Parents of adult DC's - can you help me please? Or even adult DC's who might recognise this dilemma?

[usernamesusedup]

I've namechanged and I will change some minor details here as I think former daugher in law may be on the site.

DS is 37 and is very, very unhappily SE in the construction industry (skilled trade). He and former DIL have young DS who they have 50/50 care of. DIL lives with her parents. DS has a flat he rents from a mate although this is not a permanent, long term thing it is working very well, it suits both of them (it is informal set up). DS and DIL (when they were together) spent long periods living either with her parents or with me.
There is long backstory but the essential dilemma for me is this:

DS has asked whether (in theory) I would let him move in with me if he gives up his job and his Plan B fails (his Plan B is something we go around and around in circles with; he wants to be Police Officer but has been turned down because he needs another A level so is in the process of applying for PCSO post. Recruitment is suspended currently so he is in limbo and still might not get in).

I have had a growing sense that this is where our many talks have been leading.
I responded honestly; that I would find that hard. My house is tiny and open plan, I use my spare room for working from home which is likely to be permanent arrangement after the pandemic has passed. So it all kind of went tits up at that point; DS saying he was just asking 'what if' but in my mind it wasn't like that because every time we get to a point whereby it looks like DS might help himself improve and expand his skill set (courses, etc) it goes back into "I just can't carry on in this job". He said that if the situation were reversed and I turned up at his door he would not hesitate to take me in. Although that scenario has not, and would never, happen, so I feel pretty defeated tbh.

I am 62 and I am tired, really tired. I have alot of responsibility at work, I am a carer for my DF and most of the time when I'm not working or doing something for DF or on his behalf I'm pretty much spent.

But - the upshot is (after he left with us both upset) I feel shitty.
I feel on the horns of a dilemma. He hasn't actually asked to move back in so there isn't an issue. But at the same time, there is.

So, I'm not sure what I'm asking for but anyone who has perhaps been in a similar situation, what did you do? What ideas do you have as to how I might position myself here? He's an adult, yes, but also my DS and I think I feel far too responsible for his life.

You have every right to your home and peace and quiet. But I get that it's hard to not be upset when he's taking the huff!

You said that previously DS and DIL spent periods living with you in the past. Have you moved since then?

Would your grandson be staying too?

Missing the point but can he study towards the missing a level in evenings? 37 is still young, he could get the a level and then go straight into the police

Could your DS take over caring for your DF? Presumably it's his Grandfather. He could at least take over some of the tasks involved. You would then be less tired and in a better position to think clearly about what you want from life at this stage.

I can see why you feel upset - I would feel the same. However you rson is an adult and I would suggest that coming home to live with mum is not the best way forward for him. I would also be concerned that you might have a long term, unemployed son living with you. I would keep saying a very clear 'no' based on everything you have said.

Yes I've moved since then, to a smaller house (by necessity). And yes, it would mean DGS here 50% of the week .
Not missing the point at all - we have explored the A level routes and yes, he knows the options, feels very anxious about studying, using IT, etc. He knows it but I think he gets so anxious and negative that he can't hang on to making the next step for himself so we go around in circles.

It's so draining. I feel that I do as much as I think I ought to tbh as he has to take some steps himself or who is it all for?

Actually this morning I thought about whether he could move in with my DF who has a large self contained upstairs loft conversion with own bathroom, TV points etc.

I might make some enquiries about the legalities of that before doing anything more. DS did once mention that possibility as my DF is absolutley adamant that a care home is not an option and he would do anything to avoid that eventuality.

Whilst I’m not asking for the back story it is clearly influencing your decision so it’s very difficult to say.

I would let my DC live with me without a second thought but that is dependent on good relationships. It seems you don’t have one?

Well I can see both sides here. Your DH is 37, so it isn’t at all unreasonable to expect your house to yourself now, and your home sounds planned for a single person.
On the other hand I would have been devastated if my mother had ever refused to have me at home. Until my mother moved to a care home I always felt that I could have pitched up at any point and my parents would have taken me in. They had enough room, but even if they hadn’t I know that they would have always been glad to have me.
So it is difficult - as your place is small and open plan what would happen if/when your son wanted to start dating someone ? Or you ?
I think that in your place I would accept him moving in, as long as he helped generally, so with shopping etc and with his Grandfather sometimes . He sounds rather lost and stuck, and he must really need the support or he wouldn’t be mentioning it. Is he your only child ?

So he is expecting financial support too?

Has your DS sought help for his anxiety?

I think you are right to be concerned.At 37, he should be taking responsibility for his life and that if his DS.

I think you run the risk of having an unemployed son at home full time and then being expected to look after/entertain your GS for half the time too. It doesn't sound as though your DS would necessarily pull his weight at home - cooking, cleaning etc. If he is out of work, he probably wouldn't be able to contribute much financially either. I would also resent my loss of independence and privacy.

