To fantasise about being hospitalised because of workaholic husband

[WatermelonSocks]

NC for this.

I’ve been married for 12 years and have two DC. After having my second DC I decided that I would like to be SAHM. It was a joint decision and both of us were happy about it. My husband has always been a hardworking person but after I left my work he turned to an absolute workaholic. He owns a business and expanded it after having out DC2 and it’s been going so well but he always says that if he’s not present there, he’ll lose customers and work won’t be done as it should be. His workers are a bit shit tbh but still, no big damage will happen if you let things go for one day a week!

Weekends, school holidays, bank holidays you name it, he’s working from 8am to 7/8pm. I can count on one hand the number of days he’s been off since last year. And that’s after us nearly “begging” him for it. Most of those days were spent lying down as: 1- No wonder he’s knackered, and I feel rubbish to ask him to do any job around the house, and 2- He takes the days off when the weather is absolutely shitty. He gets busier at work when the weather is nice, and this means we never spend family time outside together enjoying the sunshine.

Financially, we have no problem whatsoever and I believe he CAN afford to take at least one day off a week for us. I’m so sick and tired of being the super mum who manages and does every bloody thing in the house and for the children. That’s definitely not the idea I had about being a SAHM.

My DC1 is now at that stage when he went from being a sweet child to a pre teen challenging most of what I say. My DC2 has always been very very hardwork and is an extremely demanding child. I’m tired, exhausted and lockdown has been a terrible time for me and the children alone all day long at home.

When I talk to him about it, he says that he’s sorry that I’m feeling this way and that he “understands” and will take a day off soon, but that just never happens. He’s very absent in our lives and I feel like I’m unofficially a single mother. Sex life is not great either because I have lost my libido. I always make excuses to avoid sleeping with him as I just don’t feel it. This upsets him the most and it’s making things worse.

I love him and I’m sure he loves me and I appreciate everything he does to give us a good life, but I’m fed up. My family lives abroad and my friends are all working and I feel so alone. Since lockdown I’ve been fantasising about being hospitalised for weeks just to have a break and let him spend time with the kids. I’m genuinely jealous of people who go to hospital for serious illnesses and I can’t tell you how much I really want to be in their shoes. This at least means that he has to be at home and look after the children for once whilst I don’t have to parent, clean the house, cook, take the kids out, monitor the homework, entertain DC2 ...etc

Please tell me if you ever been in my situation, what did you do?

OP, can you tell us which culture you belong to?
It might help with more realistic answers.
I do think they can change and often do when faced with the alternative of losing their family.

So you wanted to stay at home meaning your husband is essentially working for two, and you’re complaining that he’s working too much?

Rubbish. This is a poor excuse. Unless they are financially on the edge, which doesn’t seem to be the case, no business needs to have the boss there 7/7 14 hours a day. He is avoiding his family, stop making this the OPs fault.

@TatianaBis

But she didn't, because she fantasises about hospital so her DH would be forced to give her a break and step up at home, not because of a mental struggle

It’s precisely because of the mental struggle that OP fantasises about being forced to take a break.

Tellingly the only situation in which she can imagine actually being given a break is to be ill in hospital.

Another very easy solution is the nursery days.

I get the op can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment but take the days and get the mental space.

I’m sorry your in this situation and a re unhappy. From reading your posts it feels like there are a few issues at play that should really be separated;

1. You’re exhausted and need a break - this might be achievable with outside help -cleaning, some child minding etc.
2. You want to spend more time as a family - that’s really what your bug are with your husband is - he prioritises work to the exclusion of family and you want a more equal balance. I agree that this requires discussion as there may be pressures he has that you aren’t aware of but he also needs to understand the pressures you feel. Good luck

OP, are you me? I could have written your post verbatim. I too am in a marriage but barely see my workaholic husband. No matter how much I say to him that being with the children 24/7 is exhausting, and I would like us to spend more time together, he always says "OK, but it's not the right time right now". I, like you, am exhausted physically but also emotionally.

I have no advice, but I thought I would show solidarity. I hope that things get better for you soon.

Job wise
Nobody is irreplaceable

@TatianaBis

YABU....for the comment you made about being jealous of being hospitalised for serious illnesses, and wanting to be in their shoes. From someone (who is a single mum and working FT as a nurse looking after those seriously ill people), I found it really hard reading that. With respect, you don't know what the hell you're wishing for, and I assure you that every one of the seriously ill people that I've looked after would not wish to be hospitalised with their serious illnesses.

