Parents of adult DC's - can you help me please? Or even adult DC's who might recognise this dilemma?

[usernamesusedup]

I've namechanged and I will change some minor details here as I think former daugher in law may be on the site.

DS is 37 and is very, very unhappily SE in the construction industry (skilled trade). He and former DIL have young DS who they have 50/50 care of. DIL lives with her parents. DS has a flat he rents from a mate although this is not a permanent, long term thing it is working very well, it suits both of them (it is informal set up). DS and DIL (when they were together) spent long periods living either with her parents or with me.
There is long backstory but the essential dilemma for me is this:

DS has asked whether (in theory) I would let him move in with me if he gives up his job and his Plan B fails (his Plan B is something we go around and around in circles with; he wants to be Police Officer but has been turned down because he needs another A level so is in the process of applying for PCSO post. Recruitment is suspended currently so he is in limbo and still might not get in).

I have had a growing sense that this is where our many talks have been leading.
I responded honestly; that I would find that hard. My house is tiny and open plan, I use my spare room for working from home which is likely to be permanent arrangement after the pandemic has passed. So it all kind of went tits up at that point; DS saying he was just asking 'what if' but in my mind it wasn't like that because every time we get to a point whereby it looks like DS might help himself improve and expand his skill set (courses, etc) it goes back into "I just can't carry on in this job". He said that if the situation were reversed and I turned up at his door he would not hesitate to take me in. Although that scenario has not, and would never, happen, so I feel pretty defeated tbh.

I am 62 and I am tired, really tired. I have alot of responsibility at work, I am a carer for my DF and most of the time when I'm not working or doing something for DF or on his behalf I'm pretty much spent.

But - the upshot is (after he left with us both upset) I feel shitty.
I feel on the horns of a dilemma. He hasn't actually asked to move back in so there isn't an issue. But at the same time, there is.

So, I'm not sure what I'm asking for but anyone who has perhaps been in a similar situation, what did you do? What ideas do you have as to how I might position myself here? He's an adult, yes, but also my DS and I think I feel far too responsible for his life.

Well good luck to you both! I had the thought that he might work in a large hardware/builder's merchant store/DIY shop if he quits his construction job.

I'm glad he's recognised that both asking you about this, and unloading to you about his work, are inappropriate. That speaks pretty well of him to be honest. So i hope things work out for him in the end.

I think I would say if he was in really dire straits and absolutely needed a place to go then you I wouldn't see him on the streets. However, it would be a for a set period of say 6 months whilst he sorts himself out because the place is too small and you don't want a young child around a lot.

But he needs to focus on getting another A Level whilst still working, and he needs to make things happen for himself. I think I'd be harsh saying the A level won't just be awarded so he needs to select a provider and get on with it. Not just stop working and live with you.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-43234836

Where there is a will, there is a way !

If he gets that anxious about doing an A level, the police force isn't for him. It sounds as if he might be better off going into a more specialist branch of his normal line of work - for instance, if it's woodwork, something like working with the National Trust or a maker of bespoke furniture.

@usernamesusedup
Skilled, meticulous trades don't suffer from lack of work normally..
A levels are doable as an older person, but your DS may find a return too study harder than when he left school as people get out of the way of studying..
Could he become self employed as a tradesperson?

Good luck!

I'm glad things are more harmonious between you now he has thought things over op and that you were able to talk about it together

He is a really good tradesperson, meticulous in his work. That doesn't suit a construction site mentality or the big builders who want their houses built quickly. And dealing directly with customers as a private trader didn't work either . so he has to make a leap of faith and just take a first step out of his situation

It sounds like he is the sort that needs to do marquetry (or similar) alone in a shed at the bottom of the garden and then sell his products through someone else. Or furniture restoration or work as pp said for a public body such as the National Trust or the Woodland Trust doing crafts as they were done a hundred years ago, or black-smithing or lime plastering or thatching or something along those lines.

Op. You sound so kind. He's lucky to have you. I'm glad he's realised his suggestion is untenable. Is there any way he can use his martial arts to start teaching?

He must do an A level. As others have mentioned he can't avoid computers, but he's also going to have a lot of studying to do whichever route he chooses.

A College evening A level would be much easier then he thinks. He wouldn't be going with a 16 yr old brain, it's all a lot different.

Could be not work for a small building company? If working in mass construction doesn't work for him, and having his own business wouldn't, how about something in between? Working on building extensions? Or even a double glazing installer or something? There seem to be loads of such smaller companies around.

To be honest I would try and make it work if at all possible and if it is likely to only be short term like a couple of years whilst he trains or whatever. He is likely to be out most of the day working, so could you still use the room as an office in the day and let him sleep there at night ? I think if temporary then yes as I'd hate to see my child unhappy. The again I just remembered his child and the 50:50 arrangement and that would add a real dilemma.

I would say no. He is 37 not 17 and should have a grip on his life by now. He has children to support. Whilst he stays at your home(presumably rent free) where would you house the children and who would be responsible for taking care of them whopst they were at yours or pay for their upkeep.

If he is depressed then for the sak effect his kids he needs to contact the gp and do something about it. He can't coast through life forever, neither should he be allowed to at the moment it is.all very much on his terms, the meditation isnt working if he isn't able to deal with his anxiety.

Excuse the typos but you can get the general gist of the post.

I'm a DD of a similar age. He has to take responsibility for himself. I'm sure many of us would love to quit work and have no bills to pay, but that's just not real life. If he's not motivated to get his qualification now, I'm not sure that will change once he's living rent-free with his mum.

The kindest thing you can do for him is say no - it really is in his best interests.

He sounds highly skilled. Isn't this something he could do as a small business, where he worked in people's homes? Good tradesmen are very hard to find.

I love that piece about that teacher!!

I have been too involved, I see that. He sees that actually he does still have ambition but hasn't been able to focus on the starting place or on allowing his mind to stay open to what he could do to be in a role where he is helping people. I agree with some pp's who say he could go into cabinetry or something (he'd be good at detailed work), he does have ability to do an A level if it were a subject that grabs his interest. But it isn't my call, it's his. So my spare room is staying the way it is and he has a bit of a plan that's his own.

Thanks everyone for all your posts, they've all been useful.

I'm glad he's seeing sense and taking responsibility for himself. Hope he finds a career path that works for him.

I agree with Horace . Meticulous and careful tradespeople are like gold dust ! Training in a specialism would suit him by the sound of it, lime plastering, thatching , building restoration. So he can build a reputation. Even training again in something like plumbing. . Policing is a hugely stressful job. I wonder if the fact it is very structured is part of the appeal ?