To fantasise about being hospitalised because of workaholic husband

[WatermelonSocks]

NC for this.

I’ve been married for 12 years and have two DC. After having my second DC I decided that I would like to be SAHM. It was a joint decision and both of us were happy about it. My husband has always been a hardworking person but after I left my work he turned to an absolute workaholic. He owns a business and expanded it after having out DC2 and it’s been going so well but he always says that if he’s not present there, he’ll lose customers and work won’t be done as it should be. His workers are a bit shit tbh but still, no big damage will happen if you let things go for one day a week!

Weekends, school holidays, bank holidays you name it, he’s working from 8am to 7/8pm. I can count on one hand the number of days he’s been off since last year. And that’s after us nearly “begging” him for it. Most of those days were spent lying down as: 1- No wonder he’s knackered, and I feel rubbish to ask him to do any job around the house, and 2- He takes the days off when the weather is absolutely shitty. He gets busier at work when the weather is nice, and this means we never spend family time outside together enjoying the sunshine.

Financially, we have no problem whatsoever and I believe he CAN afford to take at least one day off a week for us. I’m so sick and tired of being the super mum who manages and does every bloody thing in the house and for the children. That’s definitely not the idea I had about being a SAHM.

My DC1 is now at that stage when he went from being a sweet child to a pre teen challenging most of what I say. My DC2 has always been very very hardwork and is an extremely demanding child. I’m tired, exhausted and lockdown has been a terrible time for me and the children alone all day long at home.

When I talk to him about it, he says that he’s sorry that I’m feeling this way and that he “understands” and will take a day off soon, but that just never happens. He’s very absent in our lives and I feel like I’m unofficially a single mother. Sex life is not great either because I have lost my libido. I always make excuses to avoid sleeping with him as I just don’t feel it. This upsets him the most and it’s making things worse.

I love him and I’m sure he loves me and I appreciate everything he does to give us a good life, but I’m fed up. My family lives abroad and my friends are all working and I feel so alone. Since lockdown I’ve been fantasising about being hospitalised for weeks just to have a break and let him spend time with the kids. I’m genuinely jealous of people who go to hospital for serious illnesses and I can’t tell you how much I really want to be in their shoes. This at least means that he has to be at home and look after the children for once whilst I don’t have to parent, clean the house, cook, take the kids out, monitor the homework, entertain DC2 ...etc

Please tell me if you ever been in my situation, what did you do?

@Pumperthepumper

It seems like he’s missing an awful lot of their childhood too, as well as having you burnt out. Does he ever spend any time alone with them?

Nope. Never.

@skylarkdescending

*Seriously OP. What do you get from this marriage?

It reads as though you have lost respect for yourself. You are allowing your DH to control your life (and your children's) through his absence. I cannot see how being with him is better than being a single parent.

Carry on avoiding facing up to him. He will not change. He will make promises then back out at the last minute. Your resentment will grow. You will drift apart. You will divorce in later years and you will have very little to show for your time looking after his family.

Or

You challenge him. Give him an ultimatum. Clearly state that you will not allow him to put you (and the children) so far down his priority list any more. He has 6 months to make changes or you leave. Maybe he will listen. Maybe he will step up. Hopefully you will regain some balance as a couple and spend time actually being together as a family.

What do you want your future to look like?*

I certainly don't want the next year to look the same as the years before. I'm becoming like a needy weak housewife! I want to work with him to help our marriage succeed.

@Whythesadface

Don't pull the spare room trick, as you then have to give in and go back.
You could fall asleep on the sofa!
Maybe you could make things change.
Send your child to nursery, and see if you could have lunch with your DH. Even if you turn up with a picnic.
You seem to have money, can you just call in people to do the jobs that need doing, so you can stop feeling upset at small things.
I am surprised you got no family time with lockdown, what line of work does your DH do?

He's not in an essential retail work. He spent most of the lockdown sorting out files and contracts and renovated, repaired ...a lot. He's also based in an industrial area out of town. You'll be very surprised at the amount of businesses that were working as normal during lockdown. The council paid them a visit once but never said anything.

