To fantasise about being hospitalised because of workaholic husband

[WatermelonSocks]

NC for this.

I’ve been married for 12 years and have two DC. After having my second DC I decided that I would like to be SAHM. It was a joint decision and both of us were happy about it. My husband has always been a hardworking person but after I left my work he turned to an absolute workaholic. He owns a business and expanded it after having out DC2 and it’s been going so well but he always says that if he’s not present there, he’ll lose customers and work won’t be done as it should be. His workers are a bit shit tbh but still, no big damage will happen if you let things go for one day a week!

Weekends, school holidays, bank holidays you name it, he’s working from 8am to 7/8pm. I can count on one hand the number of days he’s been off since last year. And that’s after us nearly “begging” him for it. Most of those days were spent lying down as: 1- No wonder he’s knackered, and I feel rubbish to ask him to do any job around the house, and 2- He takes the days off when the weather is absolutely shitty. He gets busier at work when the weather is nice, and this means we never spend family time outside together enjoying the sunshine.

Financially, we have no problem whatsoever and I believe he CAN afford to take at least one day off a week for us. I’m so sick and tired of being the super mum who manages and does every bloody thing in the house and for the children. That’s definitely not the idea I had about being a SAHM.

My DC1 is now at that stage when he went from being a sweet child to a pre teen challenging most of what I say. My DC2 has always been very very hardwork and is an extremely demanding child. I’m tired, exhausted and lockdown has been a terrible time for me and the children alone all day long at home.

When I talk to him about it, he says that he’s sorry that I’m feeling this way and that he “understands” and will take a day off soon, but that just never happens. He’s very absent in our lives and I feel like I’m unofficially a single mother. Sex life is not great either because I have lost my libido. I always make excuses to avoid sleeping with him as I just don’t feel it. This upsets him the most and it’s making things worse.

I love him and I’m sure he loves me and I appreciate everything he does to give us a good life, but I’m fed up. My family lives abroad and my friends are all working and I feel so alone. Since lockdown I’ve been fantasising about being hospitalised for weeks just to have a break and let him spend time with the kids. I’m genuinely jealous of people who go to hospital for serious illnesses and I can’t tell you how much I really want to be in their shoes. This at least means that he has to be at home and look after the children for once whilst I don’t have to parent, clean the house, cook, take the kids out, monitor the homework, entertain DC2 ...etc

Please tell me if you ever been in my situation, what did you do?

Many children go to nursery from a much younger age, including my own. I would be taking up that offer as it will make the world of difference to you.

@Lockheart

Have you told him explicitly how this is making you feel, in the way you've posted here? Not in a "I'm exhausted" way but in a "I actually wish I could experience serious harm which would hospitalise me for weeks because that would be preferable to life as it is?" way.

He needs to understand how serious the situation is.

You need to speak to your doctor about how this is making you feel. I would also seek other outside help to take some of the load off you - have you thought about getting a cleaner, for example, or getting some childcare one or two days a week for the youngest?

I’ve never told him that I dream of going to hospital so he can take some of the parenting load and become more involved. I might throw it in a joke here and there and he will always brush it off by saying that I’m doing a fantastic job and he’s lucky to have me ...etc. But nothing done to show me that he’s ready to changed the situation.

I know you think 2 is too young for nursery but many many children go to nursery far earlier than this and manage perfectly fine! My dd loves nursery. If you don't want to leave him but want a break I don't understand why you wouldn't put them in nursery a couple of days a week.

YANBU But I can see both sides. I have a few friends and acquaintances who run their own successful businesses. Almost all of them work 6-7 days a week not because they need to but because they're so paranoid that taking time off or delegating could cause them to lose it all. When their businesses were new they needed to work all the hours they could to get it off the ground but I don't think they noticed when they moved on from fledgling business to a fully established business that doesn't need the same babying.

You need to have another conversation with him and tell him you're not just tired, you are exhausted and need more support or you'll break. Don't try to downplay it. He also needs to be reminded that his business is an established successful business now. If there's more work than he can handle, he needs to look at getting some help. It doesn't even need to be a full time employee, it could be someone who works a day or two and takes over some of the tasks to take the pressure off him.