If you do start to change your mind I would draw up a set of rules (for want of a better phrase) setting out all your expectations in terms of his contribution to the household, and make clear that you expect him to stick to it.

I think for me the sticking point would be he knows he needs that A level. If you want something, you find a way, if you are not that bothered, you find an excuse.

When my Mum's job became a bit technical she did a night class in excel/word etc (I am going back a bit) but she was proactive about it. She was worried about keeping up with the "young uns" but went out of her comfort zone to enrol at college. This from a woman who left school at 15 with a couple of CSEs to rub together.

Now you can just go on YouTube to learn how to use certain systems and learn in the comfort of your own home. He says he wants to be a police officer and yet isn't doing the next step to get there. This isn't the 1930s where you go round on foot and make notes in a notebook. He will have to use computers and devices in his job.

Also this isn't just him moving in, he has his child 50% of the time and for some parents living with their own parents means they completely share the role of raising the child. In some ways you may well be adding to your already full dance card.

I would worry you will never get him back out once he is in and with police shifts? Has he even thought about childcare?

I don't think a 37yo with anxiety so serious he can't use IT and needs to live with his mum is likely to be successfully recruited to the police. He needs another plan.

I lived at my mum's house. It was only doable because there was a separate living room. It was not great, sort of stuck in permanent teen mode. I don't think my parents were that thrilled either. Happened due to work being intermittent.

Your house is not set up for another adult living there. Don't do it.

If him moving into your small home is going to put more on your already overloaded plate do not feel guilty about saying no. He is a 37 year old adult ffs.

Thanks.
I have 3 DC's and my relationships with them all are good. There are no DF's for them to turn to although their DF's are living. So they all turn to me and I am glad to be there, I try to be the DM that I never had.

Eldest DS is in LA flat and has MH problems; periodically I help him financially; and in other ways. DD is living in shared accommodation and is in FT secure work, she left home at 18 and has never looked back.

He needs support yes that's absolutely right. But always and only me? I can't tell you how painful it is to keep on trying to listen, respond, make suggestions so that he's got a starting point to change his life and his job - only to feel like it bounces off him.

I echo what others say, he needs to sort out his anxiety firstly. He is worried about using IT? I've got an 85 year old employee who until march didn't even own a mobile phone never mind a computer. She's adapted to the technology and home working perfectly well. It sounds like he's making excuses, but the real question is why? Is there more going on?

Stick to your guns. You’ve downsized, it’s not something you can offer without significant disruption to your life.

He needs to take responsibility for his career and child. He’s 37, not 22. You deserve your own space.

Your last update makes me feel like it's time for some tough love. He has pretty much always had a soft place to land, it feels like? He's now trapped in a cycle with an unobtainable goal (let's be honest, if a 37 yo needed to go and get an A level they'd just go and get an A level) and the fact he's pinned his colours to this unobtainable goal is just adding more and more stress to the situation.

He sounds like he's stuck at adolescent stage with no problem-solving skills, and having looked very closely at the police recruitment process recently, he has no chance of being recruited to the police at the moment.

He needs a different goal and that's perhaps what you can help him work towards. You could contribute to therapy. You could explore him living with your DF, but that will really just shunt the problem on. But he needs to do some work on himself to move forward - moving in with mum is just another step back. I think you're right not to have him move in.

It's ok to set boundaries that disappoint the 37yo DS, OP.

He doesn't need you to do this for him, he has many other options.
It might suit him but it doesn't suit you.

Keep encouraging him to look at other opportunities.

I agree about the Police Officer job not being right for him btw.
He thinks he is depressed (I agree) but he prefers not to take meds and uses other ways like meditation, mindfulness and trains in a martial art to a high amateur level.

I, too, pulled myself out of the doldrums at age 30 and did a WEA course which led to other things and eventually my career now. I did it because I realised I was on my own and I could not let my children down.
Thank you for your thoughts btw.

He’ll have to use IT in the police and study during training so actually getting back in the swing of learning (even if he did this while being a pcso)would be beneficial to him. He’s an adult now and if he wants to make things happen in his life he needs to facilitate them. Adult education is different to being at school, they are used to people being rusty / out of their comfort zone - has he actually talked to a college as that may help him?

At 37 he is in charge of his own life. You may need to step back to empower him to do that. Try to be a little less involved in conversations about his life, unless he pushes you for comment, just let him talk and tell him you’re glad he’s investigating his options. I’m not sure if he’s asking to move in with you in case of about emergency or so that he can save money? I think you should make it clear you would never let him become homeless and he can stay with you in a crisis but at 37 he shouldn’t live with his mum in other circumstances. It won’t do either of you any good for him to be there long term!

This is from the perspective of someone of a similar age to your DC (rather than a parent of adult children)

Him living with you is a total non starter, it would be disastrous. Not good for either of you.