I think this is both self righteous and without insight. A professed wish to be in hospital is similar to the wish to be dead IMO. If someone confessed suicidal ideation, how helpful would it be for undertakers to say well I’ve looked after dead people you don’t know what the hell wishing for, many wouldn’t wish to be dead?

It’s basically a cry for help and a reflection of the fact the OP is not coping with her life as it is.

Yes, this is so true

@Hopdathelf

So you wanted to stay at home meaning your husband is essentially working for two, and you’re complaining that he’s working too much? He probably feels an enormous pressure to provide for the family and the risk that having only one income brings even if it is considerable. YABU

And here i was thinking that the work of a SAHM is easily equal to a 9-5. You know, since the SAHP has to absorb the family’s calendar, cook the food, clean the house, do the shopping, take care of the kids, take the kids to school, take the kids to extracurricular activities, entertain the kids, probably clean up again by this point... SAHP is 24/7, most kids are in bed by 8, does he even see his youngest?

Husband is being unreasonable, sacrificing his family time at his work’s altar. Kids aren’t kids for long at all.

I really doubt that the workers are shit. Your husband is a more likely a control freak/ workaholic.

Suggest he gets some business coaching or counselling to help him let go, learn to delegate and trust his employees.

He needs to train people properly to do their jobs effectively, so he can let go sometimes

OP, I don't think your husband is hearing you. He is missing his children's childhoods and enjoying life, for what? If/ when he dies, how will he feel about what he has spent his time on? This is no way to live. He is driven by something to work this hard. Does he see it as success? Does he feel under pressure to provide a certain lifestyle? Does he not particularly like children?

Have you guys ever had a 'deeper' relationship where you talked properly about life? What drives him and is it healthy? He needs to really start looking at what he wants to get out of his life in the long term. Or maybe you can pray he has a wakeup call such as a health scare or an accident. These things usually make people examine their priorities.

Op you need help. Forget blaming your dh and see if there’s anything you can do for your mental health. When you’re stronger you can fight for a family day once a week.

If you won’t take a break when it’s offered (by putting youngest in nursery) and don’t have a job (so should really need to be able to take a break without help) then you need to think of something you can do regularly which will make you feel like you have had a break.

Wanting to be hospitalised shows very poor understanding of what it means to be unwell and sounds like you want to be literally martyred.

@BrokenDishwasher

Tell him you’re taking a couple of days off. Give him plenty of notice so he knows it’s coming. Book a hotel somewhere and go. You’ll get a break, he will be forced to take time off like he says he will. And he will see what it’s like to be with the kids. Then afterwards, discuss it again. How hard you’re finding it. How much you miss him. That your life cannot stay like this. So it needs to change. Agree what you will do with actual timelines. Not I’ll take a day off soon. Agree he will take two days off a month and spend them actively with you. Write the dates down. Don’t let them be pushed back or changed. Decide what you want to do if he continues to prioritise his job over your family. Can you live like this if it’s the only option, or are you willing to force a change?

Tell him you’re taking a couple of days off. Give him plenty of notice so he knows it’s coming. Book a hotel somewhere and go. You’ll get a break, he will be forced to take time off like he says he will. And he will see what it’s like to be with the kids. Then afterwards, discuss it again. How hard you’re finding it. How much you miss him. That your life cannot stay like this. So it needs to change. Agree what you will do with actual timelines. Not I’ll take a day off soon.Tell him you’re taking a couple of days off. Give him plenty of notice so he knows it’s coming. Book a hotel somewhere and go. You’ll get a break, he will be forced to take time off like he says he will. And he will see what it’s like to be with the kids. Then afterwards, discuss it again. How hard you’re finding it. How much you miss him. That your life cannot stay like this. So it needs to change. Agree what you will do with actual timelines. Not I’ll take a day off soon

Sounds good. My guess is that he would actually get his mum/sister/aunt/cousin to take over for a couple of days.

@WatermelonSocks first of all some for you.
You sound low in mood and exhausted, but I say this as someone who was a SAHM for 18 years you must make a plan so you can rebuild your sense of self,
Send your 2year old to nursery and buy in some help with the housework. You have every right to prioritise this household expenditure if your DH is not around or willing to share the load.
Next, focus on what you would like to be doing a few years down the line. You don’t necessarily need to get straight back into work, maybe you can return to studying, learn a new skill or volunteer to get your sense of self worth back..You need to start with small objectives and perhaps short courses. Try and remember what makes you tick.