@fiftiesmum

I had a DH like that - you will find that even being in hospital won't help. The couple of times I (or a DC) had to be admitted it was "you will have to get home to look after DC as I have to get back to work". He wasn't even the boss.

I think even if I were hospitalised, I would still worry about the children as I’m sure he’ll drag them with him to work, give them iPads and full access to the vending machine so he can gets on with his work!

I would check in to a hotel for a few nights to make a point.

That will give him a taste of what it would be like to be 100% responsible for the children.

Taking yourself off to a spare bedroom moodily is not going to create a pleasant atmosphere.

If you really want to make a point, show him that you can visualise a life without him in it.

If you check in to a hotel you might finally get some time to think. And the atmosphere would be better for the dc at home.

OP, I think I'm starting to see a bit of a trend here.

Your DH is refusing to take time off because it's just not the right time. You don't want to send your child to nursery because it's just not the right time. He doesn't want to take time off because other people won't manage, and I'd bet part of the reason you don't have a cleaner / childcare is because you prefer to do it yourself.

He feels unsupported by you, you feel unsupported by him.

See the pattern? You are both very very similar people it seems - hard working, with a need to be in control and preferring not to delegate.

You're both entrenched in working too hard and sacrificing your lives and it's making you miserable. Quite how it got to this point is something you'll need to work out together, but really please do accept help and learn to outsource, whether it's seeing a doctor or getting a cleaner. Obviously he also needs to try and accept the help of his managers (or hire one), but in the short term you can at least sort out your own stress and exhaustion.

ps, having left a useless man/father, they don't suddenly become good fathers after you leave them but you're spared some of the daily resentment.

If he took the DC overnight once a week, or even once a fortnight and really committed to just that, you'd have some space and some freedom which is more than you have now.

@Lockheart

My youngest Is two. He offered to pay for nursery a few days a week to give me a break. I just feel that he’s too young for now. I spent 3 years with my eldest at home and it was an amazing experience. My second however, is really hard work.

If you're feeling as bad as you are, send your child to nursery.

Your DH is a workaholic but there's no point martyring yourself as well. It sounds like both you and your DH are working too much!

I think it’s time to look for nurseries! Thank you

@Sunflowers095

I think YABU.

Having your own business isn't as secure as holding down a job, so he really probably can't take his foot of the pedal. As the provider and only earner the pressure to provide for 4 people is a lot.

You're saying you have to do everything with the kids alone - well he has to figure out how to support all of you financially all alone. This is why a more equal split is probably better for family time.

I agree. Sometimes I wish we were both on a 9-5 job but I know for a fact that he will never do it. He’s always wanted to be the boss and can’t stand to be instructed on what to do.

It seems like he’s missing an awful lot of their childhood too, as well as having you burnt out. Does he ever spend any time alone with them?

@Washimal

I'm sorry things are so hard. It all sounds pretty miserable for you, no wonder you've gone off sex! But, in the nicest way possible, I would also be interested to hear your DH's side of this as well. You say he wasn't a workaholic before you had a second child and gave up your job, so I wonder if he feels under pressure to provide. You say you have no financial worries but maybe that's because he's working so hard and he's worried that things will take a downturn if he takes his foot of the pedal. Or is it possible he has money worries he hasn't shared with you? I'm not surprised you're stressed out and exhausted, being a SAHM is hard. But running your own business, especially with a team you can't trust to do the job properly when you're not there, is pretty stressful too. Instead of jumping straight to LTB, I would sit him down and have a very frank conversation first. Tell him exactly what you've said here, that you feel being in hospital with a serious illness would be preferable to the life you're currently living. But also make clear he needs to be 100% honest and upfront with you about what's going on with him. Is he worried about money? Is he avoiding family life? The two of you need to figure out how you got to this point and then he needs to commit to making some changes because you can't go on the way you are.

Thank you for this perspective. I will make sure that I ask him about his worries as well when expressing mine tonight.

I would check in to a hotel for a few nights to make a point. That will give him a taste of what it would be like to be 100% responsible for the children.

