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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I'm not spoiling the afternoon because I dont want to drink alcohol.

144 replies

MajorMujer · 25/04/2021 11:38

Going out to a much anticipated Sunday Lunch with DH.
No driving involved, DC are adults ( to set the scene )
I've just told DH that I will take the dogs out later as I'm not drinking over lunch. Apparently I'm " miserable " and will " spoil the day" Hmm.
I get migraines if I drink in the day, he knows this.
I have no problem sitting with an orange juice whilst he has a couple of pints, he also knows this.
I've told him to stop being a knob and that it's quite controlling of him to have said this.
He is now backpeddaling like a unicyclist at the circus.
So, AIBU to not drink alcohol when I dont want to ?

OP posts:
Novelusername · 25/04/2021 13:28

I absolutely hate being pressured to drink. In my experience it has either come from other women who want to get uproariously drunk and for me to join them and entertain for the evening with drunken antics, or from men pressuring me to have sex. I've given up drinking as I came to realise I don't enjoy either of these scenarios, and also can't stand hangovers which completely write off the next day. It's absolutely not acceptable for anyone else to pressure you to drink.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/04/2021 13:31

I would say it's guilt talking.
He knows it's his turn to walk the dogs, he thinks that you are doing it in a martyred spirit to make him feel guilty for having his drinks (probably because that's how HE would feel if the situations were reversed).
The fact that you get migraines from drinking during the day isn't relevant to him because he doesn't.
It should have zero fucking impact on his day that you are not drinking, he's just being a mardy arse because you're not letting him have his drinks guilt free, even though the guilt is self-induced and nothing to do with you!

(NB I also get migraines from drinking wine now - can just about manage a dry cider without too much risk but that's it - bloody menopause!)

BillMasheen · 25/04/2021 13:34

To the op who asked about why online daytime drinking causes migraines ...

For me, it isn’t a trigger if I can go straight to bed and sleep for 8 hours. I don’t think it is so much the alcohol itself that’s the problem, it is the attempting to function for 8—9 hours after I’ve had a drink that’s the Issue. A nap just doesn’t seem to cut it in the way a full nights sleep does

BillMasheen · 25/04/2021 13:35

*only

AgeLikeWine · 25/04/2021 13:40

YANBU, obviously.

I enjoy a drink, I love nothing better than a delicious pint of cask ale or a cold weissbier but I don’t drink during the day for exactly the same reason.

Longingforatikihut · 25/04/2021 13:43

@BiBabbles grab a hair brush and put YouTube on the telly and have a singsong to some proper tunes(there's loads of karaoke backing on YouTube). That's been my Friday night gig for the last year or so. La la laaaaa!

NewlyGranny · 25/04/2021 13:46

This scenario is from the low end of the "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm," spectrum, isn't it? OP's DH is effectively asking her to endure a migraine just to make him feel comfortable for an hour or so. It's not clear why he thinks this is important or reasonable or worth it - for her.

The only logical response to his disappointment is, "Why on earth would I give myself a migraine just to cure your sulk, and whyever would you want me to?"

I guess he doesn't really believe in migraines. I've found that with some folk who don't suffer themselves and lack empathy. It's "just a headache" until they witness the sufferer vomiting into a bucket or unable to form a coherent word, let alone a sentence.

I lost the ability to read in a migraine: I could see individual letters but they wouldn't make words. I wasn't curling up with a book, btw, we were out at a summer field day and it was information on a blackboard. I immediately told my DH I needed to go straight home and he took me, no quibbles.

He needs to stop expecting you to drink, OP, and shut up about it. Could you have that talk when things are calm?

GabsAlot · 25/04/2021 13:47

I also don't drink usually driving but it used to give me headaches as well

DrManhattan · 25/04/2021 13:52

There is alot of conditioning in the UK that drinking alcohol = being fun.

Stick to your guns

Kljnmw3459 · 25/04/2021 13:58

I don't think anyone should be made to feel like they have to drink alcohol. But I agree with PPs that it can change the outing from a potential long leisurely lunch into just a pit stop between chores or errands.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 25/04/2021 13:59

Very unreasonable of him to comment on the fact you don't want a drink.Df never drinks in the day,dm might have a glass of wine if out for a meal but she definitely wouldn't try to coax my df into having one with her.