@AnotherEmma

*Ah, i see. You're staying with him for the money. He doesn't provide much else anyway!

What can of worms?*

It's not just the money. There are lots of feelings and memories involved as well. As I said before, I love him and I'm sure he does, but in his own way!!

When I said can of worms, I meant troubles. Emotional, family wise, financial ...etc.

@bobby81

I’ve been in your shoes & in the end I left. I was so worn down with all the false promises & having to do everything around the house on top of all the childcare. The only difference is that you say in your OP that you love him, I had definitely fallen out of love by the time I left.
We’re 3 years down the line now & although at times it’s been hard for the kids they have adapted & I honestly think it was the best thing for them in the long term.
I am so much happier & very proud of myself for leaving (it wasn’t easy.) I feel like me again.
I’m not saying you should LTB but I do think you need to let him know how serious this is & that you won’t put up with it any longer. Agree with PP, give him a deadline to make some changes. Good luck x

I will be giving him a deadline. I'm so glad things have worked in your favour finally. xx

@partyatthepalace

*It’s such a tricky situation OP.

Is there anyway you can get cover for the kids to get him out of the house to talk over a pub lunch? Or even a walk and a sit, he sounds like he’s so deep in, this might help open his mind up.

But either way you’ve got to communicate to him really simply (because he will not be able to hear detail) that this situation isn’t manageable and either he changes his work style, or you separate.

It’s really hard running a small business and workaholism is addictive - working all the time is often a way to manage anxiety - but small businesses often do need a lot of tending. Having said that, he cannot continue to work as he is without it impacting on his health, destroying your marriage, damaging the kids and exhausting you.

So, how can he work towards being able to take at least 1 - really 1.5 - days off a week? Is it better staff, back room support, narrowing the focus of the business??? If it can’t be done this minute how can he start with 1 day off a fortnight and work up over 6 months.

You have to be clear with him that nothing magic will happen to fix his working hours - he has to make it happen.

And clear that if he doesn’t make it happen, then you will need to look towards separation.

Also can you get some more help at home ASAP? - you have the money so cleaners, au pair - whatever you think would help.

I don’t know if marriage counselling may also be helpful?

Also don’t know if you have the skill set to help improve how the business is run? I wouldn’t be generally rushing back to work if I were you - I think there is a pretty big job to be done either getting your lives on track, or managing a separation. But yes you do need to work to get back in a year or so to get a more holistic life back and he needs to know that.*

Thank you so much. I have planned previously to go out with him and have coffee together when my mum came to visit us. I thought we could go out more as she will be looking after DCs at home, and he said that's a fab idea. Guess what? It happened once, and he was on the phone constantly as the workers call him every 10 minutes. I had to leave and actually go for a walk on my own after that.

I'm feeling very sleepy but thank you to everyone who took the time and effort to reply to my thread. I will carry on answering all your questions tomorrow.

Unfortunately, we didn't talk today. He came home at 7:30, had a shower, ate and went sorting some letters. I was playing with my LO in the bath when he came asking for a paracetamol because he's feeling unwell. He took the tablets and went straight to bed!

Will try tomorrow again, if he's feeling any better.

I don't have any advice but you're not alone as I'm in a similar situation.

"This is a good question. I think when I decided to become a SAHM first it was mainly to be more present in my children's early years. I think there's also a bit of judgement against mothers who are at home yet send their little ones to nursery. My neighbour said a comment once and I think it just left that fear of being badly judged by others for failing to do what a mother is expected to do! It's awful."

I'm so glad that you are planning to look at nurseries and that you will talk to your husband. I know that what I wrote in the first paragraph of my post (a couple of pages back) was harsh, and I'm sorry if it caused you upset. I just wouldn't wish serious illness on anyone, and I couldn't understand how you would be saying that, when it appeared that you were also refusing to look at ways to make life less stressful for you. Probs doesn't help me being on the other side of things jobwise!!

