To fantasise about being hospitalised because of workaholic husband

[WatermelonSocks]

NC for this.

I’ve been married for 12 years and have two DC. After having my second DC I decided that I would like to be SAHM. It was a joint decision and both of us were happy about it. My husband has always been a hardworking person but after I left my work he turned to an absolute workaholic. He owns a business and expanded it after having out DC2 and it’s been going so well but he always says that if he’s not present there, he’ll lose customers and work won’t be done as it should be. His workers are a bit shit tbh but still, no big damage will happen if you let things go for one day a week!

Weekends, school holidays, bank holidays you name it, he’s working from 8am to 7/8pm. I can count on one hand the number of days he’s been off since last year. And that’s after us nearly “begging” him for it. Most of those days were spent lying down as: 1- No wonder he’s knackered, and I feel rubbish to ask him to do any job around the house, and 2- He takes the days off when the weather is absolutely shitty. He gets busier at work when the weather is nice, and this means we never spend family time outside together enjoying the sunshine.

Financially, we have no problem whatsoever and I believe he CAN afford to take at least one day off a week for us. I’m so sick and tired of being the super mum who manages and does every bloody thing in the house and for the children. That’s definitely not the idea I had about being a SAHM.

My DC1 is now at that stage when he went from being a sweet child to a pre teen challenging most of what I say. My DC2 has always been very very hardwork and is an extremely demanding child. I’m tired, exhausted and lockdown has been a terrible time for me and the children alone all day long at home.

When I talk to him about it, he says that he’s sorry that I’m feeling this way and that he “understands” and will take a day off soon, but that just never happens. He’s very absent in our lives and I feel like I’m unofficially a single mother. Sex life is not great either because I have lost my libido. I always make excuses to avoid sleeping with him as I just don’t feel it. This upsets him the most and it’s making things worse.

I love him and I’m sure he loves me and I appreciate everything he does to give us a good life, but I’m fed up. My family lives abroad and my friends are all working and I feel so alone. Since lockdown I’ve been fantasising about being hospitalised for weeks just to have a break and let him spend time with the kids. I’m genuinely jealous of people who go to hospital for serious illnesses and I can’t tell you how much I really want to be in their shoes. This at least means that he has to be at home and look after the children for once whilst I don’t have to parent, clean the house, cook, take the kids out, monitor the homework, entertain DC2 ...etc

Please tell me if you ever been in my situation, what did you do?

Him being the sole earner is no longer working for either of you now that your DC are older so could you start with that discussion? As some of his workers aren’t great, would there be a role for you in his business so he knows he can share some of the load?

So you wanted to stay at home meaning your husband is essentially working for two, and you’re complaining that he’s working too much? He probably feels an enormous pressure to provide for the family and the risk that having only one income brings even if it is considerable. YABU

God you poor woman. No wonder you don't want to sleep with him. In the meantime he's got everything exactly how he wants it - you look after everything at home, he's the big I Am at work providing for his family. The only bleak spot in his life is lack of sex but then he can blame that on you. You do have other options rather than being hospitalised but yes I've been there but it was my job i wanted to get away from. Realised i was suffering with depression and anxiety.

I think another talk with him is in order. Don’t just let him slide on the vague promise that he will take a day off soon. Bring it up again and make it very clear to him how you feel - tell him what you told us. Get diaries out and plan. Get it booked in.

Or, go back to work yourself for a break.

There's the chance of course that the OP returning to work would not lead to any drop in the work her husband is doing, and just mean the dc don't have either parent around much.

@Coronawireless

Him being the sole earner is no longer working for either of you now that your DC are older so could you start with that discussion? As some of his workers aren’t great, would there be a role for you in his business so he knows he can share some of the load?

I’m planning to go back soon but I’m so worried that I will just add more responsibilities on myself as I don’t think it will help with him not taking days off.

Sorry sent before finishing. I can’t take any job for him as they’re mainly manual jobs.

@Hopdathelf

So you wanted to stay at home meaning your husband is essentially working for two, and you’re complaining that he’s working too much? He probably feels an enormous pressure to provide for the family and the risk that having only one income brings even if it is considerable. YABU

He never complained that he’s the sole earner. In our culture, it’s normal for men to be the sole earners and provide for the family even if I worked. When I worked before, he was paying for everything anyway. It’s not a money issue, it’s a family time ine.

I agree, you're leading separate lives that's why you don't want sex.

Tell him you've grown apart, you feel like a single mother and you want to divorce.

Single mothers manage somehow so you will manage somehow too. What ages are your DC? I couldn't really work until the youngest was ten and could walk home from school on his own. But I was a broke single parent! maybe there'd be money for a child minder in your budget?

I would end the relationship. You never see him so what's the point.

If you tell him you want to end it and want him to move out, it might be the wake up call he needs, but it might not, and you have to mean it.

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

God you poor woman. No wonder you don't want to sleep with him. In the meantime he's got everything exactly how he wants it - you look after everything at home, he's the big I Am at work providing for his family. The only bleak spot in his life is lack of sex but then he can blame that on you. You do have other options rather than being hospitalised but yes I've been there but it was my job i wanted to get away from. Realised i was suffering with depression and anxiety.

I think I still have some PND following the birth of DC2. He was back at work from day 3. I had to do everything myself.

Tell him you’re taking a couple of days off. Give him plenty of notice so he knows it’s coming. Book a hotel somewhere and go. You’ll get a break, he will be forced to take time off like he says he will. And he will see what it’s like to be with the kids. Then afterwards, discuss it again. How hard you’re finding it. How much you miss him. That your life cannot stay like this. So it needs to change. Agree what you will do with actual timelines. Not I’ll take a day off soon. Agree he will take two days off a month and spend them actively with you. Write the dates down. Don’t let them be pushed back or changed. Decide what you want to do if he continues to prioritise his job over your family. Can you live like this if it’s the only option, or are you willing to force a change?