If a woman came on here and said that she was the sole breadwinner but her DH has left and checked into a hotel for a few nights "to make a point", leaving her with no childcare and putting her in a really difficult position at work she would be told he was an emotionally abusive cock-lodger.

I agree OP should not have to be 100% responsible for the children. But her DH is 100% responsible for providing for them and keeping a roof over their heads and that's not a situation I envy either. He has offered to pay for Nursery to give OP a break, so that she's not 100% responsible for childcare and she has refused. I don't think mind-games and shock tactics are going to improve the situation.

Seriously OP. What do you get from this marriage?

It reads as though you have lost respect for yourself. You are allowing your DH to control your life (and your children's) through his absence. I cannot see how being with him is better than being a single parent.

Carry on avoiding facing up to him. He will not change. He will make promises then back out at the last minute. Your resentment will grow. You will drift apart. You will divorce in later years and you will have very little to show for your time looking after his family.

Or

You challenge him. Give him an ultimatum. Clearly state that you will not allow him to put you (and the children) so far down his priority list any more. He has 6 months to make changes or you leave. Maybe he will listen. Maybe he will step up. Hopefully you will regain some balance as a couple and spend time actually being together as a family.

What do you want your future to look like?

Don't pull the spare room trick, as you then have to give in and go back.
You could fall asleep on the sofa!
Maybe you could make things change.
Send your child to nursery, and see if you could have lunch with your DH. Even if you turn up with a picnic.
You seem to have money, can you just call in people to do the jobs that need doing, so you can stop feeling upset at small things.
I am surprised you got no family time with lockdown, what line of work does your DH do?

"Knowing him, this would just open a can of worms. My job won’t let me afford the life I’m having now with my children."

Ah, i see. You're staying with him for the money. He doesn't provide much else anyway!

What can of worms?

I’ve been in your shoes & in the end I left. I was so worn down with all the false promises & having to do everything around the house on top of all the childcare. The only difference is that you say in your OP that you love him, I had definitely fallen out of love by the time I left.
We’re 3 years down the line now & although at times it’s been hard for the kids they have adapted & I honestly think it was the best thing for them in the long term.
I am so much happier & very proud of myself for leaving (it wasn’t easy.) I feel like me again.
I’m not saying you should LTB but I do think you need to let him know how serious this is & that you won’t put up with it any longer. Agree with PP, give him a deadline to make some changes. Good luck x

It’s such a tricky situation OP.

Is there anyway you can get cover for the kids to get him out of the house to talk over a pub lunch? Or even a walk and a sit, he sounds like he’s so deep in, this might help open his mind up.

But either way you’ve got to communicate to him really simply (because he will not be able to hear detail) that this situation isn’t manageable and either he changes his work style, or you separate.

It’s really hard running a small business and workaholism is addictive - working all the time is often a way to manage anxiety - but small businesses often do need a lot of tending. Having said that, he cannot continue to work as he is without it impacting on his health, destroying your marriage, damaging the kids and exhausting you.

So, how can he work towards being able to take at least 1 - really 1.5 - days off a week? Is it better staff, back room support, narrowing the focus of the business??? If it can’t be done this minute how can he start with 1 day off a fortnight and work up over 6 months.

You have to be clear with him that nothing magic will happen to fix his working hours - he has to make it happen.

And clear that if he doesn’t make it happen, then you will need to look towards separation.

Also can you get some more help at home ASAP? - you have the money so cleaners, au pair - whatever you think would help.

I don’t know if marriage counselling may also be helpful?

Also don’t know if you have the skill set to help improve how the business is run? I wouldn’t be generally rushing back to work if I were you - I think there is a pretty big job to be done either getting your lives on track, or managing a separation. But yes you do need to work to get back in a year or so to get a more holistic life back and he needs to know that.

/?Having your own business is very different to working for someone, especially in the current climate where businesses are folding left right and centre.

If the people who work for him are crap then he should get rid of them and hire decent ones, but in the meantime the business has to be run, and it’s his business, so if he takes his foot off the pedal the risk is that you end up with nothing in a climate where him getting a job could be impossible.

