.
Really? I have been to a few with children there and its not fair on the children nor the adults. The children get bored and start acting up and it means that the adults can't relax. The only exception I can think of is one where they hired nursery assistants and a childrens entertainer. That was a win but £££
OverTheRainbow88 · 26/04/2021 11:40

What times the ceremony?

I would BF before I leave, go to ceremony and then stay until the meal; eat some canapés and have a glass of bubble (which is usually about 2-3
Hours after the ceremony) then go home.

That’s probably about 5 hours. Then BF when you get home. Parents can offer baby a sippy cup of formula or expressed milk in between and some food and water.

Most people go back to work about 12 months; so getting used to you both being apart for chunks of time might be a good thing to introduce