He's an utter bastard. There was a recent thread on here with a similar workaholic husband. She left him and now he has to step up and take on 30% of the children's care. I think it's probably crunch time for you tbh. If he's not willing to make significant changes, then he's never going to change. I would set a 6 month timescale and if things haven't improved massively by then, make some plans of your own.

Have you told him explicitly how this is making you feel, in the way you've posted here? Not in a "I'm exhausted" way but in a "I actually wish I could experience serious harm which would hospitalise me for weeks because that would be preferable to life as it is?" way.

He needs to understand how serious the situation is.

You need to speak to your doctor about how this is making you feel. I would also seek other outside help to take some of the load off you - have you thought about getting a cleaner, for example, or getting some childcare one or two days a week for the youngest?

@Snowpaw

I think another talk with him is in order. Don’t just let him slide on the vague promise that he will take a day off soon. Bring it up again and make it very clear to him how you feel - tell him what you told us. Get diaries out and plan. Get it booked in.

Or, go back to work yourself for a break.

I’m planning on another talk tonight and possibly I will go to sleep in another room to make a point!

@Mistressinthetulips

There's the chance of course that the OP returning to work would not lead to any drop in the work her husband is doing, and just mean the dc don't have either parent around much.

That’s my exact fear. My work is already stressful as it is.

I had a DH like that - you will find that even being in hospital won't help. The couple of times I (or a DC) had to be admitted it was "you will have to get home to look after DC as I have to get back to work". He wasn't even the boss.

@SelkieIntegrated

I agree, you're leading separate lives that's why you don't want sex.

Tell him you've grown apart, you feel like a single mother and you want to divorce.

Single mothers manage somehow so you will manage somehow too. What ages are your DC? I couldn't really work until the youngest was ten and could walk home from school on his own. But I was a broke single parent! maybe there'd be money for a child minder in your budget?

I don’t think I want a divorce. I just want him to be more present in our lives. My youngest Is two. He offered to pay for nursery a few days a week to give me a break. I just feel that he’s too young for now. I spent 3 years with my eldest at home and it was an amazing experience. My second however, is really hard work.

@AnotherEmma

I would end the relationship. You never see him so what's the point.

If you tell him you want to end it and want him to move out, it might be the wake up call he needs, but it might not, and you have to mean it.

Knowing him, this would just open a can of worms. My job won’t let me afford the life I’m having now with my children.

My youngest Is two. He offered to pay for nursery a few days a week to give me a break. I just feel that he’s too young for now. I spent 3 years with my eldest at home and it was an amazing experience. My second however, is really hard work.

If you're feeling as bad as you are, send your child to nursery.

Your DH is a workaholic but there's no point martyring yourself as well. It sounds like both you and your DH are working too much!

@BrokenDishwasher

Tell him you’re taking a couple of days off. Give him plenty of notice so he knows it’s coming. Book a hotel somewhere and go. You’ll get a break, he will be forced to take time off like he says he will. And he will see what it’s like to be with the kids. Then afterwards, discuss it again. How hard you’re finding it. How much you miss him. That your life cannot stay like this. So it needs to change. Agree what you will do with actual timelines. Not I’ll take a day off soon. Agree he will take two days off a month and spend them actively with you. Write the dates down. Don’t let them be pushed back or changed. Decide what you want to do if he continues to prioritise his job over your family. Can you live like this if it’s the only option, or are you willing to force a change?

He keeps on promising that things will change soon, he just needs to do this or that or those blah blah blah. But they just never happen. I’ve tried to fix dates for days off before but he point blank refuses it. He says I’m putting him under so much pressure and I’m not supporting him.

I think YABU.

Having your own business isn't as secure as holding down a job, so he really probably can't take his foot of the pedal. As the provider and only earner the pressure to provide for 4 people is a lot.

You're saying you have to do everything with the kids alone - well he has to figure out how to support all of you financially all alone. This is why a more equal split is probably better for family time.

I'm sorry things are so hard. It all sounds pretty miserable for you, no wonder you've gone off sex! But, in the nicest way possible, I would also be interested to hear your DH's side of this as well. You say he wasn't a workaholic before you had a second child and gave up your job, so I wonder if he feels under pressure to provide. You say you have no financial worries but maybe that's because he's working so hard and he's worried that things will take a downturn if he takes his foot of the pedal. Or is it possible he has money worries he hasn't shared with you? I'm not surprised you're stressed out and exhausted, being a SAHM is hard. But running your own business, especially with a team you can't trust to do the job properly when you're not there, is pretty stressful too. Instead of jumping straight to LTB, I would sit him down and have a very frank conversation first. Tell him exactly what you've said here, that you feel being in hospital with a serious illness would be preferable to the life you're currently living. But also make clear he needs to be 100% honest and upfront with you about what's going on with him. Is he worried about money? Is he avoiding family life? The two of you need to figure out how you got to this point and then he needs to commit to making some changes because you can't go on the way you are.

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

He's an utter bastard. There was a recent thread on here with a similar workaholic husband. She left him and now he has to step up and take on 30% of the children's care. I think it's probably crunch time for you tbh. If he's not willing to make significant changes, then he's never going to change. I would set a 6 month timescale and if things haven't improved massively by then, make some plans of your own.

I’m definitely having a proper word tonight. I’m at the end of my tether and I’m desperate for some family time.

Go get a job, split nursery fees if required for number 2?