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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fantasise about being hospitalised because of workaholic husband

159 replies

WatermelonSocks · 24/04/2021 11:02

NC for this.

I’ve been married for 12 years and have two DC. After having my second DC I decided that I would like to be SAHM. It was a joint decision and both of us were happy about it. My husband has always been a hardworking person but after I left my work he turned to an absolute workaholic. He owns a business and expanded it after having out DC2 and it’s been going so well but he always says that if he’s not present there, he’ll lose customers and work won’t be done as it should be. His workers are a bit shit tbh but still, no big damage will happen if you let things go for one day a week!

Weekends, school holidays, bank holidays you name it, he’s working from 8am to 7/8pm. I can count on one hand the number of days he’s been off since last year. And that’s after us nearly “begging” him for it. Most of those days were spent lying down as: 1- No wonder he’s knackered, and I feel rubbish to ask him to do any job around the house, and 2- He takes the days off when the weather is absolutely shitty. He gets busier at work when the weather is nice, and this means we never spend family time outside together enjoying the sunshine.

Financially, we have no problem whatsoever and I believe he CAN afford to take at least one day off a week for us. I’m so sick and tired of being the super mum who manages and does every bloody thing in the house and for the children. That’s definitely not the idea I had about being a SAHM.

My DC1 is now at that stage when he went from being a sweet child to a pre teen challenging most of what I say. My DC2 has always been very very hardwork and is an extremely demanding child. I’m tired, exhausted and lockdown has been a terrible time for me and the children alone all day long at home.

When I talk to him about it, he says that he’s sorry that I’m feeling this way and that he “understands” and will take a day off soon, but that just never happens. He’s very absent in our lives and I feel like I’m unofficially a single mother. Sex life is not great either because I have lost my libido. I always make excuses to avoid sleeping with him as I just don’t feel it. This upsets him the most and it’s making things worse.

I love him and I’m sure he loves me and I appreciate everything he does to give us a good life, but I’m fed up. My family lives abroad and my friends are all working and I feel so alone. Since lockdown I’ve been fantasising about being hospitalised for weeks just to have a break and let him spend time with the kids. I’m genuinely jealous of people who go to hospital for serious illnesses and I can’t tell you how much I really want to be in their shoes. This at least means that he has to be at home and look after the children for once whilst I don’t have to parent, clean the house, cook, take the kids out, monitor the homework, entertain DC2 ...etc

Please tell me if you ever been in my situation, what did you do?

OP posts:
Peachee · 24/04/2021 13:04

Show him the film ‘click’ xx

OverTheRainbow88 · 24/04/2021 13:06

I would send youngest to nursery a couple of mornings a week, give you some time to yourself

HaveringWavering · 24/04/2021 13:08

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4214142-Running-out-of-ways-to-congratulate-my-husband

OP in this thread had similar issues, you may find some of the advice helpful.

rarat · 24/04/2021 13:08

I’m genuinely jealous of people who go to hospital for serious illnesses and I can’t tell you how much I really want to be in their shoes

You really don't

rarat · 24/04/2021 13:09

Just pay for childcare

katy1213 · 24/04/2021 13:12

If money is no problem, why don't you just pay for reliable childcare - nanny, au pair, whatever - and book yourself a holiday? Just because he won't switch off doesn't mean that you can't.
But I agree with others who have said that you need a job - or something - of your own. You sound very, very bored.

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/04/2021 13:12

I would take up his offer of having your youngest at nursery for a couple of days a week. You will get a break. It won't make any difference to how your husband acts but it would help you and thats vital.

MsHedgehog · 24/04/2021 13:16

YABU

I’m genuinely jealous of people who go to hospital for serious illnesses and I can’t tell you how much I really want to be in their shoes

As someone who has had a serious illness, this is an absolutely disgusting thing to say. I was with you until I read this.

It’s then made worse by two things:

  1. You don’t want to leave because you don’t want to lose your lifestyle.
  1. Your husband has offered nursery to help with the little one but you’ve refused.

Your husband has worked hard to the point of allowing you to be a SAHM, of giving you a lifestyle you don’t want to lose and even nursery when you don’t even work, yet you still make him out to be the bad guy. He needs to pull his weight for sure, but perhaps you should take a good look at yourself and decide what your priorities are.

FAQs · 24/04/2021 13:17

@WatermelonSocks you are infact in the opposite situation of a single parent, especially a working single parent but I’ll try not to take the bite.

Sounds like as others have said you need some independence either through paid or unpaid work.

FAQs · 24/04/2021 13:19

@MsHedgehog

YABU

I’m genuinely jealous of people who go to hospital for serious illnesses and I can’t tell you how much I really want to be in their shoes

As someone who has had a serious illness, this is an absolutely disgusting thing to say. I was with you until I read this.

It’s then made worse by two things:

  1. You don’t want to leave because you don’t want to lose your lifestyle.
  1. Your husband has offered nursery to help with the little one but you’ve refused.

Your husband has worked hard to the point of allowing you to be a SAHM, of giving you a lifestyle you don’t want to lose and even nursery when you don’t even work, yet you still make him out to be the bad guy. He needs to pull his weight for sure, but perhaps you should take a good look at yourself and decide what your priorities are.

I missed that, agree and for that reason I’m out. Take some responsibility for yourself op.
dreamingbohemian · 24/04/2021 13:23

I think both you and your DH are being unreasonable

Your DH is a workaholic and neglecting his family, that's really shit

But you are being a martyr, not sending your child to nursery. Really, you would rather be in hospital than send a toddler to nursery? That's messed up.

