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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I'm not spoiling the afternoon because I dont want to drink alcohol.

144 replies

MajorMujer · 25/04/2021 11:38

Going out to a much anticipated Sunday Lunch with DH.
No driving involved, DC are adults ( to set the scene )
I've just told DH that I will take the dogs out later as I'm not drinking over lunch. Apparently I'm " miserable " and will " spoil the day" Hmm.
I get migraines if I drink in the day, he knows this.
I have no problem sitting with an orange juice whilst he has a couple of pints, he also knows this.
I've told him to stop being a knob and that it's quite controlling of him to have said this.
He is now backpeddaling like a unicyclist at the circus.
So, AIBU to not drink alcohol when I dont want to ?

OP posts:
shivawn · 25/04/2021 12:08

@JemimaJoy I agree and understand what you're saying. I'm pregnant now and really miss being able to chill and enjoy lunchtime drinks with my husband, alcohol is nice as a social activity, definitely not the same for one person drinking alone.

Did he think maybe you'd be up for sex if you had a drink?

Talk about jumping to conclusions....strange comment.

Northernsoullover · 25/04/2021 12:08

I don't drink any more because I was a glutton for it but even a hardcore drinker like me didn't drink in the day. It completely spoils your day. You either have to carry on and get nothing done, or you stop, feel out of sorts and a bit dehydrated and get nothing done. Its a complete waste of time.

SlothWithACloth · 25/04/2021 12:10

So he’s disappointed you won’t join him for a drunk when he’s just going to go home and sleep it off? That sounds like fun.

CabernetSoWhat · 25/04/2021 12:11

I'd say if he's already "back-pedalling like a unicyclist", the issue is already over and done with. Just go out and enjoy your much anticipated Sunday lunch.

Floralnomad · 25/04/2021 12:11

I don’t drink at all , I can still manage to enjoy myself as do the people I’m with , drinking or non drinking . It’s sad that people think you can only have any fun if there is alcohol involved .

MrsMackesy · 25/04/2021 12:13

YADNBU but perhaps it's the 'much anticipated' bit fueling his disappointment. Social events like this as we slowly come out of lockdown have taken on an extra layer of importance, so I can understand it to some extent. He shouldn't make you feel awful about it though or try to pressure you into drinking alcohol. I wouldn't drink to please someone else if I didn't want to, couldn't, shouldn't or it gave me migraines. He needs to be reminded that you don't need alcohol to have fun, to be fun, to enjoy someone's company or a naice lunch out. Forgetting about your migraines is a bit mean.

Howshouldibehave · 25/04/2021 12:13

@CabernetSoWhat

I'd say if he's already "back-pedalling like a unicyclist", the issue is already over and done with. Just go out and enjoy your much anticipated Sunday lunch.
This.

Maybe he was just momentarily sad you wouldn’t be having a long giggly boozy lunch which he was looking forward to, but then realised it didn’t matter.

If he’s massively backpedaling, it’s done and dusted.

magicstar1 · 25/04/2021 12:16

If he drinks and falls asleep, and you drink and get a migraine....who does he think will walk the dogs? At least you’re being responsible to them.

Whatisthisfuckery · 25/04/2021 12:16

No OP, it’s absolutely unreasonable of you to not drink alcohol if somebody else wants you to, even if it will make you unwell. You absolutely have to drink against your will.

Stupid questions get stupid answers.

MrsCalypsoGrant · 25/04/2021 12:17

@RoseRedRoseBlue
@emilyfrost
@Floralnomad

Couldn't agree more with all of you. I'm tee total & am always bemused at people who think they can't have fun without alcohol or that their fun is reduced if they are with others who are not drinking.

It's a reflection on themselves that they never seem self-aware enough to recognise or understand.

Subbaxeo · 25/04/2021 12:17

Why does he care whether you want a drink or not? If I want a drink I have one-if I don’t, I won’t. I would certainly be irritated if my husband expressed a negative opinion on my choice. I do find it a bit weird in the UK that people can only enjoy themselves if they drink.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 25/04/2021 12:18

I think he probably just had a picture in his head of a long boozy lunch, fair enough after the year we've all had, then when the words came out of his mouth he realised how silly that sounded hence the back pedalling. Go and enjoy yourself!

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 25/04/2021 12:20

Yanbu.

And he must be a tedious, boring bastard if he thinks anyone has to drink to enjoy themselves

viques · 25/04/2021 12:20

I think saying you aren’t drinking is the same as saying “I won’t have a pudding thanks” personal choice, dependant on how you are feeling.