Original poster
MajorMujer · 25/04/2021 14:04

Well, some eye opening replies .
Just to be clear , DH is not an alcoholic or a sex pest.
He has described himself as a pratt, which covers it nicely. Together 30 years.
Had a lovely elderflower cordial & sparkling water with the meal, on to coffee now.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 25/04/2021 14:07

It just changes the nature of the outing if one person fancies a beer and a giggle and one fancies and orange juice and a sandwich or something. I mean I'm sure you all know what I mean even if you disagree.

Yes. You mean you can’t relax properly and have fun without alcohol. Have you seen someone about that as I’d say it was a problem.

I haven’t had a drink since DD was born 12 years ago, and yet I’ve had plenty of fun when I’ve been out for a meal.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 25/04/2021 14:08

@JemimaJoy

I'd feel disappointed if it were a special occasion and I was excited to have a couple of drinks with my husband and he decided he wasn't drinking. It's not that his drinking makes me 'feel less guilty about my alcohol intake' as a PP suggested. I am very comfortable with my alcohol intake and have nothing to feel guilty about. It just changes the nature of the outing if one person fancies a beer and a giggle and one fancies and orange juice and a sandwich or something. I mean I'm sure you all know what I mean even if you disagree.
If you can't have giggle with your dh without alcohol, then your marriage is in far bigger trouble than the op Wink
Macncheeseballs · 25/04/2021 14:11

Can't one drink and walk the dogs?

FortunesFave · 25/04/2021 14:27

@JemimaJoy

I'd feel disappointed if it were a special occasion and I was excited to have a couple of drinks with my husband and he decided he wasn't drinking. It's not that his drinking makes me 'feel less guilty about my alcohol intake' as a PP suggested. I am very comfortable with my alcohol intake and have nothing to feel guilty about. It just changes the nature of the outing if one person fancies a beer and a giggle and one fancies and orange juice and a sandwich or something. I mean I'm sure you all know what I mean even if you disagree.
You can have a giggle without alcohol. And there's no need to be excited about having a drink. And OP never said she was having a sandwich so that was a weird thing to say.
Original poster
MajorMujer · 25/04/2021 14:33

@Macncheeseballs DH falls in to a light coma asleep after drinking in the day and my migraines come with tunnel vision and quite spectacular projectile vomiting. Neither if which is useful when walking the dogs.

OP posts:
1WayOrAnother2 · 25/04/2021 14:38

Glad you had a good lunch OP!

How do you feel if you go out for tea and cake if you find you are the only one having cake? You can still enjoy it yourself... but not sharing the pleasure does change things a bit.

1WayOrAnother2 · 25/04/2021 14:39

Sorry - question about alcohol as a treat to share was aimed at the discussion in general - not at you OP. Drinking and its effects would not be a treat for either of you in this case - of course!

year5teacher · 25/04/2021 14:40

As suspected, the “if you enjoy alcohol you are weak and your marriage is a shambles” comments are out in force 😂

year5teacher · 25/04/2021 14:40

Also OP it sounds like you had a lovely time! Glad your DH understood he was being a prat!

FinallyHere · 25/04/2021 14:51

Glad it worked out for you and you could both enjoy the meal.

Feel sorry for anyone who doesn't enjoy social events unless they drink. I used to feel like that a lot, he is now ex-DP.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 25/04/2021 14:58

You can have a giggle without alcohol. And there's no need to be excited about having a drink. And OP never said she was having a sandwich so that was a weird thing to say.

Inference love. It’s about one of them being more restrained than the other. So the sandwich comment was meant as a comparison to a full meal as someone having a soda and lime to a glass of wine.

Nith · 25/04/2021 15:01

Well, at least he's backpedalling. Maybe he's learnt to think, for once.

CovidCorvid · 25/04/2021 15:04

I never drink as it always makes me feel so ill. Some people get really angry when I turn up for a night out and realise I’m not drinking. I don’t understand how it impacts on them at all.

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