Find a nursery and go back to work so you can get your own financial independence, because he is not going to change and someday you will want to leave him

Oblomov21 · 24/04/2021 13:25

Pains me to read threads like this all the time on mn.

Fortunately I know at ds1's school they now talk about this.
Quality of life, work life balance. Choosing a partner who meets your emotional needs. Hopefully young girls of 15-18 won't make the same mistake in choosing bad partners.

Marrying someone who is obsessive, workaholic, values their own needs more than the family and doesn't put your marriage first is clearly never a good idea.

SittingAround1 · 24/04/2021 13:33

If you want him to work less, then he'll earn less.
If that's ok then you need to let him know that you'd rather the time together as a family than more money.

TatianaBis · 24/04/2021 13:46

@Washimal

I'm sorry things are so hard. It all sounds pretty miserable for you, no wonder you've gone off sex! But, in the nicest way possible, I would also be interested to hear your DH's side of this as well. You say he wasn't a workaholic before you had a second child and gave up your job, so I wonder if he feels under pressure to provide. You say you have no financial worries but maybe that's because he's working so hard and he's worried that things will take a downturn if he takes his foot of the pedal. Or is it possible he has money worries he hasn't shared with you? I'm not surprised you're stressed out and exhausted, being a SAHM is hard. But running your own business, especially with a team you can't trust to do the job properly when you're not there, is pretty stressful too. Instead of jumping straight to LTB, I would sit him down and have a very frank conversation first. Tell him exactly what you've said here, that you feel being in hospital with a serious illness would be preferable to the life you're currently living. But also make clear he needs to be 100% honest and upfront with you about what's going on with him. Is he worried about money? Is he avoiding family life? The two of you need to figure out how you got to this point and then he needs to commit to making some changes because you can't go on the way you are.
And yet female breadwinners, including those running their own businesses, usually factor in a combination of work and family life.

They don’t use the excuse of the need to work to avoid their families.

Changechangychange · 24/04/2021 13:46

He has no interest in spending any time with you or your children. Some men just don’t like having families, and would have been happier being single, but get married and have kids because it is “expected”. Baffles me, but there are enough of them out there like that, all seeking refuge in “work”.

If your lifestyle would drop if you divorced, then I would just concentrate on arranging your life now to suit you. Send your youngest to nursery a few days a week so you get a break (DS absolutely loves his, it is idyllic and I am honestly dreading him having to leave for reception in September). Restart your hobbies. Get a job if you want one. Accept you are a single parent, with a lodger who funds your lifestyle. It isn’t a marriage, but it is all he is offering, so you either make the best of it or divorce.

You are on a complete hiding to nothing trying to get him to spend more time with you and the children - he doesn’t want to, because he doesn’t enjoy it, and you aren’t going to be able to force him against his will.

TatianaBis · 24/04/2021 13:48

Yep.

BRB2021 · 24/04/2021 13:48

My job won’t let me afford the life I’m having now with my children

So you want to eat your cake and still have it. Life isnt like that. You either have the life you are having now and put up with the cost, or you dont. You cant have both

user113424742258631134 · 24/04/2021 13:50

I’m genuinely jealous of people who go to hospital for serious illnesses and I can’t tell you how much I really want to be in their shoes.

No. You don't. It's shit and traumatic and leaves you too destroyed to live any life you have left.

PurpleRainDancer · 24/04/2021 13:50

@Hopdathelf

So you wanted to stay at home meaning your husband is essentially working for two, and you’re complaining that he’s working too much? He probably feels an enormous pressure to provide for the family and the risk that having only one income brings even if it is considerable. YABU
Oh do give over 🥱
user113424742258631134 · 24/04/2021 13:53

And I agree that is a spectacularly disgusting comment from you, op.

Hankunamatata · 24/04/2021 13:53

Encourage him to look for a right hand man or woman who he trusts and can train up?

5zeds · 24/04/2021 13:53

I haven’t read all the responses but farm out a lot of the cleaning, childcare and take a break. When you’re less tired work on your relationship. Dh will follow your lead.

Phineyj · 24/04/2021 13:55

There absolutely are some people who lie on their deathbed mulling over work rather than their family! My Dad did this last year (fortunately he made a recovery).

FusionChefGeoff · 24/04/2021 14:02

I can't quote but you said this and I think this is the problem:

I don’t think I want a divorce. I just want him to be more present in our lives.

As I often say to my kids (in the style of Mick Jagger), you can't always get what you want.

Doesn't sound like he wants to change and based on the evidence you have, why are you kidding yourself that he's going to??!

You either accept it, stay, enjoy the cash, buy in more help etc to make it more manageable. Go on holidays with DC on your own, make friends with single mums. Accept that this is your lot and make a life for yourself. In this scenario DO NOT go back to work as you'll end up with even more to deal with - he won't step up.

Or

You get a divorce and build a new life for yourself.

I'm afraid option c) where your DH has a personality transplant doesn't seem very likely at all.

Personally, I'd choose a) I think.

rothbury · 24/04/2021 14:02

Do you think he would bother with seeing his DC if you split up?

Doesn't sound like a great husband or father to me. I would at least see a solicitor quietly, to find out what your situation would be if you were to decide to split up. It sounds like he has checked out of family life.