Trying to guilt someone into drinking when they don’t want to is pathetic, and frankly someone who equates having a good time with having to drink is well on the way to having a very poor relationship with alcohol.

Butwasitherdriveway · 25/04/2021 12:22

@JemimaJoy I know what you mean. People are being unecessarily pedantic to you.

GinWithOlivesIn · 25/04/2021 12:25

My DH doesn’t drink and it really isn’t an issue. He will sit and drink and chat with people drinking alcohol and enjoys doing so. If it’s a big session he excuses himself when he’s heard the same story from someone more than twice! 😂

I am quite happy “to drink alone” while I’m with him, he is still good company and I don’t feel guilty about doing so. I also feel lucky that he will always drive so I never have to do a turn of not drinking and if there’s been a big night out he is fresher for the kids in the morning. Blush

Since he gave up alcohol I have been surprised by how many people also claim to be teetotal but then drink anyway, and how many people have tried to convince him to have one even when he’s told them he doesn’t drink at all (although there may be a cause and effect between those two types of people, actually). We have a strange attitude to alcohol in this country.

I am surprised your husband was annoyed, he gets to have a drink and then sleep while you do his chore of walking the dog!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/04/2021 12:26

shivawn
... alcohol is nice as a social activity, definitely not the same for one person drinking alone.

But OP would also be having a drink. A cold drink in a glass. Would this not count? I could understand somebody feeling a bit odd drinking a beer if their companion was enjoying a nice cup of tea but a cold drink looks the same as any other.

I'm the sort who would order a cold drink to 'fit in' but wistfully be wanting the cup of tea. I'd be delighted to be in company and have a great time but my heart would be singing (as would my sensitive teeth) if I could cuddle up to a teapot.

I don't drink alcohol because I don't like the taste or the effect but am happy to be in the company of people drinking alcohol if they won't judge me for not drinking it. If I had a choice, I'd have a hot drink rather than a cold one but will have something 'for show'. It's messed up but your post has given me a lightbulb moment.

indiakulfi · 25/04/2021 12:27

YANBU but I'm confused about how you get migraines if you drink in the day but not in the evening

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/04/2021 12:29

I hate the association that you can only have fun if alcohol is involved.

I don’t drink and manage to have fun. If friends were disappointed that I wasn’t drinking maybe that’s there issue not mine.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/04/2021 12:31

viques, definitely! This is it! I would happily order a starter at pudding-time if it would make my dining partner feel more comfortable but I don't have a sweet tooth and don't enjoy puddings.

If I'm eating out with my mum she will ALWAYS want a pudding but ALWAYS gets huffy if I don't want one. She wouldn't go along with me having a starter (with her pudding), so I always end up ordering a pudding that I know she will enjoy - and pointlessly eat a single spoonful of it (for show).

There seem to be some serious hang=ups about alcohol and puddings.

CirqueDeMorgue · 25/04/2021 12:31

Did he think maybe you'd be up for sex if you had a drink?

Absolutely bizarre comment! Why assume that OP isn't 'up for sex' without any booze?

AnnaMagnani · 25/04/2021 12:31

It would massively spoil the day if you got a migraine and had to lie down in a darkened room in silence for the rest of the weekend.

How long has your DH known you? and you have had migraines all this time?

He's an idiot. A migraineur lives around their triggers. It won't ruin his day for him to have a couple of pints while his wife has an orange juice.

year5teacher · 25/04/2021 12:31

He was definitely BU, but @JemimaJoy I do get what you mean. If I was looking forward to getting a bit tipsy with my DP and he said he didn’t want to drink it would be fine, but it does change the nature of the outing. I certainly don’t behave the same sober as I do after 2 glasses of wine, and while both are fun, sometimes it’s nice to have a drink with someone! It’s totally the other person’s choice though and not ok to guilt like OP’s DH has.
However, you will get a lot of comments about how “needing alcohol to have fun” is so terrible!

Butwasitherdriveway · 25/04/2021 12:32

@CirqueDeMorgue

Did he think maybe you'd be up for sex if you had a drink?

Absolutely bizarre comment! Why assume that OP isn't 'up for sex' without any booze?

Not an uncommon comment on here. As ridiculous as ever.
Whippet · 25/04/2021 12:34

oh gawd - this is my SIL - she loves knocking back the fizz and simply won't accept that other people can enjoy themselves without doing the same.

I have a sulphite allergy and champagne/wine/beer makes my tongue swell. Will she accept this? No. She still gives us bottles of champagne as 'joint' Xmas presents and always tries to press drinks on me saying "oh, enjoy yourself, just have a small one . . ."
Since when did making yourself ill = enjoying yourself Confused

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