To think that I'm not spoiling the afternoon because I dont want to drink alcohol.

[MajorMujer]

Going out to a much anticipated Sunday Lunch with DH.
No driving involved, DC are adults ( to set the scene )
I've just told DH that I will take the dogs out later as I'm not drinking over lunch. Apparently I'm " miserable " and will " spoil the day" .
I get migraines if I drink in the day, he knows this.
I have no problem sitting with an orange juice whilst he has a couple of pints, he also knows this.
I've told him to stop being a knob and that it's quite controlling of him to have said this.
He is now backpeddaling like a unicyclist at the circus.
So, AIBU to not drink alcohol when I dont want to ?

Of course YANBU, but neither is he.
He could have worded it much better though.
Sometimes I'm ok drinking through the day, other times cracking headache, so no, you shouldn't drink.

Can we please lay off Jemima.

It's not only completely ridiculous to suggest no one can possibly understand what she means by drinking or not drinking changing the vibe. I'm sure you are all perfectly wonderful people regardless of alcohol but it is bloody obvious what she is saying. She is as entitled to her opinion as anyone else (I totally agree with you @JemimaJoy, but even if I didn't, I'd still think your pile on is unfair) 💖

I haven't drunk alcohol for years, I seem to have become sort-of allergic to it; instantaneous migraines, and nausea. I don't care and don't really miss it. It does seem to have been a contributing factor in being dumped by some friends though.
I think I might be boring.

I hate people pressuring others to drink, but I also hate it when non drinkers say “you can have fun without alcohol you know/you don’t need alcohol to have fun”. Obviously that’s true (unless you’re an alcoholic). That doesn’t mean that drinking isn’t fun.

Many non-drinkers also know that drinking is fun to some people even if it doesn’t matter to them or it is no interest to them.

Perhaps this is why I struggle to understand; for me, the experience would be being out with you, chatting/catching up. The liquid being drunk would be incidental. I'd no more talk about wine taste than I would the flavour of tea.

I’m the same. It’s more about the company than what the beverage is.

My husband drinks and I don’t. He knew that when we met. I still went to pubs with him. It didn’t change anything and the only people (in my experience) who make such a big deal about it are the types who feel they need to drink to relax or be “fun” and are annoyed when they realise others don’t need to do the same.

@Butwasitherdriveway

Can we please lay off Jemima.

It's not only completely ridiculous to suggest no one can possibly understand what she means by drinking or not drinking changing the vibe. I'm sure you are all perfectly wonderful people regardless of alcohol but it is bloody obvious what she is saying. She is as entitled to her opinion as anyone else (I totally agree with you @JemimaJoy, but even if I didn't, I'd still think your pile on is unfair) 💖

You're being really daft. Nobody's piling on JemimaJoy, just not agreeing with her as she knew that some wouldn't. Nobody's jumping on anybody else so perhaps stop shouting other people down for their opinions.

Saying things like 'I'm sure you're all perfect... regardless of alcohol' makes me think you have a problem with it yourself. Alcohol is a chemical, made up into a drink. It's not an indictment of somebody's worth whether they drink it or not drink it.

@JemimaJoy
I agree with you. Not to say that I’d ever condone pressuring someone to drink and I’d never voice my slight disappointment - I’d just internally deal with it and then move on. But I do feel a tiny nag of disappointment if we’ve arranged to meet with friends and it has been specifically said ‘can’t wait to crack the prosecco!’ or ‘excited for some glasses of wine’ etc only to find they have decided to drive so aren’t drinking. Again, like I said, I’d never voice that disappointment and it’d disappear after about 30 seconds - I’d just have to reclassify the outing as a normal lovely dinner rather than a normal lovely boozy dinner (there is a difference in my mind!)

Glad you enjoyed lunch regardless OP!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Excuse me? What I meant was, trying to claim that you can't possibly understand how some people have more fun with certain people drunk than sober suggests they think their personality is so utterly wonderful. Not everyone does.

I'm not shouting anyone down for their opinions. I suggested we could leave off Jemima, as some other posters did. Is that OK with you?

Btw, accusing someone of having a drink problem on a public forum when you know nothing about them is disgusting behaviour.

What Jemima and the people who agree with her don’t seem to be getting is that alcohol during the day gives OP migraines. Who on earth would want their partner to drink and have a migraine?

So how nice it is to have a giggle with alcohol is irrelevant.

@stackemhigh

What Jemima and the people who agree with her don’t seem to be getting is that alcohol during the day gives OP migraines. Who on earth would want their partner to drink and have a migraine?

So how nice it is to have a giggle with alcohol is irrelevant.

That's not the point though.

I don't agree with the husband, nor do I agree with forcing anyone else to do anything.

The point that it's different with drink to without was only made due to the number of posters claiming that nobody on earth ever is any different having had a drink than if they haven't.

Butwasitthedriveway, you can post what you like but when you post on a public forum, posters might respond. If that's not ok with you then don't post.

I don't find your post very clear about what meant to say but it seemed to smack of non-drinkers thinking they have a marvellous personality or some such nonsense. In real life, when people have said this, it is because they have a problem with drinking. That's my lived experience, it may not be yours.

Anyway, perhaps stop suggesting what other people do or don't understand, it's annoying. Ta.