What you said in your post to @MrsCaptainJakeBallard really made me sit up and think about another good friend of mine who is also a SAHM.

I'll tell you about her: she's a mother of 4. She used to work quite high up in finance, but became a SAHM when she had her children. Her husband is a very high earner and often travels internationally for work, so it worked out best for them for her to be a SAHM (joint decision). Three of her kids are secondary age (only just) and one is primary age. The older DC board weekly. The youngest DC is at home, but at school full time. She employs a gardener to keep on top of the heavy garden jobs, and a cleaner to do the house. She has a load of funky gadgets around the home to make things easier for her too. Sure, she looks after the home and the kids, but she also makes sure to give herself time to have a personal trainer, to catch up with her friends and to do things for herself too.

Screw what your neighbour/anyone else says. You have to make sure you make some time for yourself, and do what is best for you/your family. My mate does it, with employing cleaner, gardener, having a personal trainer, even buying an iRobot vacuum cleaner (as she hates doing the vacuuming and this gadget keeps the house looking neat*)....even though she is an SAHM. Also, sending your youngest to nursery is no bad thing. The nursery will offer stuff that none of us parents can at home (plenty of other kids to play with, different toys/settings etc etc).

*actually she was the inspiration for me buying one of these robotic vacuum things as I was beating myself up about not hoovering the house as much as I'd like, and worrying that people would think I was lazy to get a robot vac: she told me that she had one and it made me sit up and think "screw what other people think". Same with when I bought a tumble drier and an Instant Pot!!!

Take care of yourself and hopefully you can speak to your DH soon x

I would arrange some counselling for yourself (with a childminder or babysitter watching the DCs) to see why you have this need to martyr yourself for (supposedly) everyone else's good - up early making the sandwiches when you have two small DCs? - madness. Polishing the bathroom walls after the cleaners been - insane!!!!!
He needs to change but I think you have to change first. No good putting DC into nursery if you are going to feel worried sick about them and guilty. How much time do you spend with the DCs when you are a fanatical housewife and cook - no wonder you are worn out. It's mad, DCs are tiny for a few years out of your and their lives - leave the housework, play with DCs. Sort yourself out. Then tackle DH.

A bit of an update ...

He woke up this morning and went outside, made a few calls then came back to the bed again. I thought he might still be feeling unwell but he said that he's much better and he will take the day off today!! What?? without nagging, begging, cold shoulder treatment? just out of the blues?

The weather is beautiful here. He asked me to get changed so we can go for a walk but I declined and told him to spend time with the DCs instead. He took them to the park since 11 am and I think they had ice cream and other junk and he rang me now asking if I need anything home. I'm still going to have a word tonight but what a strange day!

My eldest was beyond happy that his dad is home today. It broke my heart to hear him jumping out of joy!

@Quincie

I was a Sahm for several years - workaholic Dh, looking back I think I had lost my marbles by not getting help in the house we could have afforded. It's part'y due to the 'I am so lucky' being a SAHM so must continue to be a martyr, I now realise that sahm is not great if all you do is housework and childcare, in fact it is depressing and lonely - ---it's great if it actually means you have a enjoyable nonpaid work life. So get a cleaner, gardener, childminder/babysitter to give you a break and get yourself a life - hobbies, gym, swimming, whatever you want. He is doind what he wants why can't you do what you want.
Then when you are in a better place tackle him and insist on the odd day off, perhaps leave him with the DCs for much of that day so they at least see a bit of him.

So true. Thank you.

@PleaseValentina

*I would suspect that the sudden emergence of workaholism following the arrival of children is much less to do with feeling the pressure to provide and significantly more to do with avoidance of the hard graft of parenting. Aside from anything else, if your husband genuinely NEEDS to be at work every single day because without him it will all fall apart then then he's not very good at his business, is he? He should jack it in and find an employed job working for someone else if he's such a poor boss/his chosen area of business is too challenging/one can't get the staff. He doesn't get to sacrifice YOUR life in pursuit of being the big boss man.