Have you considered returning to work?
Taking some of the care costs from his bank?
Agreeing share of parenting duties?
Outsourcing cleaning etc?
If you're married you could consider divorce as maybe you'd get 50 50 access so he'd need to do more.
This cannot carry on. It's not normal to wishfor a hospital stay.

OP, I have a husband who is on another level work-wise. Some people are like this and there’s not much you can do about it, to be honest. At least he’s made a lot of money and I can’t complain about that.

Why don’t you get a cleaner in a few days a week for a start? Just do what you need to do to make your life easier. If the cleaner came while the kids are at school, you could get your “me time” then. And come home to a lovely house! Order Deliveroo if you’re too tired to cook, or just go out. Don’t make a martyr of yourself with cooking / housework.

Do you have any hobbies or things you like to do? If not, this would be a priority.

Also, try a course if psychotherapy. Works wonders.

Stop focusing on him and getting resentful as it’s a downward spiral. If you have the money to make your life easier - well, use it!

I bet if you had a cleaner in twice a week and met a friend for lunch on one of these days and went for a swim / run / treatment / shopping on the other, that would be a start. If you’re feeling burnt out, go back to bed while they’re at school occasionally - works wonders! Get psychotherapy and have that hour to focus on yourself - also works wonders. You’ll feel like a new woman. Eat out a weekends - with or without the DH. Friday night can be Deliveroo night. Start taking the pressure off yourself. And you’ll be a better mum for it. Good luck!

I deffo think you should out the 2yr old to nursery even 3 mornings a week but from my 19m old going I've just increased from 3 full days to 4 because he loves it so much. They get lots of different experiences and friends so socialise with. And I can see things developing within him that he has learned at nursery.

@Lockheart

FGS give the OP a break about the hospital comment. She's clearly struggling with her mental health. You wouldn't tell someone who wanted to self harm that they disgust you and are vile.

If someone gets to the point they wish they were seriously ill and in hospital then they clearly need help, so knock it off with the sanctimonious gasping.

Amen

Yes and a cleaner too

I'd have a talk with him.

Put it to him that if his business is genuinely reliant on him being present 24/7 then it isn't actually a viable business.. its just him.

A viable business needs to stand on its own, if he can't take a step back to do the other things in life like, be with his family, then he needs to look at how he is training his staff and organising his workload and their roles.

This is something I worry about as I support myself and OH with my 'business' however in reality, my business is just me, I share my workload with a friend who runs a similar business but if I were to drop dead, theres no way to fully and truly pass that business on to someone else. I doubt I could even pass on my client list, they are there for me, not someone else doing what I do.

Running your own business is not just about running a financially successful business, it takes the skill to pass on and delegate tasks and responsibilities to others and the mind-set to knock off at whatever time and do something else.

Id put it to him that if he doesn't have a business he can reasonably step away from for sensible amounts of time, WHAT exactly is he going to do should he become ill or die - where is the point in building something if it doesn't look after you/your family when you need it to?

Having been self employed and the main earner, it is easy to become a workaholic, especially when employees are shit.

I get your husband completely, self employment is hugely stressful and is it hard to relinquish control.

However, you sound like you are on the verge of a mental breakdown (don't mean to sound so dramatic) but fatasising about being seriously ill in hospital is not a good sign.

I would say exactly this to your husband. I would also pin him down when he says about taking days off with you, and book something/write it in the diary and stick to it. Your marriage depends on it, and so will your sex life.

I see it from both points of view, but you must talk. You must make it clear what he's missing out on, and what essentially your marriage and children are missing out on, whilst also understanding his position.

Oh and, get some better employees that he can trust and can relinquish some control.

Good luck OP

@WatermelonSocks

Even if you return to work he won't scale back his workload.You'll still be doing all your doing now and working too.

I was also going to suggest business coaching or life coaching. This kind of behaviour can be driven by fear or a feeling of being stuck rather than actually what he wants to be doing.

Hire some help ? Similar circumstances here , and hiring help is the only way to not go insane at each other. Your both under pressure and knackered and resenting. If he doesn’t agree to hired help/nanny, tell him it’s not help for you , it’s help to replace him - his lack of help.
Also, book a break with some friends - leave him in charge and just go. No feeling guilty, no micro managing by phone calls etc... just book it and go and let him sort it All out.