@JenerationH

I don't think that most non-drinkers realise that it seems like they have a bit of a 'judgey' face on when others are drinking. I don't think that most drinkers realise that the reason non-drinkers have a face on is because the drinkers are tipsily finding things way more amusing than they should, which is is far less amusing when not tipsy.

As others have said - he's revealed his true feelings about how he feels around you when he's tipsy and you're not - you spoil things for him a little.
Then, he's realised that he's been unwise and unreasonable in making his feelings known, and has backtracked.

Now, you'll both feel a bit judged by the other - so at least it's even now, I suppose...

Think this is exactly right! I've been in both these camps at various points!

What?? Drink whatever you want. I couldn't give a shite what other people choose to drink when in my company.

Anyone who, for any reason, tried to pressure someone into drinking alcohol, or shame them for not drinking alcohol, is being a dick.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Butwasitthedriveway, you can post what you like but when you post on a public forum, posters might respond. If that's not ok with you then don't post.

I don't find your post very clear about what meant to say but it seemed to smack of non-drinkers thinking they have a marvellous personality or some such nonsense. In real life, when people have said this, it is because they have a problem with drinking. That's my lived experience, it may not be yours.

Anyway, perhaps stop suggesting what other people do or don't understand, it's annoying. Ta.

I've already explained this but since you refuse to read what I'm saying....

What I said was, posters are trying to say that you can have the same time with oe without drink ( I'm not trying to suggest anything, they said it). The sort of ' I don't need alcohol to have fun'. The ones who have exactly the same time with or without drink. Some people don't feel like that because maybe they don't feel as confident.

I'm fine being responded to. I'm not Ok with rude and nasty posts suggesting I have a drink problem becuase tbeh don't agree with me.

Anyway, perhaps try to stop attacking posters when you don't actually understand what they said. Ifs annoying. Ta.

Read it however you like, Butwasitthedriveway, you jumped in to finger-wag to posters disagreeing with Jemima's post, calling them ridiculous to suppose that drinking/not drinking changes the vibe. That is what you said. I have no idea of your drinking status and I don't care either way but if you post in a defensive way about drinking then that's your call and I'm not going to apologise or carry on arguing with you.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Read it however you like, Butwasitthedriveway, you jumped in to finger-wag to posters disagreeing with Jemima's post, calling them ridiculous to suppose that drinking/not drinking changes the vibe. That is what you said. I have no idea of your drinking status and I don't care either way but if you post in a defensive way about drinking then that's your call and I'm not going to apologise or carry on arguing with you.

Yes. You have no idea of my status.

Hence why your comments are ridiculous.

I did say that and I stand by it. I didn't finger wag, I just said the pile on based on her comments which are actually true was unecessary

I'm not defensive.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Ithinkyoucan But there is something about that shared drink, pouring a glass for each other, commenting on the taste, getting the relaxing feel of the drink together. Its a bit like if you go to a cafe and both try a new cake together. Its the shared experience.

Perhaps this is why I struggle to understand; for me, the experience would be being out with you, chatting/catching up. The liquid being drunk would be incidental. I'd no more talk about wine taste than I would the flavour of tea.

I'm not much one for going out because I did all that when I was younger and being tipsy isn't an experience I personally enjoy. I can understand that some people do like it though and perhaps it is polarising. It will actually make me think about going out with friends in future because I end up apologising for not drinking or making up tosh about antibiotics. I just don't care whether other people want to drink or not, just as long as I don't have to.

Well, put it this way, if you were going out for an evening meal with a friend but then they said they weren't hungry so weren't eating, so you ordered your meal and were eating and she wasn't, wouldn't that change things for you? All the arguments above about, you can still have a laugh, and enjoy each other's company and so on, all apply. But there would be something different about it. Something about the shared experience., of doing the same thing together, would be gone.

Having said that I would never comment if someone was not drinking and I have hated it in the past when I felt pressurised to drink more than I wanted to. But that doesn't mean there isn't something about doing the same thing together that is a bit lost.

In OPs case of course she shouldn't drink if she has a migraine, but I think her husband sounds great. He realised it was his bad and moved on. I think that makes him a good husband.

Ithinkyoucan, yes it would change it, I probably would decide not to eat then too. The same as if I was having a drink (of anything) and my companion decided they didn't want any drink, I wouldn't want to have one either.

That said, if companion was eating something or drinking something, that would be ok for me to also do it, it wouldn't feel weird to me. I'm not sure if that makes sense?

I agree, OP's husband has realised his error and made good. I don't suffer migraines myself but I would do anything to avoid one, they sound crippling.

Drinking/not drinking alcohol really isn't as straightforward as I thought it was and either view seems quite charged/stigmatised to a degree.

Butitwasthedriveway, Look, I thought your leaping in was unnecessary as nobody was actually piling on Jemima, I've read it back, not a single nasty comment - just fair disagreement which she even anticipated. I will though concede that my conclusion whether somebody has a drinking problem or not, wasn't necessary either. None of us knows the status of each other; I have an alcoholic in the family and I know that this filter overlays my viewpoint.

Yanbu OP.
I've stopped drinking all together since Jan after a few periods of abstinence last year as well. I was like you, cracking migraines if I started to early or even just a small glass with lunch but it developed into just generally not agreeing with me at all and I feel much better for it.
My OH? Not a problem. Family? You'd think the world had ended, apparently I'm being ridiculous