It's also not sustainable for him. For how many years does he plan on living like this? At what point will he deign to give his family more than crumbs of his attention and time?

Aiming for him to take one day off "soon" is aiming FAR too low. Yes, owning your own business does require more time than most employed jobs but there is a limit. I guess the average "normal" job is Monday to Friday 9am-5pm, so 40hrs a week. If he did 8am-6pm Monday to Saturday that would be 60hrs, a full 50% on top or one and a half regular jobs but still allowing time for him to be involved in dinner/bath/bedtime routines with the children, evenings with you and one full day off per week. If he can't successfully run a business in similar hours to those then he shouldn't be in that line of work.

I think you've experienced mission creep here, OP, you never would have agreed to this set up in the beginning if you'd known this would be how it would end up. It's time for an intervention and for you to set out what you would feel would be acceptable scenarios that are workable for ALL of you (him, you and the children). Currently this way of life is acceptable only to him and thus far he has managed to fob off your objections with promises of "jam tomorrow" that never materialise. You do not have to take on all his other responsibilities in life (parenting his children, looking after his home, feeding him, clearing up after him etc.) in order to facilitate him pursuing his dreams.*

I believe he's genuinely under stress and pressure at work. It's so annoying that some of his clients want him to be there at all costs! Sometimes they'll ring him at 9pm to ensure that he will be there when they visit the next day. But I agree that he has to draw a line and switch the phone off once he's home. You're right about not being able to manage the DCs, he says it many times, many many times. Especially with the toddler!

@blacksax

*Total cop-out and not a proper acknowledgement at all. "Sorry you feel that way" is not the same as "I'm sorry for what I've done to make you upset".

Your children are growing up without a father in their lives. Does he actually realise that he is missing his dc's childhoods? You can always earn more money but you can never turn back the clock and get that time back again. Nobody ever lies on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time at work.*

Absolutely correct. I will be including this in my word tonight.

@GreenTreeLeaves

*Perhaps I'm being harsh, or unsympathetic...but I think YABU. You say you don't want to leave him, that you're used to the lifestyle he provides and don't want to give that up ... so what are you complaining about?

Single parents do all the activities you do with your children, and work.*

I just want him to spend more time with us.

@LadyOfLittleLeisure

*I think this is totally unfair

I have the being hospitalised fantasy whenever things become overwhelming. It's not rational but apparently quite common. Definitely time to spell out exactly how you feel to him.*

Thank you x

@provencegal

*Op I can tell you by your posts (joking around grin light hearted) that you are being too gentle around this issue.

Be much much firmer.

‘We can’t go on like this any longer I am burnt out, exhausted and genuinely feel envy that others are vein admitted to hospital with serious illness seems to preferential my life. I need you to fully commit to 1.5 days off a week every week without fail. One of those afternoons will be my afternoon off and you will spend some time with the children’

Secondly - you must seriously consider retraining
Or working even very very part time with dc in nursery for some part of the week. If your marriage does fail you will be left in a very vulnerable position, and may become over time unemployable initially. Once you have regained your strength, please think about it.

A blank piece of paper make a list of what your life would like and how to get there. Direction and focus is needed.*

Thank you. I'm really lacking direction at the moment. I don't know if I want to go back to work or not. And if I do, do I want the same job or a different one.

I’m so sick and tired of being the super mum who manages and does every bloody thing

I am all about supporting SAHM, but this is ridiculous for someone who doesn't work and expect her partner to provide for the entire family.

OP some people have made good suggestions, but it seems you want to magic him into spending more time with you, without changing anything yourself. He has absolutely no driver to do so as he can 'get away' with things as they currently are. It seems you aren't enjoying being a SAHM, but are dismissive of the idea of going back to work or having a bit of a break by putting little into nursery a few days a week. You are completely placing your life and what rhat looks like into his behaviours and what he is doing, which is never good. He is very unlikely to wake up tomorrow and start doing as you wish he would, even though he is wildly unreasonable at the moment. Have a think about what you can change to make yourself feel better and go from there.