Read raising boys, there is a section on pre teen boys and the impact of having non-present fathers.

Also, go back to work. Maybe financially it will help so he can cut back, he will have to help with looking after his children and you will have some independent finances so that if things don’t change you can leave. I wouldn’t want to live like that, it’s so unfair on the children and you.

@Horehound
Go get a job, split nursery fees if required for number 2?

I'm looking to go back to work soon but extremely worried that I'm just adding more responsibilities for myself.

@Direwolfwrangler

Many children go to nursery from a much younger age, including my own. I would be taking up that offer as it will make the world of difference to you.

I will now. I've been looking for some good nurseries this evening.

@MrsCaptainJakeBallard

I know you think 2 is too young for nursery but many many children go to nursery far earlier than this and manage perfectly fine! My dd loves nursery. If you don't want to leave him but want a break I don't understand why you wouldn't put them in nursery a couple of days a week.

This is a good question. I think when I decided to become a SAHM first it was mainly to be more present in my children's early years. I think there's also a bit of judgement against mothers who are at home yet send their little ones to nursery. My neighbour said a comment once and I think it just left that fear of being badly judged by others for failing to do what a mother is expected to do! It's awful.

@MilduraS

*YANBU But I can see both sides. I have a few friends and acquaintances who run their own successful businesses. Almost all of them work 6-7 days a week not because they need to but because they're so paranoid that taking time off or delegating could cause them to lose it all. When their businesses were new they needed to work all the hours they could to get it off the ground but I don't think they noticed when they moved on from fledgling business to a fully established business that doesn't need the same babying.

You need to have another conversation with him and tell him you're not just tired, you are exhausted and need more support or you'll break. Don't try to downplay it. He also needs to be reminded that his business is an established successful business now. If there's more work than he can handle, he needs to look at getting some help. It doesn't even need to be a full time employee, it could be someone who works a day or two and takes over some of the tasks to take the pressure off him.*

The thing is, when he planned to expand his business after we had our second child, he had this idea that he can easily attract more workers and therefore he will be more present at home and doing less work. The reality is that the complete opposite happened, as the business grew it became more demanding and a lot of his workers are used to being constantly supervised or they'll just sit there doing nothing, or do a terrible work, sometimes he has to pay for damages that they caused.

@SelkieIntegrated

*I would check in to a hotel for a few nights to make a point.

That will give him a taste of what it would be like to be 100% responsible for the children.

Taking yourself off to a spare bedroom moodily is not going to create a pleasant atmosphere.

If you really want to make a point, show him that you can visualise a life without him in it.

If you check in to a hotel you might finally get some time to think. And the atmosphere would be better for the dc at home.*

I wish I got the balls to do this! I just can't. I'll feel so terrible about leaving the children without me. And it will make things worse because he's also an overthinker! He'll lose confidence in me.

@Lockheart

*OP, I think I'm starting to see a bit of a trend here.

Your DH is refusing to take time off because it's just not the right time. You don't want to send your child to nursery because it's just not the right time. He doesn't want to take time off because other people won't manage, and I'd bet part of the reason you don't have a cleaner / childcare is because you prefer to do it yourself.

He feels unsupported by you, you feel unsupported by him.

See the pattern? You are both very very similar people it seems - hard working, with a need to be in control and preferring not to delegate.

You're both entrenched in working too hard and sacrificing your lives and it's making you miserable. Quite how it got to this point is something you'll need to work out together, but really please do accept help and learn to outsource, whether it's seeing a doctor or getting a cleaner. Obviously he also needs to try and accept the help of his managers (or hire one), but in the short term you can at least sort out your own stress and exhaustion.*

Thank you. Thank you. You're absolutely spot on. I had cleaners twice before and didn't like their work as I always believe that I can do it better. I once went back to scrub the bathroom's walls as soon as the cleaner left, as I didn't see them shiny enough. I refuse help you're right. Even when I was at work I used to discard any "help" that was given to me and would much rather sit till 1 am recreating everything myself. When we go to my parents or in-laws, I'm always up early to make breakfasts and sandwiches for everyone because I don't want to burden anyone. They're always telling me to go to rest and stop what I'm doing as they'll take care of all of that. My parents have a permanent cleaner and cook but I still feel like I should jump to clean the showers after DCs or husband used them. I complain that I'm tired of cooking, and when husband suggests to get us a take away I refuse and go to kitchen and start cooking. My word too many things going in my head now! Typing all of this made feel so sick of myself.