And let’s be honest here, you are choosing this life. You could put your youngest into nursery for the break or to go back to work, but you’re choosing to be a martyr when there is a solution. And your youngest isn’t your eldest. Yes you loved the first three years with him, but times have changed.

I don’t doubt that the amount he works is frustrating, but there is fault on both sides here. Stop being a martyr and put the two year old in nursery.

@Lockheart

OP, I think I'm starting to see a bit of a trend here.

Your DH is refusing to take time off because it's just not the right time. You don't want to send your child to nursery because it's just not the right time. He doesn't want to take time off because other people won't manage, and I'd bet part of the reason you don't have a cleaner / childcare is because you prefer to do it yourself.

He feels unsupported by you, you feel unsupported by him.

See the pattern? You are both very very similar people it seems - hard working, with a need to be in control and preferring not to delegate.

You're both entrenched in working too hard and sacrificing your lives and it's making you miserable. Quite how it got to this point is something you'll need to work out together, but really please do accept help and learn to outsource, whether it's seeing a doctor or getting a cleaner. Obviously he also needs to try and accept the help of his managers (or hire one), but in the short term you can at least sort out your own stress and exhaustion.

Excellent advice and I agree 100%

If you went to work you’d then be working plus doing everything else.
He needs to see that the amount he works is a problem.
If that won’t change, you need to think about what you would do - go or stay. If the answer is stay, there’s not much point complaining.

I was a Sahm for several years - workaholic Dh, looking back I think I had lost my marbles by not getting help in the house we could have afforded. It's part'y due to the 'I am so lucky' being a SAHM so must continue to be a martyr, I now realise that sahm is not great if all you do is housework and childcare, in fact it is depressing and lonely - ---it's great if it actually means you have a enjoyable nonpaid work life. So get a cleaner, gardener, childminder/babysitter to give you a break and get yourself a life - hobbies, gym, swimming, whatever you want. He is doind what he wants why can't you do what you want.
Then when you are in a better place tackle him and insist on the odd day off, perhaps leave him with the DCs for much of that day so they at least see a bit of him.

I would suspect that the sudden emergence of workaholism following the arrival of children is much less to do with feeling the pressure to provide and significantly more to do with avoidance of the hard graft of parenting. Aside from anything else, if your husband genuinely NEEDS to be at work every single day because without him it will all fall apart then then he's not very good at his business, is he? He should jack it in and find an employed job working for someone else if he's such a poor boss/his chosen area of business is too challenging/one can't get the staff. He doesn't get to sacrifice YOUR life in pursuit of being the big boss man.

It's also not sustainable for him. For how many years does he plan on living like this? At what point will he deign to give his family more than crumbs of his attention and time?

Aiming for him to take one day off "soon" is aiming FAR too low. Yes, owning your own business does require more time than most employed jobs but there is a limit. I guess the average "normal" job is Monday to Friday 9am-5pm, so 40hrs a week. If he did 8am-6pm Monday to Saturday that would be 60hrs, a full 50% on top or one and a half regular jobs but still allowing time for him to be involved in dinner/bath/bedtime routines with the children, evenings with you and one full day off per week. If he can't successfully run a business in similar hours to those then he shouldn't be in that line of work.

I think you've experienced mission creep here, OP, you never would have agreed to this set up in the beginning if you'd known this would be how it would end up. It's time for an intervention and for you to set out what you would feel would be acceptable scenarios that are workable for ALL of you (him, you and the children). Currently this way of life is acceptable only to him and thus far he has managed to fob off your objections with promises of "jam tomorrow" that never materialise. You do not have to take on all his other responsibilities in life (parenting his children, looking after his home, feeding him, clearing up after him etc.) in order to facilitate him pursuing his dreams.

Get a job.

he says that he's sorry that I'm feeling this way

Total cop-out and not a proper acknowledgement at all. "Sorry you feel that way" is not the same as "I'm sorry for what I've done to make you upset".

Your children are growing up without a father in their lives. Does he actually realise that he is missing his dc's childhoods? You can always earn more money but you can never turn back the clock and get that time back again. Nobody ever lies on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time at work.